HATE

I lost a disappointing 1.5lbs at WW this week. Don't get me wrong, I'm not expecting huge weight losses each week but I really did think that I would lose a bit more than that - seeing as it was my first week. Anyway, 1.5lbs off is better than putting on.

I am feeling really weird at the mo. I just can't seem to concentrate on anything, I am totally knackered the whole time and I frequently feel like I am losing my grip on everything. In fact, I often feel like I am on the verge of having a panic attack. I have never had a panic attack so I am not entirely sure whether this is what I am feeling but I get to the stage where I just can't concentrate on anything, I feel trapped and all I want to do is run away. I think that I am feeling like this because it has really started to dawn on me that we may never have a child. I really don't think that this is going to happen for us because if it was going to happen it would have by now.

I was reading a post on another IF blog yesterday and she was talking about how the ttc period is spent with fear, despair and depression when it should be a time to enjoy as when the baby does come life becomes incredibly hard. In principle I agree with her and I went home feeling that I should stop being so damn miserable, and hey, I managed it for a couple of hours but then I started to feel the usual crap. You see, we could all enjoy this time if we had some guarantee that we would have a baby one day. It is not knowing whether it is going to happen at all that puts you into the state of despair.

I am currently in the pathetic state of staring at every single pregnant woman I see, muttering "why the fuck can it happen to her and not me" under my breath and secretly wanting to go and grab the woman by the throat. I have become the maniac that I didn't want to become and I don't see a way out (other than the obvious).

Taking control of my eating habits is not helping me this time, I think I have sunk too low. That's what happens when you HATE your job, HATE your house, HATE not being a family, HATE not having a baby and HATE being fat.

I'm done with begging, this shit can just keep coming, I no longer care if I drown in the process.....