Different strokes

After our wedding in November 2000 we came to an agreement that we would alternate Christmas Day between the two families. We kicked off with the in-laws which, although bearable, became a little stressful by the end of the week. I was living in a new county, out of work and a little depressed. Christmas Day rolled into Boxing Day and the next day until eventually we declined the offer to return for any more festive meals.

That first Christmas was an eye opener as it was completely different to the ones that I had experienced for the past 26 years. Christmas at the in-laws means no telly (not even for the Queen's speech), presents not being opened until the evening (when we are all sat in the living room trying to think of things to talk about), drinking alcohol under disapproving looks from the tee-total MIL and, each chocolate eaten being noted (and commented on). Needless to say, it was a long day.

Christmas with my family is completely different. From the atmosphere to the routine, everything just feels so much more relaxed. We get up, we open presents (shock, horror, still in our pyjamas), we eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast, we have our first alcoholic drink at twelve, we eat lunch, we all gather round the telly for the Queen's speech, we drink, we eat, we entertain ourselves, some in the kitchen, others in the lounge and some in the garden smoking.

Two families, two very different Christmas day routines.


This year Christmas Day is to be spent with my family who are all arriving on Christmas Eve and not leaving until the Monday which means that we will not see the in-laws over the Christmas weekend. To soften the blow with the in-laws we arranged a pre-Christmas dinner for the weekend before which, for a Strictly Come Dancing fan, was very bad timing.

Round one of Christmas has been completed, we now only have to contend with the chaos of 4 couples, two teenagers, a cat and a jack russell!

Wishing I had kept my big mouth shut

I never really thought that long and hard about whether to tell people about our infertility or not. For the majority I think it kind of just happened.

I don't mind my University friends knowing. They are now all mothers but there was a time when it was hot conversation because we were all trying. We were all trying, they fell pregnant, I was still trying, they had their first babies, I was still trying, they had their second babies. Now they are so busy with their family that they don't tend to make contact much so I can cope with that. In addition to that they live quite far away so I don't see them all that often.

D's family don't know a great deal about our situation so there is no real problem there.

The problem is my family. My sister has known from day dot because we are like twins, we share everything. My other sister, I don't talk to her unless I have to. How much does she know about my infertility? Probably everything that my mum knows because she will not have been able to keep it to herself. My mum would have also told her friends and her sisters, I am pretty sure of that. My mum only knows about the last year or so. I can't quite remember how it all came about with telling her but she is one person that I wish I hadn't told. I don't mean that in a horrible way and she hasn't done anything to make me feel this way, it's just me, I'm finding the whole thing really uncomfortable and a tiny bit suffocating.I think I mentioned it in passing one day and she told me that her and my dad had assumed that D and I had decided not to have children. After that there was always questions about doctors appointments, hospital appointments etc. My doctors is in their village so it is very difficult to do appointments without being seen by somebody.

I know that I sound ungrateful and that I should be thankful that I have the support of my family. I can't help the way I feel. D and I are quite private people and I really don't want anybody, bar my sister and friend at work, knowing when we are doing IVF. I just don't think that I will be able to cope with all the attention, questions, tears etc. I'm thinking that I will tell them that the waiting list is longer than what it is and just not saying anything when we do get the go ahead. Is that mean of me? I feel mean but I have to think about my sanity.

Not so secret

I'm quite a private person. In fact, D and I are quite a private couple. We don't have a set of close friends, we just have friends that we see from time to time. These friends don't know about our problems with ttc.

The majority of people who do know about our problems with ttc are my friends and my family. I suppose it is a woman thing, we like to talk and we like to share problems and get advice. There are a small number of friends who know because they have been through it themselves. Then there are the friends who have families and know because there was the question of whether we were trying for a family, replying two and a half years ago that we were ttc means that they know but may not know all the details.


Then there's the family. I told my sister because we are very close and we share everything. I didn't mention anything to my parents until I went to the doctors and started having the blood tests (about a year ago). My parents live in the same village as us, go to the same doctors and knew that I was going on a regular basis so my mum asked what was wrong. I told her. The moment I told her I wished I could take it back. The main reason was her response, she said that all we probably needed to do was relax. My own mother said that! I couldn't believe it. I know that she meant well and that she just didn't know what to say for the best, but really.

Another year on and I'm really starting to wish that I hadn't told so many people. I know that it is good to have the support of those around you but I think that most of the time they don't know how to deal with it or what to say. They just don't seem to get it.