I feel like I am failing this IVF

Today I feel emotionally exhausted. My excitement and anticipation has dwindled to non-existent. I am sick of injecting. I am sick of trying to be hopeful and I am sick of not responding better to the drugs. I just feel like I am heading for a great big disappointment.

I'm on day 8 of stims. My scan today registered a couple more follicles but they were noted as tiny, the follicles that were visible on the last scan have got bigger. I'm concerned with my lining as I have read somewhere that it needs to be between 8-10 mm but it is still measuring under 6mm. I've also read that stimming takes, on average, 12 days so I really hope that things improve over the next four days.

I go back on Monday for another stim scan.

Second scan

My scan on Monday was OK. It showed 4 follicles on my right ovary, 3 on my left and one cyst which, I have been told, is nothing to worry about.

After my appointment I was instructed to double the dose of Menopur from two to four ampules. Thankfully the husband has shown a surprisingly good ability to mix the solution and powder so he is now in charge of that.

I haven't really got anything else to report. This IVF cycle just seems to be happening. I have been fairly lucky as I haven't experienced any major side effects. My main complaint, headaches. Other than that I can, so far, report that my mood, in general, has been normal, I'm no more tired than usual (although the 5am starts on scan days are a little tough) and my emotions have been behaving, there have been no tears, not yet anyway.

I'm back at the hospital tomorrow.

The anticipation was far worse

On Sunday night we set the alarm clock for 6am. Monday would be the start of the injections and, as we wanted to fit them into our morning routine, it meant waking at a ridiculous hour on a Bank Holiday. Not that I was complaining, I was keen to finally get started. Sunday night was restless.

When the alarm went off we both went back to sleep. I was exhausted after my restless night and the husband was sleeping off a hangover. When I woke up 20 minutes later I woke the husband and told him that we needed to get on with it. His response, get on with what?

He went downstairs to make the tea whilst I made up the injection. I was sat in bed waiting for him to return and I suddenly felt very sick and nervous. I jumped out of bed, run down the stairs, flung myself on the chair, handed him the syringe and told him to get on with it.

I couldn't look.

I felt it go in.

It stung.

Before I knew, it was over.

That was it.

We had started.

Now what?

We went back to bed with our tea and eventually fell back to sleep.

Needless to say, it was all a bit of an anticlimax.

Subconscious stress

On Monday I start injecting brueselin.

Yesterday I realised that my stress levels were quite high and increasing at a steady rate.

Everyone and everything is getting to me. It is like a double dose of PMT and I haven't even started the medication.

It would appear that the IVF is affecting me more than I thought.

The final countdown

Yes, it's here....finally!

Today is CD 4, on CD 21 I will start injecting myself.

I can't lie, it feels like a lifetime since our first consultation and I am sure that the next two weeks are going to drag.

Yesterday we signed the consent forms, collected the prescription and had training on how to administer the first drug. It felt good to be moving forward. I am so ready for this.

I'm trying not to think too far ahead, just taking each day/drug/scan at a time which doesn't make a very exciting read but is keeping the mad woman at bay!

This is really happening...

I have a very 'interesting' object in my uterus

The second scan proved even more eventful than the first.

The 'is it or isn't it a fibroid' question took two sonographers and a consultant 45 minutes to solve. They all commented on how interesting this fibroid/object was in my uterus but, at the time, it didn't feel very interesting. When the Dr (who was young and very good looking - could this get any worse?) started talking about surgery I began to realise that yes, this could definitely get A LOT WORSE!

He said that in cases like this they would prefer to go in to see what it is and that, if I was OK with that he had a cancellation for next Tuesday. All I could think about was that this would postpone the treatment and, surgery? Next Tuesday? Really??!

I think their main concern was the position of the fibroid/object. I say think because, at this point, I was wishing that I was anywhere but there. If it was attached to the endometrium then we had problems. The sonographer suggested adding saline, the Consultant asked if I was OK for this to be done here and now, that it was a procedure similar to embryo transfer - a catheter would be inserted followed by saline. If the saline went around the fibroid/object it was good news, if it didn't, it was bad news and next Tuesday would be on.

The saline, thankfully, went all around the fibroid/object. They seemed happy with the fact that it wasn't attached so I am free to continue with this cycle however, he would like this fibroid/object to be monitored. So, although it was a stressful 45 minutes I have now experienced (minus the full badder) what a embryo transfer is like.

Now, I wait for the paperwork, protocol and prescription to arrive in the post which, the sonographer told me would be in the next two weeks.

We're on to the next stage...phew!

IVF on the NHS

Three days after our initial appointment at the fertility clinic and we received our first, of probably many, bills.

It looks like there are lots of hidden extras that are going to cost us money. The first is the SA that the husband had done, the second will be for the 3d scan and blood tests scheduled at the end of the month. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate not having to pay for the actual cycle but it would have been nice to have been told on Monday that we would be receiving a bill for the SA and that the scan is going to cost. The lovely IVF doctor has already lost a couple of marks and we haven't even started!

What if it doesn't work?

I have tried so hard not to think about next Monday. It's difficult but, for the majority, I am able to place it at the back of my mind. It helps being busy at work and focusing on weight loss. I find that the worst time for wondering thoughts is when I am driving home. Last night I found my mind wondering and, before I knew it, I thought what if this doesn't work? I'm not saying that I expect IVF to work the first time but I had convinced myself that it would eventually work.

We have one cyle on the NHS, a possibility of a FET and then we will pay for one final attempt. I had it in my head that one of these would surely have to work, that if nothing else the second round of IVF would be the kiddy, the winner, the icing on the cake.

That was, until last night. Last night our appointment on Monday became more than just an appointment to discuss IVF, it became the last leg of this journey. This is it. We are homeward bound, whether we arrive as a family or just the two of us will be decided this year.

I no longer feel ready for this. Ready for the treatment, the emotional roller coaster and the very real possibility that it could all be for nothing.

At the weekend, whilst the husband and I were talking about IVF and the appointment I was shocked to hear that he was keen to attend a counselling session (my husband is a very private person and I would never have thought that he would like to discuss his thoughts on IVF with anybody other than me). I've always been adamant that I wouldn't need to attend a counselling session but, as the appointment gets closer, I am beginning to think that I would also benefit from discussing my fears and concerns. IVF is scary and expensive and emotional and invasive and lots of other things but I am not sure that it is as scary as the question what if it doesn't work?

*UPDATED* This is not a look back at 2009 although I do mention Christmas and New Year but that's as far as it goes

*UPDATED to include the all important no.7, how could I forget about that?!*

So that was Christmas. Now it's back to reality.

It's weird because I never realised just how much I was looking forward to Christmas. When I received the letter from the clinic I was so eager for it to be 2010. I thought Christmas was just a distraction but, it was more than that, it became an escape from it all.

I discovered this after everybody had left last Monday. We were so looking forward to having some time together, just the two of us, but the time between Christmas and New Year wasn't at all what I we thought it would be. We were both suffering from post-Christmas blues as we began to think about our situation, what we would be experiencing in 2010, fearful to hope but needing it to help us out of the depression that was slowly beginning to engulf us.

One thing that depressed me throughout December was the amount of weight that I was putting on. I am disgusted with myself, nearly all of my clothes no longer fit me! So, as of today, I am back on the wagon. I'm back at WW on Wednesday to find out the true damage of Christmas 2009. Wednesday is going to be a bad day. I am going to be in a foul mood no matter what. Still, at least I have the incentive of the appointment to get me back on track, I have not come this far just to pile the weight back on even before I have started treatment.


OK, enough of the moaning, below is a list of things that I need to do or organise this month in preparation for next:

1. Lose as much weight as possible! I'm on with this as of today.

2. Get my hair coloured. Just in case...

3. Look into acupuncture. Hopefully this will help.

4. Stop drinking. I'm on with this as of today, or as of 9pm last night when I finished my last glass of wine. This is going to be one of the hardest things to give up.

5. Start exercising. We've been going on lots of walks but I need to start doing some other form of activity not only to make me feel better but to accelerate the weight loss.

6. Folic Acid. I have been taking this (on and off) for over three years now but will make sure that I take it every day without fail from now on!

7. Ensure that downstairs is presentable (don't want to give the doctor unnecessary work!) Need to get the scissors out and book the waxing session.


So that is my list of things (so far) that I need to do in preparation for IVF. If any body has any tips or advice please feel free to leave them in the comments.

The husband is off to the clinic on Wednesday to provide a sample. To say he is not looking forward to it is an understatement but, then again, I'm not sure that I would look forward to a session with my right hand in a room in a hospital!


Oh, and before I forget, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

A whole load of emotion

I would never have predicted the variety of emotions I would be experiencing following approval for treatment on the NHS. Even though the decision is well overdue and I am ecstatic to finally be moving on to the next stage, I have found the whole thing very scary and emotional. I have, however, been reassured by other IF bloggers about to embark on IVF for the first time posting similar fears, concerns and excitement, it makes me realise that everything that I am going through is normal or as normal as it can be.

Surprisingly, this last week I have been experiencing waves of anger similarly to when we first started going through this. I think it is the anticipation of what we have to come, mixed with the thought of yet another Christmas without a family. It's weird because I am aware of it and I know that it is irrational but I can't stop feeling angry that friends were able to have a family without having to go through what we will be going through in February/March/April. I know that this anger will pass, that as the date of our first consultation approaches it will change to excitement, fear, anticipation, optimism, pessimism, hope, and either relief, happiness and joy or sadness and despair.

Our initial consultation is on 1 February which, when I received the letter, felt like a lifetime away. Now, it doesn't feel too bad. Yes, I am keen to get started and I would do it tomorrow if I could but, realistically, February is a good date. It gives us time to detox after Christmas and time really will fly by I am sure.

From very merry to mardy arse

I have been in a complete mardy since Sunday.

I should be happy, things are finally moving forward but I just can't seem to shift the dark cloud that has descended. This dark cloud is an accumulation of things that are bothering me at the moment. I know that I am stressing unnecessarily, that I should take each day as it comes and, I am sure that in a couple of days things will look different again but, at this particular moment in time I am stressing over the following (in no particular order):

1. My weight - I am putting on weight which means that I am losing control. I hate not being in control, I hate it when I start to put on weight because I enter that vicious circle of getting depressed, eating because I am depressed and putting on weight because I am eating thus getting more depressed. I need to take control but I have so many meals / evening out lined up that it just isn't going to happen this side of Christmas. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and Christmas really is the worst time of the year for someone like me.

2. Our first appointment - the 1 Feb which really isn't that far away however, I appear to have lost any ability to wait so it feels like an eternity. I know that it means that I can relax at Christmas, yes I can even have a drink and I will still (thankfully) have a whole month to detox. But, I had got it in my head that there was every possibility that we could have a child in 2010, now it is not going to be 2010 and 2011 is definitely an eternity!

3. Our IVF is on the NHS - which is great but, the fact that we are limited to one single embryo transfer, has convinced me that it is not going to work. The number of people I have heard of who had a positive pregnancy and live birth on their first attempt at IVF all had two embryos transferred. I really am trying to be positive but really, the likelihood of one embryo taking on a first attempt of IVF, quite slim.

4. Scared - I'm scared of what starting this IVF cycle means. If this doesn't work then we are one step closer to closing this chapter of our life. Although I am thinking about the what if in a positive sense I am also thinking about the what if in a negative sense. I'm also scared of the whole IVF process but I think that the frustration of waiting and the feeling that February is a life time away is currently shading this fear.

I am also pissed off that this year saw the addition of 6, yes 6 new names (babies) to my Christmas card list. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards and, like every other year, it was depressing that the people I am writing to have increased in size and I'm still signing off with just the two of us. Tits, arse, bum, poo, bollocks, wank...

A very happy Secret D

Today I am very excited. Yesterday I was really pissed off and stressed. Here's why...

Yesterday I phoned the Practice Manager (for what it was worth) to ask what happens next. Not a difficult question but one that she, apparently, has never been asked before. After a lengthy discussion it was left that I would contact the consultant's PA to get the referral letter sent to the clinic of our choice. I wasn't entirely convinced that this was the route to take as, how would the clinic know that my IVF is being funded by the NHS? I did ask her this question but she seemed adamant that the ball was in my court.

Today I emailed (I couldn't face phoning) the woman from the PCT, who had sent the letter, to ask her the following questions:

What happens next?
Do I or my doctors need to do anything?
Has my name been added to a waiting list?
How long is that waiting list?

Amazingly I got a response within a couple of hours that kind of answers all my questions and has made me very excited. My GP needs to refer us to the clinic of our choice, along with the letter of approval from the PCT then, the clinic will contact us as soon as possible to arrange our first appointment.

She advised me to make an appointment with my GP to discuss the above. I've got an appointment tomorrow morning (again this is amazing because you usually have to book about two weeks in advance to see my doctor).

I'm so excited because, to me, it sounds like there is no waiting list and that we will receive treatment pretty much as soon as the clinic can fit us in. I really, really hope that this is the case. I had it in my head that we would be waiting at least a year to receive treatment. Things feel pretty good at the moment. Let's hope that the doctors appointment goes as well tomorrow.

Wishing I had kept my big mouth shut

I never really thought that long and hard about whether to tell people about our infertility or not. For the majority I think it kind of just happened.

I don't mind my University friends knowing. They are now all mothers but there was a time when it was hot conversation because we were all trying. We were all trying, they fell pregnant, I was still trying, they had their first babies, I was still trying, they had their second babies. Now they are so busy with their family that they don't tend to make contact much so I can cope with that. In addition to that they live quite far away so I don't see them all that often.

D's family don't know a great deal about our situation so there is no real problem there.

The problem is my family. My sister has known from day dot because we are like twins, we share everything. My other sister, I don't talk to her unless I have to. How much does she know about my infertility? Probably everything that my mum knows because she will not have been able to keep it to herself. My mum would have also told her friends and her sisters, I am pretty sure of that. My mum only knows about the last year or so. I can't quite remember how it all came about with telling her but she is one person that I wish I hadn't told. I don't mean that in a horrible way and she hasn't done anything to make me feel this way, it's just me, I'm finding the whole thing really uncomfortable and a tiny bit suffocating.I think I mentioned it in passing one day and she told me that her and my dad had assumed that D and I had decided not to have children. After that there was always questions about doctors appointments, hospital appointments etc. My doctors is in their village so it is very difficult to do appointments without being seen by somebody.

I know that I sound ungrateful and that I should be thankful that I have the support of my family. I can't help the way I feel. D and I are quite private people and I really don't want anybody, bar my sister and friend at work, knowing when we are doing IVF. I just don't think that I will be able to cope with all the attention, questions, tears etc. I'm thinking that I will tell them that the waiting list is longer than what it is and just not saying anything when we do get the go ahead. Is that mean of me? I feel mean but I have to think about my sanity.

The letter is in...

It was waiting for me when I got home on Friday.

We have been approved for one cycle of IVF/ICSI on the NHS. I am so excited.

Not sure where we go from here. I think I will now have to phone the doctors to see what happens next. It would have been so much easier if they had included that in the letter. I'm desperate to know what the waiting list is like, are we talking 6 months, a year?! Please don't let it be longer than a year!

D and I opened a bottle of Champagne to celebrate, it felt good to finally be taking a step forward. This whole year has been a waiting game, we have been waiting for a decision on funding since June and I was beginning to go slightly crazy.

Some good news at last.

A break

I'm back from a two week break abroad.

Although the holiday was needed, appreciated and enjoyed it gave me lots of time to think. In fact, it gave me too much time. I spent a lot of time thinking about not being pregnant, not being able to get pregnant, whether my friend (who was due with her second child whilst we were away) was in labour, my friend's news that she had had a baby boy, how our holiday would be if we had a child with us, not hearing from the PCT, convincing myself that there would be a letter waiting for us from the PCT on our return and how much I just want to get on and start IVF. So, the holiday was a relaxing break from work, life, commitments but it was not a break from infertility.

Owing to the over thinking on the infertility side I have come back to England exhausted by the whole ttc process. To top it off, it is cold, wet and windy in England and, as expected, we didn't have that elusive letter waiting for us.

So we continue to wait and I am being a total chicken about phoning the doctors again. I can't believe how many times I have called to chase this. The last phone call I had with the doctors was just before we went away. I was so distracted by the attitude that was coming through the practice managers tone of voice that I can't remember how we left it. Was I meant to call when I got back off holiday? No, I think she was meant to call if she had any news. No phonecall, no news? I know I should call them but every day I think today is the day that the letter will arrive.

It is driving me insane.

Very small steps

Yesterday I went back to my doctor. I wanted to talk to her about the NHS funding issue as it had been her who had originally informed me that there was funding, that we met the criteria and that she would refer me to the consultant. My doctor is lovely, she really takes the time to listen and yesterday was no exception. I didn't think that she would be able to help with the NHS funding issue I mainly went because I wanted to know what my FSH levels had been in January 08. Egg sharing requires that you meet certain criteria and having FSH levels less than 8.0 IU/I is one of them. My FSH levels from January 08 was 7.8.

Whilst talking to the doctor it emerged that the practice that I am registered at actually comes under the neighbouring primary care trust (PCT) so there is the possibility that there may be funding with them. The lovely doctor is going to look into it and, if there is, she is going to recommend that we are considered for funding. Although this is good news it does raise a number of issues that we will now have to consider, these include:

1. The timescale of the possibility of NHS funding - it will take at least 6 weeks for a panel to decide whether D and I can be given fertility treatment on the NHS.
2. The waiting list for NHS fertility treatment - if we are approved we will be placed on a waiting list. The length of time on a waiting list could range from 6 months (who am I kidding) to 2 years (probably more like it).
3. Age - I've recently turned 34 so we have just under two years to go down the egg sharing road (which dramatically reduces the cost of IVF) because you have to be under 36.
4. We have said that we will have two attempts at this and then walk away. If we wait for the NHS funding I will be too old to be able to do egg sharing so the second attempt (yes, I'm talking second attempts because I really don't believe that it will work for us first time) will be a full paid attempt.
5. If we go down the egg sharing route but it doesn't work, will we still be eligible for NHS funding?

OK, I'm starting to send myself a little stir crazy now. There is just so much to consider. I hate situations like this. I know that it is a good thing that we may still be able to get funding for this but, part of me just wants to get on with it now. I had got it in to my head that we would be doing some form of treatment before the end of the year and if we wait for the NHS to make the decision and then plonk us on a waiting list we will be lucky if it is next year.

Of course, the husband is so laid back about it he is almost horizontal. He is still hoping that we will conceive naturally so the longer it takes us to have treatment the better. I am trying not to push him but I am getting very impatient. Three years is long enough.

So, I'm getting my blood work done again at the doctors which will save us some money and time if we go down the private/egg sharing route. This is going to take up the next three cycles. We have decided which clinic we will go with. I have requested an information pack from the clinic. The doctor is going to find out whether there is a chance of NHS funding. I'm going to try and and not stress about it (which is easier said than done).

There's more....

Mr D and I have just had a week of work together. I was still reeling from the whole poor morphology thing and, as a result, we ended up having a talk. You know the kind of talk, the one where I say everything that has been on my mind for a while. The husband starts to say what is on his mind and then we discover that we are at totally different places. We don't agree and things start to look a whole lot worse than they did before you had the talk.

I have a husband who needs convincing. He isn't one to think too deeply about things. He doesn't worry about things and he definitely isn't one for reading about things. When we were told the morphology numbers I asked the consultant if this could be the reason why we are not conceiving. I felt like shit asking the question but I had done my research and knew that there was a problem. The consultant said that it could be but that they would have to do other tests on me to be sure. I never told the husband about my concerns over the morphology, until recently. He feels like a failure, that he can't give me the one thing that I want. I keep trying to reassure him that we are in this together and that it doesn't matter whether it is him, me or both of us. I know that he will get over it and that we will move on but during our talk last week he said that he didn't want to do IVF.

I've known his views on assisted conception for a while. I was hoping that they were changing and deep down I am sure that they will change. I know that it is just a reaction to how he is feeling at the moment and, at the time of our talk, I was very upset and stressed. Now, I'm not so bad. I'm finding that I have other things to stress and worry about but I just needed to get it down in a post. I do feel slightly pissed off that nothing is plain sailing. That there is always some sort of obstacle, battle to be won but deep down I know that Mr D wants a family as much as me. I'm hoping that he just needs time (and to hear it from the horses mouth). So, there will be no more talk on IF until our hospital appointment in June.

Just adopt

Yesterday I had a meeting with a work colleague. This male colleague has been through the whole IVF process due to male factor. They had three IVF attempts of which one was successful, their son is now 5 1/2 years old.

After the meeting we got talking and the subject inevitably went to family and children. They have recently been accepted by the adoption panel and are now awaiting a match with a child. I started to tell him a bit more than I should have about where we are at the moment and where we are heading. I wasn't overly comfortable with sharing this information with him however, I wanted to get some information out of him as he lives in the same county as us and they were lucky enough to get two IVF attempts on the NHS. He gave me some good advice on where to go, if and when, we have to choose a clinic.

I told him that I had just had a procedure which we were hoping was going to improve our chances of conceiving naturally but, if not, we would be referred for assisted conception. That was when he gave the helpful advice. I then said that I wasn't sure whether we would get two attempts at IVF on the NHS but that we would definitely have two attempts and then we would walk away. His response was that if it didn't work then we could just adopt. He said that. Somebody who has been through this IF crap, who has been through IVF and has had to contend with it not working. I couldn't believe that this person had just said those words to me like it was OK that we may not be able to conceive our own child. I responded by telling him that adoption is not something that appeals to me, at this stage, but that it may be something that we would consider once we had been through the assisted conception stage. He said that we should consider adopting because there is nothing more rewarding, enjoyable and fun then having a little person in your life! Arsehole!