A whole load of emotion

I would never have predicted the variety of emotions I would be experiencing following approval for treatment on the NHS. Even though the decision is well overdue and I am ecstatic to finally be moving on to the next stage, I have found the whole thing very scary and emotional. I have, however, been reassured by other IF bloggers about to embark on IVF for the first time posting similar fears, concerns and excitement, it makes me realise that everything that I am going through is normal or as normal as it can be.

Surprisingly, this last week I have been experiencing waves of anger similarly to when we first started going through this. I think it is the anticipation of what we have to come, mixed with the thought of yet another Christmas without a family. It's weird because I am aware of it and I know that it is irrational but I can't stop feeling angry that friends were able to have a family without having to go through what we will be going through in February/March/April. I know that this anger will pass, that as the date of our first consultation approaches it will change to excitement, fear, anticipation, optimism, pessimism, hope, and either relief, happiness and joy or sadness and despair.

Our initial consultation is on 1 February which, when I received the letter, felt like a lifetime away. Now, it doesn't feel too bad. Yes, I am keen to get started and I would do it tomorrow if I could but, realistically, February is a good date. It gives us time to detox after Christmas and time really will fly by I am sure.

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

Last night I went to the cinema to see the Time Traveller's Wife. I've read the book, which I thought was great and the film was equally as good. I went with my book group, well four members of the book group. I had had a stinker of a day. My head had been pounding since three and all I really wanted to do with go home to bed.

Anyway, the point of my post is this - in the book/film they struggle to have a baby and, after numerous miscarriages, Henry (the time traveller) decides to have a vasectomy. He doesn't want to put his wife through any more miscarriages and he is worried that they are putting her life at risk. He doesn't tell her about the vasectomy until after he has had it. Luckily for her, Henry is a time traveller so, when she goes to meet a younger him who has time travelled to the future they end up having sex and she ends up conceiving.

At this point my friend turns to me and says something. I didn't quite catch it so I asked her to repeat it. She said it again and, although I didn't quite catch it again, I got the gist of it and was not particularly happy.

When the film ended she turned to me and said that she had said during the film....

"If only you could do that and go back to when D's sperm was better quality" and then laughed.

I'm hoping that my face conveyed what I was feeling. I just stared at her and then turned away but what I wanted to say was:

"I'm sorry, was that meant to be funny?! When did it become acceptable to laugh at the fact that we can't have children? Do you find it funny that we are going to have to pay a lot of money to have a chance of having a baby?"

But of course I didn't. I chickened out. Did she know that she had upset me? I doubt it.

Am I in the wrong? Am I being too sensitive? I'm starting to think that I have told too many people what is going on in our life. Not one of them truly understand and I am getting sick of talking to people who just don't get it. If there was one thing that I could change about this whole shit situation, it would be that I had kept my gob shut.

Dog with a bone

After spending ages writing a post about my experience at the doctors I realised that I had already told you all about it. Seems like I am definitely going crazy. So, I've rehashed the post to just include the bits that are new.

I feel like I am climbing a bit of a mountain at the moment. After my hospital appointment I was mad with the PCT so I emailed and asked, under the F.reedom of Information (FOI) Act, information on funding for IVF for the current financial year and information on the current waiting list. On Monday I received a response. It would seem that my PCT, the PCT that has told me twice that there is no funding for IVF has actually allocated £64,000 this financial year for IVF and that there is currently no waiting list. Now, I'm not naive, I know that just because funding has been allocated does not automatically guarantee that it is available. It may already be allocated but, the fact that they have said that there is no funding, thank you and goodbye has really pissed me off.

What about -

"There's currently no money available but we will put you on a waiting list to be considered at a later date"

OR

"There is funding but it is currently being spent on the existing waiting list"

OR EVEN

"We are not able to add you to the waiting list but if you phone us in 6 months things may have changed"

Nope, none of that. Just a very definite -

"Fuck off - we can't help you"

I'm that pissed off that I have written a letter of complaint to the PCT. In the letter I include the information obtained from the FOI Act as well as other documentation obtained from committee minutes and a recently published survey of IVF provision in England which all state, in writing, that there has been and still is funding (oh, but apparently you have to be 39+ to receive it).

Nothing is ever easy.

My name is Fucking Idiot

In March I went to visit three university friends. Two of the friends were 8 months pregnant with their second child and one of them, my very best friend, the one that I lived with for over five years, was trying for her second baby. Over the weekend she talked to me a lot about her frustration and how difficult the whole ttc process is when it doesn't happen straight away (they conceived their first child before they were ever really trying). She said that she finally understood how I must be feeling and that she really felt for me and wished that I would be the next to conceive. When I asked her how long they had been trying she said that it would be a year in May.

Yep, she really was comparing her 11 months, although it was actually 10 months because she said that they took a month off, to me and the length of time I have been trying to conceive. I let it go because, after all, I know that it is difficult no matter how long you have been trying.

Yesterday, I received an email from her informing me that she is 14 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant the weekend I saw her, yes, it was very early and probably very unlikely that she knew but this news has made me feel very angry and, quite frankly, like a bit of a fucking idiot. Me, [the fucking idiot] listened to her heartache about how not conceiving was putting a strain on their relationship, that she was struggling to cope every month and that she was so fed up that she had stopped popping folic acid. Me, [the fucking idiot] gave her sympathy and encouragement and told her to start taking folic acid again.

If you haven't guessed, the email (read at work yesterday) left me devastated. I fought back tears all day and then, in the car journey on the way home, it all came flooding out. I feel so sad and angry. I'm sad because I really am beginning to feel like this isn't meant for us. And the anger, the anger is beginning to scare me. I'm not angry with her (I know that people need to get on with their lives and really, it isn't anybodies fault that we can't conceive), I'm angry that there are so many people who manage to conceive without any problems and I'm angry that there are so many people who do struggle to conceive. I'm also angry that Mr D can't accept that this is happening and that a natural pregnancy is very unlikely after three years of ttc. I'm angry that he doesn't want to do everything possible to make it happen for us. And I'm angry that I am THE friend that everybody has to tread carefully around when they have a pregnancy announcement.

Her email was so carefully worded. She said all the right things, she is still there for me if I ever need to talk or rant. That she hopes that it will happen for us soon and that she hopes that I didn't read the email at work. At the moment I don't have the stomach to respond. I know that she will be worried if she doesn't hear from me and I feel bad for that but I just don't trust myself. My anger is just so strong at the moment. I think the announcement is probably just bad timing. My 34th birthday is pending. My husband has said that he doesn't want to do assisted conception. Two friends have only recently given birth and me, I'm in exactly the same place that I was two years ago, only more angry, bitter, sad and alone. It really is the loneliness of all this that gets me the most. I even feel like I can't talk to Mr D at the moment.

What a week

This week at work has been particularly tough.

Let's rewind to Monday morning, it's 8.30am and I have just walked in the door and I get greeted with "Tilly's pregnant". It turns out Tilly (not her real name) was on the pill so the pregnancy was a complete shock. Lucky Tilly. Does she even know that people spend years trying to get what she managed to get by accident?

This news was just what I needed as I was already having to deal with the return to work of a woman that I really, really don't get on with. This woman, let's call her Tiny (because there is nothing tiny about her, including her mouth), has been off on maternity leave. As you can imagine, Tiny has spent the entire week talking about baby and, just in case that wasn't enough, has also been talking about trying for the next one.

To top my week of baby and pregnancy overload, yesterday we had more snow. Yep, that's right, there's nothing in that which is remotely related to pregnancy or babies but, my dear friend, that is where you are wrong.

Another pregnant woman in my office, let's call her Rosie, was meant to be working until 7pm. She was concerned about getting home and so had asked management if she could leave earlier. Well, there was a great debate in the office about this and Tiny decided that, as a mother and somebody who was recently pregnant herself, she had a right to get involved. She ordered somebody to walk Rosie to the car by saying that "if that was your wife and she was pregnant, you wouldn't want her to walk to the car on her own". She then went in and had a go at management for not understanding why Rosie should leave early. Of course Rosie should leave early, SHE'S PREGNANT! Yesterday, I discovered that you are an extra special person if you are with child. Tell me this, why do women suddenly become so special when they are pregnant?! Me, I would be offended if people treated me better/differently just because I happened to be carrying a baby.

And, it didn't end there. Nope, I came into work this morning to Tiny telling somebody else about how Rosie wasn't thought of as special by management because management haven't had a child of their own! SO FUCKING WHAT if management haven't had children. That has fuck all to do with it. You are not fucking special if you are pregnant or have children, you are just fucking lucky.