Continuous PMT

Why doesn't my desire for a baby EVER go away?! It needs to disappear so that I can have a surprise pregnancy and be all "oh I didn't see that coming". It has been two years now, two sodding years (sorry, do I keep going on about that?!) and although I am only in the first throws of ttc compared to the old timers I am FED UP. I WANT a baby and I WANT one now!

Anyway, now that I have that off my chest, back to some form of sanity. I am on CD 13, I have two bars on my fertility monitor and I am expecting to see three bars tomorrow. Let's see if my body plays ball and stays consistent. I hate this time because your whole thought process is on having sex - not because it is fun - but because it is a necessity, and then once this period is over with you move on to the even more dreaded 2WW which is followed by the crap that is AF. Oh how I HATE the female reproductive system, I HATE it. I used to just hate periods but now it is so much more, in fact it is the whole bloody cycle.

Good days? What good days? Maybe there are a couple of positive days when you have finished the period from hell (a whole 7 days of bleeding) and you start to think that maybe, just maybe this could be THE month, THE one, YOUR time. I think that lasts for about 5 days max and then you start to get the negativity which follows that positivity, the negativity which says that the fact that you have simply THOUGHT about it means that it is not going to happen. PLEASE, PLEASE, PLEASE give me something else to think about. Maybe a house sale would give me something to think about, or is that asking too much?

Officially infertile

I am now officially infertile. The definition of infertility does vary slightly depending on your source of information but, the bottom line is, that after two years of trying with no success you are classed as infertile (NHS Direct website). So, it looks like I am one of the unlucky 5 out of 100 who do not conceive naturally within a two year time frame. Does this mean that I will not conceive naturally EVER or is it just that it is going to take us a lot longer than the average couple?

In reaching this sodding unfortunate milestone I am convinced that we will not achieve a natural pregnancy. I foresee us having to go through assisted conception and even then there is no guarantee that this will work for us. I know people who have been successful and I know people that haven't been successful and deep down I have this horrible feeling that we are going to be in the second category.

How do I feel about this? I am feeling very BITTER - why us?

I was reading the Kite Runner last night and I stumbled across the chapter where they try for their own baby. The narrator and his wife do not succeed in having a family after IVF and so they accept that they are going to be childless. The narrator thinks that this is a reflection of the bad thing that he did when he was younger and that he is not worthy of becoming a father. This made me think what I have throught (underneath) all along. Even on that day, 16 years ago, I knew it would stop me from having a child in the future, that thought entered my head then and now it hardly ever leaves. I know that I am not worthy of becoming a parent because of the mistake I made when I was 15.

Thank god Easter is OVER

Although I only had one egg for Easter and we didn't eat as much as we could have, we did drink a lot and, as a result, the scales were not very favourable yesterday. Anyway, Easter is now over and the calendar is looking quite clear so I am on a mission to lose some of this bloody weight. Yesterday I exercised for the first time in ages and this time I am determined because I am shitting myself that I will not be offered treatment (should it be needed) due to my weight. Please, oh please let this be the incentive that I need. I bought myself a pair of jeans from Next in a size 14 and it is my mission over the next month to get my arse comfortably into them.

On the ttc front, I am on CD8 so it is the start of another cycle, our 6th cycle using the Clearblue fertility monitor. D is going to be producing another sample that will be tested to see whether the quality of his sperm has improved and then we just wait, wait for the letter from the hospital about further testing - I really would like to be a stone lighter by then, likely? Who knows.

Doctors appointment

Yesterday I was back at the doctors to get the low down on D's SA results and to hopefully get that all important referral.

D had been to get his SA results and although he had conveyed them to me fairly well I wanted to hear it from the horses mouth (so to speak) so D had given me permission to discuss his results with the Dr. Hearing the results from the Dr made me feel bad, real bad. In fact, you could say that I panicked when the Dr went through his results with me. Don't get me wrong, they weren't terrible, there is sperm there, he had a fairly good percentage of rapid moving sperm and she can't see any reason why we shouldn't conceive naturally with what he does have BUT, and that is a very big BUT - the morphology is not great - which means that if one of the not so great sperms made it to the egg then it would struggle to penetrate it. The Dr says that this probably explains why it is taking us a bit longer to conceive but she is sure that we will get there.

I so feel for D, I'm sure that he is feeling very much the same as me, I can't help but feel that this is the end for us in terms of the possibility of conceiving naturally. I know I am being irrational as there IS sperm there and some of it is looking pretty good but it is just the fact that there is also some of it which isn't looking so good.

The appointment also made me realise just how important it is for me to lose some of this sodding weight. My BMI is under 30....JUST! And to be able to qualify for funding my BMI needs to be under 30. Please let this be the incentive that I need to sort myself out. My weight has been getting me down lately and yesterday was just the end of the line for me. I hate what I have become.

The referral is not going to happen until April as the funding has run out for this financial year. In all honesty I am dreading the next stage because I know that it is going to involve lots of questions, tests and disappointment, I so hope I get pregnant before I have to embark on this journey but something deep inside tells me that it is not going to be as easy as that.

So for now, D has to do another SA sample to see whether the new results are an improvement on the last and I have to try and lose some weight. Fingers crossed.

Shit happens again & again & again.....

I haven't posted for a while because I have made this blog PRIVATE, which means that nobody can read it unless I invite them, which means that nobody is reading this because I haven't invited anybody, which in turn, makes me wonder whether there is any point to writing anything down as I have no audience. BUT, I don't think that I want an audience because I am such a miserable cow right now so anything I say will NOT help others and what is the point of having a blog which can be read by others if it is just going to drag others down. I also don't like the idea of writing my deepest thoughts for a whole load of strangers to get their hand on. This is private and will stay that way....

There are so many things dragging me down at the moment.

It would seem that when you hit your 30's it becomes almost impossible to lose weight. The 7lbs which I managed to put on over Christmas (yes, in two weeks, 7lbs) has STILL not left my hips and no matter how hard I try I CANNOT lose any of the weight. I have been doing Slim Fast for the last two weeks in a bid to reduce my calorie intake and to reduce my appetite, after losing a crap 1lb in the first week and then weighing myself half way through the second week where I was surprisingly 2.5lbs under my starting weight, I get back on the scales today to find that I am right back where I started. WTF! It makes me feel like I may as well eat and drink what I want because the lard is here to stay. D keeps saying that I need to start exercising and I know that he is right but I just can't face it.

D got his SA results and although at first I wasn't concerned, after talking to D over the weekend I am now quite concerned and even more convinced that we are NOT going to be able to conceive naturally. The down side to this is that I made D feel like shit because I showed shock when he told me the percentage of "damaged" sperm that he had. Basically the morphology of his sperm is abnormal, this means that some of his sperm has bent tails and/or heads which makes it hard for the sperm to penetrate the egg. Now, although the doctor said she cannot see any reason why this would stop us from conceiving a child naturally I am not so sure. My friend's husband had this and his abnormal morphology was about 35%, D said at the weekend that his was about 50% and this is why I freaked. My friend and her husband (with the 35% abnormal morphology) had to go through IVF to get their babies. D obviously doesn't know that I know what my friend's husband's morphology was and so I couldn't tell him but he had noticed the panic on my face and so has started to freak himself.

I am currently in two minds as to whether to apply for a job which would get me out of the hell hole I currently call work. But 1, I can't be ARSED to fill in the form, take the test and attend an interview. 2, I have absolutely NO self confidence and as a result do not feel like I am worthy of a new job which will eventually pay a lot more money than the one I am in at the moment. 3, I am too FAT to fit into my suit and 4, the journey to work would nearly double what it is at the moment and I already whinge about that. BUT, on the flip side, I HATE my job, I HATE the people I work with, I HATE my managers and I HATE being so miserable about my job.

And finally, the house we were in the process of buying is now under offer again and it isn't our offer which means that we will have to pay our solicitors about £500 for their services and will have nothing to show for it - same house, same road, same neighbours and same miserable existence!

No sale

My house sale has fallen through again. I think we are aiming too high - new house and baby. It would seem that although most can achieve both we are in the minority which cannot achieve either.

Reminder to myself - don't get excited about anything and don't expect either of the above to happen.

A lot can happen in two years

In the past two years I have (in no particular order)....

~ had a husband go from not being bothered about a family, to being a bit more interested with all this ttc stuff, to being as pissed off as me that this hasn't happened for us
~ had three friends give birth to their first child
~ become the only person in both my group of friends and my husband's group of friends (who are in position to) have a child, or two or three
~ experienced a pregnancy for a week and a bit
~ become totally self obsessed with my own problems
~ put a stone and a half on in weight
~ had all the initial blood work done and discovered that everything seems to be OK with me in that area
~ convinced my husband to get his "stuff" checked - all I need to do is convince him to get the results
~ seen a very dear friend who has struggled to conceive her second child go through IVF, succeed and give birth to adorable twin girls
~ tried to sell our house - fingers crossed this has finally been a success
~ become bored with my job
~ turned bitter

Come on girl, it's only been 24 cycles

That isn't that long....right?! It feels like an eternity, I am exhausted from the constant wishing, dreaming, despair, disappointment, fear, anger, resentment, yearning.... the list could go on and on.

I have a friend who has been ttc since she got married over 5 years ago. Whenever we talk I am always amazed at how she appears to have moved on from ttc. She says she is happy with her husband and her two dogs and she certainly seems it. She never whinges about not being able to have a baby and she shows no resentment or bitterness. I wish I could be like her, she has moved on from all this shit and has a life. So why can't I? How long will it take me to accept that this may NEVER happen?

The history

In mid May 2006 the husband and I decided to ditch the BCP. We had been married for just over 5 1/2 years. It was more my idea than his, he was worried about it happening sooner rather than later, I told him it was unlikely to happen so quickly but was secretly hoping that it would.

In August 2006 I felt different/odd so I tested three days before my period. Four positive pregnancy tests later I was beginning to believe it but the following week I started to spot and it eventually turned into a full blown period. Did I miscarry? I think yes but I'm not a 100% comfortable with actually saying that I had a miscarriage.

By December 2007 I had had enough so I made an appointment to see the doctor.

I started 2008 with blood tests. The results were good. I was ovulating and my egg quality was great. In February the husband produced his first sample for a SA, the doctor told us that the results were OK but that there were a few issues with morphology. We were told that this could be why it is taking us so long to conceive but that it wouldn't stop us from conceiving naturally. The husband was told that he would need to repeat the SA.

In April I had another blood test, this time to check my rubella antibody levels. We were told that we would be referred to the hospital for further tests. Three months later and we were still waiting to hear from the the hospital, I phoned the doctors to check on the referral and was told that it hadn't taken place. They had been waiting for the husband to do his second SA. In July the husband produced his second sample, we were informed that the results showed an improvement in the morphology and that we would now be referred to the hospital.

Finally, in September we received our first hospital appointment. Discovered at the appointment that the husband's morphology had registered at 2% on the first SA and 4% on the second. Alarm bells started to ring that we were dealing with MFI although the consultant was reluctant to confirm that this would stop us conceiving naturally. In October I had an HSG (horrible experience) which showed that one of my tubes did not pass dye through it. It was decided that I would have to have a laparoscopy to see if there was a blockage in my left tube. In December I had the laparoscopy which showed that there was no blockage but they did remove some endometriosis and a cyst. We were told to try naturally for six months.

After a VERY long 6 months we found ourselves back at the hospital in June 2009. We were left devastated that day as we were told by the consultant that there was nothing more that they could do for us, that we would need assisted conception but that there was no funding on the NHS so, whatever we decided to do next would have to be paid for by us. The consultant's farewell gift was to tell us 'not to leave it too long because we had been trying for quite some time now already.'

The remainder of 2009 was spent writing letters to the PCT, moving house, being referred for NHS funded IVF at the neighbouring PCT (that we had moved into, which was literally 4 miles away), being accepted for funding and receiving a letter from our chosen clinic with the date of our initial consultation in 2010.