The clap clinic experience

The Clap Clinic (also known as the Centre for Sexual Health (CSH) and, for some god awful reason, also referred to as a GUM clinic in some NHS hospitals) was where the husband and I went last Friday.

It was an interesting experience.

The husband was in a rage about the whole thing. He didn't see the point of it and was not at all happy about having to have a swob test.

Rewind back to when I made the appointment - I asked the nurse whether he would have to have a swob test (because I knew that he really didn't want to have one) and she had said that he would. Being the good wife that I am, I had warned him and told him to refuse it if he was not comfortable with it.


Men, honestly.

The atmosphere in the CSH was as laid back as I thought it would be. The radio was playing and it was all very separate from the main outpatient area. We filled in forms and then I was called into a room by a very matronly looking woman. She was scary but I stood my ground. I am a 34 year old woman and I was not going to be intimidated by her.


Matron: What are you here for?
Me: To be tested for STIs.
Matron: Why?
Me: Because my husband and I are going to be doing IVF and we need to be checked before we can go ahead.

We then went through various personal questions, below are the highlights:

Matron: How long have you been with your current partner?
Me: 11 and a half years.
Matron: Have you had sex with anybody other than your partner during this time?
Me: No.
Matron: When did you last have sex?
Me: Monday.

After my swob and blood was taken I returned to the waiting room and a very nervous looking husband. Now it was his turn. I did laugh a little to myself because I knew that he would be petrified of the matron. Whilst waiting for the husband to return two other [very young] couples entered the clinic. We were so old compared to them.

On the way back to the car we swapped stories. I asked the husband whether he had the swob test and he casually replied that he did. I knew he wouldn't refuse the matron. We discussed the questions and compared answers:

Matron: What are you here for?
The Husband: I don't know, I was told to come.
Matron: Why do you want to be tested for STIs?
The husband: Because we have to be to be able to do IVF.
Matron: How long have you been with your current partner?
The Husband: 12 and a half years.
Matron: Have you had sex with anybody other than your partner during this time?
The Husband: No.
Matron: When did you last have sex?
The Husband: Wednesday.

To be fair, the husband was right on the sex question, I had completely forgotten about that which is obviously no reflection on the performance.

The results will be texted to us in a week.