Exasperated!

Honestly, I sometimes think there is someone out there really testing my patience.

When D and I were originally referred to the hospital for further tests we discovered that the referral hadn't happened and, as a result, wasted four months. Today I phoned the doctors to see whether they had heard anything about our referral to be sponsored by the PCT for further treatment. The practice manager informed me that the time frame for referrals varied depending on when the panel met to discuss said referral. She told me that I could hear anywhere from two days all the way up to six weeks. I informed her that I was aware of this but that it had actually been 12 weeks since my referral.

I'm calling her back tomorrow afternoon to find out the results of her chase. I just know that I am going to be even more pissed off than I am today. No doubt I have not been considered and I will have just missed a panel so will have to wait another six weeks. Really, do I have a black mark against my name or am I just unlucky?! I know that I should feel lucky that a PCT may consider funding us but at this moment in time I am just so fucking frustrated with the wait. This whole year has been nothing but waiting for appointments, letters, news on whether we can get help with moving forward. There has been no real progress and I am starting to get very twitchy.

An old friend

My C.learblue Fertility Monitor has been in my top draw for nearly two years now.

I’m not going to be one of the success stories associated with the monitor but, for some reason, I just can’t shake the habit. It’s strange really because I’ve managed to shake the working out when I would be due if my period didn’t come this month habit, and the it’s three days before my period so let’s just get those pregnancy tests out and test early habit but, the monitor, the monitor has remained a companion throughout this journey.

I think it is the need to feel like I am doing something each cycle (other than the obvious) to try and get a positive. I remember the day I got my monitor. I had spent a long time researching them, trying to find one on e.bay that was cheaper than those in the shops. I eventually found one at a price that I was willing to pay and so the order was placed and the monitor was required ASAP. I wanted to start it on my next cycle, I couldn’t possibly wait another month (time was short, I wanted a baby and I wanted it as soon as). We were off to the Lake District and I wanted to start peeing on sticks whilst we were away. There was a belief that the help of the monitor, combined with a relaxing holiday, was all that was needed.

The monitor came in time. Sticks were bought and our hopes were high. That was November 2007. September 2009 and I am still friends with my monitor. It may not have delivered the goods but I can’t really blame it, after all, there are other factors involved. I no longer use it every month. I’ve got to know when I am ovulating without the need of a machine to confirm it but occasionally I will turn it on, reset it and place a certain amount of hope in it.

Block

I'm struggling to write at the moment.

There are a number of reasons for this, block.

The first and most important one is that I am crazy busy at work at the moment. My lunch break is usually my blog time but just recently I have been working through my lunches. It's that bad that I haven't even had time to Internet shop, although hopefully this will mean that my bank balance is looking healthy!

The second is that there is nothing happening in my life at the moment, really, absolutely nothing.

And thirdly, I'm worried that this diary isn't such a secret anymore. I usually blog at work, in an open plan office and occasionally the great big title that appears across the screen when composing a post is visible to others. I know, I only have myself to blame, blah, blah, blah but I'm usually very careful, it's just that a couple of times that screen has opened up when it shouldn't have, causing me to fly in to a panic, get very flustered and close it down but not before a colleague has had an eyeful.

The best way to combat the depression that sets in on the second part of the two week wait:

1. Go out to lunch,
2. Eat chips (even though you are meant to be on a diet),
3. Buy lots of things that you don't really need,
4. Drink alcohol,
5. Eat more bad food (including another portion of chips - mmmmm, I love the chips),
6. Watch crap telly,
7. Drink even more alcohol,
8. Crawl into bed.

Getting impatient...again

Yep, I have had enough of waiting. I want to move on to the next stage NOW. But of course, we can't, not just yet. I need to get through the next two months at work, which are going to be horrendous, then we are off on holiday and then we can begin.

I'm back at the doctors tomorrow to discuss the results of my recent round of FSH blood tests. I'm pretty sure that we will no longer be eligible for egg sharing. Not really sure why I had to make an appointment to see her and I'm sure that it will be a waste of time but it'll be good to find out whether they have heard from the neighbouring PCT. Although I am not holding out much hope for that.

I got my HIV result via text today and I am pleased to say that it was negative. It's good to have it confirmed. I went for a re-test last Wednesday. What a nightmare. Apparently they don't do tests for fertility treatment, they are 'a preventative and treatment clinic' not a freebie for those who are trying to get knocked up. After the lecture she told me that she would write something on my notes to say that I consent to them giving out my results to a fertility clinic and then I had to sign. I'm pretty sure that we will have to have the tests repeated and will have to pay for the privilege but, I'm really not bothered anymore. I just want to get on with it.