Wishing I had kept my big mouth shut

I never really thought that long and hard about whether to tell people about our infertility or not. For the majority I think it kind of just happened.

I don't mind my University friends knowing. They are now all mothers but there was a time when it was hot conversation because we were all trying. We were all trying, they fell pregnant, I was still trying, they had their first babies, I was still trying, they had their second babies. Now they are so busy with their family that they don't tend to make contact much so I can cope with that. In addition to that they live quite far away so I don't see them all that often.

D's family don't know a great deal about our situation so there is no real problem there.

The problem is my family. My sister has known from day dot because we are like twins, we share everything. My other sister, I don't talk to her unless I have to. How much does she know about my infertility? Probably everything that my mum knows because she will not have been able to keep it to herself. My mum would have also told her friends and her sisters, I am pretty sure of that. My mum only knows about the last year or so. I can't quite remember how it all came about with telling her but she is one person that I wish I hadn't told. I don't mean that in a horrible way and she hasn't done anything to make me feel this way, it's just me, I'm finding the whole thing really uncomfortable and a tiny bit suffocating.I think I mentioned it in passing one day and she told me that her and my dad had assumed that D and I had decided not to have children. After that there was always questions about doctors appointments, hospital appointments etc. My doctors is in their village so it is very difficult to do appointments without being seen by somebody.

I know that I sound ungrateful and that I should be thankful that I have the support of my family. I can't help the way I feel. D and I are quite private people and I really don't want anybody, bar my sister and friend at work, knowing when we are doing IVF. I just don't think that I will be able to cope with all the attention, questions, tears etc. I'm thinking that I will tell them that the waiting list is longer than what it is and just not saying anything when we do get the go ahead. Is that mean of me? I feel mean but I have to think about my sanity.

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

Last night I went to the cinema to see the Time Traveller's Wife. I've read the book, which I thought was great and the film was equally as good. I went with my book group, well four members of the book group. I had had a stinker of a day. My head had been pounding since three and all I really wanted to do with go home to bed.

Anyway, the point of my post is this - in the book/film they struggle to have a baby and, after numerous miscarriages, Henry (the time traveller) decides to have a vasectomy. He doesn't want to put his wife through any more miscarriages and he is worried that they are putting her life at risk. He doesn't tell her about the vasectomy until after he has had it. Luckily for her, Henry is a time traveller so, when she goes to meet a younger him who has time travelled to the future they end up having sex and she ends up conceiving.

At this point my friend turns to me and says something. I didn't quite catch it so I asked her to repeat it. She said it again and, although I didn't quite catch it again, I got the gist of it and was not particularly happy.

When the film ended she turned to me and said that she had said during the film....

"If only you could do that and go back to when D's sperm was better quality" and then laughed.

I'm hoping that my face conveyed what I was feeling. I just stared at her and then turned away but what I wanted to say was:

"I'm sorry, was that meant to be funny?! When did it become acceptable to laugh at the fact that we can't have children? Do you find it funny that we are going to have to pay a lot of money to have a chance of having a baby?"

But of course I didn't. I chickened out. Did she know that she had upset me? I doubt it.

Am I in the wrong? Am I being too sensitive? I'm starting to think that I have told too many people what is going on in our life. Not one of them truly understand and I am getting sick of talking to people who just don't get it. If there was one thing that I could change about this whole shit situation, it would be that I had kept my gob shut.

Babies, babies everywhere

I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I WILL NOT LET PMT TAKE CONTROL OF MY MIND AND BODY. I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I WILL NOT LET PMT TAKE CONTROL OF MY MIND AND BODY.

The weekend wasn’t so hard and, at the moment, the mood swings and stomach craps are bearable. Life is so cruel though, if it isn’t bad enough that you have to fight against a depression every day it decides to chuck yet another pregnancy announcement at you. Another unexpected pregnancy announcement. Surely this will get better. I just need friends and colleagues to get beyond the procreation stage. I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I have to remain positive for my own sanity.

Anyway, I digress. The weekend spent with two 8 month pregnant friends (whose due dates are literally days apart which was, believe it or not, the same with their first pregnancy) and a friend who has been trying to conceive baby number two since May last year was OK. I went away with the mindset that these poor friends would not be able to do anything right and, although there was a couple of sticky moments when I felt a tad uncomfortable, it felt good to catch up with them. The two uncomfortable moments came when we were talking about finding out the sex of the babies and one of them asked me whether I would find out the sex of my baby. I nearly choked when she asked me and I really didn’t want to answer because I’m trying to get into the mindset that this isn’t going to happen for us. Of course I answered and I also answered the second question about baby names. To be honest with you, it was good to be included in the conversation, I’m sure I would have been more unhappy if they hadn’t asked me. They also asked me a lot about where we are, in terms of doctor’s appointments / treatment etc as well as how the HSG and laparoscopy went. So, all in all, it was OK.

If you hadn’t already gathered, I am approaching another cycle and although it is very much in the forefront of my mind, I am trying to take a step back from the whole cycle thing. I have been so weighed down by my cycle. I spend the week before I am due dreading the arrival of a period that will make me feel so ill and unhappy so this month I am fighting back.

Not so secret

I'm quite a private person. In fact, D and I are quite a private couple. We don't have a set of close friends, we just have friends that we see from time to time. These friends don't know about our problems with ttc.

The majority of people who do know about our problems with ttc are my friends and my family. I suppose it is a woman thing, we like to talk and we like to share problems and get advice. There are a small number of friends who know because they have been through it themselves. Then there are the friends who have families and know because there was the question of whether we were trying for a family, replying two and a half years ago that we were ttc means that they know but may not know all the details.


Then there's the family. I told my sister because we are very close and we share everything. I didn't mention anything to my parents until I went to the doctors and started having the blood tests (about a year ago). My parents live in the same village as us, go to the same doctors and knew that I was going on a regular basis so my mum asked what was wrong. I told her. The moment I told her I wished I could take it back. The main reason was her response, she said that all we probably needed to do was relax. My own mother said that! I couldn't believe it. I know that she meant well and that she just didn't know what to say for the best, but really.

Another year on and I'm really starting to wish that I hadn't told so many people. I know that it is good to have the support of those around you but I think that most of the time they don't know how to deal with it or what to say. They just don't seem to get it.