I'm back from a two week break abroad.
Although the holiday was needed, appreciated and enjoyed it gave me lots of time to think. In fact, it gave me too much time. I spent a lot of time thinking about not being pregnant, not being able to get pregnant, whether my friend (who was due with her second child whilst we were away) was in labour, my friend's news that she had had a baby boy, how our holiday would be if we had a child with us, not hearing from the PCT, convincing myself that there would be a letter waiting for us from the PCT on our return and how much I just want to get on and start IVF. So, the holiday was a relaxing break from work, life, commitments but it was not a break from infertility.
Owing to the over thinking on the infertility side I have come back to England exhausted by the whole ttc process. To top it off, it is cold, wet and windy in England and, as expected, we didn't have that elusive letter waiting for us.
So we continue to wait and I am being a total chicken about phoning the doctors again. I can't believe how many times I have called to chase this. The last phone call I had with the doctors was just before we went away. I was so distracted by the attitude that was coming through the practice managers tone of voice that I can't remember how we left it. Was I meant to call when I got back off holiday? No, I think she was meant to call if she had any news. No phonecall, no news? I know I should call them but every day I think today is the day that the letter will arrive.
It is driving me insane.
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Showing posts with label infertility. Show all posts
Thursday, 19 November 2009
Thursday, 28 May 2009
Another year older
It was my 34th birthday last Monday.
I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that I am now 34, after all it is just a number. I'm obviously very conscious that I am crawling closer to the dreaded 35 but, as my husband keeps telling me lots of women are having babies in their 40s now. Now, I'm not very receptive to this. It has nothing to do with the women who are in their 40s having babies, it is the fact that I don't want to be having babies when I am in my 40s. I want them now. Correction, I wanted them three years ago but I know that you have to wait for really special things. So I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting.....
Just a quick mention of my hospital appointment next week. The appointment that I have had to wait six months for. I'm dreading it! This is the appointment where the consultant tells us that we will need assisted conception and then he will probably go on to say that the NHS has no funding for said assistance. I'm hoping that in thinking the worst I will be pleasantly surprised. Please, please, please let it be positive.
I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that I am now 34, after all it is just a number. I'm obviously very conscious that I am crawling closer to the dreaded 35 but, as my husband keeps telling me lots of women are having babies in their 40s now. Now, I'm not very receptive to this. It has nothing to do with the women who are in their 40s having babies, it is the fact that I don't want to be having babies when I am in my 40s. I want them now. Correction, I wanted them three years ago but I know that you have to wait for really special things. So I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting.....
Just a quick mention of my hospital appointment next week. The appointment that I have had to wait six months for. I'm dreading it! This is the appointment where the consultant tells us that we will need assisted conception and then he will probably go on to say that the NHS has no funding for said assistance. I'm hoping that in thinking the worst I will be pleasantly surprised. Please, please, please let it be positive.
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
2008
I have been trying hard not to think about what didn't happen for us in 2008, or to even think ahead and to start hoping what could happen for us in 2009 but it is difficult, so what the hell.
In 2008 we hoped to achieve two things, those two things were to sell our house and start a family. We weren't successful with either and, in the end, both made 2008 quite a depressing year. I really don't want to be singing from the same hymn sheet in 2009 as, to be honest with you, even I am getting bored with them.
In terms of IF, 2008 has been fairly productive. In January I started going for blood tests and since those blood tests I have had a HSG and a laparoscopy. Fast forward to January 2009 and we are in a different place, we've definitely travelled a few steps up the ladder but there is still a long way to go until we reach the top. Our next appointment is in June, I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that in May 2009 we will have been ttc for three years.
Now the house. Our house is still on the market (yes, we've decided to leave it on even with the credit crunch because we are that miserable living there) but, unsurprisingly we have had no interest for quite a few months. The value of our property is dropping fast so selling it will soon no longer be an option. March 2009 will mark the two year anniversary of us trying to sell our house.
Both of the above are out of our control and that is probably the most frustrating thing of all. We can't force anybody to buy our house and we really can't do any more than what we already are doing when it comes to ttc.
Now, this is where we enter a bit of a dilemma. We don't know what to do for the best. We are in the fortunate position to be able to move without selling our house. My husband can have a house as part of his job and, at this moment in time, we are very tempted to take it and rent our house out. The only thing is that I don't like the idea of somebody else living in the house that we have spent time and money on. The house that we could have is bigger than ours and is in a fantastic location but there are no creature comforts. The kitchen and bathroom are basic and there is no en suite but, there is an open fire, it would save us a bit of money and it would give us a change that we so desperately need.
Are we mad for not jumping at the chance? I often think so but then when I really think about moving back into tied accommodation I get a pang of sadness. I don't like where our house is situated and I don't like the fact that there are a few jobs still to do around the house but, I do love the house and over the years D and I have made it our home.
In 2008 we hoped to achieve two things, those two things were to sell our house and start a family. We weren't successful with either and, in the end, both made 2008 quite a depressing year. I really don't want to be singing from the same hymn sheet in 2009 as, to be honest with you, even I am getting bored with them.
In terms of IF, 2008 has been fairly productive. In January I started going for blood tests and since those blood tests I have had a HSG and a laparoscopy. Fast forward to January 2009 and we are in a different place, we've definitely travelled a few steps up the ladder but there is still a long way to go until we reach the top. Our next appointment is in June, I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that in May 2009 we will have been ttc for three years.
Now the house. Our house is still on the market (yes, we've decided to leave it on even with the credit crunch because we are that miserable living there) but, unsurprisingly we have had no interest for quite a few months. The value of our property is dropping fast so selling it will soon no longer be an option. March 2009 will mark the two year anniversary of us trying to sell our house.
Both of the above are out of our control and that is probably the most frustrating thing of all. We can't force anybody to buy our house and we really can't do any more than what we already are doing when it comes to ttc.
Now, this is where we enter a bit of a dilemma. We don't know what to do for the best. We are in the fortunate position to be able to move without selling our house. My husband can have a house as part of his job and, at this moment in time, we are very tempted to take it and rent our house out. The only thing is that I don't like the idea of somebody else living in the house that we have spent time and money on. The house that we could have is bigger than ours and is in a fantastic location but there are no creature comforts. The kitchen and bathroom are basic and there is no en suite but, there is an open fire, it would save us a bit of money and it would give us a change that we so desperately need.
Are we mad for not jumping at the chance? I often think so but then when I really think about moving back into tied accommodation I get a pang of sadness. I don't like where our house is situated and I don't like the fact that there are a few jobs still to do around the house but, I do love the house and over the years D and I have made it our home.
Friday, 19 December 2008
Just adopt
Yesterday I had a meeting with a work colleague. This male colleague has been through the whole IVF process due to male factor. They had three IVF attempts of which one was successful, their son is now 5 1/2 years old.
After the meeting we got talking and the subject inevitably went to family and children. They have recently been accepted by the adoption panel and are now awaiting a match with a child. I started to tell him a bit more than I should have about where we are at the moment and where we are heading. I wasn't overly comfortable with sharing this information with him however, I wanted to get some information out of him as he lives in the same county as us and they were lucky enough to get two IVF attempts on the NHS. He gave me some good advice on where to go, if and when, we have to choose a clinic.
I told him that I had just had a procedure which we were hoping was going to improve our chances of conceiving naturally but, if not, we would be referred for assisted conception. That was when he gave the helpful advice. I then said that I wasn't sure whether we would get two attempts at IVF on the NHS but that we would definitely have two attempts and then we would walk away. His response was that if it didn't work then we could just adopt. He said that. Somebody who has been through this IF crap, who has been through IVF and has had to contend with it not working. I couldn't believe that this person had just said those words to me like it was OK that we may not be able to conceive our own child. I responded by telling him that adoption is not something that appeals to me, at this stage, but that it may be something that we would consider once we had been through the assisted conception stage. He said that we should consider adopting because there is nothing more rewarding, enjoyable and fun then having a little person in your life! Arsehole!
After the meeting we got talking and the subject inevitably went to family and children. They have recently been accepted by the adoption panel and are now awaiting a match with a child. I started to tell him a bit more than I should have about where we are at the moment and where we are heading. I wasn't overly comfortable with sharing this information with him however, I wanted to get some information out of him as he lives in the same county as us and they were lucky enough to get two IVF attempts on the NHS. He gave me some good advice on where to go, if and when, we have to choose a clinic.
I told him that I had just had a procedure which we were hoping was going to improve our chances of conceiving naturally but, if not, we would be referred for assisted conception. That was when he gave the helpful advice. I then said that I wasn't sure whether we would get two attempts at IVF on the NHS but that we would definitely have two attempts and then we would walk away. His response was that if it didn't work then we could just adopt. He said that. Somebody who has been through this IF crap, who has been through IVF and has had to contend with it not working. I couldn't believe that this person had just said those words to me like it was OK that we may not be able to conceive our own child. I responded by telling him that adoption is not something that appeals to me, at this stage, but that it may be something that we would consider once we had been through the assisted conception stage. He said that we should consider adopting because there is nothing more rewarding, enjoyable and fun then having a little person in your life! Arsehole!
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