I've not blogged since the transfer because I have been trying to keep my mind off the whole 2ww thing! I know, better said than done. The first few days of the wait were OK, I was still smugly reeling in the glory of a smooth transfer with a grade A blastocyst. This week, or to be more precise, the 6th day of the 2ww (so not even into the 2nd week) has been tough. It's the period cramps that have totally thrown me. I was expecting them because I have read everywhere that they happen but when I was woken by them last night I spent a restless night convinced that we have reached the end of this IVF journey.
My official test date is still a week away but I am planning on testing at the weekend (if I get there before my period arrives). I need to know before I go back to work, I just can't face testing on the morning when I have to go into work and act like everything is OK.
Today really is the first day that I have felt like crying. Throughout this IVF there have been no emotional break downs but I have a feeling that this is all about to change. I think the hardest part of all this is the feeling that I have let D down. Everything was perfect, the sperm, the eggs, the fertilisation report and the quality of the final three embryos. The final stumbling block is down to me and my body.
Bloody hell, I just feel so deflated today.
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Showing posts with label fear. Show all posts
Wednesday, 19 May 2010
Thursday, 28 January 2010
What if it doesn't work?
I have tried so hard not to think about next Monday. It's difficult but, for the majority, I am able to place it at the back of my mind. It helps being busy at work and focusing on weight loss. I find that the worst time for wondering thoughts is when I am driving home. Last night I found my mind wondering and, before I knew it, I thought what if this doesn't work? I'm not saying that I expect IVF to work the first time but I had convinced myself that it would eventually work.
We have one cyle on the NHS, a possibility of a FET and then we will pay for one final attempt. I had it in my head that one of these would surely have to work, that if nothing else the second round of IVF would be the kiddy, the winner, the icing on the cake.
That was, until last night. Last night our appointment on Monday became more than just an appointment to discuss IVF, it became the last leg of this journey. This is it. We are homeward bound, whether we arrive as a family or just the two of us will be decided this year.
I no longer feel ready for this. Ready for the treatment, the emotional roller coaster and the very real possibility that it could all be for nothing.
At the weekend, whilst the husband and I were talking about IVF and the appointment I was shocked to hear that he was keen to attend a counselling session (my husband is a very private person and I would never have thought that he would like to discuss his thoughts on IVF with anybody other than me). I've always been adamant that I wouldn't need to attend a counselling session but, as the appointment gets closer, I am beginning to think that I would also benefit from discussing my fears and concerns. IVF is scary and expensive and emotional and invasive and lots of other things but I am not sure that it is as scary as the question what if it doesn't work?
We have one cyle on the NHS, a possibility of a FET and then we will pay for one final attempt. I had it in my head that one of these would surely have to work, that if nothing else the second round of IVF would be the kiddy, the winner, the icing on the cake.
That was, until last night. Last night our appointment on Monday became more than just an appointment to discuss IVF, it became the last leg of this journey. This is it. We are homeward bound, whether we arrive as a family or just the two of us will be decided this year.
I no longer feel ready for this. Ready for the treatment, the emotional roller coaster and the very real possibility that it could all be for nothing.
At the weekend, whilst the husband and I were talking about IVF and the appointment I was shocked to hear that he was keen to attend a counselling session (my husband is a very private person and I would never have thought that he would like to discuss his thoughts on IVF with anybody other than me). I've always been adamant that I wouldn't need to attend a counselling session but, as the appointment gets closer, I am beginning to think that I would also benefit from discussing my fears and concerns. IVF is scary and expensive and emotional and invasive and lots of other things but I am not sure that it is as scary as the question what if it doesn't work?
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
A whole load of emotion
I would never have predicted the variety of emotions I would be experiencing following approval for treatment on the NHS. Even though the decision is well overdue and I am ecstatic to finally be moving on to the next stage, I have found the whole thing very scary and emotional. I have, however, been reassured by other IF bloggers about to embark on IVF for the first time posting similar fears, concerns and excitement, it makes me realise that everything that I am going through is normal or as normal as it can be.
Surprisingly, this last week I have been experiencing waves of anger similarly to when we first started going through this. I think it is the anticipation of what we have to come, mixed with the thought of yet another Christmas without a family. It's weird because I am aware of it and I know that it is irrational but I can't stop feeling angry that friends were able to have a family without having to go through what we will be going through in February/March/April. I know that this anger will pass, that as the date of our first consultation approaches it will change to excitement, fear, anticipation, optimism, pessimism, hope, and either relief, happiness and joy or sadness and despair.
Our initial consultation is on 1 February which, when I received the letter, felt like a lifetime away. Now, it doesn't feel too bad. Yes, I am keen to get started and I would do it tomorrow if I could but, realistically, February is a good date. It gives us time to detox after Christmas and time really will fly by I am sure.
Surprisingly, this last week I have been experiencing waves of anger similarly to when we first started going through this. I think it is the anticipation of what we have to come, mixed with the thought of yet another Christmas without a family. It's weird because I am aware of it and I know that it is irrational but I can't stop feeling angry that friends were able to have a family without having to go through what we will be going through in February/March/April. I know that this anger will pass, that as the date of our first consultation approaches it will change to excitement, fear, anticipation, optimism, pessimism, hope, and either relief, happiness and joy or sadness and despair.
Our initial consultation is on 1 February which, when I received the letter, felt like a lifetime away. Now, it doesn't feel too bad. Yes, I am keen to get started and I would do it tomorrow if I could but, realistically, February is a good date. It gives us time to detox after Christmas and time really will fly by I am sure.
Monday, 3 August 2009
STI tests
Lets be frank here, I'm not saying that I was a complete slut when I was younger BUT, and yes that is a very big but, I did have a number [that I don't wish to share with civilised IF bloggers] of [unprotected] sexual encounters with [dodgy] men who could [alarmingly] have been candidates for carrying some nasty STI.
At the time I was young and free and HIV and aids wasn't such a big deal. It is no excuse and I regret it. I know that I was stupid and I have often thought, and told the husband, that we should get tested but, well some things just get left on the back burner until you are forced to face them.
And face them we will. This Friday, although to be exact it will probably be a week Friday because it takes a week to get HIV results back. Yes, I've finally got round to booking us into the Sexual Health Clinic where we will be checked for hepatitis, chlamydia and, most frighteningly of all, HIV. I'm pretty sure that I haven't got chlamydia because they tested me when I first went to the infertility clinic, hepatitis is obviously a worry but I am petrified of HIV. Believe it or not, I have shared this concern with family (my sister whom I tell everything) and friends (work colleagues who know that I am insane and so don't bat an eyelid when I vocalise such concerns) but I believe there is a real possibility that I could have it. Is it just me? Has anybody else had such fears?
At the time I was young and free and HIV and aids wasn't such a big deal. It is no excuse and I regret it. I know that I was stupid and I have often thought, and told the husband, that we should get tested but, well some things just get left on the back burner until you are forced to face them.
And face them we will. This Friday, although to be exact it will probably be a week Friday because it takes a week to get HIV results back. Yes, I've finally got round to booking us into the Sexual Health Clinic where we will be checked for hepatitis, chlamydia and, most frighteningly of all, HIV. I'm pretty sure that I haven't got chlamydia because they tested me when I first went to the infertility clinic, hepatitis is obviously a worry but I am petrified of HIV. Believe it or not, I have shared this concern with family (my sister whom I tell everything) and friends (work colleagues who know that I am insane and so don't bat an eyelid when I vocalise such concerns) but I believe there is a real possibility that I could have it. Is it just me? Has anybody else had such fears?
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