Moving on

Before I start I just want to say a big thank you to those who commented on my last post, your comments definitely helped.

I'm still pretty much in the same place as I was when I wrote the last post. I have tried on numerous occasions to get my thoughts out in a post but I'm struggling. I feel impatient to get everything out and, as a result I end up with a jumbled mess that I just delete. So I'm feeling inarticulate and frustrated as well as all the other feelings mentioned in my last post.

I seem to have become obsessed with assisted conception. Throughout our ttc journey there was obviously always the hope, and even possibly a belief, that we would conceive naturally. After the laparoscopy, when we were told to try naturally for 6 months before assisted conception, I have to admit that I was frustrated. I wanted a result there and then, I needed a plan and something else to focus on rather than returning to months of just hoping. Six months seemed like a long time and also a bit of a let down after months of doctors appointments, hospital appointments and the odd procedure. We are nearly half way through the 6 month wait - ttc naturally - and I'm struggling, not just with ttc but the whole idea of assisted conception.

For the first time since we embarked on our ttc journey I realise that assisted conception is, more than likely, our only chance of conceiving. I'm the one who have always been OK with assisted conception it was the husband who didn't want to go down that route. Over the last year and a half I have, in true femme fatale stylie, coaxed him round to my way of thinking. But the big problem now is that I am scared. Not just scared, I am petrified. I know that this is only natural and that I wouldn't be human if I didn't have these feelings but I am shocked, shocked that I am having these feelings. You see, I have always been adamant that I would do anything to have a baby but now, I'm not so sure. Perhaps I should just accept that we weren't meant to be a family and move on, focus on something else - is that at all possible? Will I not be forever wondering what if....

I know that I (thankfully) don't have to make any decisions now and that I will definitely change my mind on a weekly basis but I'm pretty sure that this is the root of my problem. I've realised that we will be moving on up the IF ladder and that the next step is not only big, it is also very slippery.