Different strokes

After our wedding in November 2000 we came to an agreement that we would alternate Christmas Day between the two families. We kicked off with the in-laws which, although bearable, became a little stressful by the end of the week. I was living in a new county, out of work and a little depressed. Christmas Day rolled into Boxing Day and the next day until eventually we declined the offer to return for any more festive meals.

That first Christmas was an eye opener as it was completely different to the ones that I had experienced for the past 26 years. Christmas at the in-laws means no telly (not even for the Queen's speech), presents not being opened until the evening (when we are all sat in the living room trying to think of things to talk about), drinking alcohol under disapproving looks from the tee-total MIL and, each chocolate eaten being noted (and commented on). Needless to say, it was a long day.

Christmas with my family is completely different. From the atmosphere to the routine, everything just feels so much more relaxed. We get up, we open presents (shock, horror, still in our pyjamas), we eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast, we have our first alcoholic drink at twelve, we eat lunch, we all gather round the telly for the Queen's speech, we drink, we eat, we entertain ourselves, some in the kitchen, others in the lounge and some in the garden smoking.

Two families, two very different Christmas day routines.


This year Christmas Day is to be spent with my family who are all arriving on Christmas Eve and not leaving until the Monday which means that we will not see the in-laws over the Christmas weekend. To soften the blow with the in-laws we arranged a pre-Christmas dinner for the weekend before which, for a Strictly Come Dancing fan, was very bad timing.

Round one of Christmas has been completed, we now only have to contend with the chaos of 4 couples, two teenagers, a cat and a jack russell!

A whole load of emotion

I would never have predicted the variety of emotions I would be experiencing following approval for treatment on the NHS. Even though the decision is well overdue and I am ecstatic to finally be moving on to the next stage, I have found the whole thing very scary and emotional. I have, however, been reassured by other IF bloggers about to embark on IVF for the first time posting similar fears, concerns and excitement, it makes me realise that everything that I am going through is normal or as normal as it can be.

Surprisingly, this last week I have been experiencing waves of anger similarly to when we first started going through this. I think it is the anticipation of what we have to come, mixed with the thought of yet another Christmas without a family. It's weird because I am aware of it and I know that it is irrational but I can't stop feeling angry that friends were able to have a family without having to go through what we will be going through in February/March/April. I know that this anger will pass, that as the date of our first consultation approaches it will change to excitement, fear, anticipation, optimism, pessimism, hope, and either relief, happiness and joy or sadness and despair.

Our initial consultation is on 1 February which, when I received the letter, felt like a lifetime away. Now, it doesn't feel too bad. Yes, I am keen to get started and I would do it tomorrow if I could but, realistically, February is a good date. It gives us time to detox after Christmas and time really will fly by I am sure.

From very merry to mardy arse

I have been in a complete mardy since Sunday.

I should be happy, things are finally moving forward but I just can't seem to shift the dark cloud that has descended. This dark cloud is an accumulation of things that are bothering me at the moment. I know that I am stressing unnecessarily, that I should take each day as it comes and, I am sure that in a couple of days things will look different again but, at this particular moment in time I am stressing over the following (in no particular order):

1. My weight - I am putting on weight which means that I am losing control. I hate not being in control, I hate it when I start to put on weight because I enter that vicious circle of getting depressed, eating because I am depressed and putting on weight because I am eating thus getting more depressed. I need to take control but I have so many meals / evening out lined up that it just isn't going to happen this side of Christmas. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and Christmas really is the worst time of the year for someone like me.

2. Our first appointment - the 1 Feb which really isn't that far away however, I appear to have lost any ability to wait so it feels like an eternity. I know that it means that I can relax at Christmas, yes I can even have a drink and I will still (thankfully) have a whole month to detox. But, I had got it in my head that there was every possibility that we could have a child in 2010, now it is not going to be 2010 and 2011 is definitely an eternity!

3. Our IVF is on the NHS - which is great but, the fact that we are limited to one single embryo transfer, has convinced me that it is not going to work. The number of people I have heard of who had a positive pregnancy and live birth on their first attempt at IVF all had two embryos transferred. I really am trying to be positive but really, the likelihood of one embryo taking on a first attempt of IVF, quite slim.

4. Scared - I'm scared of what starting this IVF cycle means. If this doesn't work then we are one step closer to closing this chapter of our life. Although I am thinking about the what if in a positive sense I am also thinking about the what if in a negative sense. I'm also scared of the whole IVF process but I think that the frustration of waiting and the feeling that February is a life time away is currently shading this fear.

I am also pissed off that this year saw the addition of 6, yes 6 new names (babies) to my Christmas card list. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards and, like every other year, it was depressing that the people I am writing to have increased in size and I'm still signing off with just the two of us. Tits, arse, bum, poo, bollocks, wank...

Still excited

So the doctors appointment lasted a total of ten minutes. I told her what she needed to do and which clinic we would like to be referred to. Hark at me telling the doctor what needed to be done! She said that they get so many rejections for funding that she was so pleased when she read our letter of approval. I feel special. It really is great news that we have been given this opportunity on the NHS.

So now all we have to do is wait for an appointment from the clinic. Easy. At least it should be easy but I am going crazy. I just want to start tomorrow. Give me an appointment at midnight and I would take it. It has taken us a whole year to get to this stage. A whole year of waiting, no treatments, no testing (bar the tests for STI), no monitoring. Suddenly I am having dreams about being pregnant, about having a baby. My hopes have been accelerated out of all proportion. I'm back in 2006 when we embarked on this journey, I'm excited and happy and thinking that this could actually happen for us.

A very happy Secret D

Today I am very excited. Yesterday I was really pissed off and stressed. Here's why...

Yesterday I phoned the Practice Manager (for what it was worth) to ask what happens next. Not a difficult question but one that she, apparently, has never been asked before. After a lengthy discussion it was left that I would contact the consultant's PA to get the referral letter sent to the clinic of our choice. I wasn't entirely convinced that this was the route to take as, how would the clinic know that my IVF is being funded by the NHS? I did ask her this question but she seemed adamant that the ball was in my court.

Today I emailed (I couldn't face phoning) the woman from the PCT, who had sent the letter, to ask her the following questions:

What happens next?
Do I or my doctors need to do anything?
Has my name been added to a waiting list?
How long is that waiting list?

Amazingly I got a response within a couple of hours that kind of answers all my questions and has made me very excited. My GP needs to refer us to the clinic of our choice, along with the letter of approval from the PCT then, the clinic will contact us as soon as possible to arrange our first appointment.

She advised me to make an appointment with my GP to discuss the above. I've got an appointment tomorrow morning (again this is amazing because you usually have to book about two weeks in advance to see my doctor).

I'm so excited because, to me, it sounds like there is no waiting list and that we will receive treatment pretty much as soon as the clinic can fit us in. I really, really hope that this is the case. I had it in my head that we would be waiting at least a year to receive treatment. Things feel pretty good at the moment. Let's hope that the doctors appointment goes as well tomorrow.

Wishing I had kept my big mouth shut

I never really thought that long and hard about whether to tell people about our infertility or not. For the majority I think it kind of just happened.

I don't mind my University friends knowing. They are now all mothers but there was a time when it was hot conversation because we were all trying. We were all trying, they fell pregnant, I was still trying, they had their first babies, I was still trying, they had their second babies. Now they are so busy with their family that they don't tend to make contact much so I can cope with that. In addition to that they live quite far away so I don't see them all that often.

D's family don't know a great deal about our situation so there is no real problem there.

The problem is my family. My sister has known from day dot because we are like twins, we share everything. My other sister, I don't talk to her unless I have to. How much does she know about my infertility? Probably everything that my mum knows because she will not have been able to keep it to herself. My mum would have also told her friends and her sisters, I am pretty sure of that. My mum only knows about the last year or so. I can't quite remember how it all came about with telling her but she is one person that I wish I hadn't told. I don't mean that in a horrible way and she hasn't done anything to make me feel this way, it's just me, I'm finding the whole thing really uncomfortable and a tiny bit suffocating.I think I mentioned it in passing one day and she told me that her and my dad had assumed that D and I had decided not to have children. After that there was always questions about doctors appointments, hospital appointments etc. My doctors is in their village so it is very difficult to do appointments without being seen by somebody.

I know that I sound ungrateful and that I should be thankful that I have the support of my family. I can't help the way I feel. D and I are quite private people and I really don't want anybody, bar my sister and friend at work, knowing when we are doing IVF. I just don't think that I will be able to cope with all the attention, questions, tears etc. I'm thinking that I will tell them that the waiting list is longer than what it is and just not saying anything when we do get the go ahead. Is that mean of me? I feel mean but I have to think about my sanity.

The letter is in...

It was waiting for me when I got home on Friday.

We have been approved for one cycle of IVF/ICSI on the NHS. I am so excited.

Not sure where we go from here. I think I will now have to phone the doctors to see what happens next. It would have been so much easier if they had included that in the letter. I'm desperate to know what the waiting list is like, are we talking 6 months, a year?! Please don't let it be longer than a year!

D and I opened a bottle of Champagne to celebrate, it felt good to finally be taking a step forward. This whole year has been a waiting game, we have been waiting for a decision on funding since June and I was beginning to go slightly crazy.

Some good news at last.

A break

I'm back from a two week break abroad.

Although the holiday was needed, appreciated and enjoyed it gave me lots of time to think. In fact, it gave me too much time. I spent a lot of time thinking about not being pregnant, not being able to get pregnant, whether my friend (who was due with her second child whilst we were away) was in labour, my friend's news that she had had a baby boy, how our holiday would be if we had a child with us, not hearing from the PCT, convincing myself that there would be a letter waiting for us from the PCT on our return and how much I just want to get on and start IVF. So, the holiday was a relaxing break from work, life, commitments but it was not a break from infertility.

Owing to the over thinking on the infertility side I have come back to England exhausted by the whole ttc process. To top it off, it is cold, wet and windy in England and, as expected, we didn't have that elusive letter waiting for us.

So we continue to wait and I am being a total chicken about phoning the doctors again. I can't believe how many times I have called to chase this. The last phone call I had with the doctors was just before we went away. I was so distracted by the attitude that was coming through the practice managers tone of voice that I can't remember how we left it. Was I meant to call when I got back off holiday? No, I think she was meant to call if she had any news. No phonecall, no news? I know I should call them but every day I think today is the day that the letter will arrive.

It is driving me insane.

An award...

...and a somewhat late response owing to reason below.

Thanks to the Sassy Infertile Lady for the award.

Why can I never upload images?! There is meant to be a picture with this award but I'll be damned if I can upload it!!

Rules
1. You Can Only Use One Word!
2. Pass this along to 6 [any] of your favorite bloggers
3. Alert them that you have given them this award!
4. Have Fun!

The Fun Part
1. Where is your cell phone? Table
2. Your hair? Brown
3. Your mother? Lovely
4. Your father? Adorable
5. Your favorite food? Chips
6. Your dream last night? Work
7. Your favorite drink? Wine
8. Your dream/goal? Babies
9. What room are you in? Hall
10. Your hobby? Shopping
11. Your fear? Death
12. Where do you want to be in 6 years? Mother
13. Where were you last night? Home
14. Something that you aren’t? Pregnant
15. Muffins? Chocolate
16. Wish list item? Health
17. Where did you grow up? Surrey
18. Last thing you did? Washing
19. What are you wearing? PJs
20. Your TV? Big
21. Your pets? Cat
22. Friends? Lost
23. Your life? OK
24. Your mood? Thankful
25. Missing someone? Sister
26. Vehicle? Beetle
27. Something you’re not wearing? Bra
28. Your favorite store? Next
29. Your favorite color? Blue
30. When was the last time you laughed? Today
31. Last time you cried? Friday
32. Your best friend? Husband
33. One place that I go to over and over? Parents
34. One person who emails me regularly? Caroline
35. Favorite place to eat? Pub

Recipients
Bubba at A day in the life of...
Caroline at Mini monk maker
BeeBee at The many faces of BeeBee

Hacked off?

Last Sunday I finally managed to log on to my G.oogle Reader only to find that somebody had posted on my blog! I initially thought that my blog had been hacked but it turns out that my email account had been hacked and somebody had sent an email to all my contacts, of which my blog is one. It felt weird thinking that somebody had managed to access something that was mine. I felt a bit violated, like somebody had been sifting through my knicker drawer!

I haven't blogged much in October and that is simply because I don't really have anything to say. Still waiting to hear about the decision of the PCT. I will chase it this week. Things have been crazy at work and, as a result, I have found myself working late and sometimes carrying on late into the night which is most unlike me.

Unbelievably we only have one week left until we fly off to Cyprus. October seems to have passed me by and, with two weeks away in November, I am sure that I will feel the same way this time next month. Still, that is not a bad thing. This year has been all about the waiting so the quicker it goes the better.

It pays to persevere

So my follow-up call on Tuesday resulted in the receptionist telling me that the Practice Manager (PM) was in a meeting and could I call back tomorrow at the same time.

Wednesday - I called at 4.45pm from my car only to be told that the PM was in with the doctor so could she call me back. I was just about to drive home, I didn't want her to call whilst I was driving and anyway, I don't know my mobile number and calling from it meant that I was unable to look it up so I reluctantly told the receptionist that I would call back tomorrow (Thursday).

It was whilst driving home that I realised that I would be passing the doctors so, if I made it in time, I could pop in to see whether the PM was still around. So this is what I did. The receptionist phoned the PM and told her that I had popped in in the hope of having a word with her. I know the receptionist (she used to be my next door neighbour) and when she got off the phone she pulled a face as if to say that the manager hadn't been very happy and I pulled a face that said that I was sure that she wasn't.

The PM informed me that she had tried to call the PCT yesterday (Tuesday) but that she hadn't been able to get hold of them and that she hadn't got round to it today because she was busy doing the accounts. She assured me that she would phone them tomorrow (Thursday) and then get back to me.

Thursday came and went with no phone call.

Friday I received a voicemail from the PM asking me to phone her. I immediately called her and was told the following:

The PCT had sent a letter out to the doctors which required a response in 21 days. The doctors had not received this letter. Thankfully we are still within the 21 days response (just) so it was a good job that I had chased it up (yes, the practice manager actually said that). There were a couple of things that she wanted to check (height and weight) as the information they had was quite old now (yes, because this has been going on for nearly two years now). I said that my weight would have changed and she said that she was pleased to hear that because the last weight they had me down as had my BMI at just over 30 and to meet the criteria it had to be under 30. I told her my current weight and she said that it was great, a real good weight loss and in our favour. I explained that that was the main reason for the weight loss (when a doctor recommends something I do it). She asked the husband's weight and I was pleased to be able to tell her that that had also gone down. Phew! We meet the criteria. She then apologised but said that she had to ask the next question. Do you know what it was? Do you and your husband have regular unprotected sex? I laughed and said yes, she was embarrassed and again apologised for asking. I ask you, really, would we be going through all this shit if we could achieve the end goal all on our own with a bit of unprotected sex!

Anyway, the doctor is going to check the paperwork on Monday morning and then they are going to send it off straight away. I think the 21 days deadline is Wednesday or Thursday so let's hope that Royal Mail manages to do its job properly and get it there in time.

The PM said to call her in two weeks if I hadn't received a letter and she would chase it again but she seemed to think that I would get a letter back pretty quickly with their decision.

Fingers crossed!

Exasperated!

Honestly, I sometimes think there is someone out there really testing my patience.

When D and I were originally referred to the hospital for further tests we discovered that the referral hadn't happened and, as a result, wasted four months. Today I phoned the doctors to see whether they had heard anything about our referral to be sponsored by the PCT for further treatment. The practice manager informed me that the time frame for referrals varied depending on when the panel met to discuss said referral. She told me that I could hear anywhere from two days all the way up to six weeks. I informed her that I was aware of this but that it had actually been 12 weeks since my referral.

I'm calling her back tomorrow afternoon to find out the results of her chase. I just know that I am going to be even more pissed off than I am today. No doubt I have not been considered and I will have just missed a panel so will have to wait another six weeks. Really, do I have a black mark against my name or am I just unlucky?! I know that I should feel lucky that a PCT may consider funding us but at this moment in time I am just so fucking frustrated with the wait. This whole year has been nothing but waiting for appointments, letters, news on whether we can get help with moving forward. There has been no real progress and I am starting to get very twitchy.

An old friend

My C.learblue Fertility Monitor has been in my top draw for nearly two years now.

I’m not going to be one of the success stories associated with the monitor but, for some reason, I just can’t shake the habit. It’s strange really because I’ve managed to shake the working out when I would be due if my period didn’t come this month habit, and the it’s three days before my period so let’s just get those pregnancy tests out and test early habit but, the monitor, the monitor has remained a companion throughout this journey.

I think it is the need to feel like I am doing something each cycle (other than the obvious) to try and get a positive. I remember the day I got my monitor. I had spent a long time researching them, trying to find one on e.bay that was cheaper than those in the shops. I eventually found one at a price that I was willing to pay and so the order was placed and the monitor was required ASAP. I wanted to start it on my next cycle, I couldn’t possibly wait another month (time was short, I wanted a baby and I wanted it as soon as). We were off to the Lake District and I wanted to start peeing on sticks whilst we were away. There was a belief that the help of the monitor, combined with a relaxing holiday, was all that was needed.

The monitor came in time. Sticks were bought and our hopes were high. That was November 2007. September 2009 and I am still friends with my monitor. It may not have delivered the goods but I can’t really blame it, after all, there are other factors involved. I no longer use it every month. I’ve got to know when I am ovulating without the need of a machine to confirm it but occasionally I will turn it on, reset it and place a certain amount of hope in it.

Block

I'm struggling to write at the moment.

There are a number of reasons for this, block.

The first and most important one is that I am crazy busy at work at the moment. My lunch break is usually my blog time but just recently I have been working through my lunches. It's that bad that I haven't even had time to Internet shop, although hopefully this will mean that my bank balance is looking healthy!

The second is that there is nothing happening in my life at the moment, really, absolutely nothing.

And thirdly, I'm worried that this diary isn't such a secret anymore. I usually blog at work, in an open plan office and occasionally the great big title that appears across the screen when composing a post is visible to others. I know, I only have myself to blame, blah, blah, blah but I'm usually very careful, it's just that a couple of times that screen has opened up when it shouldn't have, causing me to fly in to a panic, get very flustered and close it down but not before a colleague has had an eyeful.

The best way to combat the depression that sets in on the second part of the two week wait:

1. Go out to lunch,
2. Eat chips (even though you are meant to be on a diet),
3. Buy lots of things that you don't really need,
4. Drink alcohol,
5. Eat more bad food (including another portion of chips - mmmmm, I love the chips),
6. Watch crap telly,
7. Drink even more alcohol,
8. Crawl into bed.

Getting impatient...again

Yep, I have had enough of waiting. I want to move on to the next stage NOW. But of course, we can't, not just yet. I need to get through the next two months at work, which are going to be horrendous, then we are off on holiday and then we can begin.

I'm back at the doctors tomorrow to discuss the results of my recent round of FSH blood tests. I'm pretty sure that we will no longer be eligible for egg sharing. Not really sure why I had to make an appointment to see her and I'm sure that it will be a waste of time but it'll be good to find out whether they have heard from the neighbouring PCT. Although I am not holding out much hope for that.

I got my HIV result via text today and I am pleased to say that it was negative. It's good to have it confirmed. I went for a re-test last Wednesday. What a nightmare. Apparently they don't do tests for fertility treatment, they are 'a preventative and treatment clinic' not a freebie for those who are trying to get knocked up. After the lecture she told me that she would write something on my notes to say that I consent to them giving out my results to a fertility clinic and then I had to sign. I'm pretty sure that we will have to have the tests repeated and will have to pay for the privilege but, I'm really not bothered anymore. I just want to get on with it.

With friends like this, who needs enemies?

Last night I went to the cinema to see the Time Traveller's Wife. I've read the book, which I thought was great and the film was equally as good. I went with my book group, well four members of the book group. I had had a stinker of a day. My head had been pounding since three and all I really wanted to do with go home to bed.

Anyway, the point of my post is this - in the book/film they struggle to have a baby and, after numerous miscarriages, Henry (the time traveller) decides to have a vasectomy. He doesn't want to put his wife through any more miscarriages and he is worried that they are putting her life at risk. He doesn't tell her about the vasectomy until after he has had it. Luckily for her, Henry is a time traveller so, when she goes to meet a younger him who has time travelled to the future they end up having sex and she ends up conceiving.

At this point my friend turns to me and says something. I didn't quite catch it so I asked her to repeat it. She said it again and, although I didn't quite catch it again, I got the gist of it and was not particularly happy.

When the film ended she turned to me and said that she had said during the film....

"If only you could do that and go back to when D's sperm was better quality" and then laughed.

I'm hoping that my face conveyed what I was feeling. I just stared at her and then turned away but what I wanted to say was:

"I'm sorry, was that meant to be funny?! When did it become acceptable to laugh at the fact that we can't have children? Do you find it funny that we are going to have to pay a lot of money to have a chance of having a baby?"

But of course I didn't. I chickened out. Did she know that she had upset me? I doubt it.

Am I in the wrong? Am I being too sensitive? I'm starting to think that I have told too many people what is going on in our life. Not one of them truly understand and I am getting sick of talking to people who just don't get it. If there was one thing that I could change about this whole shit situation, it would be that I had kept my gob shut.

The day I nearly had a heart attack

Yesterday (Tuesday) I phoned the clinic to try and get the results of the STI tests. A machine told me that test results can only be given out on a Wednesday so I figured that was why I hadn't received my text message.

I relaxed.

Today, I nearly had a heart attack when I checked my phone and discovered that I had a text message from the clinic telling me to call them for my results. The husband didn't have this, the husband had a nice text telling him that all his results were negative.

In the three seconds that it took to read and register that text I was an emotional wreak; crying, shaking and feeling sick. This was it. I was convinced that they were going to tell me that I have HIV.

I calmed down, phoned them and was told that there was nothing to worry about. They couldn't complete all the tests because they didn't have enough blood. (I don't think I mentioned in the clap clinic post that the nurse had struggled to get two vials of blood out of me.) They have managed to test for a number of things but the two things that they couldn't test for were Hepatitis B and HIV.

Great!

I'm going to have to go back for another blood test and then I have the pleasure of waiting another week for the results.

Really, why does everything seem to be taking so long at the moment? I wanted this done and dusted but it has dragged on for nearly two weeks and is likely to drag on for longer because I can't make it to the clinic tonight.

No news is good news?

The husband got a text message on Wednesday saying that his results are negative.

I'm still waiting....

The clap clinic experience

The Clap Clinic (also known as the Centre for Sexual Health (CSH) and, for some god awful reason, also referred to as a GUM clinic in some NHS hospitals) was where the husband and I went last Friday.

It was an interesting experience.

The husband was in a rage about the whole thing. He didn't see the point of it and was not at all happy about having to have a swob test.

Rewind back to when I made the appointment - I asked the nurse whether he would have to have a swob test (because I knew that he really didn't want to have one) and she had said that he would. Being the good wife that I am, I had warned him and told him to refuse it if he was not comfortable with it.


Men, honestly.

The atmosphere in the CSH was as laid back as I thought it would be. The radio was playing and it was all very separate from the main outpatient area. We filled in forms and then I was called into a room by a very matronly looking woman. She was scary but I stood my ground. I am a 34 year old woman and I was not going to be intimidated by her.


Matron: What are you here for?
Me: To be tested for STIs.
Matron: Why?
Me: Because my husband and I are going to be doing IVF and we need to be checked before we can go ahead.

We then went through various personal questions, below are the highlights:

Matron: How long have you been with your current partner?
Me: 11 and a half years.
Matron: Have you had sex with anybody other than your partner during this time?
Me: No.
Matron: When did you last have sex?
Me: Monday.

After my swob and blood was taken I returned to the waiting room and a very nervous looking husband. Now it was his turn. I did laugh a little to myself because I knew that he would be petrified of the matron. Whilst waiting for the husband to return two other [very young] couples entered the clinic. We were so old compared to them.

On the way back to the car we swapped stories. I asked the husband whether he had the swob test and he casually replied that he did. I knew he wouldn't refuse the matron. We discussed the questions and compared answers:

Matron: What are you here for?
The Husband: I don't know, I was told to come.
Matron: Why do you want to be tested for STIs?
The husband: Because we have to be to be able to do IVF.
Matron: How long have you been with your current partner?
The Husband: 12 and a half years.
Matron: Have you had sex with anybody other than your partner during this time?
The Husband: No.
Matron: When did you last have sex?
The Husband: Wednesday.

To be fair, the husband was right on the sex question, I had completely forgotten about that which is obviously no reflection on the performance.

The results will be texted to us in a week.

Blog award - really, me?

I have a blog award, thanks Rambler from My World, My Ramblings. Whilst not a biggy to the fantastic bloggers in the IF blogsphere, this is definitely a biggy to me.

The rules:
Accept the award, post it on your blog together with the name of the person who has granted the award, and his or her blog link. Pass the award to 15 other blogs that you’ve newly discovered. Remember to contact the bloggers to let them know they have been chosen for this award.

I will attempt to pass the award on but I am not sure that I can come up with many bloggers who haven't already received the award. I'll give it a go, let's see how well I do.

1. Bubba at It just takes one - relax and it will happen
2. Mini Monk Maker
3. Nuts in May

I told you that I would struggle. 3 is piss poor. Sorry to not be able to carry this on but Rambler had two people on her list that I would have sent it to and the person that sent it to her would have also been on my list. I really must extend my blog roll.....

STI tests

Lets be frank here, I'm not saying that I was a complete slut when I was younger BUT, and yes that is a very big but, I did have a number [that I don't wish to share with civilised IF bloggers] of [unprotected] sexual encounters with [dodgy] men who could [alarmingly] have been candidates for carrying some nasty STI.

At the time I was young and free and HIV and aids wasn't such a big deal. It is no excuse and I regret it. I know that I was stupid and I have often thought, and told the husband, that we should get tested but, well some things just get left on the back burner until you are forced to face them.

And face them we will. This Friday, although to be exact it will probably be a week Friday because it takes a week to get HIV results back. Yes, I've finally got round to booking us into the Sexual Health Clinic where we will be checked for hepatitis, chlamydia and, most frighteningly of all, HIV. I'm pretty sure that I haven't got chlamydia because they tested me when I first went to the infertility clinic, hepatitis is obviously a worry but I am petrified of HIV. Believe it or not, I have shared this concern with family (my sister whom I tell everything) and friends (work colleagues who know that I am insane and so don't bat an eyelid when I vocalise such concerns) but I believe there is a real possibility that I could have it. Is it just me? Has anybody else had such fears?

Phew! At least we hope it is Phew!

What is it with doctors? My dad went for his biopsy. When he asked the doctor when he could expect the results and where, the doctor flippantly replied "shall we say a month, you come back here?". My dad's face must have dropped because the doctor asked if there was a problem and my dad informed him that he had had 28 days of hell waiting for the biopsy and that he didn't want another 28 days of hell waiting for the results. The doctor then told him that it was nothing to worry about and my dad replied with "well how would I know that?" The doctor then realised his mistake, he had led my dad to believe that it was something serious. He told my dad that he "is almost certain that it is nothing to worry about". Now, that is good news but I am not entirely sure that I am happy with the "almost certain", it would be good to have had the results back to be 100% sure that this thing is benign. I'm not sure that a doctor's word is quite the same. He then went on to say that if they had thought that it was serious they would have had him in earlier and that the results would be back earlier.

Let's hope that the results don't come back early because the doctor's "almost certain" turns out to be wrong.

More waiting

There isn't really a great deal to report. I've started my period so bang goes another cycle. We still haven't heard from the PCT about whether they will fund us and, I've still to make the STI appointment (yep, putting it off because deep down I am worried that I have some nasty STI).

D and I have agreed that we will make the all important call to the consultant's office in mid November. This seems like the best time as September and October are just manic at work and we are planning on going on holiday the first two weeks of November. Leaving it until then also makes the husband happy because it means that we get a few more attempts in the bedroom rather than in a clinic.

I'm starting to worry about my dad who is going in for his biopsy next Tuesday. Hopefully he will get the results quickly (although there is the whole debate about whether quick results will mean a bad outcome). We are hoping that they don't keep him waiting for longer than a week. My sister is coming up the following week to soften any blow. I need her here as I really don't think I could face any bad news on my own. That sounds like I am convinced that it will be bad news. I'm not. I'm just preparing myself for the 'what if'. We could all do with the next few weeks being out the way.

Brick wall

photo by Per Foreby shared under the Creative Commons Licensing

It seems that everything that I plan at the moment just hits a brick wall. Yesterday I went back to my doctors for my day 21 blood test. When I walked into the nurse's room I asked her if there was any news. I meant any news on whether the neighbouring PCT would fund us but she thought I meant the result of my day 3 blood test. She informed me that the results were back and that they were absolutely fine. I asked her the FSH level and she told me....8.8.

CCCCCCCCRRRRRRRAAAAAAAAAAAAPPPPPPPPPPPPPP!

8.8, it can't be 8.8, it needs to be under 8 for me to be considered on the egg sharing programme.

This isn't crap, this is really fucking shit. I was relying on this route. I had it all planned in my head. This whole crappy infertility thing would have be so much easier to take if we had only paid a couple of thousand of pounds rather than 5-10 thousand to maybe have a baby.

And then, if that wasn't enough crap news I asked her if they had heard from the PCT about funding. She checked my records and said that they hadn't heard about our outcome yet but that she knows that the practice referred four couples and they have received two rejections. So, things aren't looking too good on that front either.

Really, I have just had enough. How many more brick walls are we going to have to hit? Where do we go from here? Well, I'm really not holding out any hope of getting funding from the PCT. I will continue to have my blood tests done (two more cycles), I will book us in to get our STI tests done and then I suppose I will need to make the phone call to the consultant's secretary to request a referral. Then, I suppose we head into the very expensive world of infertility treatment.

The response...

...from the PCT is in!

The letter was long so here are the highlights:

In 2008/09 there was no routine funding of specialist conception they deferred all treatment bar the couples on the existing waiting list who were approaching the upper age limit within the PCT criteria (39+).

In 2009/10 the PCT agreed a phased reintroduction of funding for specialist assisted conception for couples who meet all of the current PCT criteria (check) AND are known to hospital secondary care services (surely they know us, they have been treating us since September 2008) AND where the female is aged 37, 38 or 39 (bugger!).

The hospital who informed me that there was no funding have been told off and I have received an apology on behalf of the registrar who informed you that there was no funding for treatment in June 2009 as this was clearly incorrect. (Is that meant to make me feel better?!)

Apparently there is a mechanism to consider individual cases where a couple do not meet the criteria for funding in 2009/10 and where the GP or hospital consultant feel that there are exceptional circumstances in their case which over-rides the criteria.

Do I have exceptional circumstances? I don't think so. I'm just one of many IF struggling to conceive, there is nothing exceptional about me so my IF journey with this particular PCT is over.

They can stick their NHS funded conception UP THEIR ARSE!

I'm not that angry, I didn't expect my letter to the PCT to miraculously change their mind and place me on a waiting list. It helps having a back up plan. Hopefully I will know either way (next Thursday) whether the neighbouring county has funding and if they will consider our case. If not, we go it alone, spending the small amount of money we made on our house sale in our quest to have a family. I know that we are lucky to have this money but, all I can say is, thank god we eventually sold the house.

I went back to WW and unbelievably I only put on a pound. I seem to have got my eating back under control (day 2 and counting) so let's hope I can shift the last 10lbs to finally get to goal.

In case you are interested, the title picture is the view over our back hedge. Doesn't look like that now though because the Oil Seed Rape flower has died off.

Weighing heavy

My weight is weighing heavy on my mind at the moment. Over the past year I have struggled to gain control over my eating and drinking habit. I have managed to lose over two stone and, as a result I felt fantastic. Note the past tense. I no longer feel fantastic because, over the last few months, my weight has slowly but surely been going up. I’m aware of it. I’m fed up with it. But can I do anything about it? Apparently not.

Tonight it is the moment of truth, after two weeks of non WW attendance (owing to W.imbledon and a date with T.ake That) I am returning to the scales. I’m hoping that the shock of just how much I have put on will knock some sense into me and get me back on track. I know that it is going to be bad because the clothes that I used to feel comfortable in are no longer comfortable. I have no energy, I’m constantly thinking about food and I am fed up that I am letting this control me. I have lost control of the one thing that I can control.

As I hate the NHS and our PCT at the moment I am going to blame this lack of control on them. Talking of my PCT, I finally got round to making that call to them. The call was to set a date by which they have to reply, in writing, to my complaint. I found it a bit bizarre but we agreed a date. So I should have a letter from my PCT by the 14 July telling me what their policy on IVF funding is. How weird is that. I write them a letter and because I don’t give them my phone number they write me a letter asking me to phone them. I phone them and they tell me that they will respond within a certain timeline. Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Thanks

Just a quickie to say thank you for the well wishes for my dad. He is booked in to have a biopsy on 28 July. We are hoping that the fact that it is 4 weeks away means that they don't think that it is anything serious. He should get the results between 1 and 3 weeks. I knew that he would have to wait for another appointment and whilst I am concerned that he is having to worry for the next three weeks I am relieved that they are not rushing him through because then I think we would have something to worry about.

The T.ake That concert was fantastic. I was hoping to get some pictures but my phone decided to die on me.

Thanks WFI for the link on how to fight/appeal for NHS funding for IVF. It was very interesting and it's good to read that I have done the right things in terms of a FOI request (although if I had read this before I requested the information I would have asked for a lot more information than I did) and a letter to the Chief Executive of the PCT. I have received a letter back from the Interim Head of Engagement & Customer Care who wants me to contact them with a telephone number so that they can contact me about my complaint. Apparently it is "usual practice to contact complainants by telephone within five working days to discuss their concerns and agree a plan of action and timescale by which we can resolve the concerns raised."

In other words, they don't wish to put anything in writing. Anyway, finding a time to call is proving difficult as I am at work but I'll keep you posted.

Deja vu

Yesterday I was back at the doctors for my day 3 blood test. They are still waiting to hear from the neighbouring PCT as to whether there is money available for IVF. I'm hoping that they will have had a response by the time I go for my day 21 blood test.

At the moment I feel like we are in limbo. I'm currently getting my blood tests done at the doctors (to save money and journey to expensive private clinic) and I also need to get us an appointment at a g.um clinic to get all the STI tests done (currently putting this off because I have a fear that I will discover that I have some awful STI). Where we go from there depends on what the neighbouring PCT says about funding and just how long the waiting list is. If there is funding and the waiting list isn't too long we will wait (yep, yet more waiting) for NHS funding. If there is no funding or the waiting list is mega long we will phone the consultant to get referred. We're hoping that all of the above will give us a few months to save some money for treatment, although I am still looking at going down the egg sharing route.

I'm really stressed today because my dad is at the hospital. His dentist noticed a rash that could be cancerous so he has been referred to the hospital (within two weeks of it being spotted). I spoke to him last night and asked him if he thought that he would get the results today, he said that he hoped so because he couldn't go on for much longer. I really felt for him because he is obviously very worried but I honestly don't think that he will get the results today. Anyway, fingers crossed that everything is OK.

On a lighter note, I'm off to London tomorrow to see T.ake That. I'm very excited. In all the years that I have been a fan I have never seen them in concert. I was an extra in G.ary Barlow's video for Open Road and spoke to and had my picture taken with the man but this is a first for a concert. It'll also be good to catch up with my Uni friends (the two who had babies recently and the one that is now pregnant) and to meet the new additions to their family.

Dog with a bone

After spending ages writing a post about my experience at the doctors I realised that I had already told you all about it. Seems like I am definitely going crazy. So, I've rehashed the post to just include the bits that are new.

I feel like I am climbing a bit of a mountain at the moment. After my hospital appointment I was mad with the PCT so I emailed and asked, under the F.reedom of Information (FOI) Act, information on funding for IVF for the current financial year and information on the current waiting list. On Monday I received a response. It would seem that my PCT, the PCT that has told me twice that there is no funding for IVF has actually allocated £64,000 this financial year for IVF and that there is currently no waiting list. Now, I'm not naive, I know that just because funding has been allocated does not automatically guarantee that it is available. It may already be allocated but, the fact that they have said that there is no funding, thank you and goodbye has really pissed me off.

What about -

"There's currently no money available but we will put you on a waiting list to be considered at a later date"

OR

"There is funding but it is currently being spent on the existing waiting list"

OR EVEN

"We are not able to add you to the waiting list but if you phone us in 6 months things may have changed"

Nope, none of that. Just a very definite -

"Fuck off - we can't help you"

I'm that pissed off that I have written a letter of complaint to the PCT. In the letter I include the information obtained from the FOI Act as well as other documentation obtained from committee minutes and a recently published survey of IVF provision in England which all state, in writing, that there has been and still is funding (oh, but apparently you have to be 39+ to receive it).

Nothing is ever easy.

And another thing

Yesterday, whilst talking to my lovely doctor I realised a very big mistake that I had made at my initial appointment with the consultant. Get a copy of all the letters that the hospital sends to your GP.

I saw a couple of the letters that had been sent to my doctor yesterday and, for the first time, it stated that we are dealing with MFI. Yes, MALE FACTOR INFERTILITY.

I so could have done with receiving that letter when it was sent. Maybe then the husband would have accepted this by now.

Still, you live and learn and infertility is definitely a very BIG learning curve in more ways than one.

Very small steps

Yesterday I went back to my doctor. I wanted to talk to her about the NHS funding issue as it had been her who had originally informed me that there was funding, that we met the criteria and that she would refer me to the consultant. My doctor is lovely, she really takes the time to listen and yesterday was no exception. I didn't think that she would be able to help with the NHS funding issue I mainly went because I wanted to know what my FSH levels had been in January 08. Egg sharing requires that you meet certain criteria and having FSH levels less than 8.0 IU/I is one of them. My FSH levels from January 08 was 7.8.

Whilst talking to the doctor it emerged that the practice that I am registered at actually comes under the neighbouring primary care trust (PCT) so there is the possibility that there may be funding with them. The lovely doctor is going to look into it and, if there is, she is going to recommend that we are considered for funding. Although this is good news it does raise a number of issues that we will now have to consider, these include:

1. The timescale of the possibility of NHS funding - it will take at least 6 weeks for a panel to decide whether D and I can be given fertility treatment on the NHS.
2. The waiting list for NHS fertility treatment - if we are approved we will be placed on a waiting list. The length of time on a waiting list could range from 6 months (who am I kidding) to 2 years (probably more like it).
3. Age - I've recently turned 34 so we have just under two years to go down the egg sharing road (which dramatically reduces the cost of IVF) because you have to be under 36.
4. We have said that we will have two attempts at this and then walk away. If we wait for the NHS funding I will be too old to be able to do egg sharing so the second attempt (yes, I'm talking second attempts because I really don't believe that it will work for us first time) will be a full paid attempt.
5. If we go down the egg sharing route but it doesn't work, will we still be eligible for NHS funding?

OK, I'm starting to send myself a little stir crazy now. There is just so much to consider. I hate situations like this. I know that it is a good thing that we may still be able to get funding for this but, part of me just wants to get on with it now. I had got it in to my head that we would be doing some form of treatment before the end of the year and if we wait for the NHS to make the decision and then plonk us on a waiting list we will be lucky if it is next year.

Of course, the husband is so laid back about it he is almost horizontal. He is still hoping that we will conceive naturally so the longer it takes us to have treatment the better. I am trying not to push him but I am getting very impatient. Three years is long enough.

So, I'm getting my blood work done again at the doctors which will save us some money and time if we go down the private/egg sharing route. This is going to take up the next three cycles. We have decided which clinic we will go with. I have requested an information pack from the clinic. The doctor is going to find out whether there is a chance of NHS funding. I'm going to try and and not stress about it (which is easier said than done).

My husband is currently visiting Mars

My husband can be very odd at times. Just when I begin to relax and think that he is with me on this, that he gets it, that he has accepted our next course of action, he becomes a total pain in the arse.

It would seem that the husband thought that us going on a NHS waiting list for assisted conception would give us at least another year of trying for a baby the good old fashioned way. Here's how I know (our conversation last Thursday):

Me: Our holiday in November is going to have to be a cheap one (said in my head: because of the need to save for IVF).
Him: It always was only going to be a cheap one. We can't afford to go to the Maldives.
Me: I know we can't afford the Maldives but what I am saying is that we need to get a holiday as cheap as possible.

PAUSE

Me: Anyway, I could be pregnant come November if we do IVF over the next few months.
Him: You could be pregnant in November by conceiving naturally.
Me: Yes, I could be pregnant in November from conceiving naturally (said in my head: but is it really likely? No, because we have been trying it that way for over three years now. You are clearly not with me on this as much as I thought).

So, the husband is still not quite there with the whole being referred to a clinic for assisted conception yet.

When will he accept it? He makes me feel guilty for thinking and talking about assisted conception. I have tried to explain to him that I would love to be surprised by a natural conception but I'm certainly not going to waste another three years of my life, on the off chance that it will happen.

Anyway, the husband is away this week on a male biking holiday (not in Mars), I only hope that he takes this week to think, and get his head around, the whole assisted conception thing.

WFI - I'm not ignoring your questions and concerns over egg sharing but I need a bit more time to read up on the process before I ponder it.

The aftermath

Throughout this journey I have always been grateful for the NHS. There are so many accounts from American IF bloggers who, if not insured, have had to find the funding for their IF treatment. In fact I have always found it quite scary to hear just how much money people have invested in trying to have a baby. In the UK we really are very lucky, (hark at me, not a bitter bone in my body!) although I could have done with being a bit luckier (and actually got some funding!).

Our My plan (if things got to the assisted conception stage) was to have a free go on the NHS and then when if that didn't work we would fund our second (and last) attempt by hopefully going down the egg sharing route (which is cheaper). I'm not concerned about sharing my eggs, in fact I quite like the thought that my eggs may be helping another couple conceive. My only concern with egg sharing is whether I will produce enough and whether they will be of good quality.

Anyway, I'm digressing. Let's get back to the money issue. I'm crap with money. I've never saved for anything in my life. Now the husband, he is fantastic with money. He is a saver. After our hospital appointment we discussed the issue of paying for treatment and my lovely husband said that if we have to pay, we pay. Which is easy for him, as a saver. Not so easy for us as a couple. I fear that he is going to say that we are going to have to save for it. Save! Saving takes time and I want to start treatment as soon as. So now I am worried. I'm worried that we will have to stall the referral. I'm worried about how much it is all going to cost. I'm worried about how we are going to pay for it, and I'm worried that we are going to fall out over the money issue. (In case you hadn't guessed, I'm a worrier, I really do worry about everything).

This morning I worked out how much it would cost us if we were able to go down the egg sharing route and how much it would cost if we ended up having to pay for a full IVF cycle.*

It isn't an extortionate amount of money but it is more than we bargained for (before Tuesday when we were fairly smug that we would get a go on the NHS). I have a small amount of money saved up - would have had more but overspent one month! We very recently purchased a new car (which I can't part with because I absolutely adore it and, if this treatment does not work, I will need some creature comforts and joy). So that just leaves the husband's savings or, some funds from the impending house sale.

Ah! The house. Could that be the answer? I think yes. There are a couple of concerns about the house sale. The first, is that it is going to fall through (quite a biggy), the second is that we don't know exactly how much we are going to be left with (we really didn't make a killing on the sale and then there is the solicitors / estate agents fees etc.) and thirdly, we did have a plan that would have meant staying on the property ladder (sort of). Using some of the house money would change our plans on the house buying front but, at the moment, I think this is a priority. All I need to do now is convince the husband.

Blimey! Tuesday's hospital appointment has really opened up a whole new load of dilemmas which, if I am being honest with you, has left me kind of excited.

*If I don't produce enough eggs or they are not good enough we get the option to revert to a full paying cycle. We need to be prepared for this.

The end of the NHS road

It has been 18 months since I initially went to the doctors. 18 months since the doctor told us that there was funding for IF in our region and that we met the criteria.

It has been 8 months since our initial consultation at the hospital and 6 months after I had the laparoscopy and was informed that, if I did not get pregnant in the next six months, our next step would be assisted conception.

6 months of waiting, hoping and anticipating that we would be moving on to the next stage of our IF journey. 6 months of waiting to be told that, as far as the NHS are concerned, it is the end of the road for us. Of course, we can continue our journey alone and they wish us well.

I was in shock. I had done my research. I had seen documents that stated that our Primary Care Trust (PCT) would pay for one cycle of IVF to couples who meet their criteria. Crikey, I had even seen minutes from a meeting in June 2008 that said that they would focus on offering one cycle of IVF to 39+.

When I mentioned all of the above to the Registrar yesterday (obviously the consultant is too important a person to give us the brush off) she was insistent that there is no funding.

Nope kiddo, it's the end of the road for you two - but don't leave it too long to decide which clinic you want to go to because you have been trying for over three years now.

Yesterday I was distraught. I felt like they had given us hope and then, at the last minute, snatched it away. I was worried that D would definitely not want to pursue assistance if it meant that we had to find the money for it and I felt angry that they had left us hanging for six months.

So now what? Well, now we try and find the money and we go it alone. D and I talked and we are both committed to giving it a go. D isn't against it and I need to do it to get some closure, if nothing else. At the moment we can't afford it but we are going to look into the possibility of egg sharing in the hope of reducing the cost.

This morning I feel positive. I almost feel happy that we have been released from the NHS. Obviously there is the pressure of funds but, now we can decide exactly when we want to proceed with this and which routes we want to take. In saying that, I'm not going to leave it there. I am in the process of writing a letter to our PCT and I will be making an appointment at my doctors to see whether she can shed some light on it.

Crikey!

Less than 24 hours to go until our next hospital appointment.

It has been a very LOOOOOONG wait!

And, just in case I didn't think the hospital appointment was stressful enough, my period has decided to come along for the ride.

Note to self, don't cry in front of Dr Sugar as he will think that you are an over sensitive, over emotional woman who needs counselling!!

Another year older

It was my 34th birthday last Monday.

I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that I am now 34, after all it is just a number. I'm obviously very conscious that I am crawling closer to the dreaded 35 but, as my husband keeps telling me lots of women are having babies in their 40s now. Now, I'm not very receptive to this. It has nothing to do with the women who are in their 40s having babies, it is the fact that I don't want to be having babies when I am in my 40s. I want them now. Correction, I wanted them three years ago but I know that you have to wait for really special things. So I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting.....

Just a quick mention of my hospital appointment next week. The appointment that I have had to wait six months for. I'm dreading it! This is the appointment where the consultant tells us that we will need assisted conception and then he will probably go on to say that the NHS has no funding for said assistance. I'm hoping that in thinking the worst I will be pleasantly surprised. Please, please, please let it be positive.

It's getting boring now

This morning I decided to have a quick look at shove it in your F.acebook to see what wonderful things are happening in people I have encountered friends lives. I was innocently munching on my porridge, minding my own business when I came across the following update:

Super fertile (obviously I have changed her name to protect her identity) is relieved that the 12 week scan went well this morning... baby no.2 is well on the way!!!

BABY NO.2! She has only just popped out BABY NO.1! Well, 8 months ago. Why the rush? Does she think she is getting old so needs to get on with it? I was so tempted to respond with something along those lines but decided against it. After all, I don't want to come across as a bitter and twisted infertile, that would never do. But it was VERY tempting.

The last correspondence we had went along the following lines:

HER: Any news on a family yet? (I told her that we had been trying to conceive for a year when I met up with her just before her wedding).
ME: No, it's looking like assisted conception.
HER: Have you thought of adopting? There are loads of children out there who would love to have you as their mum.
ME: I didn't respond to the adoption comment because I really didn't trust myself but I did think along the following - Oh really, pray tell me where I can find all these children? Are they just roaming the streets? Can I pick? Will they still be warm from the womb?! I know, I'm getting a bit creepy now. I won't go on, you get the gist.

My only comforting thought is that if friends are popping them out left, right and centre, there may come a time (hopefully soon) when these pregnancy announcements stop.

It's good to talk

OK, so it would seem that I finally lost the plot last week. After writing my last post things did go from bad to worse, resulting in a total meltdown on Sunday morning. Mr D and I talked for four hours about everything. I learned a number of things from our talk:

1. I take everything the husband says literally.
2. The husband doesn't mean for everything that he says to be taken literally.
3. I need to talk more. I hold on to my thoughts and fears until I am about ready to explode.
4. TTC is just as hard for the husband.
5. The husband hasn't totally closed the door to assisted conception.

We are going to wait and see what the consultant says at our appointment in June before considering the next stage of our ttc journey. I really did feel like shit yesterday, four hours of on/off crying and releasing emotional baggage is exhausting. Today, I feel so much happier. In fact I think I could go as far to say that I feel the happiest I have felt in a long time. It really is amazing what talking to the husband can do.

My name is Fucking Idiot

In March I went to visit three university friends. Two of the friends were 8 months pregnant with their second child and one of them, my very best friend, the one that I lived with for over five years, was trying for her second baby. Over the weekend she talked to me a lot about her frustration and how difficult the whole ttc process is when it doesn't happen straight away (they conceived their first child before they were ever really trying). She said that she finally understood how I must be feeling and that she really felt for me and wished that I would be the next to conceive. When I asked her how long they had been trying she said that it would be a year in May.

Yep, she really was comparing her 11 months, although it was actually 10 months because she said that they took a month off, to me and the length of time I have been trying to conceive. I let it go because, after all, I know that it is difficult no matter how long you have been trying.

Yesterday, I received an email from her informing me that she is 14 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant the weekend I saw her, yes, it was very early and probably very unlikely that she knew but this news has made me feel very angry and, quite frankly, like a bit of a fucking idiot. Me, [the fucking idiot] listened to her heartache about how not conceiving was putting a strain on their relationship, that she was struggling to cope every month and that she was so fed up that she had stopped popping folic acid. Me, [the fucking idiot] gave her sympathy and encouragement and told her to start taking folic acid again.

If you haven't guessed, the email (read at work yesterday) left me devastated. I fought back tears all day and then, in the car journey on the way home, it all came flooding out. I feel so sad and angry. I'm sad because I really am beginning to feel like this isn't meant for us. And the anger, the anger is beginning to scare me. I'm not angry with her (I know that people need to get on with their lives and really, it isn't anybodies fault that we can't conceive), I'm angry that there are so many people who manage to conceive without any problems and I'm angry that there are so many people who do struggle to conceive. I'm also angry that Mr D can't accept that this is happening and that a natural pregnancy is very unlikely after three years of ttc. I'm angry that he doesn't want to do everything possible to make it happen for us. And I'm angry that I am THE friend that everybody has to tread carefully around when they have a pregnancy announcement.

Her email was so carefully worded. She said all the right things, she is still there for me if I ever need to talk or rant. That she hopes that it will happen for us soon and that she hopes that I didn't read the email at work. At the moment I don't have the stomach to respond. I know that she will be worried if she doesn't hear from me and I feel bad for that but I just don't trust myself. My anger is just so strong at the moment. I think the announcement is probably just bad timing. My 34th birthday is pending. My husband has said that he doesn't want to do assisted conception. Two friends have only recently given birth and me, I'm in exactly the same place that I was two years ago, only more angry, bitter, sad and alone. It really is the loneliness of all this that gets me the most. I even feel like I can't talk to Mr D at the moment.

There's more....

Mr D and I have just had a week of work together. I was still reeling from the whole poor morphology thing and, as a result, we ended up having a talk. You know the kind of talk, the one where I say everything that has been on my mind for a while. The husband starts to say what is on his mind and then we discover that we are at totally different places. We don't agree and things start to look a whole lot worse than they did before you had the talk.

I have a husband who needs convincing. He isn't one to think too deeply about things. He doesn't worry about things and he definitely isn't one for reading about things. When we were told the morphology numbers I asked the consultant if this could be the reason why we are not conceiving. I felt like shit asking the question but I had done my research and knew that there was a problem. The consultant said that it could be but that they would have to do other tests on me to be sure. I never told the husband about my concerns over the morphology, until recently. He feels like a failure, that he can't give me the one thing that I want. I keep trying to reassure him that we are in this together and that it doesn't matter whether it is him, me or both of us. I know that he will get over it and that we will move on but during our talk last week he said that he didn't want to do IVF.

I've known his views on assisted conception for a while. I was hoping that they were changing and deep down I am sure that they will change. I know that it is just a reaction to how he is feeling at the moment and, at the time of our talk, I was very upset and stressed. Now, I'm not so bad. I'm finding that I have other things to stress and worry about but I just needed to get it down in a post. I do feel slightly pissed off that nothing is plain sailing. That there is always some sort of obstacle, battle to be won but deep down I know that Mr D wants a family as much as me. I'm hoping that he just needs time (and to hear it from the horses mouth). So, there will be no more talk on IF until our hospital appointment in June.

It's happened!

No, I am not pregnant and the house sale has not yet completed. What's happened is that I am starting to go slightly stir crazy. I have jumped back on to the whole sperm morphology wagon and, during the course of my research, I have scared myself shitless. Why couldn't I just leave things alone, forget about it until June? Because now, now I am not only stressed, scared, fed-up, lost all hope of conceiving naturally but, I have also become the obsessive bitch that I was about this time last year.

It is probably an accumulation of the fact that it is now three years since we ditched BC, my 34th birthday is looming and this week I have seen the arrival of second babies for two friends who were only just pregnant with their first when we decided to try for a baby.

I don't think it helped that a friend mentioned p.ycnogenol to me the other day. I know that she was trying to help and I have definitely been encouraged by the two studies that have been published but, it has made me research poor morphology again and that research has resulted in me losing any hope that we will conceive naturally. I have read that IUI is a bad treatment to offer couples dealing with poor morphology so I will go flipping mental if our consultant suggests that at our next appointment.

It really does look like our only chance of conceiving is IVF with ICSI. Of course I knew this but there was always the hope that just maybe this would happen naturally. We would beat the odds and, after enough attempts, we would finally get there. Now, I know we won't get there and, if we do, it will be a bloody miracle!

I just wish that the consultant had been open and honest with us about the sperm results. I feel like they have given us false hope. I appreciate that it is important for me to have tests so that we know exactly what it is that we are dealing with but, I can't believe that they haven't discussed the two SA results with us in more detail. I feel like I am going slightly crazy over the whole sperm morphology issue and that I am making up the fact that we have severe issues with the results. With only 2% looking normal on the first test and 4% looking normal on the second surely alarm bells should be ringing. After all, everywhere I read it says that 15% normal are needed for reproduction so why has a couple with only 4% normal been told to try and conceive naturally for 6 months?!

We've moved!

I've been meaning to post about the move and the new house for some time now but I wanted to include photos so I have been holding off until I get my arse in gear to a)take the photos and b)upload them on the computer. I still haven't managed either a or b so I thought I would write the damn post anyway. Maybe I'll add them later, although I am sure no one is particularly bothered about seeing pictures of our new surroundings.

We have been so much happier since the move. More tired and still living amongst boxes but, definitely happier.

As some of you may be aware, we spent a great deal of time stressing about whether to move at all. If you are not aware, click here and here for the history. Even a couple of days after the move we were worried that we had made a wrong move because we had left the house that we pay a mortgage on empty. You see, not only did anybody not want to buy it, they also didn't want to rent it. We dropped the rental price twice and still nothing and then the week before last I bought a frog charm for my bracelet. Possibly a coincidence but that week we sold the house. Yes, you read right. After two years and a month we have sold our house. I am trying not to get too excited or think about it too much as there is every possibility that it will fall through again. But, could this be the work of the little frog that I wear on my wrist?!

I like to think so!

Let's hope that the little frog brings us some other luck.....

Just too much

I'm currently sitting at my desk at work and I'm having to listen to the following...

Opposite me. I have a woman talking on the phone about her baby daughter who turned one last week.

To my right. I have a woman and a man talking about their children and the impending birth of the man's second child.

Just behind them. There are two pregnant colleagues talking about pregnancy, birth and babies. One is leaving on maternity on Friday and the other will be leaving in the next couple of months. As if on cue, I have just heard that she is due at the beginning of August.

Now, add to this a man in my office whose wife is due in August. A woman whose sister has just given birth. And another woman who became a grandmother for the first time in January and you have an awful lot of pregnancy/baby talk. Almost too much pregnancy/baby talk for any normal person but definitely too much baby/pregnancy talk for an IF.

Hanging on

I haven't posted recently because I am sick of sounding miserable. In reality I am not that bad, or at least, I am not that bad most of the time. I suppose I shouldn't worry about sounding miserable, this is, after all an IF blog. I just needed a break, to take a step back from it all.

This month/cycle was the first time, since the laparoscopy in December, that my fertility monitor showed an egg. I was beginning to think that the lovely Al S.ugar (the name I have, belatedly, decided to give our consultant) had done something to my ovaries when he was having a rummage round. So, the mission has been on. We have given it our best shot (lots of sex) and, as a result, I was hopeful. Now, I've always got hope towards the end of a 2ww but, this month I was more than hopeful, I was convinced. Convinced that if this is going to happen for us naturally then this cycle would be our best chance.

I started spotting yesterday.

And the mad IF woman reappeared.

One side of my brain was telling me that it was game over whilst the other side whispered the words implantation bleeding. The rational side knows how unlikely that is (I'm getting all the usual PMT symptoms) but the irrational side just won't let it lie until I am hit by the inevitable flood gates.

This isn't going to be our month.

On the bright side, only 8 weeks until our next appointment.

Only! I can't believe I have written that. It feels like forever since my laparoscopy. I am so sick of waiting.

Other news, we are moving tomorrow! Finally, after living in limbo for two years we have decided enough is enough. The house is being left empty as we have had no interest in either renting or buying which isn't ideal but, I'm beyond caring. Looking forward to the move and a week off.

Congratulations!

I was just beginning to think how low BFP announcements had been in the IF blogsphere when Chicklet goes and lays a big surprise.

Go Chicklet!

I have been following your blog for a long time now and I am so happy and excited for you. Really hoping that this is your time and that everything is alright. You rock!

Babies, babies everywhere

I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I WILL NOT LET PMT TAKE CONTROL OF MY MIND AND BODY. I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I WILL NOT LET PMT TAKE CONTROL OF MY MIND AND BODY.

The weekend wasn’t so hard and, at the moment, the mood swings and stomach craps are bearable. Life is so cruel though, if it isn’t bad enough that you have to fight against a depression every day it decides to chuck yet another pregnancy announcement at you. Another unexpected pregnancy announcement. Surely this will get better. I just need friends and colleagues to get beyond the procreation stage. I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I have to remain positive for my own sanity.

Anyway, I digress. The weekend spent with two 8 month pregnant friends (whose due dates are literally days apart which was, believe it or not, the same with their first pregnancy) and a friend who has been trying to conceive baby number two since May last year was OK. I went away with the mindset that these poor friends would not be able to do anything right and, although there was a couple of sticky moments when I felt a tad uncomfortable, it felt good to catch up with them. The two uncomfortable moments came when we were talking about finding out the sex of the babies and one of them asked me whether I would find out the sex of my baby. I nearly choked when she asked me and I really didn’t want to answer because I’m trying to get into the mindset that this isn’t going to happen for us. Of course I answered and I also answered the second question about baby names. To be honest with you, it was good to be included in the conversation, I’m sure I would have been more unhappy if they hadn’t asked me. They also asked me a lot about where we are, in terms of doctor’s appointments / treatment etc as well as how the HSG and laparoscopy went. So, all in all, it was OK.

If you hadn’t already gathered, I am approaching another cycle and although it is very much in the forefront of my mind, I am trying to take a step back from the whole cycle thing. I have been so weighed down by my cycle. I spend the week before I am due dreading the arrival of a period that will make me feel so ill and unhappy so this month I am fighting back.

Turning a corner

After talking to a couple of people I have come to realise that, over the past few weeks, I have been suffering from anxiety and possibly a bit of depression. I hadn’t really been all that aware that I was letting things get to me quite as much as they were.

I think last weekend was the turning point. Following the last post, where I laid on the table my concerns about assisted conception (AS), I have tried to approach our IF from a different angle. Whilst it is extremely unlikely that we will not go down the route of AC, as my desire for a family is far greater than any fear that I may have about AC, I am beginning to think beyond all this and to the life that we may end up living. I’m sure that our life, after ttc, will have it moments but I am in no doubt that we will accept the outcome. I know that there is a life for us beyond this and whilst I will continue to document our journey I feel like I need to re-adjust my focus from the ‘what if’ scenario to the living for now. I have spent three years of my life obsessing about having a family so now I think it is time to focus on something else, and that something else is the something that has often been neglected in all of this, us.

I’m shocked at how positive I sound in this post, I only hope that this mood remains for as long as the depressive state that has recently been ruling the roost.

The test for all of this will be this weekend as I am meeting up with three university friends (two of which are seven months pregnant) and one that is trying for baby number two. The timing of the meeting is rotten as I will have PMT but I am determined not to let any of this get to me although the proof will be in the post I write next week!

Moving on

Before I start I just want to say a big thank you to those who commented on my last post, your comments definitely helped.

I'm still pretty much in the same place as I was when I wrote the last post. I have tried on numerous occasions to get my thoughts out in a post but I'm struggling. I feel impatient to get everything out and, as a result I end up with a jumbled mess that I just delete. So I'm feeling inarticulate and frustrated as well as all the other feelings mentioned in my last post.

I seem to have become obsessed with assisted conception. Throughout our ttc journey there was obviously always the hope, and even possibly a belief, that we would conceive naturally. After the laparoscopy, when we were told to try naturally for 6 months before assisted conception, I have to admit that I was frustrated. I wanted a result there and then, I needed a plan and something else to focus on rather than returning to months of just hoping. Six months seemed like a long time and also a bit of a let down after months of doctors appointments, hospital appointments and the odd procedure. We are nearly half way through the 6 month wait - ttc naturally - and I'm struggling, not just with ttc but the whole idea of assisted conception.

For the first time since we embarked on our ttc journey I realise that assisted conception is, more than likely, our only chance of conceiving. I'm the one who have always been OK with assisted conception it was the husband who didn't want to go down that route. Over the last year and a half I have, in true femme fatale stylie, coaxed him round to my way of thinking. But the big problem now is that I am scared. Not just scared, I am petrified. I know that this is only natural and that I wouldn't be human if I didn't have these feelings but I am shocked, shocked that I am having these feelings. You see, I have always been adamant that I would do anything to have a baby but now, I'm not so sure. Perhaps I should just accept that we weren't meant to be a family and move on, focus on something else - is that at all possible? Will I not be forever wondering what if....

I know that I (thankfully) don't have to make any decisions now and that I will definitely change my mind on a weekly basis but I'm pretty sure that this is the root of my problem. I've realised that we will be moving on up the IF ladder and that the next step is not only big, it is also very slippery.

Tired

I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't know why. Well, when I say I don't know why, I obviously know what the core of the problem is but, I don't know why it is bothering me as much as it is. I know the deal, every month I get my hopes up, every month my period comes, heavier and more painful than the last, every month I turn into the bitch from hell, want to do nothing but lay in bed for days on end and then what? Usually I'm back up and at it. Ready to start afresh, give it another go, convince myself that miracles do happen - I'm told often enough by fertiles who have nothing more to offer you. But, for some reason, this month is different. I've felt this way before. The despair. The anger. The bitterness. The pain. The suffocation. And I am sure that I will get beyond this but, at this moment in time, I can't. I need a break. A break from work, people, ttc, friends, family. I'm tired of pretending that everything is alright, that we are coping with IF.

What a week

This week at work has been particularly tough.

Let's rewind to Monday morning, it's 8.30am and I have just walked in the door and I get greeted with "Tilly's pregnant". It turns out Tilly (not her real name) was on the pill so the pregnancy was a complete shock. Lucky Tilly. Does she even know that people spend years trying to get what she managed to get by accident?

This news was just what I needed as I was already having to deal with the return to work of a woman that I really, really don't get on with. This woman, let's call her Tiny (because there is nothing tiny about her, including her mouth), has been off on maternity leave. As you can imagine, Tiny has spent the entire week talking about baby and, just in case that wasn't enough, has also been talking about trying for the next one.

To top my week of baby and pregnancy overload, yesterday we had more snow. Yep, that's right, there's nothing in that which is remotely related to pregnancy or babies but, my dear friend, that is where you are wrong.

Another pregnant woman in my office, let's call her Rosie, was meant to be working until 7pm. She was concerned about getting home and so had asked management if she could leave earlier. Well, there was a great debate in the office about this and Tiny decided that, as a mother and somebody who was recently pregnant herself, she had a right to get involved. She ordered somebody to walk Rosie to the car by saying that "if that was your wife and she was pregnant, you wouldn't want her to walk to the car on her own". She then went in and had a go at management for not understanding why Rosie should leave early. Of course Rosie should leave early, SHE'S PREGNANT! Yesterday, I discovered that you are an extra special person if you are with child. Tell me this, why do women suddenly become so special when they are pregnant?! Me, I would be offended if people treated me better/differently just because I happened to be carrying a baby.

And, it didn't end there. Nope, I came into work this morning to Tiny telling somebody else about how Rosie wasn't thought of as special by management because management haven't had a child of their own! SO FUCKING WHAT if management haven't had children. That has fuck all to do with it. You are not fucking special if you are pregnant or have children, you are just fucking lucky.

Bits and bobs

Two things that I am trying to focus:

Weight - over Christmas I put on 5lbs. So far I have lost 4 of that 5lbs but I am finding it so difficult. Once I have lost that 5lbs I only have have another 8lbs to go to get to goal. The last 8lbs are going to be tough.

House - as mentioned here, we have made the difficult decision to rent our house out and move into tied accommodation. It has taken us a while to get our heads around it but we both think that we have made the right decision. It has given us something else to focus on and look forward to. We have been spending some time at the new house, painting and tidying and I have ordered a fantastic range cooker for the new kitchen. We will not move in to the new house until we have found tenants for our house so fingers crossed we get some interest.

Three things that I am trying not to focus on:

1. As far as I am aware, I didn't ovulate last month.
2. I am currently on CD11 and I am still spotting! Never had that before.
3. One month down.......only four more months until our next hospital appointment which I am dreading but, I am also keen/impatient for it to be here as I am desperate to find out where we go from here - IUI? IVF? Who knows.

Bad mood and bollocks

This weekend, including today, I have been in a bad mood.

I'm on CD 21 of cycle 37. This month, the first full cycle after my laparoscopy, there was no sign of ovulation on my super doper fertility monitor but, as a crazy infertile woman I am still hoping that a miracle may have occurred.

I seem to have come full circle at the moment. I am finding myself reverting back to the early days, when I searched the Internet for advice and success stories, thinking that I would soon be one of those success stories. I wonder if this relapse in behaviour has something to do with the fact that there is nothing going on (in terms of tests). The next thing in my IF calendar is the appointment in June. Is this my way of passing the time? Returning to the crazy IF woman desperately searching the Internet for answers.

Today I have been searching for answers on sperm morphology. What did I find? All sorts of advice / success stories / rubbish that I have read before. Did it make me feel more positive / better? Not really. I'm still on CD21, experiencing cramping, trying to ignore the cramping and the thoughts of what if.....

I'm sure that I have asked this question before, I've said it plenty of times in my head. Will the hope ever go away? Will I wake up one day and find that I have my period and I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being pregnant. On CD 21 I feel like I couldn't take another year of this shit, let alone five but we all know that these thoughts / feelings change on a daily basis.

Emptyhug, if you are reading this post I just wanted to say that I hope you are OK. I noticed that your blog has gone private but I would love to know how you are doing.

Some things change

Today, whilst looking through the websites in my 'favourites' folder I came across a couple of sites that I use to be obsessed with when we first started ttc. These ttc/pregnancy websites contain lots of useful advice about what you should do when ttc, they also have ovulating calculators and due date calendars. I can remember using the ovulating calculator religiously and I would even use the due date calendar to work out when our baby would be due if we were success that particular month.

Oh, to return to those days, when hope was there and I was confident that we would conceive within the year. I would even get excited when my period was due because of the prospect of a possible pregnancy. I have come a long way from those days.

Now, I don't go anywhere near ttc/pregnancy websites, I know what to do and when to do it. I have sorted out my diet, I don't drink like I use to and I have been popping prenatal vitamins for nearly three years. Until I came across the ttc/pregnancy website today I had completely forgotten about the due date calendar. When I saw it I had such a pang of longing.

I want to feel the excitement of POAS and getting a positive. I want to enjoy working out when our baby is due and working towards each new milestone. I want to feel excited that we have a baby growing. I want to experience morning sickness. I want to have a scan and see a heart beat and our baby bumping around in the womb. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to experience labour and I want to hold our baby in my arms. I know it is a lot to ask but others seem to manage it quite easily.