OMFG!

After spending the majority of this 2ww WITHOUT any hope, a big dollop of it has decided to embed itself in my head. I know that this is TOTALLY INSANE but for some reason it's there. Perhaps it is because the cramps have disappeared or, is it because I was beginning to cushion the blow of a failure. I was suddenly seeing this IVF as not having worked so my mind decided that I needed more pain. I needed to feel this failure more. It thought, I know what I'll do, I start putting doubts in her head about the sticks that she is peeing on, perhaps they aren't meant to be used so early. They are, after all only a cheap supermarket brand.

Tell me, why didn't I use the sticks that are designed to test up to 6 days early? You know, the tests that have been sat, DOING NOTHING, in my draw for over a year. Why did I go for the cheap, hard to open tests that say to test the day your period is due? I know that I am clutching at straws here but right now clutching at straws feels a whole lot better than feeling like a failure. Of course I have google.d 8dp5dt and the majority of negatives on that day are negatives full stop but, tell me, did they use a cheap supermarket brand that is only designed to be tested on the day your period is late?

Please, I need to be brought back down to reality, I need to know that I am not going completely insane. Does this denial happen to everyone? I suppose tomorrow will tell as I am going to use one of the super doper ones and take whatever that says on 10dp5dt as correct (unless my period arrives between now and then). Seriously, I'm sure that I am suffering from a delayed reaction to all those drugs.

A long week

It has been just over a week since I started the injections. It feels a lot longer. It is amazing how quickly you fall into a routine, how something that you have been dreading suddenly feels like the norm. So far I haven't had any side effects, I also haven't had my period. I'd read that this can happen so it is no real surprise however, I am surprised at how quickly I have started to have thoughts of a possible pregnancy. A delayed period, surely I couldn't be pregnant, after all this time. Unlikely but not impossible. Even the doctor told us to keep trying this month, that some people do conceive naturally just before starting IVF. Could we be one of the lucky ones? I've even been thinking about POAS. I can't even remember the last time I POAS.

Of course I haven't gone as far as POAS and I am sure that my period will arrive before I get round to doing it but, in a weird way it has felt quite good to feel such hope, to remember what ttc felt like at the start. In looking back at what it was like in the beginning it has also made me revisit the sadness, despair and depression that I went through. It is only now that I realise just how low I got. Infertility has definitely changed me, I view life differently now. I worry far more about death, I find it hard to connect with my friends who have families and it still feels like we have a large hole in our lives but, I have learned to appreciate life a lot more.

I have come so far through this experience and if nothing else, this week has taught me that whatever happens over the next few weeks, there is no way I want to go back to being that sad, depressed person.

An old friend

My C.learblue Fertility Monitor has been in my top draw for nearly two years now.

I’m not going to be one of the success stories associated with the monitor but, for some reason, I just can’t shake the habit. It’s strange really because I’ve managed to shake the working out when I would be due if my period didn’t come this month habit, and the it’s three days before my period so let’s just get those pregnancy tests out and test early habit but, the monitor, the monitor has remained a companion throughout this journey.

I think it is the need to feel like I am doing something each cycle (other than the obvious) to try and get a positive. I remember the day I got my monitor. I had spent a long time researching them, trying to find one on e.bay that was cheaper than those in the shops. I eventually found one at a price that I was willing to pay and so the order was placed and the monitor was required ASAP. I wanted to start it on my next cycle, I couldn’t possibly wait another month (time was short, I wanted a baby and I wanted it as soon as). We were off to the Lake District and I wanted to start peeing on sticks whilst we were away. There was a belief that the help of the monitor, combined with a relaxing holiday, was all that was needed.

The monitor came in time. Sticks were bought and our hopes were high. That was November 2007. September 2009 and I am still friends with my monitor. It may not have delivered the goods but I can’t really blame it, after all, there are other factors involved. I no longer use it every month. I’ve got to know when I am ovulating without the need of a machine to confirm it but occasionally I will turn it on, reset it and place a certain amount of hope in it.

Hanging on

I haven't posted recently because I am sick of sounding miserable. In reality I am not that bad, or at least, I am not that bad most of the time. I suppose I shouldn't worry about sounding miserable, this is, after all an IF blog. I just needed a break, to take a step back from it all.

This month/cycle was the first time, since the laparoscopy in December, that my fertility monitor showed an egg. I was beginning to think that the lovely Al S.ugar (the name I have, belatedly, decided to give our consultant) had done something to my ovaries when he was having a rummage round. So, the mission has been on. We have given it our best shot (lots of sex) and, as a result, I was hopeful. Now, I've always got hope towards the end of a 2ww but, this month I was more than hopeful, I was convinced. Convinced that if this is going to happen for us naturally then this cycle would be our best chance.

I started spotting yesterday.

And the mad IF woman reappeared.

One side of my brain was telling me that it was game over whilst the other side whispered the words implantation bleeding. The rational side knows how unlikely that is (I'm getting all the usual PMT symptoms) but the irrational side just won't let it lie until I am hit by the inevitable flood gates.

This isn't going to be our month.

On the bright side, only 8 weeks until our next appointment.

Only! I can't believe I have written that. It feels like forever since my laparoscopy. I am so sick of waiting.

Other news, we are moving tomorrow! Finally, after living in limbo for two years we have decided enough is enough. The house is being left empty as we have had no interest in either renting or buying which isn't ideal but, I'm beyond caring. Looking forward to the move and a week off.

Bad mood and bollocks

This weekend, including today, I have been in a bad mood.

I'm on CD 21 of cycle 37. This month, the first full cycle after my laparoscopy, there was no sign of ovulation on my super doper fertility monitor but, as a crazy infertile woman I am still hoping that a miracle may have occurred.

I seem to have come full circle at the moment. I am finding myself reverting back to the early days, when I searched the Internet for advice and success stories, thinking that I would soon be one of those success stories. I wonder if this relapse in behaviour has something to do with the fact that there is nothing going on (in terms of tests). The next thing in my IF calendar is the appointment in June. Is this my way of passing the time? Returning to the crazy IF woman desperately searching the Internet for answers.

Today I have been searching for answers on sperm morphology. What did I find? All sorts of advice / success stories / rubbish that I have read before. Did it make me feel more positive / better? Not really. I'm still on CD21, experiencing cramping, trying to ignore the cramping and the thoughts of what if.....

I'm sure that I have asked this question before, I've said it plenty of times in my head. Will the hope ever go away? Will I wake up one day and find that I have my period and I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being pregnant. On CD 21 I feel like I couldn't take another year of this shit, let alone five but we all know that these thoughts / feelings change on a daily basis.

Emptyhug, if you are reading this post I just wanted to say that I hope you are OK. I noticed that your blog has gone private but I would love to know how you are doing.

Some things change

Today, whilst looking through the websites in my 'favourites' folder I came across a couple of sites that I use to be obsessed with when we first started ttc. These ttc/pregnancy websites contain lots of useful advice about what you should do when ttc, they also have ovulating calculators and due date calendars. I can remember using the ovulating calculator religiously and I would even use the due date calendar to work out when our baby would be due if we were success that particular month.

Oh, to return to those days, when hope was there and I was confident that we would conceive within the year. I would even get excited when my period was due because of the prospect of a possible pregnancy. I have come a long way from those days.

Now, I don't go anywhere near ttc/pregnancy websites, I know what to do and when to do it. I have sorted out my diet, I don't drink like I use to and I have been popping prenatal vitamins for nearly three years. Until I came across the ttc/pregnancy website today I had completely forgotten about the due date calendar. When I saw it I had such a pang of longing.

I want to feel the excitement of POAS and getting a positive. I want to enjoy working out when our baby is due and working towards each new milestone. I want to feel excited that we have a baby growing. I want to experience morning sickness. I want to have a scan and see a heart beat and our baby bumping around in the womb. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to experience labour and I want to hold our baby in my arms. I know it is a lot to ask but others seem to manage it quite easily.