I have been in a complete mardy since Sunday.
I should be happy, things are finally moving forward but I just can't seem to shift the dark cloud that has descended. This dark cloud is an accumulation of things that are bothering me at the moment. I know that I am stressing unnecessarily, that I should take each day as it comes and, I am sure that in a couple of days things will look different again but, at this particular moment in time I am stressing over the following (in no particular order):
1. My weight - I am putting on weight which means that I am losing control. I hate not being in control, I hate it when I start to put on weight because I enter that vicious circle of getting depressed, eating because I am depressed and putting on weight because I am eating thus getting more depressed. I need to take control but I have so many meals / evening out lined up that it just isn't going to happen this side of Christmas. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and Christmas really is the worst time of the year for someone like me.
2. Our first appointment - the 1 Feb which really isn't that far away however, I appear to have lost any ability to wait so it feels like an eternity. I know that it means that I can relax at Christmas, yes I can even have a drink and I will still (thankfully) have a whole month to detox. But, I had got it in my head that there was every possibility that we could have a child in 2010, now it is not going to be 2010 and 2011 is definitely an eternity!
3. Our IVF is on the NHS - which is great but, the fact that we are limited to one single embryo transfer, has convinced me that it is not going to work. The number of people I have heard of who had a positive pregnancy and live birth on their first attempt at IVF all had two embryos transferred. I really am trying to be positive but really, the likelihood of one embryo taking on a first attempt of IVF, quite slim.
4. Scared - I'm scared of what starting this IVF cycle means. If this doesn't work then we are one step closer to closing this chapter of our life. Although I am thinking about the what if in a positive sense I am also thinking about the what if in a negative sense. I'm also scared of the whole IVF process but I think that the frustration of waiting and the feeling that February is a life time away is currently shading this fear.
I am also pissed off that this year saw the addition of 6, yes 6 new names (babies) to my Christmas card list. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards and, like every other year, it was depressing that the people I am writing to have increased in size and I'm still signing off with just the two of us. Tits, arse, bum, poo, bollocks, wank...
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3 comments:
I can understand how you feel, and I wish I had an answer, things will feel more positive soon. Hang in there.
I like learning new British swear words. I can use them out on some co-workers. :)
As for the dimmed mood, I understand where you are coming from.
1. The weight issue is something I've also dealt with my whole life (but not gotten close to your success with it!!) Also, just try to focus on the positives you have available to you. The time until Feb1 will give you a chance to lose a few lbs before the drugs enter your system, and yes, you get to drink and by merry in the holidays! Feb1 really is just around the corner. Before you know it, you'll be blogging about the night before the appointment!
Thanks for the positive comments, they have definitely made me feel better.
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