This is going to be a long post as I have too much shit going on in my head

Things are not right at the moment and I don't know what I can do change them. I knew that going to the doctors, having tests and pursuing possible assistance with conception would cause problems with my marriage. Those fears have proved spot on. D and I are going through a rough patch, a very rough patch. We can pretend that we are surviving, that we are strong and that we will not be beaten by IF but, that's what it is, a pretence, and it is only a matter of time before we are exhausted by it. What then? Where will we, as a couple, go from there?

I wish that we were stronger but we aren't. We are too alike.

Our views on IF differ a lot and our views on assisted conception are complete opposites. D doesn't really want to go down that path (and don't get me wrong, nor do I) but I am willing to try anything if the end result is a family. D isn't willing to try anything and still has faith that this will work for us if it is meant to be. How can I make him see otherwise? I can't, I have been trying for two years now and I really don't think that he is going to change how he feels. Can I live a childless life with him? Will I hold it against him? At this moment in time I really don't know the answers to these questions.

In the world of IF blogs there has been so many BFP. I am happy for these bloggers because they get to move on to the next stage of IF, the cautious 9 months wait where a number of hurdles have to be jumped before you can believe that this is actually going to come good. I hate that I know about this shit, I hate that it is an issue in our marriage, and I hate the person it has turned me into it. That is the hardest thing out of all of this. There was a time when I was happy, when little things would make me smile and I didn't constantly have a "what if..." crossing my mind over every little thing.

Part of me would really love to go back to my life before I became an infertile. Why did we think about trying for a baby? Now that we have made that decision we have made ourselves the infertile couple, the one that everyone will look at with pity.

I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and a couple of lines from a Kate Nash song hit me hard:

"My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations, and I know that I should let go, but I can't."