I feel like I am failing this IVF

Today I feel emotionally exhausted. My excitement and anticipation has dwindled to non-existent. I am sick of injecting. I am sick of trying to be hopeful and I am sick of not responding better to the drugs. I just feel like I am heading for a great big disappointment.

I'm on day 8 of stims. My scan today registered a couple more follicles but they were noted as tiny, the follicles that were visible on the last scan have got bigger. I'm concerned with my lining as I have read somewhere that it needs to be between 8-10 mm but it is still measuring under 6mm. I've also read that stimming takes, on average, 12 days so I really hope that things improve over the next four days.

I go back on Monday for another stim scan.

Second scan

My scan on Monday was OK. It showed 4 follicles on my right ovary, 3 on my left and one cyst which, I have been told, is nothing to worry about.

After my appointment I was instructed to double the dose of Menopur from two to four ampules. Thankfully the husband has shown a surprisingly good ability to mix the solution and powder so he is now in charge of that.

I haven't really got anything else to report. This IVF cycle just seems to be happening. I have been fairly lucky as I haven't experienced any major side effects. My main complaint, headaches. Other than that I can, so far, report that my mood, in general, has been normal, I'm no more tired than usual (although the 5am starts on scan days are a little tough) and my emotions have been behaving, there have been no tears, not yet anyway.

I'm back at the hospital tomorrow.

So far so good

Yesterday I was back at the hospital for a down-regulaton scan and blood test. Thankfully, I received a call in the afternoon to tell me that I had the go ahead to start on the next course of drugs.

The drug for stimming requires a little more work than the drug for down-regulation:

1. You take a syringe and a very long needle,
2. You break a small bottle which contains a water-based solution,
3. You draw the water into the syringe,
4. Place the needle into the first ampule and release the water,
5. Mix the solution,
6. Draw the liquid back into the syringe and then, with the second ampule, repeat steps 4-6,
7. Once both ampules are mixed you draw the solution back into the syringe, trying not to get huge air bubbles,
8. Change the big needle for a much smaller needle,
9. Measure the dosage to 1ml,
10. And inject!

I just knew that it was going to be stressful. My main problem was that there didn't appear to be enough of the water-based solution. For some reason I thought that mixing it with the two ampules might miraculously increase the volume but, unsurprisingly it didn't. I was about to open another bottle of the solution when I realised that the lid of the original bottle contained quite a lot of liquid so I just sucked this up and, after a couple of goes, managed to get rid of the huge air bubbles and have 1ml. In the time that it took me to do this we had had two phone calls. The husband was still on the phone so I decided to inject myself. I was amazed at how easy it was, it didn't hurt at all.

I'm back at the hospital on Monday to see how I am responding. I've been told by various people that once you get to this stage time just flies by, I really hope that is the case because I am already fed up with the morning injections.


I'm starting to get a little excited although I am trying to control it. Positive thoughts occasionally enter my head but I really don't want to build myself up to being so positive that, when it comes to it, I am completely shattered when if it doesn't work.

Happy 101

I've been given the Happy Blog Award by One Who Understands, thanks!

The rules: List 10 things that make your day & then give this award to 10 bloggers.

1. Waking up to a cup of tea every morning,


2. The 15 minutes that we (the husband, cat and me) spend in bed each morning before having to get up and on with the day,


3. Living in the middle of nowhere,


4. Receiving unexpected mail/emails from friends,


5. The sun shining,


6. Feeling like I have achieved something at work,


7. Being greeted by an excited cat when I get in from work,


8. Watching my favourite programme on television,


9. Sticking to my diet,


10. My husband telling me that he loves me.

I would like to pass this award on to the following (not quite 10) but don't feel like you have to do it if you would rather not:

1. Missy at Scarlet Baby
2. Jenn at Happily Ever After
3. May at Nuts in May
4. Carolyne at No Different from any other
5. Rambler at My World My Ramblings
6. Lis at Built in birth control
7. Liz at Womb for improvement (although I know that you have taken a break but I really didn't want to miss you off as you are my faithful follower and it wouldn't be right to exclude you - I'm missing you by the way)
   

A long week

It has been just over a week since I started the injections. It feels a lot longer. It is amazing how quickly you fall into a routine, how something that you have been dreading suddenly feels like the norm. So far I haven't had any side effects, I also haven't had my period. I'd read that this can happen so it is no real surprise however, I am surprised at how quickly I have started to have thoughts of a possible pregnancy. A delayed period, surely I couldn't be pregnant, after all this time. Unlikely but not impossible. Even the doctor told us to keep trying this month, that some people do conceive naturally just before starting IVF. Could we be one of the lucky ones? I've even been thinking about POAS. I can't even remember the last time I POAS.

Of course I haven't gone as far as POAS and I am sure that my period will arrive before I get round to doing it but, in a weird way it has felt quite good to feel such hope, to remember what ttc felt like at the start. In looking back at what it was like in the beginning it has also made me revisit the sadness, despair and depression that I went through. It is only now that I realise just how low I got. Infertility has definitely changed me, I view life differently now. I worry far more about death, I find it hard to connect with my friends who have families and it still feels like we have a large hole in our lives but, I have learned to appreciate life a lot more.

I have come so far through this experience and if nothing else, this week has taught me that whatever happens over the next few weeks, there is no way I want to go back to being that sad, depressed person.

The anticipation was far worse

On Sunday night we set the alarm clock for 6am. Monday would be the start of the injections and, as we wanted to fit them into our morning routine, it meant waking at a ridiculous hour on a Bank Holiday. Not that I was complaining, I was keen to finally get started. Sunday night was restless.

When the alarm went off we both went back to sleep. I was exhausted after my restless night and the husband was sleeping off a hangover. When I woke up 20 minutes later I woke the husband and told him that we needed to get on with it. His response, get on with what?

He went downstairs to make the tea whilst I made up the injection. I was sat in bed waiting for him to return and I suddenly felt very sick and nervous. I jumped out of bed, run down the stairs, flung myself on the chair, handed him the syringe and told him to get on with it.

I couldn't look.

I felt it go in.

It stung.

Before I knew, it was over.

That was it.

We had started.

Now what?

We went back to bed with our tea and eventually fell back to sleep.

Needless to say, it was all a bit of an anticlimax.