This weekend, including today, I have been in a bad mood.
I'm on CD 21 of cycle 37. This month, the first full cycle after my laparoscopy, there was no sign of ovulation on my super doper fertility monitor but, as a crazy infertile woman I am still hoping that a miracle may have occurred.
I seem to have come full circle at the moment. I am finding myself reverting back to the early days, when I searched the Internet for advice and success stories, thinking that I would soon be one of those success stories. I wonder if this relapse in behaviour has something to do with the fact that there is nothing going on (in terms of tests). The next thing in my IF calendar is the appointment in June. Is this my way of passing the time? Returning to the crazy IF woman desperately searching the Internet for answers.
Today I have been searching for answers on sperm morphology. What did I find? All sorts of advice / success stories / rubbish that I have read before. Did it make me feel more positive / better? Not really. I'm still on CD21, experiencing cramping, trying to ignore the cramping and the thoughts of what if.....
I'm sure that I have asked this question before, I've said it plenty of times in my head. Will the hope ever go away? Will I wake up one day and find that I have my period and I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being pregnant. On CD 21 I feel like I couldn't take another year of this shit, let alone five but we all know that these thoughts / feelings change on a daily basis.
Emptyhug, if you are reading this post I just wanted to say that I hope you are OK. I noticed that your blog has gone private but I would love to know how you are doing.
Monday, 19 January 2009
Tuesday, 13 January 2009
Some things change
Today, whilst looking through the websites in my 'favourites' folder I came across a couple of sites that I use to be obsessed with when we first started ttc. These ttc/pregnancy websites contain lots of useful advice about what you should do when ttc, they also have ovulating calculators and due date calendars. I can remember using the ovulating calculator religiously and I would even use the due date calendar to work out when our baby would be due if we were success that particular month.
Oh, to return to those days, when hope was there and I was confident that we would conceive within the year. I would even get excited when my period was due because of the prospect of a possible pregnancy. I have come a long way from those days.
Now, I don't go anywhere near ttc/pregnancy websites, I know what to do and when to do it. I have sorted out my diet, I don't drink like I use to and I have been popping prenatal vitamins for nearly three years. Until I came across the ttc/pregnancy website today I had completely forgotten about the due date calendar. When I saw it I had such a pang of longing.
I want to feel the excitement of POAS and getting a positive. I want to enjoy working out when our baby is due and working towards each new milestone. I want to feel excited that we have a baby growing. I want to experience morning sickness. I want to have a scan and see a heart beat and our baby bumping around in the womb. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to experience labour and I want to hold our baby in my arms. I know it is a lot to ask but others seem to manage it quite easily.
Oh, to return to those days, when hope was there and I was confident that we would conceive within the year. I would even get excited when my period was due because of the prospect of a possible pregnancy. I have come a long way from those days.
Now, I don't go anywhere near ttc/pregnancy websites, I know what to do and when to do it. I have sorted out my diet, I don't drink like I use to and I have been popping prenatal vitamins for nearly three years. Until I came across the ttc/pregnancy website today I had completely forgotten about the due date calendar. When I saw it I had such a pang of longing.
I want to feel the excitement of POAS and getting a positive. I want to enjoy working out when our baby is due and working towards each new milestone. I want to feel excited that we have a baby growing. I want to experience morning sickness. I want to have a scan and see a heart beat and our baby bumping around in the womb. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to experience labour and I want to hold our baby in my arms. I know it is a lot to ask but others seem to manage it quite easily.
Friday, 9 January 2009
International Internet Reveal Your Horrid Teenage Years Picture Day
It is International Internet Reveal Your Horrid Teenage Years Picture Day. Helen at Everday Stranger has de-lurked and asked for readers of her blog to do the same, so de-lurked I have. Why not post some of your past dodgy pictures? If you do, let me know by leaving me a comment.
All dodgy pictures of me as a teenager are safely locked away in the loft however, I have managed to obtain a couple of pictures that someb
ody else has posted of me on a well known social networking site.
All dodgy pictures of me as a teenager are safely locked away in the loft however, I have managed to obtain a couple of pictures that someb
ody else has posted of me on a well known social networking site. The picture on the right has been cropped and is not very big but you get the idea. I think I was about eleven or twelve (not quite a teenager). Look at those turn-ups on my jeans and the white socks with black shoes are just shocking. The picture below is of me at about 18, although I think I look a lot younger. I was on holiday with a friend. I look well happy to be there!
Tuesday, 6 January 2009
2008
I have been trying hard not to think about what didn't happen for us in 2008, or to even think ahead and to start hoping what could happen for us in 2009 but it is difficult, so what the hell.
In 2008 we hoped to achieve two things, those two things were to sell our house and start a family. We weren't successful with either and, in the end, both made 2008 quite a depressing year. I really don't want to be singing from the same hymn sheet in 2009 as, to be honest with you, even I am getting bored with them.
In terms of IF, 2008 has been fairly productive. In January I started going for blood tests and since those blood tests I have had a HSG and a laparoscopy. Fast forward to January 2009 and we are in a different place, we've definitely travelled a few steps up the ladder but there is still a long way to go until we reach the top. Our next appointment is in June, I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that in May 2009 we will have been ttc for three years.
Now the house. Our house is still on the market (yes, we've decided to leave it on even with the credit crunch because we are that miserable living there) but, unsurprisingly we have had no interest for quite a few months. The value of our property is dropping fast so selling it will soon no longer be an option. March 2009 will mark the two year anniversary of us trying to sell our house.
Both of the above are out of our control and that is probably the most frustrating thing of all. We can't force anybody to buy our house and we really can't do any more than what we already are doing when it comes to ttc.
Now, this is where we enter a bit of a dilemma. We don't know what to do for the best. We are in the fortunate position to be able to move without selling our house. My husband can have a house as part of his job and, at this moment in time, we are very tempted to take it and rent our house out. The only thing is that I don't like the idea of somebody else living in the house that we have spent time and money on. The house that we could have is bigger than ours and is in a fantastic location but there are no creature comforts. The kitchen and bathroom are basic and there is no en suite but, there is an open fire, it would save us a bit of money and it would give us a change that we so desperately need.
Are we mad for not jumping at the chance? I often think so but then when I really think about moving back into tied accommodation I get a pang of sadness. I don't like where our house is situated and I don't like the fact that there are a few jobs still to do around the house but, I do love the house and over the years D and I have made it our home.
In 2008 we hoped to achieve two things, those two things were to sell our house and start a family. We weren't successful with either and, in the end, both made 2008 quite a depressing year. I really don't want to be singing from the same hymn sheet in 2009 as, to be honest with you, even I am getting bored with them.
In terms of IF, 2008 has been fairly productive. In January I started going for blood tests and since those blood tests I have had a HSG and a laparoscopy. Fast forward to January 2009 and we are in a different place, we've definitely travelled a few steps up the ladder but there is still a long way to go until we reach the top. Our next appointment is in June, I'm trying hard not to think about the fact that in May 2009 we will have been ttc for three years.
Now the house. Our house is still on the market (yes, we've decided to leave it on even with the credit crunch because we are that miserable living there) but, unsurprisingly we have had no interest for quite a few months. The value of our property is dropping fast so selling it will soon no longer be an option. March 2009 will mark the two year anniversary of us trying to sell our house.
Both of the above are out of our control and that is probably the most frustrating thing of all. We can't force anybody to buy our house and we really can't do any more than what we already are doing when it comes to ttc.
Now, this is where we enter a bit of a dilemma. We don't know what to do for the best. We are in the fortunate position to be able to move without selling our house. My husband can have a house as part of his job and, at this moment in time, we are very tempted to take it and rent our house out. The only thing is that I don't like the idea of somebody else living in the house that we have spent time and money on. The house that we could have is bigger than ours and is in a fantastic location but there are no creature comforts. The kitchen and bathroom are basic and there is no en suite but, there is an open fire, it would save us a bit of money and it would give us a change that we so desperately need.
Are we mad for not jumping at the chance? I often think so but then when I really think about moving back into tied accommodation I get a pang of sadness. I don't like where our house is situated and I don't like the fact that there are a few jobs still to do around the house but, I do love the house and over the years D and I have made it our home.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
