Auf Wiedersehen

My period arrived on Friday. I'm alright. I was pretty sure that it hadn't worked so it was no surprise really. We've got our review at the end of June.

Whilst on the 2ww I did a lot of thinking and I decided that I was going to stop posting on this blog. There are many reasons for this decision but the main one is that I feel like I need to move on. I need to focus my time and energy on something other than trying to get pregnant and, to be honest with you, I am sick of talking about not getting pregnant. It's been a long time.

I would just like to say a big thank you for all your kind words and support. This really is a fantastic community that has helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life. I won't be able to stop myself from checking in on some blogs so you may see the odd comment from me.

I wish you all the best for the future.

OMFG!

After spending the majority of this 2ww WITHOUT any hope, a big dollop of it has decided to embed itself in my head. I know that this is TOTALLY INSANE but for some reason it's there. Perhaps it is because the cramps have disappeared or, is it because I was beginning to cushion the blow of a failure. I was suddenly seeing this IVF as not having worked so my mind decided that I needed more pain. I needed to feel this failure more. It thought, I know what I'll do, I start putting doubts in her head about the sticks that she is peeing on, perhaps they aren't meant to be used so early. They are, after all only a cheap supermarket brand.

Tell me, why didn't I use the sticks that are designed to test up to 6 days early? You know, the tests that have been sat, DOING NOTHING, in my draw for over a year. Why did I go for the cheap, hard to open tests that say to test the day your period is due? I know that I am clutching at straws here but right now clutching at straws feels a whole lot better than feeling like a failure. Of course I have google.d 8dp5dt and the majority of negatives on that day are negatives full stop but, tell me, did they use a cheap supermarket brand that is only designed to be tested on the day your period is late?

Please, I need to be brought back down to reality, I need to know that I am not going completely insane. Does this denial happen to everyone? I suppose tomorrow will tell as I am going to use one of the super doper ones and take whatever that says on 10dp5dt as correct (unless my period arrives between now and then). Seriously, I'm sure that I am suffering from a delayed reaction to all those drugs.

Not another success story

Thank you for the positive comments in my last post but I am sure that this blog will not feature a success story.

I caved this morning and POAS. There wasn't even the slightest tinge of pink for me to begin to obsess about. Nothing. The positive window stayed pure white.

I just knew that this wouldn't work. With one funded shot at the big guy it was never going to work. Yes, I've drawn a line under this IVF because I'm not sure that I can torture myself over the next 5 days. I'm back to work on Monday, back to some sort of normality, whatever that is. Back to life before injections and scans. Back to nothing.

On Tuesday I turn 35. 4 years of this shit. At this moment in time I don't feel like I can go on but of course I will because that is what we do. We pick ourselves up, brush ourselves down and slowly move on.

7dp5dt

I've not blogged since the transfer because I have been trying to keep my mind off the whole 2ww thing! I know, better said than done. The first few days of the wait were OK, I was still smugly reeling in the glory of a smooth transfer with a grade A blastocyst. This week, or to be more precise, the 6th day of the 2ww (so not even into the 2nd week) has been tough. It's the period cramps that have totally thrown me. I was expecting them because I have read everywhere that they happen but when I was woken by them last night I spent a restless night convinced that we have reached the end of this IVF journey.

My official test date is still a week away but I am planning on testing at the weekend (if I get there before my period arrives). I need to know before I go back to work, I just can't face testing on the morning when I have to go into work and act like everything is OK.

Today really is the first day that I have felt like crying. Throughout this IVF there have been no emotional break downs but I have a feeling that this is all about to change. I think the hardest part of all this is the feeling that I have let D down. Everything was perfect, the sperm, the eggs, the fertilisation report and the quality of the final three embryos. The final stumbling block is down to me and my body.


Bloody hell, I just feel so deflated today.

Transfer complete

I woke up this morning feeling very nervous, more nervous than egg collection day. This was the part of IVF that had always filled me with fear but, not any more. It was OK, in fact it was quite an emotional experience.

On Monday the embryologist informed us that we had 7 embryos on track and 1 that was slightly behind. We were told that we would be going with a 5 day transfer and that they would see us on Wednesday at 11.30am.

Once I was gowned up and in theatre we were told that we had a grade A blastocyct to put back in today and that we had 2 further grade A's for the freezer which is great news. The ET itself was fine, I had a full bladder that wasn't too uncomfortable but meant that we had a really good view of what was happening. I could have cried when we saw the end of the catheter move as the embryo was released.

Now we have the agonising 2ww.

Limbo

They retrieved 10 eggs on Friday. The embryologist asked us whether we wanted to proceed with IVF or ICSI. It felt like the $10 million question. As the husband's sperm was way above the criteria for IVF we agreed to go down the more natural route.

Out of the 10 retrieved, 8 fertilised. The transfer is scheduled for Wednesday (if everything goes to plan). I'll get an update on Monday.

Wednesday seems like such a long way off. I had never thought much about this period, the transitional period. When you think of IVF you think about the first injection, the scans, the development of the follicles, the egg collection, the embryo transfer and then the two week wait. I knew that there would be a period of anxiety over the development and quality of the eggs/sperm/embryos but I never thought that it would leave me feeling so scared or vulnerable. I received a text message from a friend who has been through IVF and, in the text, she says that she found this part of the process the hardest. And it is the hardest because there is no longer anything that you can do, it all depends on the eggs/sperm/embryos as they begin their first fight for survival.

Could I finally be ready for egg collection?

Firstly, thank you for the comments on the last post. Reading them really perked me up and made me realise that I am not alone.

Since my last post I have been for two scans and thankfully things have improved slightly. I've decided to give up with worrying about the number of follicles, there is nothing I can do about it so we will just have to work with what we've got/get.

As it was a Bank Holiday on Monday the husband got to experience the early morning call at the hospital. It was good to have some company. I don't know whether it was because the husband was with me, or whether I was finally getting to the stage where they could report back but we got a good run through of everything on the scan. When we went to the nurse to have the blood drawn she took us through the scan results from the notes so we got to hear twice how things were progressing nicely which made me feel better. On the way home we decided to go for breakfast in a farm shop not far from where we live, it was lovely. It was a good day.

Today I was back at the hospital for another scan and blood test. Things have progressed a little since Monday so it is still looking like egg collection on Friday, I'm just waiting for a call to confirm.