TWW = feeling like shit

I'm in the shit part of the TWW. You know, the part where you start to get PMT symptoms, when you prepare yourself for the worst every time you go to the toilet, where you start to hear all the success stories and, where hope starts to fade fast but there is still that little voice at the back of your head telling you that this could be the month.

I hate this part so much.

My PMT symptoms are the same as they are every other month.

I feel like I am going see the fucking annoying arrival of AF any minute now so why would slight pink spotting surprise me.

A friend emailed to tell me that one of her friends (a fellow IF) is pregnant. My friend was very good about the whole thing and said in the email that she was aware that the news would probably raise a lot of feelings for me. And she is right. I really am pleased for her friend as she has been through a lot and, if I am totally honest with you, I didn't think that she would ever achieve pregnancy. BUT there is now the thought that I am the only IF friend that my friend has. I am the 1 out of 6 and although it should offer me hope, it hasn't.

I am 33 and my dream of having a family is fading fast. I never thought that I would be here, at this stage of my life. I am sick of people not understanding, of fear crossing their face when I say that I am infertile. Apparently I don't know that for sure and there are lots of things that can be done nowadays but, at the end of the day, there really is not much hope that this is going to work for us. I have a husband who does not want to go down the path of IVF and we don't have the money to pay for it anyway so it would involve a very long wait on the NHS waiting list. Adopt? No, I really don't think that it is for me. Why? I can't stand the thought of being interviewed by a panel of people who will ask very personal questions about my marriage and relationships with my family. I am always amazed that anybody can conceive and give birth to a baby but if a couple is unable to do this they have to go through a scanning process which is in personal and stressful.

I know this feeling will pass when my period comes. I will have a couple of days of feeling totally sorry for myself then I will pick myself up and get on with my life (for about three weeks), then it is back to the wonderful world of hope (for about a week), before I sink back into this shit part.