It was my 34th birthday last Monday.
I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that I am now 34, after all it is just a number. I'm obviously very conscious that I am crawling closer to the dreaded 35 but, as my husband keeps telling me lots of women are having babies in their 40s now. Now, I'm not very receptive to this. It has nothing to do with the women who are in their 40s having babies, it is the fact that I don't want to be having babies when I am in my 40s. I want them now. Correction, I wanted them three years ago but I know that you have to wait for really special things. So I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting.....
Just a quick mention of my hospital appointment next week. The appointment that I have had to wait six months for. I'm dreading it! This is the appointment where the consultant tells us that we will need assisted conception and then he will probably go on to say that the NHS has no funding for said assistance. I'm hoping that in thinking the worst I will be pleasantly surprised. Please, please, please let it be positive.
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Thursday, 21 May 2009
It's getting boring now
This morning I decided to have a quick look at shove it in your F.acebook to see what wonderful things are happening in people I have encountered friends lives. I was innocently munching on my porridge, minding my own business when I came across the following update:
Super fertile (obviously I have changed her name to protect her identity) is relieved that the 12 week scan went well this morning... baby no.2 is well on the way!!!
BABY NO.2! She has only just popped out BABY NO.1! Well, 8 months ago. Why the rush? Does she think she is getting old so needs to get on with it? I was so tempted to respond with something along those lines but decided against it. After all, I don't want to come across as a bitter and twisted infertile, that would never do. But it was VERY tempting.
The last correspondence we had went along the following lines:
HER: Any news on a family yet? (I told her that we had been trying to conceive for a year when I met up with her just before her wedding).
ME: No, it's looking like assisted conception.
HER: Have you thought of adopting? There are loads of children out there who would love to have you as their mum.
ME: I didn't respond to the adoption comment because I really didn't trust myself but I did think along the following - Oh really, pray tell me where I can find all these children? Are they just roaming the streets? Can I pick? Will they still be warm from the womb?! I know, I'm getting a bit creepy now. I won't go on, you get the gist.
My only comforting thought is that if friends are popping them out left, right and centre, there may come a time (hopefully soon) when these pregnancy announcements stop.
Super fertile (obviously I have changed her name to protect her identity) is relieved that the 12 week scan went well this morning... baby no.2 is well on the way!!!
BABY NO.2! She has only just popped out BABY NO.1! Well, 8 months ago. Why the rush? Does she think she is getting old so needs to get on with it? I was so tempted to respond with something along those lines but decided against it. After all, I don't want to come across as a bitter and twisted infertile, that would never do. But it was VERY tempting.
The last correspondence we had went along the following lines:
HER: Any news on a family yet? (I told her that we had been trying to conceive for a year when I met up with her just before her wedding).
ME: No, it's looking like assisted conception.
HER: Have you thought of adopting? There are loads of children out there who would love to have you as their mum.
ME: I didn't respond to the adoption comment because I really didn't trust myself but I did think along the following - Oh really, pray tell me where I can find all these children? Are they just roaming the streets? Can I pick? Will they still be warm from the womb?! I know, I'm getting a bit creepy now. I won't go on, you get the gist.
My only comforting thought is that if friends are popping them out left, right and centre, there may come a time (hopefully soon) when these pregnancy announcements stop.
Monday, 18 May 2009
It's good to talk
OK, so it would seem that I finally lost the plot last week. After writing my last post things did go from bad to worse, resulting in a total meltdown on Sunday morning. Mr D and I talked for four hours about everything. I learned a number of things from our talk:
1. I take everything the husband says literally.
2. The husband doesn't mean for everything that he says to be taken literally.
3. I need to talk more. I hold on to my thoughts and fears until I am about ready to explode.
4. TTC is just as hard for the husband.
5. The husband hasn't totally closed the door to assisted conception.
We are going to wait and see what the consultant says at our appointment in June before considering the next stage of our ttc journey. I really did feel like shit yesterday, four hours of on/off crying and releasing emotional baggage is exhausting. Today, I feel so much happier. In fact I think I could go as far to say that I feel the happiest I have felt in a long time. It really is amazing what talking to the husband can do.
1. I take everything the husband says literally.
2. The husband doesn't mean for everything that he says to be taken literally.
3. I need to talk more. I hold on to my thoughts and fears until I am about ready to explode.
4. TTC is just as hard for the husband.
5. The husband hasn't totally closed the door to assisted conception.
We are going to wait and see what the consultant says at our appointment in June before considering the next stage of our ttc journey. I really did feel like shit yesterday, four hours of on/off crying and releasing emotional baggage is exhausting. Today, I feel so much happier. In fact I think I could go as far to say that I feel the happiest I have felt in a long time. It really is amazing what talking to the husband can do.
Wednesday, 13 May 2009
My name is Fucking Idiot
In March I went to visit three university friends. Two of the friends were 8 months pregnant with their second child and one of them, my very best friend, the one that I lived with for over five years, was trying for her second baby. Over the weekend she talked to me a lot about her frustration and how difficult the whole ttc process is when it doesn't happen straight away (they conceived their first child before they were ever really trying). She said that she finally understood how I must be feeling and that she really felt for me and wished that I would be the next to conceive. When I asked her how long they had been trying she said that it would be a year in May.
Yep, she really was comparing her 11 months, although it was actually 10 months because she said that they took a month off, to me and the length of time I have been trying to conceive. I let it go because, after all, I know that it is difficult no matter how long you have been trying.
Yesterday, I received an email from her informing me that she is 14 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant the weekend I saw her, yes, it was very early and probably very unlikely that she knew but this news has made me feel very angry and, quite frankly, like a bit of a fucking idiot. Me, [the fucking idiot] listened to her heartache about how not conceiving was putting a strain on their relationship, that she was struggling to cope every month and that she was so fed up that she had stopped popping folic acid. Me, [the fucking idiot] gave her sympathy and encouragement and told her to start taking folic acid again.
If you haven't guessed, the email (read at work yesterday) left me devastated. I fought back tears all day and then, in the car journey on the way home, it all came flooding out. I feel so sad and angry. I'm sad because I really am beginning to feel like this isn't meant for us. And the anger, the anger is beginning to scare me. I'm not angry with her (I know that people need to get on with their lives and really, it isn't anybodies fault that we can't conceive), I'm angry that there are so many people who manage to conceive without any problems and I'm angry that there are so many people who do struggle to conceive. I'm also angry that Mr D can't accept that this is happening and that a natural pregnancy is very unlikely after three years of ttc. I'm angry that he doesn't want to do everything possible to make it happen for us. And I'm angry that I am THE friend that everybody has to tread carefully around when they have a pregnancy announcement.
Her email was so carefully worded. She said all the right things, she is still there for me if I ever need to talk or rant. That she hopes that it will happen for us soon and that she hopes that I didn't read the email at work. At the moment I don't have the stomach to respond. I know that she will be worried if she doesn't hear from me and I feel bad for that but I just don't trust myself. My anger is just so strong at the moment. I think the announcement is probably just bad timing. My 34th birthday is pending. My husband has said that he doesn't want to do assisted conception. Two friends have only recently given birth and me, I'm in exactly the same place that I was two years ago, only more angry, bitter, sad and alone. It really is the loneliness of all this that gets me the most. I even feel like I can't talk to Mr D at the moment.
Yep, she really was comparing her 11 months, although it was actually 10 months because she said that they took a month off, to me and the length of time I have been trying to conceive. I let it go because, after all, I know that it is difficult no matter how long you have been trying.
Yesterday, I received an email from her informing me that she is 14 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant the weekend I saw her, yes, it was very early and probably very unlikely that she knew but this news has made me feel very angry and, quite frankly, like a bit of a fucking idiot. Me, [the fucking idiot] listened to her heartache about how not conceiving was putting a strain on their relationship, that she was struggling to cope every month and that she was so fed up that she had stopped popping folic acid. Me, [the fucking idiot] gave her sympathy and encouragement and told her to start taking folic acid again.
If you haven't guessed, the email (read at work yesterday) left me devastated. I fought back tears all day and then, in the car journey on the way home, it all came flooding out. I feel so sad and angry. I'm sad because I really am beginning to feel like this isn't meant for us. And the anger, the anger is beginning to scare me. I'm not angry with her (I know that people need to get on with their lives and really, it isn't anybodies fault that we can't conceive), I'm angry that there are so many people who manage to conceive without any problems and I'm angry that there are so many people who do struggle to conceive. I'm also angry that Mr D can't accept that this is happening and that a natural pregnancy is very unlikely after three years of ttc. I'm angry that he doesn't want to do everything possible to make it happen for us. And I'm angry that I am THE friend that everybody has to tread carefully around when they have a pregnancy announcement.
Her email was so carefully worded. She said all the right things, she is still there for me if I ever need to talk or rant. That she hopes that it will happen for us soon and that she hopes that I didn't read the email at work. At the moment I don't have the stomach to respond. I know that she will be worried if she doesn't hear from me and I feel bad for that but I just don't trust myself. My anger is just so strong at the moment. I think the announcement is probably just bad timing. My 34th birthday is pending. My husband has said that he doesn't want to do assisted conception. Two friends have only recently given birth and me, I'm in exactly the same place that I was two years ago, only more angry, bitter, sad and alone. It really is the loneliness of all this that gets me the most. I even feel like I can't talk to Mr D at the moment.
Sunday, 10 May 2009
There's more....
Mr D and I have just had a week of work together. I was still reeling from the whole poor morphology thing and, as a result, we ended up having a talk. You know the kind of talk, the one where I say everything that has been on my mind for a while. The husband starts to say what is on his mind and then we discover that we are at totally different places. We don't agree and things start to look a whole lot worse than they did before you had the talk.
I have a husband who needs convincing. He isn't one to think too deeply about things. He doesn't worry about things and he definitely isn't one for reading about things. When we were told the morphology numbers I asked the consultant if this could be the reason why we are not conceiving. I felt like shit asking the question but I had done my research and knew that there was a problem. The consultant said that it could be but that they would have to do other tests on me to be sure. I never told the husband about my concerns over the morphology, until recently. He feels like a failure, that he can't give me the one thing that I want. I keep trying to reassure him that we are in this together and that it doesn't matter whether it is him, me or both of us. I know that he will get over it and that we will move on but during our talk last week he said that he didn't want to do IVF.
I've known his views on assisted conception for a while. I was hoping that they were changing and deep down I am sure that they will change. I know that it is just a reaction to how he is feeling at the moment and, at the time of our talk, I was very upset and stressed. Now, I'm not so bad. I'm finding that I have other things to stress and worry about but I just needed to get it down in a post. I do feel slightly pissed off that nothing is plain sailing. That there is always some sort of obstacle, battle to be won but deep down I know that Mr D wants a family as much as me. I'm hoping that he just needs time (and to hear it from the horses mouth). So, there will be no more talk on IF until our hospital appointment in June.
I have a husband who needs convincing. He isn't one to think too deeply about things. He doesn't worry about things and he definitely isn't one for reading about things. When we were told the morphology numbers I asked the consultant if this could be the reason why we are not conceiving. I felt like shit asking the question but I had done my research and knew that there was a problem. The consultant said that it could be but that they would have to do other tests on me to be sure. I never told the husband about my concerns over the morphology, until recently. He feels like a failure, that he can't give me the one thing that I want. I keep trying to reassure him that we are in this together and that it doesn't matter whether it is him, me or both of us. I know that he will get over it and that we will move on but during our talk last week he said that he didn't want to do IVF.
I've known his views on assisted conception for a while. I was hoping that they were changing and deep down I am sure that they will change. I know that it is just a reaction to how he is feeling at the moment and, at the time of our talk, I was very upset and stressed. Now, I'm not so bad. I'm finding that I have other things to stress and worry about but I just needed to get it down in a post. I do feel slightly pissed off that nothing is plain sailing. That there is always some sort of obstacle, battle to be won but deep down I know that Mr D wants a family as much as me. I'm hoping that he just needs time (and to hear it from the horses mouth). So, there will be no more talk on IF until our hospital appointment in June.
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