What if it doesn't work?

I have tried so hard not to think about next Monday. It's difficult but, for the majority, I am able to place it at the back of my mind. It helps being busy at work and focusing on weight loss. I find that the worst time for wondering thoughts is when I am driving home. Last night I found my mind wondering and, before I knew it, I thought what if this doesn't work? I'm not saying that I expect IVF to work the first time but I had convinced myself that it would eventually work.

We have one cyle on the NHS, a possibility of a FET and then we will pay for one final attempt. I had it in my head that one of these would surely have to work, that if nothing else the second round of IVF would be the kiddy, the winner, the icing on the cake.

That was, until last night. Last night our appointment on Monday became more than just an appointment to discuss IVF, it became the last leg of this journey. This is it. We are homeward bound, whether we arrive as a family or just the two of us will be decided this year.

I no longer feel ready for this. Ready for the treatment, the emotional roller coaster and the very real possibility that it could all be for nothing.

At the weekend, whilst the husband and I were talking about IVF and the appointment I was shocked to hear that he was keen to attend a counselling session (my husband is a very private person and I would never have thought that he would like to discuss his thoughts on IVF with anybody other than me). I've always been adamant that I wouldn't need to attend a counselling session but, as the appointment gets closer, I am beginning to think that I would also benefit from discussing my fears and concerns. IVF is scary and expensive and emotional and invasive and lots of other things but I am not sure that it is as scary as the question what if it doesn't work?

High hopes

OK, for some bizarre reason I had high hopes for this cycle.

You hear these stories, women who have been battling to conceive for years who, when on the verge of treatment, have a surprise pregnancy. It has to happen to somebody, right?

Add to this the fact that this is our golden cycle which, surely means something. Right?

Wrong!

The usual signs are here. We are heading in to our 51st cycle, does this mean that it is downhill from here?

We are just over a week away from the appointment. I am 2lbs down on the weight loss and I finally had the chat with my mum. There were tears from both parties but I think she understands. She did seem OK about it. She said that she was still feeling under the weather which was making her teary. I cried because I felt like I had upset her and so, there we sat in T.esco's car park, crying.

I'm glad it's over with.

Now all I need to do is try and lose as much weight as possible between now and Feb. Oh, and get through the first appointment, a round of IVF, need I go on?

Deep breath...and relax

The damage - 10lbs which, although expected, was still a bit hard to swallow.

The good news, I'm feeling positive and I'm determined to lose as much of it as possible before our first appointment. That gives me two weeks and 5 days. Crikey, where did that time go? I have been so stressed about the weight situation as I had got it into my head that I needed to be ready by 1 February. I'm concerned that the doctors and nurses will be judging me because I am slightly overweight and, on top of that, I am so annoyed with myself for doing so well and then, when it comes to the crunch, losing sight of the importance of it and putting a good percentage of it back on. Anyway, I've stopped stressing about it and realised that I am not running out of time because, not only do I have two and a half weeks, I also have the time between the appointment and the start of treatment. A weight loss of 10lbs is not impossible.

Today seemed to mark the start of something completely different to what I have been experiencing for the past few weeks. I actually felt excited. It dawned on me just how excited I was when I read this post by One who understands. It made 1 February so much more real.

The mum situation hasn't been resolved yet as she has been ill so, definitely not the right time to hit her with a heart to heart. Thank you for the comments about sharing or not sharing information with family and friends, it really helped. Whatever happens, I am not going to stress about it.

Weigh-laid by snow

Firstly, thank you for the polite comments on the last post. I'm obviously way too mean because, if I had been reading my blog, I'm sure that I would have suggested a weight. A weight which would have been way more than the person was expecting and I would have offended so, I think your approach is exemplary (although believe me, you needn't have worried about offending because it is bad). Between you and me, I was hoping that my invitation would entice some readers to de-lurk (owing to it being de-lurk week) however, I think I may be over-estimating just how many people read my ramblings blog.

Anyway, I am waffling so I will get back to the matter in hand. It was a complete let down on Wednesday night because my WW class was cancelled owing to the Big Freeze that has gripped the UK. So, after shitting preparing myself, all week day for the worst, I was none the wiser as to how bad I have actually been. Although, in saying that I do have a bit of an idea because I weighed myself at home but, this is not a true reflection because my scales never weigh me the same as the WW scales, in fact, my scales tend to weigh me about 5lbs lighter (why am I going to WW I hear you ask). I go because I have no discipline unless I have structure and a very scary woman telling me off for putting on weight.

The reason I have been so scared and preoccupied with how much weight I have put on in December is because my scales are weighing me 7lbs heavier than I was on 2 December and, if you add the 5lbs that they are always out by, it amounts to a whopping 12lbs! I bet none of you would have posted such a large amount. How awful is that? I am totally disgusted that I can put that much weight on in one month - see, I definitely need a structure and a very scary woman!

On another note, I am feeling really guilty because my mum asked me last night if I had heard from the hospital and I said no. I just wasn't ready to give her an answer because I haven't decided on what I am going to do yet - in terms of letting her know. I have spoken to my sister and she thinks that I will need my mum's support during IVF but we both agreed that I needed to have a word with her to make sure that she doesn't share it with anyone else. She tends to tell her best friend and sisters lots of things that she probably shouldn't. So, my options are:

1. Tell her when the appointment is but explain that, although I would like her support, I don't want anybody else to know. Do I want/need her support?


2. Tell her that the appointment is later than it actually is so that I am always one step ahead of her. I think this will be too stressful and she will be phoning me on days that I have said I have got an appointment when I haven't. Will get very messy. This isn't really an option but is something that has crossed my mind so I thought that I'd list it.


3. Tell her that we have received the appointment but that I would rather not say when it is because I don't want the stress of people knowing and wondering. This would totally upset her and would defeat the object because she would be always wondering.

Are there any other options? At the moment I can't think of any so it is looking like number 1. In all honesty, I don't think I am bothered about my parents knowing when we are going through the treatment, it is having to deal with the result of the treatment that bothers me. If it fails I will be upset enough without having to deal with their sadness and, if it works, I'll be stressing that they are celebrating too soon, there is such a long period between finding out that it has been successful and being able to breath a sigh of relief (which is why no.2 crossed my mind).

Two things

1. The husband did his business in a little room at the hospital today ready for our initial consultation.
2. I'm back at WW tonight (which I am dreading) but to try and distract myself from how horrible it is going to be (and the disgust that I am feeling) I thought it would be good to play a game called...

GUESS THE WEIGHT!

So, if you fancy having a guess at just how much weight I have put on since the last time I was weighed (which was on 2 December), please feel free to leave a comment.

*UPDATED* This is not a look back at 2009 although I do mention Christmas and New Year but that's as far as it goes

*UPDATED to include the all important no.7, how could I forget about that?!*

So that was Christmas. Now it's back to reality.

It's weird because I never realised just how much I was looking forward to Christmas. When I received the letter from the clinic I was so eager for it to be 2010. I thought Christmas was just a distraction but, it was more than that, it became an escape from it all.

I discovered this after everybody had left last Monday. We were so looking forward to having some time together, just the two of us, but the time between Christmas and New Year wasn't at all what I we thought it would be. We were both suffering from post-Christmas blues as we began to think about our situation, what we would be experiencing in 2010, fearful to hope but needing it to help us out of the depression that was slowly beginning to engulf us.

One thing that depressed me throughout December was the amount of weight that I was putting on. I am disgusted with myself, nearly all of my clothes no longer fit me! So, as of today, I am back on the wagon. I'm back at WW on Wednesday to find out the true damage of Christmas 2009. Wednesday is going to be a bad day. I am going to be in a foul mood no matter what. Still, at least I have the incentive of the appointment to get me back on track, I have not come this far just to pile the weight back on even before I have started treatment.


OK, enough of the moaning, below is a list of things that I need to do or organise this month in preparation for next:

1. Lose as much weight as possible! I'm on with this as of today.

2. Get my hair coloured. Just in case...

3. Look into acupuncture. Hopefully this will help.

4. Stop drinking. I'm on with this as of today, or as of 9pm last night when I finished my last glass of wine. This is going to be one of the hardest things to give up.

5. Start exercising. We've been going on lots of walks but I need to start doing some other form of activity not only to make me feel better but to accelerate the weight loss.

6. Folic Acid. I have been taking this (on and off) for over three years now but will make sure that I take it every day without fail from now on!

7. Ensure that downstairs is presentable (don't want to give the doctor unnecessary work!) Need to get the scissors out and book the waxing session.


So that is my list of things (so far) that I need to do in preparation for IVF. If any body has any tips or advice please feel free to leave them in the comments.

The husband is off to the clinic on Wednesday to provide a sample. To say he is not looking forward to it is an understatement but, then again, I'm not sure that I would look forward to a session with my right hand in a room in a hospital!


Oh, and before I forget, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

IVF #1

5 April 2010: Start down-regulation (injecting 0.5ml of Suprecur (buserelin)).
Waiting for next period.

22 April: Down-regulation scan day. Lining borderline (6mm) waiting for blood results to confirm that I can start gonadotrophins (Menopur).

22 April: Start Menopur (2 ampules).

26 April: 1st stim scan shows four follicles on right ovary and three on left. Instructed to increase Menopur (from 2 to 4 ampules).

29 April: 2nd stim scan. Need to continue with the 4 ampules of Menopur. Give up worrying about the number of follicles.

3 May: 3rd stim scan. Things are starting to look better. Talk of egg collection on Friday 7 May.

5 May: 4th stim scan. Egg collection on Friday as planned.

7 May: 10 eggs are collected. The husband's sperm is looking good so we decide to do IVF rather than ICSI.

8 May: Embryologist phones to tell us that 8 out of the 10 have fertilised.

10 May: We have 7 on track and one slightly behind. Embryo transfer is scheduled for 12 May.

12 May: We have 1 grade A blastocyct put back and two further grade A's to freeze.

Official test date: 26/05/10