Shit happens again & again & again.....

I haven't posted for a while because I have made this blog PRIVATE, which means that nobody can read it unless I invite them, which means that nobody is reading this because I haven't invited anybody, which in turn, makes me wonder whether there is any point to writing anything down as I have no audience. BUT, I don't think that I want an audience because I am such a miserable cow right now so anything I say will NOT help others and what is the point of having a blog which can be read by others if it is just going to drag others down. I also don't like the idea of writing my deepest thoughts for a whole load of strangers to get their hand on. This is private and will stay that way....

There are so many things dragging me down at the moment.

It would seem that when you hit your 30's it becomes almost impossible to lose weight. The 7lbs which I managed to put on over Christmas (yes, in two weeks, 7lbs) has STILL not left my hips and no matter how hard I try I CANNOT lose any of the weight. I have been doing Slim Fast for the last two weeks in a bid to reduce my calorie intake and to reduce my appetite, after losing a crap 1lb in the first week and then weighing myself half way through the second week where I was surprisingly 2.5lbs under my starting weight, I get back on the scales today to find that I am right back where I started. WTF! It makes me feel like I may as well eat and drink what I want because the lard is here to stay. D keeps saying that I need to start exercising and I know that he is right but I just can't face it.

D got his SA results and although at first I wasn't concerned, after talking to D over the weekend I am now quite concerned and even more convinced that we are NOT going to be able to conceive naturally. The down side to this is that I made D feel like shit because I showed shock when he told me the percentage of "damaged" sperm that he had. Basically the morphology of his sperm is abnormal, this means that some of his sperm has bent tails and/or heads which makes it hard for the sperm to penetrate the egg. Now, although the doctor said she cannot see any reason why this would stop us from conceiving a child naturally I am not so sure. My friend's husband had this and his abnormal morphology was about 35%, D said at the weekend that his was about 50% and this is why I freaked. My friend and her husband (with the 35% abnormal morphology) had to go through IVF to get their babies. D obviously doesn't know that I know what my friend's husband's morphology was and so I couldn't tell him but he had noticed the panic on my face and so has started to freak himself.

I am currently in two minds as to whether to apply for a job which would get me out of the hell hole I currently call work. But 1, I can't be ARSED to fill in the form, take the test and attend an interview. 2, I have absolutely NO self confidence and as a result do not feel like I am worthy of a new job which will eventually pay a lot more money than the one I am in at the moment. 3, I am too FAT to fit into my suit and 4, the journey to work would nearly double what it is at the moment and I already whinge about that. BUT, on the flip side, I HATE my job, I HATE the people I work with, I HATE my managers and I HATE being so miserable about my job.

And finally, the house we were in the process of buying is now under offer again and it isn't our offer which means that we will have to pay our solicitors about £500 for their services and will have nothing to show for it - same house, same road, same neighbours and same miserable existence!