This month was tough - probably one of the hardest I have had in a long time. I think it was the shock of the consultation, the stress from reading information about bad morphology, and PMT. I was really beginning to think that I wasn't going to come out of this one, I had visions of being carted off to the nut home.
Today is the first day in almost 2 weeks that I haven't broken down in tears. I'm feeling a bit more positive again, even with it looking like our November appointment at the infertility clinic may have to be postponed until December because of this bloody HSG appointment.
I have just had a conversation with the receptionist at the hospital. I was hoping that there had been a cancellation or a new set of appointments organised but unfortunately there hasn't. I explained about my appointment at the infertility clinic in November and that if I hadn't had the HSG I would have to postpone that appointment and the very nice lady said that she would take my telephone number and write a note on the diary to say that I needed to be booked in, if another date became available, before 11 November.
I don't hold out much hope but, to be honest with you, I am not overly bothered. I'm starting to think, what's another month. We can wait. See what I mean about the positivity?!
The weekend was good. There were no other pregnancy announcements, although I got to listen to my friend, who is feeling jealous of our other friends (one confirmed pregnancy, one not confirmed although suspected). She said that she realises how I must have felt when they all announced their first pregnancies (within two months of each other) however, she then continued with how worried she is that they may not be able to conceive again and how frustrated she gets every month. In my head I was saying "welcome to my world," there was no point saying it out loud because fertiles don't really listen and they certainly don't understand.
Monday, 29 September 2008
Thursday, 25 September 2008
Round two
This weekend I am meeting up with some girlfriends from University.
Three friends who all announced their first pregnancy around the same time. D and I had been ttc for about a month so, although I was slightly jealous that they were already on the path to parenthood, I wasn't overly bothered because I had hopes that we would be expecting a baby soon too. Anyway, their 'babies' will be turning two over the next couple of months and I know from our last get together , earlier in the year, that they are all trying for their second.
So, this weekend I am expecting round two of baby announcements.
However, it turns out that I don't have to wait until Saturday because today I received an email from one of those friends. She is in the early stages of her second pregnancy and has been worrying about telling me. I love this friend. She is so thoughtful of others and always knows what to say. She has been worrying about this since I sent her an email telling her how our appointment at the infertility clinic went. To be honest, she took over two weeks to respond to my email (which is unlike her)so I had kind of guessed.
I was really looking forward to Saturday but now I'm not sure that I can face it. Please don't let there be any other announcements as I'm really not sure that I can take it in my present state of mind. I thought this was meant to get easier, not harder.
Tuesday, 23 September 2008
Wallowing in self pity yet again
This morning I woke up at 3.45am with period pains. I immediately popped some pills in my mouth, then I went to the toilet, returned to bed and spent the next 2 hours awake, thinking.
What was I thinking about?
The usual, being infertile.
You see, I am fed-up and lost.
This whole infertility business has made me (hopefully temporarily) lose my place in this world. I no longer know who I am, where I am at or where I want to go.
Because, what I did know about myself, - happily married / working but not really caring about work / career on hold because I would soon be pregnant - where I was (before IF became a real possibility) - in a relationship which was ready to move to the next level - and where I wanted to go - starting a family with D - may not happen now. So, that one small thing (not being able to conceive) has totally thrown me off kilter.
In reality I am now part of an infertile couple struggling to accept everything that comes with IF. We are currently having to arrange our life round tests / hospital appointments / periods and mood swings and, after two and a half years, we are beginning to realise that where we want to go is irrelevant because we may not get there anyway.
What was I thinking about?
The usual, being infertile.
You see, I am fed-up and lost.
This whole infertility business has made me (hopefully temporarily) lose my place in this world. I no longer know who I am, where I am at or where I want to go.
Because, what I did know about myself, - happily married / working but not really caring about work / career on hold because I would soon be pregnant - where I was (before IF became a real possibility) - in a relationship which was ready to move to the next level - and where I wanted to go - starting a family with D - may not happen now. So, that one small thing (not being able to conceive) has totally thrown me off kilter.
In reality I am now part of an infertile couple struggling to accept everything that comes with IF. We are currently having to arrange our life round tests / hospital appointments / periods and mood swings and, after two and a half years, we are beginning to realise that where we want to go is irrelevant because we may not get there anyway.
Sunday, 21 September 2008
A bit miserable
It is the weekend. The sun is shining. It is surprisingly warm. And I am feeling a bit miserable. I think it is PMT. In fact I don't think that it is PMT, I know it is.
This cycle has been a bit different from all the others. This cycle we found out that D's sperm isn't great. That the chances of conceiving naturally are pretty slim. That IF well and truly sucks.
After the hospital appointment I felt numb. Any hope I had of us doing this naturally went completely out the window. It was clear that this was something that D and I would not be able to do on our own. For the first time I really started to think that this may never happen. That we may have to face a future that didn't involve a family.
As the start of my next cycle looms I have realised that I have not been as hopeful as previous cycles but, I must admit, there is still a small glimmer of hope. Why is that? Why do I still hope for what is a near impossibility? I know a lot of people would say that having hope is healthy but personally, I don't think it is. I don't want to be faced with this hope every month. I just want to move on. Focus on something else so that, if we don't succeed in creating a family, I am not left completely shattered.
This cycle has been a bit different from all the others. This cycle we found out that D's sperm isn't great. That the chances of conceiving naturally are pretty slim. That IF well and truly sucks.
After the hospital appointment I felt numb. Any hope I had of us doing this naturally went completely out the window. It was clear that this was something that D and I would not be able to do on our own. For the first time I really started to think that this may never happen. That we may have to face a future that didn't involve a family.
As the start of my next cycle looms I have realised that I have not been as hopeful as previous cycles but, I must admit, there is still a small glimmer of hope. Why is that? Why do I still hope for what is a near impossibility? I know a lot of people would say that having hope is healthy but personally, I don't think it is. I don't want to be faced with this hope every month. I just want to move on. Focus on something else so that, if we don't succeed in creating a family, I am not left completely shattered.
Wednesday, 17 September 2008
HSG Appointment
So it seems that arranging a HSG is slightly more difficult than first anticipated. The Dr we saw at our first consultation (now going to be known as Dr Clueless for obvious reasons) informed me that I needed to phone the hospital to arrange an appointment for a HSG when my next period arrived.
However, a week later I received an appointment date for my HSG. I phoned the hospital to try and find out why I received an appointment when I had been instructed to phone. I was told that they no longer use the system that Dr Clueless informed us of, instead they allocate appointments for when a particular doctor is in.
Although the appointment I was sent through would have been OK cycle wise, it wasn't work wise so I informed the receptionist that I needed to change it. The next appointment she could give me was 23 October which, when I worked it out, would be slap bang in the middle of my period. When I told her she said that she didn't know when the doctor would be in after this date so the best thing would be to take this appointment and if, on the week of the appointment, it looks like I am going to have my period then I should phone her.
So, at the moment I have a HSG booked for 23 October but I 'm not feeling very confident that I will be attending it. My only concern is that we are booked in at the infertility clinic on 11 November to discuss the results of the HSG and where to go from there and if I have to rearrange the HSG again it is looking unlikely that we will be able to attend this appointment. The infertility clinic only meets once a month so that would mean that our next appointment would have to be in December.
I know it is only another month to wait but I was really hoping to attend the appointment in November. Fingers crossed that my period comes early this month and next and then I can attend both appointments. Is it likely my body will do what I want it to? Not really but I suppose I can hope.
However, a week later I received an appointment date for my HSG. I phoned the hospital to try and find out why I received an appointment when I had been instructed to phone. I was told that they no longer use the system that Dr Clueless informed us of, instead they allocate appointments for when a particular doctor is in.
Although the appointment I was sent through would have been OK cycle wise, it wasn't work wise so I informed the receptionist that I needed to change it. The next appointment she could give me was 23 October which, when I worked it out, would be slap bang in the middle of my period. When I told her she said that she didn't know when the doctor would be in after this date so the best thing would be to take this appointment and if, on the week of the appointment, it looks like I am going to have my period then I should phone her.
So, at the moment I have a HSG booked for 23 October but I 'm not feeling very confident that I will be attending it. My only concern is that we are booked in at the infertility clinic on 11 November to discuss the results of the HSG and where to go from there and if I have to rearrange the HSG again it is looking unlikely that we will be able to attend this appointment. The infertility clinic only meets once a month so that would mean that our next appointment would have to be in December.
I know it is only another month to wait but I was really hoping to attend the appointment in November. Fingers crossed that my period comes early this month and next and then I can attend both appointments. Is it likely my body will do what I want it to? Not really but I suppose I can hope.
Friday, 12 September 2008
Winners and losers
I have a friend. She is an old school friend. When she got married, her and her husband decided to try for a family. Four years and lots of tests later they were no closer to that family. Six years later they have two dogs, a lovely house, a posh car and no family. My friend is a winner. She was confronted with IF, she tackled it head on and accepted the outcome no matter what. Although she didn't get the family she thought she would have she was able to stick two fingers up at IF and move on.
At this moment in time I feel like a loser. I can only hope that if our future doesn't include a child then I can be as strong a person as my friend.
At this moment in time I feel like a loser. I can only hope that if our future doesn't include a child then I can be as strong a person as my friend.
Thursday, 11 September 2008
So much to say
Firstly, I feel I need to clarify what I actually meant in my last post which, on reading now, I realise sounds a bit dodgy. The man did only appear at night because he was in my dream. The dream was so vivid that it took me awhile to get it / him out of my mind hence the mention in the post.
OK, so now to the hospital appointment. We had convinced ourselves that it would be an uneventful 20 minute appointment where they would ask us some questions and then decide what tests I would require. Our appointment actually lasted an hour and 45 minutes.
My next appointment is for a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which will be at the beginning of October. We also have an appointment booked for 11 November to discuss the results of the HSG and, depending on the results, where to go from there.
The doctor / registrar informed us that if my tubes are OK they probably won't bother to do a Laparoscopy which is fine by me. If my tubes are OK we will be referred to a clinic to pursue assisted conception. She then said that we wouldn't get NHS funding for this which is a total contradiction to what we have been told by our doctor and from documents that I have found on the Internet. When I said that we had been informed that our County does offer fertility traeatment on the NHS and that we had been told we meet the criteria she didn't say anything and carried on talking about choosing a clinic. I'll push that point at my next appointment in November. She either doesn't know (the infertility clinic only meet once a month so she may not have been local) or she was trying to brush us off.
Now for the big slap in the face - the morphology concerns raised, but played down, by the doctor when D did his SA are worse than we thought. The Dr told us that D's results showed 2% on his original SA and 4% on his second. This means that only 4% are of a normal shape / size and it is only this 4% that have a chance of cracking an egg. When I asked her outright whether this could be the cause of our infertility (felt like shit asking it but I just wanted some straight answers) she said yes it could be the reason but they had to check my tubes. So, went home and opened one of my books on IF and realised that things are actually worse than we thought. The book states that a result of 15% or above is fine, anything under 15% can cause sub-fertility and under 5% is a severe problem, so basically we are fucked.
I just feel so numb.
OK, so now to the hospital appointment. We had convinced ourselves that it would be an uneventful 20 minute appointment where they would ask us some questions and then decide what tests I would require. Our appointment actually lasted an hour and 45 minutes.
My next appointment is for a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which will be at the beginning of October. We also have an appointment booked for 11 November to discuss the results of the HSG and, depending on the results, where to go from there.
The doctor / registrar informed us that if my tubes are OK they probably won't bother to do a Laparoscopy which is fine by me. If my tubes are OK we will be referred to a clinic to pursue assisted conception. She then said that we wouldn't get NHS funding for this which is a total contradiction to what we have been told by our doctor and from documents that I have found on the Internet. When I said that we had been informed that our County does offer fertility traeatment on the NHS and that we had been told we meet the criteria she didn't say anything and carried on talking about choosing a clinic. I'll push that point at my next appointment in November. She either doesn't know (the infertility clinic only meet once a month so she may not have been local) or she was trying to brush us off.
Now for the big slap in the face - the morphology concerns raised, but played down, by the doctor when D did his SA are worse than we thought. The Dr told us that D's results showed 2% on his original SA and 4% on his second. This means that only 4% are of a normal shape / size and it is only this 4% that have a chance of cracking an egg. When I asked her outright whether this could be the cause of our infertility (felt like shit asking it but I just wanted some straight answers) she said yes it could be the reason but they had to check my tubes. So, went home and opened one of my books on IF and realised that things are actually worse than we thought. The book states that a result of 15% or above is fine, anything under 15% can cause sub-fertility and under 5% is a severe problem, so basically we are fucked.
I just feel so numb.
Tuesday, 9 September 2008
Just a quickie
Today I was asked by a male work colleague whether I was going to be the next to go off on maternity! When I answered rather abruptly "NO!" He followed on with "well it seems to be catching in your corner". What a tosser!
On another note, I've met a man. He was lovely, very attentive, rough and rugged and a very good kisser.....can't wait till bedtime to see whether he reappears.
On another note, I've met a man. He was lovely, very attentive, rough and rugged and a very good kisser.....can't wait till bedtime to see whether he reappears.
Monday, 8 September 2008
Busy, busy, busy
OK, for some reason my life seems to have gone in to overdrive.
This week I have:
~ two late nights at work,
~ one hospital appointment,
~ one appointment with our financial adviser,
~ one delivery of furniture,
~ one meeting at WW,
~ one book club meeting,
..and to top it all I am ovulating!
I'm also getting a headache just thinking about it!
Work has just gone ridiculous, we are heading into the busiest time of the year which means that I will actually forget about IF and ttc stuff for awhile. Not a bad thing.
Tomorrow is the hospital appointment. I don't expect that I'll have much to report but I'm just glad that it is finally here.
This week I have:
~ two late nights at work,
~ one hospital appointment,
~ one appointment with our financial adviser,
~ one delivery of furniture,
~ one meeting at WW,
~ one book club meeting,
..and to top it all I am ovulating!
I'm also getting a headache just thinking about it!
Work has just gone ridiculous, we are heading into the busiest time of the year which means that I will actually forget about IF and ttc stuff for awhile. Not a bad thing.
Tomorrow is the hospital appointment. I don't expect that I'll have much to report but I'm just glad that it is finally here.
Tuesday, 2 September 2008
Shitsville
I say that I live in Shitsville but I don't really, it is just the affectionate term that D and I have given it.
So, we have been living in Shitsville for nearly 4 years. In those 4 years we have replaced the windows, fence, kitchen, bathroom, en-suite and down stairs toilet. Needless to say, it was a shit hole when we moved in. In fact, the day we got the keys I stood in the middle of the living room and just cried. It was our first house purchase and I felt that we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives.
Before we bought our own home we lived in tied accommodation. The cottage we lived in was quaint but it was too small (even for two people) and there was a lot of damp. When we decided to buy we had the option of:
1. buying a three bedroom detached house with an integral garage and an en-suite in a fairly respectable area but, unfortunately you had to drive through a renowned council estate to get to it
2. buying a semi-detached two bedroom bungalow with no dining room in the more respectable side of the village (with no council estate)*
We chose 1 because we wanted a home where we could have a family. Four years on we are no closer to having that family and we are desperate to be living in the more respectable side of the village (where comparable property is valued up to £30,000 more than ours).
We are unable to sell our house because of the area. We have had a lot of viewings but they have all said pretty much the same thing, if they could pick the house up and move it, it would be ideal.
I do like our house and I will be sad when / if we do eventually sell it but, at this moment in time, it feels like another thing that just isn't happening for us. Like IF, it is completely out of our control. Looking on the positive side, at least it gives me something other than not conceiving to think about!
* I have nothing against council estates, I was brought up in a council house. My beef is with this particular council estate because it is quite run down and is renowned for having lots of criminals living on it.
So, we have been living in Shitsville for nearly 4 years. In those 4 years we have replaced the windows, fence, kitchen, bathroom, en-suite and down stairs toilet. Needless to say, it was a shit hole when we moved in. In fact, the day we got the keys I stood in the middle of the living room and just cried. It was our first house purchase and I felt that we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives.
Before we bought our own home we lived in tied accommodation. The cottage we lived in was quaint but it was too small (even for two people) and there was a lot of damp. When we decided to buy we had the option of:
1. buying a three bedroom detached house with an integral garage and an en-suite in a fairly respectable area but, unfortunately you had to drive through a renowned council estate to get to it
2. buying a semi-detached two bedroom bungalow with no dining room in the more respectable side of the village (with no council estate)*
We chose 1 because we wanted a home where we could have a family. Four years on we are no closer to having that family and we are desperate to be living in the more respectable side of the village (where comparable property is valued up to £30,000 more than ours).
We are unable to sell our house because of the area. We have had a lot of viewings but they have all said pretty much the same thing, if they could pick the house up and move it, it would be ideal.
I do like our house and I will be sad when / if we do eventually sell it but, at this moment in time, it feels like another thing that just isn't happening for us. Like IF, it is completely out of our control. Looking on the positive side, at least it gives me something other than not conceiving to think about!
* I have nothing against council estates, I was brought up in a council house. My beef is with this particular council estate because it is quite run down and is renowned for having lots of criminals living on it.
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