It is the weekend. The sun is shining. It is surprisingly warm. And I am feeling a bit miserable. I think it is PMT. In fact I don't think that it is PMT, I know it is.
This cycle has been a bit different from all the others. This cycle we found out that D's sperm isn't great. That the chances of conceiving naturally are pretty slim. That IF well and truly sucks.
After the hospital appointment I felt numb. Any hope I had of us doing this naturally went completely out the window. It was clear that this was something that D and I would not be able to do on our own. For the first time I really started to think that this may never happen. That we may have to face a future that didn't involve a family.
As the start of my next cycle looms I have realised that I have not been as hopeful as previous cycles but, I must admit, there is still a small glimmer of hope. Why is that? Why do I still hope for what is a near impossibility? I know a lot of people would say that having hope is healthy but personally, I don't think it is. I don't want to be faced with this hope every month. I just want to move on. Focus on something else so that, if we don't succeed in creating a family, I am not left completely shattered.
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2 comments:
This is what I call the "no baby blues." I really feel for you. It is an extremely miserable feeling. I felt this way a year or so back and I did quit trying for a while. For the past year I tried focusing on just my hubby and I and I really tried to make myself resign to the fact that we would never have children...but now I am trying again. In the end, I know that if I do finally conceive, the day that the baby is placed in my arms will make all of this heart ache worth it. And if I don't, and I adopt instead...I will love those kids even more and they will be that much more special to me.
I know that it doesn't really help to have people tell you to "keep your chin up" or that "everything will be okay" so I won't go there. It is okay to feel weak and fragile sometimes.
I'm with you that sometimes I wonder if the hope is healthy - how can it be when it's what tears you down. If you didn't have any hope, there'd be nothing to tear down.
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