What a shit night! My mood went downhill rapidly and, although I have recovered a bit today, I am not feeling great.
It started with my weekly visit to WW. I didn't lose any weight, which I know is better than putting on weight but is still very disappointing. I wanted to be in the next stone bracket before the end of July and I only had one pound to lose to achieve that but obviously it wasn't meant to be.
So, I'm in the car heading back to my mums. This is where it gets worse for me but won't mean a great deal to anybody else. It is also quite complicated!
My M & D live in a lovely part of our village and D and I have been desperate to move into this part of the village for 2 years now. Whenever we visit my M & D we get depressed because it just reminds us of how shit our area is, plus we have to go past a house that we were days away from buying before our buyers' buyer pulled out (constant reminder).
As a result of our desire to move to a better area D and I have viewed lots of houses in that area. There was one particular house that had everything that we wanted: hallway, utility, conservatory, south facing garden and within our price range. We viewed it and instantly fell in love with it. The couple who live in this house were lovely, they were buying the house next door (because it was 4 bedrooms and they wanted the extra room). This couple had one son who was about 1 and a half at the time of the viewing.
We were so keen on this house that we dropped the price of ours in an attempt to get a buyer. They were desperate to sell theirs because they had already put an offer in on the house next door and were going to have two mortgages going at once. In the end they pulled out of their sale with the four bedroom house and took their house off the market. When we got a buyer for ours I was so tempted to put a note through their door to see whether they would consider selling but in the end we went for one around the corner (the one we were days away from buying).
So that's the history, back to last night. We were travelling back to my mums and I see the couple walking. She is pushing a bike that the little boy is riding and he, well he is pushing a buggy, and it wasn't just any buggy, it was a double! Without thinking I blurting out, "I don't fucking believe it, they have twins now. Not only are they living in our ideal house they have two new babies, why the fuck can't D and I have anything that we want and every other fucker manages to have everything and more". My mum was speechless to say the least! And to add insult to injury, not only was it twins but it was one of each, a boy and a girl.
Now I know that it isn't natural to react in this way but I have my period and sometimes things just make me flip. I went to my mums, had a glass of wine, hijacked the bottle and drunk the rest of it at home. When D came home I just burst in to tears telling him. I was a state, I was feeling really sorry for myself and felt so low. Went to bed slightly happier because D and I had a good chat. Woke up at 3am with period pains from hell (yet another reminder) and a hangover!
I am so sick of this, I can think about other things, focus on positives and refuse to let this whole thing get to me but, at the end of the day, it is always going to be there, lurking, waiting for a situation like the one yesterday.
Thursday, 31 July 2008
Wednesday, 30 July 2008
Wednesday weigh in
I have been back at WW for 14 weeks now and in those 14 weeks I have lost 17lbs. Not a fantastic weight loss but a good steady weight loss that I am really pleased with.
I am starting to feel like myself again. I definitely have more energy and it has kept my mind focused on something other than ttc.
I am starting to feel like myself again. I definitely have more energy and it has kept my mind focused on something other than ttc.
Tuesday, 29 July 2008
Panic
Feeling a bit panicky today as I have let thoughts of 'this may never happen for us' in to my head. Most of the time I am OK but occasionally I'll just let myself think about this never happening for us. I really don't think that I could adopt so the only option we would have is to live childless. My age also makes me panic, I'm 33 and I just get plain scared when I think about how long this could take on the NHS. Why did this have to be so difficult when so many others manage it so easily?
D did his second SA test today, I am so glad that he has got it out of the way. It has been hanging over our heads for three months and now we can move on. D stalled doing both of the SA tests and I think the main reason for this was because he was hoping I would get pregnant which in turn would mean that he wouldn't have to do it! Men!
D did his second SA test today, I am so glad that he has got it out of the way. It has been hanging over our heads for three months and now we can move on. D stalled doing both of the SA tests and I think the main reason for this was because he was hoping I would get pregnant which in turn would mean that he wouldn't have to do it! Men!
Monday, 28 July 2008
Good weekend
I had quite a good weekend, spent Saturday pottering (waiting for a delivery) and then Sunday was spent in the garden, putting a new fence up and painting fence panels. The weather was HOT, HOT, HOT, in fact it was too hot. I managed to burn my back even though I tried to stay out of the sun. No doubt, due to good old British weather it will be freezing this week.
I have had PMT all weekend and last night also had a small amount of spotting so AF is definitely on its way. Yet another cycle goes by. Surprised? Not really. Trying hard to stay positive. D is doing his second SA tomorrow so at least things will start to move forward again. In two weeks I am going to be back on to the doctors, chasing my referral.
After reading Womb for Improvement's encounter of a HSG I am feeling slightly apprehensive about the invasive tests. My biggest worry at the moment (because I like to worry about the stuff that doesn't really warrant worry) is having to place a suppository up my back passage. I was sharing my fear with D at the weekend and when I asked him if he would place said thing up my back passage he was quite clear that he wouldn't be going there and laughed his head off when I said that I'd get my mum to do it!
I have had PMT all weekend and last night also had a small amount of spotting so AF is definitely on its way. Yet another cycle goes by. Surprised? Not really. Trying hard to stay positive. D is doing his second SA tomorrow so at least things will start to move forward again. In two weeks I am going to be back on to the doctors, chasing my referral.
After reading Womb for Improvement's encounter of a HSG I am feeling slightly apprehensive about the invasive tests. My biggest worry at the moment (because I like to worry about the stuff that doesn't really warrant worry) is having to place a suppository up my back passage. I was sharing my fear with D at the weekend and when I asked him if he would place said thing up my back passage he was quite clear that he wouldn't be going there and laughed his head off when I said that I'd get my mum to do it!
Friday, 25 July 2008
Take two
This is my second blog.
My first blog was started after I attended a conference where blogs were very high on the agenda. I didn't want to start a blog to do with my job so I thought that I would focus on something else that was important in my life. I had performed numerous searches on the Internet for ttc/if blogs and, at the time, wasn't very successful so I thought that I was entering a relatively small area. Later, I realised that there was a whole world of ttc/if bloggers out there, I just hadn't found them.
My first blog was created in June 2007 and lasted for about 8 months. During that time I vented a lot of anger (more than I vent on here), I was really struggling with ttc. The blog was open for all to read. I won't lie, at first I was quite nervous about writing about stuff that anybody could stumble across and read. I even remember blushing when my second or third post was commented on by a young lad who was amazed at what people write about in their blogs!
As my confidence grew I started to comment on the other ttc/if blogs (mostly American) and in return I received comments back. It was quite exciting to receive comments and I definitely miss not getting any on this blog. In fact, I have toiled with the idea of making it open again for all to see however, I am paranoid with a capital P and I am worried that somebody from work will stumble across it - crazy I know.
I can't remember why I deleted my first blog. I think I was having a particularly bad time of it and was just so fed up with the whole ttc/if thing that, one day, I hit the delete button. I wish I hadn't deleted it because it would be good to be able to look back and see how far I have come.
Nobody close to me knows about this blog, not even the husband. The husband knew about the first one and didn't think that it was a good idea so I have decided to keep this one as it is called. It would be good to get some readers and today I sent an invite out to a fellow ttc/if blogger (from the UK!) and I hope that she comes and visits.
My first blog was started after I attended a conference where blogs were very high on the agenda. I didn't want to start a blog to do with my job so I thought that I would focus on something else that was important in my life. I had performed numerous searches on the Internet for ttc/if blogs and, at the time, wasn't very successful so I thought that I was entering a relatively small area. Later, I realised that there was a whole world of ttc/if bloggers out there, I just hadn't found them.
My first blog was created in June 2007 and lasted for about 8 months. During that time I vented a lot of anger (more than I vent on here), I was really struggling with ttc. The blog was open for all to read. I won't lie, at first I was quite nervous about writing about stuff that anybody could stumble across and read. I even remember blushing when my second or third post was commented on by a young lad who was amazed at what people write about in their blogs!
As my confidence grew I started to comment on the other ttc/if blogs (mostly American) and in return I received comments back. It was quite exciting to receive comments and I definitely miss not getting any on this blog. In fact, I have toiled with the idea of making it open again for all to see however, I am paranoid with a capital P and I am worried that somebody from work will stumble across it - crazy I know.
I can't remember why I deleted my first blog. I think I was having a particularly bad time of it and was just so fed up with the whole ttc/if thing that, one day, I hit the delete button. I wish I hadn't deleted it because it would be good to be able to look back and see how far I have come.
Nobody close to me knows about this blog, not even the husband. The husband knew about the first one and didn't think that it was a good idea so I have decided to keep this one as it is called. It would be good to get some readers and today I sent an invite out to a fellow ttc/if blogger (from the UK!) and I hope that she comes and visits.
Thursday, 24 July 2008
17lbs lighter
I lost 1.5lbs this week. Really pleased. That means in total that I have lost 17lbs, only another 18.5lbs to go!
I am slightly worried that I have it in my head that I am going to get pregnant if I manage to get my weight back down. Why would I think along these lines? Well, the only positive pregnancy test I have had was when we had been ttc for three months and I was 7.5lbs lighter than I am now. I'm not stupid, I know that it is very unlikely that just losing weight will suddenly make me fertile but, I know that deep down that thought is always going to be at the back of my mind. I am worried that I will start to get really depressed when I get down to this weight and beyond and realise that this hasn't been the answer to our problems.
I am slightly worried that I have it in my head that I am going to get pregnant if I manage to get my weight back down. Why would I think along these lines? Well, the only positive pregnancy test I have had was when we had been ttc for three months and I was 7.5lbs lighter than I am now. I'm not stupid, I know that it is very unlikely that just losing weight will suddenly make me fertile but, I know that deep down that thought is always going to be at the back of my mind. I am worried that I will start to get really depressed when I get down to this weight and beyond and realise that this hasn't been the answer to our problems.
Wednesday, 23 July 2008
Tiredness, weight loss and being left behind
I am so tired at the moment. I was just starting to feel better, have a bit more energy and now I just feel like I could sleep, sleep, sleep. I hate that after lunch period at work because it really is an effort to keep my eyes open and my attention on work.
It's weigh in tonight. I have been so good this week (even though I have been extra hungry) and I was feeling quite positive about a good weight loss however, the usual doubt is now starting to kick in. Just popped to the shops at lunch and I felt so FAT. I am now convinced that I will not have lost anything tonight. I have three pounds to go to get in the next stone bracket, I can't wait. Only another 9lbs and I will be back to my pre-ttc weight. That just about sums up the last two years of my life, most people talk about getting back to the pre-pregnancy weight but I am working towards getting back to my pre-ttc weight! So, that means it has taken me two years to put on just over a stone and a half, not bad going hey! That's what you get from being miserable. I wish I was one of these people who lose weight when they are miserable!
So, will the weight ticker change for the better tomorrow? I hope so.
On another ttc note and something I touched on yesterday, I currently check in on 16 IF blogs, out of that 16, 4 have had a baby after a battle with ttc and/or pregnancy, 8 are pregnant and 4 are still on the IF roller coaster. I'm really struggling with these statistics and was actually looking at some others to replace those that have been successful. I have removed some of the successful bloggers and will probably narrow them down further once the 8 have produced a healthy baby (apart from the ones that I really enjoy reading).
Wish me luck for tonight.....
It's weigh in tonight. I have been so good this week (even though I have been extra hungry) and I was feeling quite positive about a good weight loss however, the usual doubt is now starting to kick in. Just popped to the shops at lunch and I felt so FAT. I am now convinced that I will not have lost anything tonight. I have three pounds to go to get in the next stone bracket, I can't wait. Only another 9lbs and I will be back to my pre-ttc weight. That just about sums up the last two years of my life, most people talk about getting back to the pre-pregnancy weight but I am working towards getting back to my pre-ttc weight! So, that means it has taken me two years to put on just over a stone and a half, not bad going hey! That's what you get from being miserable. I wish I was one of these people who lose weight when they are miserable!
So, will the weight ticker change for the better tomorrow? I hope so.
On another ttc note and something I touched on yesterday, I currently check in on 16 IF blogs, out of that 16, 4 have had a baby after a battle with ttc and/or pregnancy, 8 are pregnant and 4 are still on the IF roller coaster. I'm really struggling with these statistics and was actually looking at some others to replace those that have been successful. I have removed some of the successful bloggers and will probably narrow them down further once the 8 have produced a healthy baby (apart from the ones that I really enjoy reading).
Wish me luck for tonight.....
Tuesday, 22 July 2008
Me next
I have a list of IF bloggers that I check in on a regular basis. Over recent weeks quite a lot of these IF blogs have turned into pregnancy blogs. I am really happy for these people but I can't help but think "when will it be me?" Every time I hear these success stories I lose a little bit of hope that it could happen to me, it makes me think that I am going to be the one that doesn't succeed.
I'm just about coping with IF at the moment. I have moments when it is particularly hard and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish or dream that this is going to happen for us, but I am trying not to let it totally rule my life. I'm 33 and I really don't want to look back in five years time and think that I have wasted, what should be the best years of my life, on waiting for something which may never happen.
I was talking to my hairdresser the other day. My hairdresser is about to start IVF so we sit and chat about all things IF. We are in a similar situation in that we are both struggling to be able to conceive, rather than carry a pregnancy to full term. I actually admitted to her that part of me is jealous of the women that can conceive quite easily but who struggle to carry a pregnancy beyond the first trimester. I know that this is a horrible thing to say but it is so frustrating when you don't even get a chance at this thing. On two of the blogs that I read both the women have experienced two miscarriages and then have gone on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy (fingers crossed for one of them as she is 15 weeks gone at the moment). To not even achieve a positive pregnancy is so frustrating. I haven't have a positive pregnancy test for near on two years now and I am so frustrated. To get past the first hurdle would certainly give me more hope than what I have at the moment.
I'm just about coping with IF at the moment. I have moments when it is particularly hard and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish or dream that this is going to happen for us, but I am trying not to let it totally rule my life. I'm 33 and I really don't want to look back in five years time and think that I have wasted, what should be the best years of my life, on waiting for something which may never happen.
I was talking to my hairdresser the other day. My hairdresser is about to start IVF so we sit and chat about all things IF. We are in a similar situation in that we are both struggling to be able to conceive, rather than carry a pregnancy to full term. I actually admitted to her that part of me is jealous of the women that can conceive quite easily but who struggle to carry a pregnancy beyond the first trimester. I know that this is a horrible thing to say but it is so frustrating when you don't even get a chance at this thing. On two of the blogs that I read both the women have experienced two miscarriages and then have gone on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy (fingers crossed for one of them as she is 15 weeks gone at the moment). To not even achieve a positive pregnancy is so frustrating. I haven't have a positive pregnancy test for near on two years now and I am so frustrated. To get past the first hurdle would certainly give me more hope than what I have at the moment.
Friday, 18 July 2008
Another week goes by...
D tried to get an appointment at the clinic for next Tuesday but he was told that it would have to be the week after because they are fully booked. Looks like there is rush on Semen deposits! It doesn't suprise me because quite frankly when have we NOT had to wait?! I think "wait" should be my new middle name, seriously, I hate the word and all that it stands for.
That means he will submit his little swimmers on 29 July, give two weeks for the results (12 August) and then I am going to get back onto the doctors about our referral. So all in all we would have waited 4 months just to be referred - GREAT! Because, didn't you know, I have all the time in the world.
Still not monitoring O but I obviously have an idea of when it is. Really don't want to do the big "could I be" this month, getting sick of it to be honest with you. I have had so many let downs that I really can't face anymore. I wish there was a pill to stop you having period/pregnancy thoughts for a few cycles.
The good news is that my BMI is down and I am starting to feel good about myself again. In fact, I'm viewing the weight loss as a release from the ttc time when I put it all on. Looking forward to getting down to my pre-ttc weight (only 9lbs to go). I can't believe that I only have 9lbs to go until my pre-ttc weight, that is so good.
This weekend D and I are going to concentrate on the garden (weather permitting). I'm really looking forward to it because it allows you to forget about the everyday shit and seeing an improvement at the end of the day boosts you even more.
That means he will submit his little swimmers on 29 July, give two weeks for the results (12 August) and then I am going to get back onto the doctors about our referral. So all in all we would have waited 4 months just to be referred - GREAT! Because, didn't you know, I have all the time in the world.
Still not monitoring O but I obviously have an idea of when it is. Really don't want to do the big "could I be" this month, getting sick of it to be honest with you. I have had so many let downs that I really can't face anymore. I wish there was a pill to stop you having period/pregnancy thoughts for a few cycles.
The good news is that my BMI is down and I am starting to feel good about myself again. In fact, I'm viewing the weight loss as a release from the ttc time when I put it all on. Looking forward to getting down to my pre-ttc weight (only 9lbs to go). I can't believe that I only have 9lbs to go until my pre-ttc weight, that is so good.
This weekend D and I are going to concentrate on the garden (weather permitting). I'm really looking forward to it because it allows you to forget about the everyday shit and seeing an improvement at the end of the day boosts you even more.
Thursday, 17 July 2008
Feeling better
My cold is finally on its way out.
At WW last night I lost another 1.5lbs which I was really pleased with as I haven't been sticking to it as rigidly as I have in the past.
Nothing much is happening in the world of ttc. I am still waiting for a letter from the doctor about my referral and I am pestering D to book his second SA for next Tuesday. Trying not to think about it really as it just winds me up. My yearning for a baby is so strong some times that I think it is going to take over.
Busy, busy, busy at work so trying hard not to look at IF blogs all the time or do shopping on the Internet. Spent way too much money recently so I am going to have to curb that. D is thinking about applying for another job, locally, so there wouldn't be too much of an upheaval if he got it. Me, I'm thinking about retaking my GCSE maths with a view to eventually doing teaching training. If I'm not going to have a family I really will need to reassess my career as I am not particularly happy where I am. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but I just get so frustrated by the managers and the whole ethos of the institution in which I work. I know that sometimes it is better the devil you know but I'm not sure that I can stay here for the next ten years or so and there really are few jobs, in this area, in the field that I am qualified in.
So that's it. Nothing exciting to report, just plodding along trying not to think about trying to conceive!
At WW last night I lost another 1.5lbs which I was really pleased with as I haven't been sticking to it as rigidly as I have in the past.
Nothing much is happening in the world of ttc. I am still waiting for a letter from the doctor about my referral and I am pestering D to book his second SA for next Tuesday. Trying not to think about it really as it just winds me up. My yearning for a baby is so strong some times that I think it is going to take over.
Busy, busy, busy at work so trying hard not to look at IF blogs all the time or do shopping on the Internet. Spent way too much money recently so I am going to have to curb that. D is thinking about applying for another job, locally, so there wouldn't be too much of an upheaval if he got it. Me, I'm thinking about retaking my GCSE maths with a view to eventually doing teaching training. If I'm not going to have a family I really will need to reassess my career as I am not particularly happy where I am. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but I just get so frustrated by the managers and the whole ethos of the institution in which I work. I know that sometimes it is better the devil you know but I'm not sure that I can stay here for the next ten years or so and there really are few jobs, in this area, in the field that I am qualified in.
So that's it. Nothing exciting to report, just plodding along trying not to think about trying to conceive!
Monday, 14 July 2008
Summer cold
I have a summer cold and I blame it completely on Boy.zone. A friend and I went to see Boy.zone a week last Saturday and it absolutely chucked it down and was very cold. Since then I have felt rough and the roughness has now progressed to a full on snotty cold with a very irritating cough.
I am now waiting for my friends to start the ball rolling on the next round of babies. I know for a fact that they are trying and I am expecting an email containing exciting news any day now. My Boy.zone friend has been trying for a couple of months and she had the front to sit there and say that she took it really hard when they didn't succeed on her last cycle. Honestly, what are these people like? I said, multiple that by 26 and welcome to my world! She was talking about how they feel like they are putting their life on hold, not sure whether they will be expecting their second child and I said, trying putting your life on hold for nearly 2.5 years!
I would be so happy with just the one child. I always wanted to have two but now knowing how hard it is to get one I really would be happy if we were only to have one. I so want to feel the joy of finding out that I am pregnant, maintaining that pregnancy, experiencing child birth and the love of having produced a baby. Will I ever experience any of that? I'm now not so sure. I'm pretty sure that we are not going to achieve a successful pregnancy and birth without assistance so I guess I will just have to wait.
Wait/weight - such an annoying fucking word. I hate it. I hate waiting, I have spent all of my 30's waiting for something to happen - waiting for D to say that he wanted to start a family, waiting for a positive pregnancy test, waiting to hear that friends are expecting, waiting to hear news of new arrivals, waiting for somebody to come and buy our house, waiting for doctors appointments, waiting for blood tests, waiting for hospital appointments, waiting for the announcement of expectant mums (round 2). In addition to this I have spent my life putting on and then having to lose weight. It seems that this word, no matter what context it is in, is set to plague me. It definitely is a word that could sum up my life.
I am now waiting for my friends to start the ball rolling on the next round of babies. I know for a fact that they are trying and I am expecting an email containing exciting news any day now. My Boy.zone friend has been trying for a couple of months and she had the front to sit there and say that she took it really hard when they didn't succeed on her last cycle. Honestly, what are these people like? I said, multiple that by 26 and welcome to my world! She was talking about how they feel like they are putting their life on hold, not sure whether they will be expecting their second child and I said, trying putting your life on hold for nearly 2.5 years!
I would be so happy with just the one child. I always wanted to have two but now knowing how hard it is to get one I really would be happy if we were only to have one. I so want to feel the joy of finding out that I am pregnant, maintaining that pregnancy, experiencing child birth and the love of having produced a baby. Will I ever experience any of that? I'm now not so sure. I'm pretty sure that we are not going to achieve a successful pregnancy and birth without assistance so I guess I will just have to wait.
Wait/weight - such an annoying fucking word. I hate it. I hate waiting, I have spent all of my 30's waiting for something to happen - waiting for D to say that he wanted to start a family, waiting for a positive pregnancy test, waiting to hear that friends are expecting, waiting to hear news of new arrivals, waiting for somebody to come and buy our house, waiting for doctors appointments, waiting for blood tests, waiting for hospital appointments, waiting for the announcement of expectant mums (round 2). In addition to this I have spent my life putting on and then having to lose weight. It seems that this word, no matter what context it is in, is set to plague me. It definitely is a word that could sum up my life.
Friday, 11 July 2008
What a waste of time
I phoned the doctors on Wednesday to chase my referral - it's been three months and I haven't had a letter from them so I was beginning to wonder whether the referral had actually taken place. Didn't really want to phone and had been thinking about doing it for a couple of weeks. Wednesday was spent toying with the idea and then I started to do some research on the Internet about the referral procedure in the area I live in.
It seems that if you haven't had a letter from the hospital in 4-12 weeks of referral you should go back to your GP and ask them to chase it. After reading this I was straight on the phone. Turns out I have wasted three months because the referral never took place. Deep down I knew this would happen, that is why I had been contemplating phoning for so long.
What did they blame it on? The fact that D has yet to produce a second SA. I know for a fact that the doctor said that she would not wait for this to happen before referring us. That it was just something the hospital would expect but that it would not stop the referral going ahead in April. So now I am on at D to get the bloody sample done so that we can move on. Thing is you can only take it in on a Tuesday morning and you have to have ejaculated 7 days prior to the test but no more than 3 days before the test. We haven't had sex for a couple of weeks because I have had my period, been away and now I am ill. Tonight is the night that we have to have sex if he is going to get that test in on Tuesday. Do I fancy sex? Not really, I have the snottiest nose ever and my throat feels like it has a cheese grater attacking it.
So, it doesn't look like the test is going to take place next week. In fact, I will be amazed if it takes place next week.
Here marks the start of another 3 months of waiting.
It seems that if you haven't had a letter from the hospital in 4-12 weeks of referral you should go back to your GP and ask them to chase it. After reading this I was straight on the phone. Turns out I have wasted three months because the referral never took place. Deep down I knew this would happen, that is why I had been contemplating phoning for so long.
What did they blame it on? The fact that D has yet to produce a second SA. I know for a fact that the doctor said that she would not wait for this to happen before referring us. That it was just something the hospital would expect but that it would not stop the referral going ahead in April. So now I am on at D to get the bloody sample done so that we can move on. Thing is you can only take it in on a Tuesday morning and you have to have ejaculated 7 days prior to the test but no more than 3 days before the test. We haven't had sex for a couple of weeks because I have had my period, been away and now I am ill. Tonight is the night that we have to have sex if he is going to get that test in on Tuesday. Do I fancy sex? Not really, I have the snottiest nose ever and my throat feels like it has a cheese grater attacking it.
So, it doesn't look like the test is going to take place next week. In fact, I will be amazed if it takes place next week.
Here marks the start of another 3 months of waiting.
Thursday, 3 July 2008
Cycle 28
and still no joy.
That's 28 attempts at conceiving a baby.
Out of those 28 attempts one was successful for about a week and a half.
28
Surely it must be my turn soon.....
That's 28 attempts at conceiving a baby.
Out of those 28 attempts one was successful for about a week and a half.
28
Surely it must be my turn soon.....
Wednesday, 2 July 2008
Ramblings of a crazy woman - part 2
So I POAS last night and it was definitely negative. I suppose it did stop my mind from racing away with dreams of pregnancy and a baby. I did manage to stop myself thinking "what if" (although I cleaned the house like a crazy woman as I thought we were having people round to view it today) and I am not totally depressed - not yet anyway.
Still feel very odd.
Not sure why. Perhaps I am a bit depressed.
I am dreading WW tonight, if I don't either stay the same or lose some weight I am going to be so pissed off. This really is the wrong time for me at the moment.
I am so busy at work but I just can't concentrate on anything. My mind feels like it has been taken over by the ttc aliens who are brainwashing me so that in the end I will have nothing in my life bar ttc. Where has my life gone and how can I get it back?
Still feel very odd.
Not sure why. Perhaps I am a bit depressed.
I am dreading WW tonight, if I don't either stay the same or lose some weight I am going to be so pissed off. This really is the wrong time for me at the moment.
I am so busy at work but I just can't concentrate on anything. My mind feels like it has been taken over by the ttc aliens who are brainwashing me so that in the end I will have nothing in my life bar ttc. Where has my life gone and how can I get it back?
Tuesday, 1 July 2008
Ramblings of a crazy woman
OK, this is getting ridiculous now. I am convincing myself that I am pregnant and I know, deep down, that it is complete and utter tosh but I just can't stop myself.
I'm not officially "late" yet and I have definitely been having PMT symptoms BUT (and that is a v big but) I just feel different. I can't put my finger on it but I definitely feel different.
I know that I am going to have an almighty come down when the red spotting does start but I really cannot think any other way.
Do I go to the shop and get a pregnancy test? I have run out at home (what timing) and I'm thinking that by POAS at least I will know either way. I am in the stage when I NEED TO KNOW and if I don't find out soon I will go CRAZY.
I think I will go and get a test. You watch, I'll go and buy a test and by the time I have driven home I will have started spotting because that is the fucking shit world that I seem to be stuck in.
That is the only thing stopping me from getting a test, because I know if I do the blood will start pouring and then I will be as depressed as hell. Still, I suppose it is better to get my period now rather than at the weekend when I am away.
I'm not officially "late" yet and I have definitely been having PMT symptoms BUT (and that is a v big but) I just feel different. I can't put my finger on it but I definitely feel different.
I know that I am going to have an almighty come down when the red spotting does start but I really cannot think any other way.
Do I go to the shop and get a pregnancy test? I have run out at home (what timing) and I'm thinking that by POAS at least I will know either way. I am in the stage when I NEED TO KNOW and if I don't find out soon I will go CRAZY.
I think I will go and get a test. You watch, I'll go and buy a test and by the time I have driven home I will have started spotting because that is the fucking shit world that I seem to be stuck in.
That is the only thing stopping me from getting a test, because I know if I do the blood will start pouring and then I will be as depressed as hell. Still, I suppose it is better to get my period now rather than at the weekend when I am away.
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