This morning I woke up at 3.45am with period pains. I immediately popped some pills in my mouth, then I went to the toilet, returned to bed and spent the next 2 hours awake, thinking.
What was I thinking about?
The usual, being infertile.
You see, I am fed-up and lost.
This whole infertility business has made me (hopefully temporarily) lose my place in this world. I no longer know who I am, where I am at or where I want to go.
Because, what I did know about myself, - happily married / working but not really caring about work / career on hold because I would soon be pregnant - where I was (before IF became a real possibility) - in a relationship which was ready to move to the next level - and where I wanted to go - starting a family with D - may not happen now. So, that one small thing (not being able to conceive) has totally thrown me off kilter.
In reality I am now part of an infertile couple struggling to accept everything that comes with IF. We are currently having to arrange our life round tests / hospital appointments / periods and mood swings and, after two and a half years, we are beginning to realise that where we want to go is irrelevant because we may not get there anyway.
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2 comments:
Ahhh! You sound really miserable. I hope a part of it is the last vestiges of PMT. Take care.
Ugh, you are so totally where I am. It's weird how it makes you rethink everything, and how you/I have a tough time figuring out what to do next when next is so unknown and seems pretty pointless? I'd like to have direction again...
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