Bad week

This week has just gone from bad to worse. Usually at this point in my cycle I am feeling positive and hopeful however, I am currently depressed, despairing of my situation and life, and a total emotional wreak.

I do wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I will be 33 on Sunday. It is dawning on me that I am a miserable bitch and that I have been for nearly two whole years. I am so sick of being miserable but I really can't seem to lift myself out of this depressing bubble and move forward.

Last night I asked D whether he thought giving acupuncture would be a good idea and I couldn't believe what his response was. He asked me why I was considering acupuncture and when I said to try and help the infertile situation he turned around and said that we weren't infertile, that it would happen if and when it is meant to be. I could have swung for him because I was really starting to think that he understood the situation and was able to be supportive but the truth is that he doesn't and isn't. At least he wasn't last night. I know that he IS feeling this shit and that it does hurt him but he just doesn't know how to deal with it. He is a bloke after all. We really are no good for each other when we are like this because we are just too alike, sometimes I am amazed that our marriage has lasted as long as it has.

There are some things which really get to me about D and one of the biggest is the relationship that he has with GOD. After a childhood of GOD smothering by his mother he has grown into an adult with a LOT of issues. He is convinced that he is being punished for something that he has done in his life (probably from appearing to lose his religion), that this is typical of how he's life is and that I would be better off going and finding somebody else who can give me what I want. Oh and to top it off he doesn't believe in medical intervention which is why I spent a lot of time wondering whether to even bother going to the doctor because if we do discover that we need medical assistance he probably won't go for it.

I am happy to try alternative medicine and if that doesn't work then I would not think twice about medical intervention as what I want is a BABY and it doesn't matter how we get it as long as we do.

I am so tired of this battle with IF, the battle that I have with my husband, and the internal battle that I have with my own guilt. You see, I'm the real reason we are being punished, I was the one who had a termination at 15 and probably destroyed my only chance of carrying a pregnancy to full term. I chose not to be a mother at that time and I'm beginning to think that may have been the worst mistake I have ever made.