Officially infertile

I am now officially infertile. The definition of infertility does vary slightly depending on your source of information but, the bottom line is, that after two years of trying with no success you are classed as infertile (NHS Direct website). So, it looks like I am one of the unlucky 5 out of 100 who do not conceive naturally within a two year time frame. Does this mean that I will not conceive naturally EVER or is it just that it is going to take us a lot longer than the average couple?

In reaching this sodding unfortunate milestone I am convinced that we will not achieve a natural pregnancy. I foresee us having to go through assisted conception and even then there is no guarantee that this will work for us. I know people who have been successful and I know people that haven't been successful and deep down I have this horrible feeling that we are going to be in the second category.

How do I feel about this? I am feeling very BITTER - why us?

I was reading the Kite Runner last night and I stumbled across the chapter where they try for their own baby. The narrator and his wife do not succeed in having a family after IVF and so they accept that they are going to be childless. The narrator thinks that this is a reflection of the bad thing that he did when he was younger and that he is not worthy of becoming a father. This made me think what I have throught (underneath) all along. Even on that day, 16 years ago, I knew it would stop me from having a child in the future, that thought entered my head then and now it hardly ever leaves. I know that I am not worthy of becoming a parent because of the mistake I made when I was 15.