Moving on

Before I start I just want to say a big thank you to those who commented on my last post, your comments definitely helped.

I'm still pretty much in the same place as I was when I wrote the last post. I have tried on numerous occasions to get my thoughts out in a post but I'm struggling. I feel impatient to get everything out and, as a result I end up with a jumbled mess that I just delete. So I'm feeling inarticulate and frustrated as well as all the other feelings mentioned in my last post.

I seem to have become obsessed with assisted conception. Throughout our ttc journey there was obviously always the hope, and even possibly a belief, that we would conceive naturally. After the laparoscopy, when we were told to try naturally for 6 months before assisted conception, I have to admit that I was frustrated. I wanted a result there and then, I needed a plan and something else to focus on rather than returning to months of just hoping. Six months seemed like a long time and also a bit of a let down after months of doctors appointments, hospital appointments and the odd procedure. We are nearly half way through the 6 month wait - ttc naturally - and I'm struggling, not just with ttc but the whole idea of assisted conception.

For the first time since we embarked on our ttc journey I realise that assisted conception is, more than likely, our only chance of conceiving. I'm the one who have always been OK with assisted conception it was the husband who didn't want to go down that route. Over the last year and a half I have, in true femme fatale stylie, coaxed him round to my way of thinking. But the big problem now is that I am scared. Not just scared, I am petrified. I know that this is only natural and that I wouldn't be human if I didn't have these feelings but I am shocked, shocked that I am having these feelings. You see, I have always been adamant that I would do anything to have a baby but now, I'm not so sure. Perhaps I should just accept that we weren't meant to be a family and move on, focus on something else - is that at all possible? Will I not be forever wondering what if....

I know that I (thankfully) don't have to make any decisions now and that I will definitely change my mind on a weekly basis but I'm pretty sure that this is the root of my problem. I've realised that we will be moving on up the IF ladder and that the next step is not only big, it is also very slippery.

Tired

I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't know why. Well, when I say I don't know why, I obviously know what the core of the problem is but, I don't know why it is bothering me as much as it is. I know the deal, every month I get my hopes up, every month my period comes, heavier and more painful than the last, every month I turn into the bitch from hell, want to do nothing but lay in bed for days on end and then what? Usually I'm back up and at it. Ready to start afresh, give it another go, convince myself that miracles do happen - I'm told often enough by fertiles who have nothing more to offer you. But, for some reason, this month is different. I've felt this way before. The despair. The anger. The bitterness. The pain. The suffocation. And I am sure that I will get beyond this but, at this moment in time, I can't. I need a break. A break from work, people, ttc, friends, family. I'm tired of pretending that everything is alright, that we are coping with IF.

What a week

This week at work has been particularly tough.

Let's rewind to Monday morning, it's 8.30am and I have just walked in the door and I get greeted with "Tilly's pregnant". It turns out Tilly (not her real name) was on the pill so the pregnancy was a complete shock. Lucky Tilly. Does she even know that people spend years trying to get what she managed to get by accident?

This news was just what I needed as I was already having to deal with the return to work of a woman that I really, really don't get on with. This woman, let's call her Tiny (because there is nothing tiny about her, including her mouth), has been off on maternity leave. As you can imagine, Tiny has spent the entire week talking about baby and, just in case that wasn't enough, has also been talking about trying for the next one.

To top my week of baby and pregnancy overload, yesterday we had more snow. Yep, that's right, there's nothing in that which is remotely related to pregnancy or babies but, my dear friend, that is where you are wrong.

Another pregnant woman in my office, let's call her Rosie, was meant to be working until 7pm. She was concerned about getting home and so had asked management if she could leave earlier. Well, there was a great debate in the office about this and Tiny decided that, as a mother and somebody who was recently pregnant herself, she had a right to get involved. She ordered somebody to walk Rosie to the car by saying that "if that was your wife and she was pregnant, you wouldn't want her to walk to the car on her own". She then went in and had a go at management for not understanding why Rosie should leave early. Of course Rosie should leave early, SHE'S PREGNANT! Yesterday, I discovered that you are an extra special person if you are with child. Tell me this, why do women suddenly become so special when they are pregnant?! Me, I would be offended if people treated me better/differently just because I happened to be carrying a baby.

And, it didn't end there. Nope, I came into work this morning to Tiny telling somebody else about how Rosie wasn't thought of as special by management because management haven't had a child of their own! SO FUCKING WHAT if management haven't had children. That has fuck all to do with it. You are not fucking special if you are pregnant or have children, you are just fucking lucky.

Bits and bobs

Two things that I am trying to focus:

Weight - over Christmas I put on 5lbs. So far I have lost 4 of that 5lbs but I am finding it so difficult. Once I have lost that 5lbs I only have have another 8lbs to go to get to goal. The last 8lbs are going to be tough.

House - as mentioned here, we have made the difficult decision to rent our house out and move into tied accommodation. It has taken us a while to get our heads around it but we both think that we have made the right decision. It has given us something else to focus on and look forward to. We have been spending some time at the new house, painting and tidying and I have ordered a fantastic range cooker for the new kitchen. We will not move in to the new house until we have found tenants for our house so fingers crossed we get some interest.

Three things that I am trying not to focus on:

1. As far as I am aware, I didn't ovulate last month.
2. I am currently on CD11 and I am still spotting! Never had that before.
3. One month down.......only four more months until our next hospital appointment which I am dreading but, I am also keen/impatient for it to be here as I am desperate to find out where we go from here - IUI? IVF? Who knows.