My name is Fucking Idiot

In March I went to visit three university friends. Two of the friends were 8 months pregnant with their second child and one of them, my very best friend, the one that I lived with for over five years, was trying for her second baby. Over the weekend she talked to me a lot about her frustration and how difficult the whole ttc process is when it doesn't happen straight away (they conceived their first child before they were ever really trying). She said that she finally understood how I must be feeling and that she really felt for me and wished that I would be the next to conceive. When I asked her how long they had been trying she said that it would be a year in May.

Yep, she really was comparing her 11 months, although it was actually 10 months because she said that they took a month off, to me and the length of time I have been trying to conceive. I let it go because, after all, I know that it is difficult no matter how long you have been trying.

Yesterday, I received an email from her informing me that she is 14 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant the weekend I saw her, yes, it was very early and probably very unlikely that she knew but this news has made me feel very angry and, quite frankly, like a bit of a fucking idiot. Me, [the fucking idiot] listened to her heartache about how not conceiving was putting a strain on their relationship, that she was struggling to cope every month and that she was so fed up that she had stopped popping folic acid. Me, [the fucking idiot] gave her sympathy and encouragement and told her to start taking folic acid again.

If you haven't guessed, the email (read at work yesterday) left me devastated. I fought back tears all day and then, in the car journey on the way home, it all came flooding out. I feel so sad and angry. I'm sad because I really am beginning to feel like this isn't meant for us. And the anger, the anger is beginning to scare me. I'm not angry with her (I know that people need to get on with their lives and really, it isn't anybodies fault that we can't conceive), I'm angry that there are so many people who manage to conceive without any problems and I'm angry that there are so many people who do struggle to conceive. I'm also angry that Mr D can't accept that this is happening and that a natural pregnancy is very unlikely after three years of ttc. I'm angry that he doesn't want to do everything possible to make it happen for us. And I'm angry that I am THE friend that everybody has to tread carefully around when they have a pregnancy announcement.

Her email was so carefully worded. She said all the right things, she is still there for me if I ever need to talk or rant. That she hopes that it will happen for us soon and that she hopes that I didn't read the email at work. At the moment I don't have the stomach to respond. I know that she will be worried if she doesn't hear from me and I feel bad for that but I just don't trust myself. My anger is just so strong at the moment. I think the announcement is probably just bad timing. My 34th birthday is pending. My husband has said that he doesn't want to do assisted conception. Two friends have only recently given birth and me, I'm in exactly the same place that I was two years ago, only more angry, bitter, sad and alone. It really is the loneliness of all this that gets me the most. I even feel like I can't talk to Mr D at the moment.