Last night I went to the cinema to see the Time Traveller's Wife. I've read the book, which I thought was great and the film was equally as good. I went with my book group, well four members of the book group. I had had a stinker of a day. My head had been pounding since three and all I really wanted to do with go home to bed.
Anyway, the point of my post is this - in the book/film they struggle to have a baby and, after numerous miscarriages, Henry (the time traveller) decides to have a vasectomy. He doesn't want to put his wife through any more miscarriages and he is worried that they are putting her life at risk. He doesn't tell her about the vasectomy until after he has had it. Luckily for her, Henry is a time traveller so, when she goes to meet a younger him who has time travelled to the future they end up having sex and she ends up conceiving.
At this point my friend turns to me and says something. I didn't quite catch it so I asked her to repeat it. She said it again and, although I didn't quite catch it again, I got the gist of it and was not particularly happy.
When the film ended she turned to me and said that she had said during the film....
"If only you could do that and go back to when D's sperm was better quality" and then laughed.
I'm hoping that my face conveyed what I was feeling. I just stared at her and then turned away but what I wanted to say was:
"I'm sorry, was that meant to be funny?! When did it become acceptable to laugh at the fact that we can't have children? Do you find it funny that we are going to have to pay a lot of money to have a chance of having a baby?"
But of course I didn't. I chickened out. Did she know that she had upset me? I doubt it.
Am I in the wrong? Am I being too sensitive? I'm starting to think that I have told too many people what is going on in our life. Not one of them truly understand and I am getting sick of talking to people who just don't get it. If there was one thing that I could change about this whole shit situation, it would be that I had kept my gob shut.
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6 comments:
Ugh. The only person allowed to make that sort of joke is you. I hope she got the message.
Seriously? She thought her remark was not only cute and clever enough interrupt the film with, but cute and clever enough to repeat AFTER the film, and laugh about? And you didn't cry, scream, or slap her? You have the patience and forbearance of a saint.
Also, a remark like that about my husband? I'd've disembowelled her.
I don't know what is better, to say nothing and then deal with clueless people being clueless, or explain your circumstances and, err, deal with clueless people being clueless. All I do know is, once you've told anyone, you're doomed to go on telling forever. And sometimes, telling people in a polite, not-too-stressed way can lead to horrible back-fire as they assume it's not a big bad hairy deal for you and therefore hurt you with their carelessness and insensitivity. But telling it exactly as it is can lead (smug, fertile, ass-biscuits, mostly) to think you're being mental or whining too much. All I've learnt is, there IS no right answer to the telling/not telling thing, and whichever way you go, you will regret at least some of it.
I'm sorry. I hope it didn't spoil the film too much for you.
Yuck - no more movies with her! I would have felt the same. There is one friend of mine who always writes me these emails that always say shit like, "Don't worry, it will happen when it happens." and I usually YELL at my computer screen, "NOOOOOO IT WON'T. It will happen when I pay $12,000 and a test tube is involved..." Some people just don't get it.
It's completely understandable that you are angry about that. Does this friend already have kids? "Go back in time and get better sperm". Screw you.
We haven't told anyone at all we are having troubles or of the IVF (except for one SIL who is in Europe so I don't have to update her everyday). It's shit like this that makes me think twice about changing our minds on the sharing.
No, I don't think that you're being over-sensitive. Although we may at times resort to black humour as a means of coping with the situation we have found ourselves in, there is a world of difference between you doing it and someone else making a joke at your expense. Infertility is no laughing matter.
I hope that it didn't spoil your enjoyment of the film too much.
I have a friend of 22 years who likes to remind me that her little boy was not planned and that she was on the brink of abortion. She often mentions that imagine had she not been on thepill, how easy it'd be to, and I quote "Pop 'em out".
In turn I've countlessly reminded her that it hurts/pisses me off that she talks like this but it falls on deaf ears.
One word: Tact (or therefore lack of)
Still, I hope this didn't ruin the film too much for you. I've yet to see it.
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