Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year

A belated Merry Christmas. Hope you are all having a good break.

Things were hectic here in the build up to Christmas (and still are) as I have a piece of work which needs to be completed by 31 December. I'm supposed to be working on it today but it is already 11.30am and I'm not dressed and haven't even opened the relevant file on my computer. As always I have left things to the last minute but I am relatively confident that it will be in the post by tomorrow afternoon (fingers crossed).

Happy New Year to you all, I hope there is some good news in 2009 for those that didn't get what they wished for in 2008.

Just adopt

Yesterday I had a meeting with a work colleague. This male colleague has been through the whole IVF process due to male factor. They had three IVF attempts of which one was successful, their son is now 5 1/2 years old.

After the meeting we got talking and the subject inevitably went to family and children. They have recently been accepted by the adoption panel and are now awaiting a match with a child. I started to tell him a bit more than I should have about where we are at the moment and where we are heading. I wasn't overly comfortable with sharing this information with him however, I wanted to get some information out of him as he lives in the same county as us and they were lucky enough to get two IVF attempts on the NHS. He gave me some good advice on where to go, if and when, we have to choose a clinic.

I told him that I had just had a procedure which we were hoping was going to improve our chances of conceiving naturally but, if not, we would be referred for assisted conception. That was when he gave the helpful advice. I then said that I wasn't sure whether we would get two attempts at IVF on the NHS but that we would definitely have two attempts and then we would walk away. His response was that if it didn't work then we could just adopt. He said that. Somebody who has been through this IF crap, who has been through IVF and has had to contend with it not working. I couldn't believe that this person had just said those words to me like it was OK that we may not be able to conceive our own child. I responded by telling him that adoption is not something that appeals to me, at this stage, but that it may be something that we would consider once we had been through the assisted conception stage. He said that we should consider adopting because there is nothing more rewarding, enjoyable and fun then having a little person in your life! Arsehole!

Half a pound

The WW visit wasn't as bad as anticipated - half a pound on is acceptable considering everything that I ate and drank last week. I now need to try not to eat too much over the next two weeks but, as Womb for Improvement says, I think I can afford to put on a couple of pounds over the festive period.

Hard to swallow

When I returned to work after my laparoscopy I found out that there had been another pregnancy announcement. What lousy timing.

I am finding this latest announcement too hard to swallow.

I just can't seem to get it out of my head. The woman is such a lovely person and I am really pleased for her but I just can't bring myself to congratulate her. I think it is because it was a shock, totally unexpected. I didn't think that she wanted children and there were definitely no tell-tale signs.

It is now making the six months too hard to swallow.

I am finding it almost impossible to control my weight at the moment. December is such a difficult month, with all the tasty food in the supermarkets and the many different Christmas celebrations. I am trying so hard not to over eat and drink but I feel like I am slowly slipping back into my old habits. I have been to a Christmas party, a Christmas lunch, a friend's house for drinks and nibbles and tonight I am off to WW. It is not going to be good news. I won't mind putting on one pound but any more than that and I am going to be pissed off. I didn't go to WW last week as I had had the laparoscopy on the Tuesday.

I know that I am going to find tonight's visit to WW too hard to swallow.

Tagged

I have been tagged by Emptyhug. I have never been tagged before so I am very excited!


The rules are:
1. Link to the person who tagged you
2. Share 7 random and/or weird facts about you
3. Tag 7 random people at the end and include links to their blog!

7 random / weird facts about me:
1. From a very young age I had watched the London Marathon on television and had wanted to be a part of it. I fulfilled that dream in 2005, when I decided that to mark turning 30 I would apply to run in the marathon. My application was successful, my finishing time was 5:14.
2. I get bored easily.
3. I only moved in with my husband after we got married. The most time we had spent together as a couple before our wedding was when we went on holiday for a week.
4. I have two tattoos - one on the side of my stomach (flower) and one on my wrist (three stars).
5. I own a blue VW Beetle (I grew up with an obsession for beetles).
6. I'm a gold member of W.eight W.atchers. I have struggled with my weight since my teens.
7. I hate saving - any money I earn I spend. It drives the husband mad. I am currently trying to save some money just in case we need to pay for IVF (it's a slow process).

I have tagged Womb for Improvement and Reproductively Challenged (although Ms Heathen has a lot on so may prefer not to do the tag). I haven't tagged anybody else as I am not sure that they read this blog or haven't done the tag before. If you are reading this post and would like to do the tag, please do (and let me know).

Laparoscopy

I had the laparoscopy on Tuesday. It was OK. I am sore and still slightly swollen but it is getting better. The worst part was the sore throat from where they had a tube down my throat and the pain in my shoulder from the gas.

The outcome.

I didn't have a blocked tube. It looks like I had a spasm when they did the HSG. Dye went through both of my tubes during the laparoscopy (saw the pictures to prove it!). They did remove some endometriosis and a small cyst from my right ovary.

What next?

We have six months of trying to conceive naturally and if we haven't succeeded by then it will be assisted conception.

How do I feel about that?

I was initially pissed off that we are going to have to wait six months before being referred for assisted conception. If IVF is the only route for us then we won't be placed on the NHS waiting list until June however, I am now thinking that having a break isn't a bad thing. It will do us good to not have to think about it for a while. I don't feel in a hurry at the moment but I'm sure that will change in a couple of months. I'm not really convinced that what they did during the laparoscopy will help us conceive naturally but it won't stop me hoping.

Another hurdle crossed. The next hurdle is easy, six months of lots of sex and hopefully a natural pregnancy, if not it is back to the consultant for the serious stuff.

Christmas

Christmas is all about family, food and drink. Usually I love Christmas but, over the last two years I have struggled. Christmas makes my desire for a family even more intense, it reminds me of what we can't have and I am beginning to hate that it is just the two of us.

It will be our third Christmas since we started to try for a baby. Last Christmas I was depressed, I had piled on nearly two stone and Christmas was just a heavy reminder that another year had passed and still no baby. As December approached this year I found myself slipping into the same mood as last, it was starting to get to me and, to be honest with you, I was starting to dread Christmas again.

That is, until, our holiday, our break from everything. Suddenly I am loving Christmas. I have an advent calendar and an advent candle and decorations have slowly been making their way into our lounge.

Last night my Christmas mood was threatened slightly as I started to write our Christmas cards. I suddenly thought about the fact that many of our friends have additional names on their Christmas cards whilst I am still signing off from just the two of us. Why is it the small things when you are most unaware? I made a conscious decision that I was not going to let such a small insignificant thing totally strip me of my joyous Christmas mood.

I am happy and I am looking forward to Christmas.

Refreshed

The husband and I have just returned from a much needed break. We were very nearly at the point of melt down but now we are much more relaxed and are smiling again. Spending quality time together was just what we needed.

The next IF hurdle is the laparoscopy which was orignally scheduled for January but has now been brought forward to next week! I'm off to the hospital on Friday for my pre-assessment. I'm really pleased to be getting it out of the way before Christmas. Fingers crossed everything runs smoothly and they are able to deal with whatever is going on in there.

Not so secret

I'm quite a private person. In fact, D and I are quite a private couple. We don't have a set of close friends, we just have friends that we see from time to time. These friends don't know about our problems with ttc.

The majority of people who do know about our problems with ttc are my friends and my family. I suppose it is a woman thing, we like to talk and we like to share problems and get advice. There are a small number of friends who know because they have been through it themselves. Then there are the friends who have families and know because there was the question of whether we were trying for a family, replying two and a half years ago that we were ttc means that they know but may not know all the details.


Then there's the family. I told my sister because we are very close and we share everything. I didn't mention anything to my parents until I went to the doctors and started having the blood tests (about a year ago). My parents live in the same village as us, go to the same doctors and knew that I was going on a regular basis so my mum asked what was wrong. I told her. The moment I told her I wished I could take it back. The main reason was her response, she said that all we probably needed to do was relax. My own mother said that! I couldn't believe it. I know that she meant well and that she just didn't know what to say for the best, but really.

Another year on and I'm really starting to wish that I hadn't told so many people. I know that it is good to have the support of those around you but I think that most of the time they don't know how to deal with it or what to say. They just don't seem to get it.

One cylinder

It looks like I am only firing with one cylinder. The HSG results showed that no dye passed through my left tube. I am booked in for a laparoscopy in January.

Our chances of conceiving naturally are slowly diminishing, what with poor morphology and the possibility of only one tube working, things are going from bad to worse.

Hospital appointment #2

Tomorrow we are back at the IF clinic. I'm really not looking forward to it. D asked me last night what to expect. I'm not sure what to expect. I know that we will get the results of the HSG, that we will be told whether I need a laparoscopy.

I am expecting to be told that the NHS does not fund assisted conception and so, as a precaution, I have printed off information that states that they do. It's a case of, if we go in expecting the worst....

I'll be glad when tomorrow is out the way as we should hopefully have an idea of where we are heading.

8

It's our 8th wedding anniversary today so I thought that I would post a bit about our life together (so far):

I was 25 when we married. At the time of our marriage I was living in the South of England and D was living in the North of England. We had spent two years doing a long distance relationship and then, one day, we decided enough was enough, we couldn't face another winter of travelling.

It wasn't the only reason we decided to get married. Our relationship was at the stage where we needed to either take it to the next level or part. So, we decided to take it up two levels and managed to arrange our wedding within 6 months. In November 2000 I handed my notice in at work, got married, packed up all my belongings, jumped in a car with my new husband and moved to the other side of the country. I had no job and I knew no one (except the in-laws). Looking back, it was a very stressful time. I put on a lot of weight and D and I struggled to adjust to our new life.

I managed to get some work about 6 months after relocating. I got my first permanent position in 2001 and then in December 2002 I finally got a qualified position and I have been doing the same job ever since.

It was definitely the hardest time in my life - getting married, giving up a job I loved, moving across the country and living with my husband for the first time. Things could have turned out so very different, we took quite a gamble in getting married before living together. I don't think we would still be together if we had just moved in with each other, without a ring on my finger, a certificate and the vowels we shared it would have been so much easier to walk away when the going got tough.

Today, I love my husband more than ever, I am truly grateful that we have spent the last 8 years together and I hope we get to share many more.

Disconnected

Feeling a bit disconnected from the whole ttc / IF thing at the moment. It's difficult to explain but I just don't feel anything. I don't feel sad, depressed or frustrated, I just feel disconnected.

I know that we are moving forward with this. I know that there is no guarantee that we will have a baby at the end of it. I know that we are in for a long wait.

And, knowing all of the above has left me a bit numb. I'm sure this mood will change but for now it leaves me with very little to blog about.

Low pain threshold?

Before I attempt to recall the HSG appointment I would like to thank WFI and Ms H for the good luck comments attached to my last post.

As it happens I needed all the luck I could get.

I'm not really a hospital person. I have managed to get to 33 without having to go into hospital for anything other than to visit people. So, yesterday was definitely an experience for me. I sat in the waiting room for just over half an hour before I was called into a changing area. I was told to strip from the waist down, put one gown on with the tie ups at the back and then one with the tie ups at the front.

At this point I was beyond nervous.

When I entered the room I was greeted by a female doctor and two nurses. They were all very nice and tried to put me at ease. I was asked some questions and then had to sign a piece of paper to say that I wasn't pregnant. Finally I was instructed to lay on my back with my knees open.

So far so good.

I can do that.

I can lay on my back and open my legs.

I'm even OK with the cleaning of the cha cha both inside and out.

The bit that I am not OK with is when the doctor inserts the catheter.

OMG!

The pain was so intense. It was just so uncomfortable and painful.

I'm laying there, in pain, pain that I have never experienced before in my life and I am feeling like a complete idiot. I'm laying there thinking that I obviously have a low pain threshold. This isn't meant to hurt like this. The doctor even says that she is surprised that it is hurting me so much, that it doesn't usually hurt until the dye is inserted.

I ask her when she is going to insert the dye and she tells me that they are waiting for the doctor to come in to take the xrays.

She tries to readjust the position of the catheter, they place the xray machine over my stomach and I am told to squeeze the nurses hand. All the time I am struggling with the pain, which is constant, and the thought that I am a complete wimp. I'm also thinking that this is going to take a good 20 minutes and how am I going to cope with this pain for 20 minutes.

A male doctor comes in, says something to me which I can't for the life of me recall. I hear the female doctor say something about how she now understands why I am in so much pain, that she had trouble seeing when she inserted the cathetar and, as a result, had inserted it too far.

Within two minutes the male doctor was gone and the female doctor removed everything and stuck a pad between my legs saying that I would definitely get some bleeding. I hopped off the bed with my knees together (trying to hold the pad in place), picked up my bag of belongings and hobbled out to a room to get dressed.

So, all in all, not very pleasant. But at least it is over with now. I didn't get the results, I have to wait to get an appointment through. I was also disappointed that I didn't get to see the screen with my bits on display and the dye working its way through my tubes, that was the only bit that I was looking forward to.

Hooray for short cycles!

For once my cycle has done something that I wanted it to do.

It started early.

So, at the moment, it is looking like I will be going to my HSG appointment on Thursday. I can't believe it. My period is usually quite regular, the shortest cycle I have had is 25 days, so a 23 day cycle on the month that I need a 23 day cycle is almost unbelievable. It feels good to have something work out for once. Having the HSG on Thursday means that I will not have to reschedule the appointment at the infertility clinic on 11 November.

I hope everything looks alright at the HSG appointment because if it does we will hopefully just be referred on to assisted conception (and the long NHS waiting list but, at least we will be one step closer).

Me and my In-laws (part deux)

When I look back at the person I was when I got married, I am amazed at how much I have changed. I married at the age of 25. At 25 I still had a lot of issues that had developed whilst I was growing up. I was incredibly shy, in fact I spent a lot of my wedding day cringing from embarrassment and worrying about what people were thinking. If we were to get married today, we would have a completely different day and I would enjoy every second of it.

My shyness stems from my mum. Even at the age of 57 she struggles with change and new environments. I am very close to both my mum and dad now but I did most of my growing up on my own. My sisters are quite a few years older and my parents were living a youth which was interrupted by the arrival of my sisters. I don’t blame my mum and dad for having a good time rather than being a parent.

I am definitely a stronger person now and I know that I am not perceived as shy. I can stand in front of an audience of 130 people and give a lecture, I can speak my view in a meeting and I can look after myself in a variety of situations however, there are occasions when I revert back to feeling like the person I was when I married.

One of those occasions is happening today. On my suggestion we are having the in-laws round for dinner. I have spoken about my ILs before here and I have been trying to keep away from talking about them again but I just can’t. You see, the problems is that my ILs make me feel like a child. In the past I have held a lot of resentment towards them for making me feel this way, but now I am beginning to wonder whether it is actually me that is making me feel like a child.

When I was growing up my dad was always strict on the whole politeness thing. Please and thank-yous were uttered when they weren’t even required through fear that my dad would pick up on any impoliteness. I was to be nothing but polite to everybody whether I agreed with them or not. This proved kind of difficult in my career and it has taken me a number of years to conquer. Now I have opinions in abundance and more often than not I will voice them but, not where the ILs are concerned. They are very much of the opinion that their opinion is the only opinion and if you choose to voice an opinion which is different to theirs then they just ignore you. I’m not kidding, they just move on to something else and make no comment on what you have just said.

My MIL has an image of the kind of daughter-in-law that she would like. That image is the one she knows. She doesn’t know me at all. I wish she did. I will spend an evening of pretending that I am this person (because it is easier) and only when I start to get tired and drunk will I start to rebel. What can I do to stop myself reverting back to a child whenever I see my in-laws? I thought having my own child would help but obviously that isn’t going to happen. How can I politely make her see that I am a 33 year old woman who is not like her but is still OK (even if I do watch such disgraceful TV programmes like East.enders)? I have been trying for 8 years to improve the situation with my ILs but sometimes I just feel like it is getting worse.

We hardly see them. We argue about them (although not so much now). I don’t want to stop my husband from seeing his parents; I don’t want to argue with him about them. I want to invite them round and enjoy their company instead of spending the entire week building up to the visit and conjuring up all sorts of scenarios of things that they will say that will piss me off. Does anybody else have a difficult relationship with their in-laws? Because at the moment I feel like the only one.

Why is it so easy for some?

I have just received a text message from a friend (one of the friends that I saw the other week). She can now officially announce that she is pregnant with her second child. I'm pissed off by this news. Yes, I admit that I am not only pissed off but I am jealous. You see, this is a repeat of when they were expecting their first child. Although at that time I had all three of them pregnant at the same time, now it is just the two of them and the third is beyond jealous because she has been trying for a few months for her second.

I hate that this is so easy for some people. I hate that everyone else seems to be moving on with their lives whilst we are stuck in a rut. I hate that a pregnancy announcement still has this affect on me. I hate that this is something that we may never experience.

Waiting

Still no word from the hospital about a possible appointment for a HSG before 11 November. It looks like it could be another month of waiting. I will try and call the hospital later today.

The fog has finally lifted

This month was tough - probably one of the hardest I have had in a long time. I think it was the shock of the consultation, the stress from reading information about bad morphology, and PMT. I was really beginning to think that I wasn't going to come out of this one, I had visions of being carted off to the nut home.

Today is the first day in almost 2 weeks that I haven't broken down in tears. I'm feeling a bit more positive again, even with it looking like our November appointment at the infertility clinic may have to be postponed until December because of this bloody HSG appointment.

I have just had a conversation with the receptionist at the hospital. I was hoping that there had been a cancellation or a new set of appointments organised but unfortunately there hasn't. I explained about my appointment at the infertility clinic in November and that if I hadn't had the HSG I would have to postpone that appointment and the very nice lady said that she would take my telephone number and write a note on the diary to say that I needed to be booked in, if another date became available, before 11 November.

I don't hold out much hope but, to be honest with you, I am not overly bothered. I'm starting to think, what's another month. We can wait. See what I mean about the positivity?!

The weekend was good. There were no other pregnancy announcements, although I got to listen to my friend, who is feeling jealous of our other friends (one confirmed pregnancy, one not confirmed although suspected). She said that she realises how I must have felt when they all announced their first pregnancies (within two months of each other) however, she then continued with how worried she is that they may not be able to conceive again and how frustrated she gets every month. In my head I was saying "welcome to my world," there was no point saying it out loud because fertiles don't really listen and they certainly don't understand.

Round two

This weekend I am meeting up with some girlfriends from University.

Three friends who all announced their first pregnancy around the same time. D and I had been ttc for about a month so, although I was slightly jealous that they were already on the path to parenthood, I wasn't overly bothered because I had hopes that we would be expecting a baby soon too. Anyway, their 'babies' will be turning two over the next couple of months and I know from our last get together , earlier in the year, that they are all trying for their second.

So, this weekend I am expecting round two of baby announcements.

However, it turns out that I don't have to wait until Saturday because today I received an email from one of those friends. She is in the early stages of her second pregnancy and has been worrying about telling me. I love this friend. She is so thoughtful of others and always knows what to say. She has been worrying about this since I sent her an email telling her how our appointment at the infertility clinic went. To be honest, she took over two weeks to respond to my email (which is unlike her)so I had kind of guessed.

I was really looking forward to Saturday but now I'm not sure that I can face it. Please don't let there be any other announcements as I'm really not sure that I can take it in my present state of mind. I thought this was meant to get easier, not harder.

Wallowing in self pity yet again

This morning I woke up at 3.45am with period pains. I immediately popped some pills in my mouth, then I went to the toilet, returned to bed and spent the next 2 hours awake, thinking.

What was I thinking about?

The usual, being infertile.

You see, I am fed-up and lost.

This whole infertility business has made me (hopefully temporarily) lose my place in this world. I no longer know who I am, where I am at or where I want to go.

Because, what I did know about myself, - happily married / working but not really caring about work / career on hold because I would soon be pregnant - where I was (before IF became a real possibility) - in a relationship which was ready to move to the next level - and where I wanted to go - starting a family with D - may not happen now. So, that one small thing (not being able to conceive) has totally thrown me off kilter.

In reality I am now part of an infertile couple struggling to accept everything that comes with IF. We are currently having to arrange our life round tests / hospital appointments / periods and mood swings and, after two and a half years, we are beginning to realise that where we want to go is irrelevant because we may not get there anyway.

A bit miserable

It is the weekend. The sun is shining. It is surprisingly warm. And I am feeling a bit miserable. I think it is PMT. In fact I don't think that it is PMT, I know it is.

This cycle has been a bit different from all the others. This cycle we found out that D's sperm isn't great. That the chances of conceiving naturally are pretty slim. That IF well and truly sucks.

After the hospital appointment I felt numb. Any hope I had of us doing this naturally went completely out the window. It was clear that this was something that D and I would not be able to do on our own. For the first time I really started to think that this may never happen. That we may have to face a future that didn't involve a family.

As the start of my next cycle looms I have realised that I have not been as hopeful as previous cycles but, I must admit, there is still a small glimmer of hope. Why is that? Why do I still hope for what is a near impossibility? I know a lot of people would say that having hope is healthy but personally, I don't think it is. I don't want to be faced with this hope every month. I just want to move on. Focus on something else so that, if we don't succeed in creating a family, I am not left completely shattered.

HSG Appointment

So it seems that arranging a HSG is slightly more difficult than first anticipated. The Dr we saw at our first consultation (now going to be known as Dr Clueless for obvious reasons) informed me that I needed to phone the hospital to arrange an appointment for a HSG when my next period arrived.

However, a week later I received an appointment date for my HSG. I phoned the hospital to try and find out why I received an appointment when I had been instructed to phone. I was told that they no longer use the system that Dr Clueless informed us of, instead they allocate appointments for when a particular doctor is in.

Although the appointment I was sent through would have been OK cycle wise, it wasn't work wise so I informed the receptionist that I needed to change it. The next appointment she could give me was 23 October which, when I worked it out, would be slap bang in the middle of my period. When I told her she said that she didn't know when the doctor would be in after this date so the best thing would be to take this appointment and if, on the week of the appointment, it looks like I am going to have my period then I should phone her.

So, at the moment I have a HSG booked for 23 October but I 'm not feeling very confident that I will be attending it. My only concern is that we are booked in at the infertility clinic on 11 November to discuss the results of the HSG and where to go from there and if I have to rearrange the HSG again it is looking unlikely that we will be able to attend this appointment. The infertility clinic only meets once a month so that would mean that our next appointment would have to be in December.

I know it is only another month to wait but I was really hoping to attend the appointment in November. Fingers crossed that my period comes early this month and next and then I can attend both appointments. Is it likely my body will do what I want it to? Not really but I suppose I can hope.

Winners and losers

I have a friend. She is an old school friend. When she got married, her and her husband decided to try for a family. Four years and lots of tests later they were no closer to that family. Six years later they have two dogs, a lovely house, a posh car and no family. My friend is a winner. She was confronted with IF, she tackled it head on and accepted the outcome no matter what. Although she didn't get the family she thought she would have she was able to stick two fingers up at IF and move on.

At this moment in time I feel like a loser. I can only hope that if our future doesn't include a child then I can be as strong a person as my friend.

So much to say

Firstly, I feel I need to clarify what I actually meant in my last post which, on reading now, I realise sounds a bit dodgy. The man did only appear at night because he was in my dream. The dream was so vivid that it took me awhile to get it / him out of my mind hence the mention in the post.

OK, so now to the hospital appointment. We had convinced ourselves that it would be an uneventful 20 minute appointment where they would ask us some questions and then decide what tests I would require. Our appointment actually lasted an hour and 45 minutes.

My next appointment is for a Hysterosalpingogram (HSG) which will be at the beginning of October. We also have an appointment booked for 11 November to discuss the results of the HSG and, depending on the results, where to go from there.

The doctor / registrar informed us that if my tubes are OK they probably won't bother to do a Laparoscopy which is fine by me. If my tubes are OK we will be referred to a clinic to pursue assisted conception. She then said that we wouldn't get NHS funding for this which is a total contradiction to what we have been told by our doctor and from documents that I have found on the Internet. When I said that we had been informed that our County does offer fertility traeatment on the NHS and that we had been told we meet the criteria she didn't say anything and carried on talking about choosing a clinic. I'll push that point at my next appointment in November. She either doesn't know (the infertility clinic only meet once a month so she may not have been local) or she was trying to brush us off.

Now for the big slap in the face - the morphology concerns raised, but played down, by the doctor when D did his SA are worse than we thought. The Dr told us that D's results showed 2% on his original SA and 4% on his second. This means that only 4% are of a normal shape / size and it is only this 4% that have a chance of cracking an egg. When I asked her outright whether this could be the cause of our infertility (felt like shit asking it but I just wanted some straight answers) she said yes it could be the reason but they had to check my tubes. So, went home and opened one of my books on IF and realised that things are actually worse than we thought. The book states that a result of 15% or above is fine, anything under 15% can cause sub-fertility and under 5% is a severe problem, so basically we are fucked.

I just feel so numb.

Just a quickie

Today I was asked by a male work colleague whether I was going to be the next to go off on maternity! When I answered rather abruptly "NO!" He followed on with "well it seems to be catching in your corner". What a tosser!

On another note, I've met a man. He was lovely, very attentive, rough and rugged and a very good kisser.....can't wait till bedtime to see whether he reappears.

Busy, busy, busy

OK, for some reason my life seems to have gone in to overdrive.

This week I have:

~ two late nights at work,
~ one hospital appointment,
~ one appointment with our financial adviser,
~ one delivery of furniture,
~ one meeting at WW,
~ one book club meeting,

..and to top it all I am ovulating!

I'm also getting a headache just thinking about it!

Work has just gone ridiculous, we are heading into the busiest time of the year which means that I will actually forget about IF and ttc stuff for awhile. Not a bad thing.

Tomorrow is the hospital appointment. I don't expect that I'll have much to report but I'm just glad that it is finally here.

Shitsville

I say that I live in Shitsville but I don't really, it is just the affectionate term that D and I have given it.

So, we have been living in Shitsville for nearly 4 years. In those 4 years we have replaced the windows, fence, kitchen, bathroom, en-suite and down stairs toilet. Needless to say, it was a shit hole when we moved in. In fact, the day we got the keys I stood in the middle of the living room and just cried. It was our first house purchase and I felt that we had just made the biggest mistake of our lives.

Before we bought our own home we lived in tied accommodation. The cottage we lived in was quaint but it was too small (even for two people) and there was a lot of damp. When we decided to buy we had the option of:

1. buying a three bedroom detached house with an integral garage and an en-suite in a fairly respectable area but, unfortunately you had to drive through a renowned council estate to get to it
2. buying a semi-detached two bedroom bungalow with no dining room in the more respectable side of the village (with no council estate)*

We chose 1 because we wanted a home where we could have a family. Four years on we are no closer to having that family and we are desperate to be living in the more respectable side of the village (where comparable property is valued up to £30,000 more than ours).

We are unable to sell our house because of the area. We have had a lot of viewings but they have all said pretty much the same thing, if they could pick the house up and move it, it would be ideal.

I do like our house and I will be sad when / if we do eventually sell it but, at this moment in time, it feels like another thing that just isn't happening for us. Like IF, it is completely out of our control. Looking on the positive side, at least it gives me something other than not conceiving to think about!

* I have nothing against council estates, I was brought up in a council house. My beef is with this particular council estate because it is quite run down and is renowned for having lots of criminals living on it.

Lazy blogger

I'm a lazy blogger.

I read lots of blogs, frequently in awe of posts that are written, posts that detail events/experiences with such clarity and elegance. I'm too lazy for that. I'm not one for coming up with interesting, thought provoking posts. I post about how pissed off I am, my weight loss (or gain) and of course IF. I don't talk about my job because I am concerned that somebody from work is going to find it.

I initially set this blog to invited readers because I was paranoid with a capital "P" that people in my office would find it and read it. The main problem with this is that I feel left out of the IF blogging community. I want to be a part of it but I don't want to be "out there" for all to see. I want to be recognised as a fellow IF but I also want anonymity.

I had a blog before this one but I never had a huge audience. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a huge audience, I don't want to be a popular blogger, I just want to feel part of the community that I anonymously dip into on a daily basis. I feel like I know these people. They are IF Neighbours and I am addicted to reading the next instalments. Reading other blogs allows me to escape from my own fears/hopes/despair, there are success stories that give you hope, tragic events that just knock the stuffing out of you and make you wish you could just meet that person to give them a hug, experiences that you are yet to encounter, hopes that you share and people that you have never met but would love to meet for a glass of wine.

So tonight, tonight I changed the permissions on my blog and I have made a decision to stop sitting on the fence and to start getting more involved with this community.

What does this blog tell you about me? It tells you that I am needy and lazy so please be gentle.

Frustration

I'm not sure how D and I are going to get through the next months/years of tests, waiting lists and appointments.

We view IF very differently, in fact, straight away I have hit on the problem. I consider us IF, D doesn't. He is convinced that it will happen because we have conceived in the past. As I said to D last night and I say today:

Me: That was over two years ago now and the pregnancy only lasted for two weeks.

Last night we got talking about the appointment:

Me: I think I am going to be disappointed after the appointment (always the optimist).
Him: Yes, I think you are.
Me: Why do you say that? (immediately on the defensive).
Him: Because you are wanting a quick fix and there isn't going to be one.
Me: I know there isn't going to be a quick fix. I know that he is going to suggest further tests and then I am going to have to wait for months on end to get the appointments.
Him: The tests aren't compulsory, you can chose not to have them.
Me: (voice getting v high pitched) I know they aren't compulsory but I am going to go through everything that is offered to ensure that we give this a chance. Are you telling me that you wouldn't do everything possible?
Him: No, I'm just saying that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.

A new kind of two week wait

I'm in the two week wait. Not the usual two week wait, this is the two week wait until my appointment at the hospital. I am so excited (although I am sure that it is going to be a total anti-climax) and I am also nervous (what if they discover lots of nasty things going on in there).

It does feel good to know that I am now on the first step to hopefully something happening. It has been 10 months since I first went to the doctor about this. 10 months. 10 more attempts at going it alone and still nothing. It makes me glad that I went to the doctors when I did.

Some good news at last

Last night I got home to see that there was a letter from the hospital. D and I have an appointment on Tuesday 9 September - just over TWO weeks, Wow! I can't believe it. After waiting so long it is finally here. I am a little nervous, don't know what to expect and was surprised to read that D had to come with me. Could this be the start of our luck changing? I hope so. Could really do with some.

PMT is rife, my period is on its way. Somehow I think I am going to be able to cope with it this month though ;-)

Here marks the start of the wait, proper,

because the waiting that I did from April to August was just pretend wait. It was a test to see whether I am actually cut out for this waiting game. And although I may have had a grumble occassionally I think I did pretty damn good. Now, surely this wait won't be so bad because at least I know that something should happen at the end of it (whenever that may be).

Delayed reaction

So last night was a bit of a nightmare. I was obviously reeling from the news that one of my old friends is 8 months pregnant as I spent the car journey on the way home in tears.

When D came home we started talking about his appointment at the doctors. Hearing the words "we need to relax" come out of his mouth turned me from slightly emotional to completely fucked off and showing said fucked offness by hurling obscene words at D. Of course this went down like a lead balloon and so D joined in with the obscene words and soon we were having quite an argument with lots of tears (on my behalf).

So here's what started it. D went to the doctors to get his second SA results (which showed an improvement on the morphology) but ended up talking to her about how he is feeling. He wanted to know whether he was suffering from depression so he asked for the symptoms, turns out he is stressed but he thinks that I am depressed!! The doctor told him that we should not worry about ttc as there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive and the fact that we did manage it in the past is a good thing. D agrees with the Doc, he is optimistic that it will happen one day, that isn't to say that he isn't stressed about it, but he is pretty confident that this will happen for us.

The problem? I am not at all convinced that this will happen for us. As I said to D last night, if we were going to be able to conceive naturally, wouldn't we have done so by now? We use a fertility monitor to find out when I am ovulating and we have sex around that time and still nothing. Basically, we have given it our best shot and that just isn't enough. Another thing that pissed me off is that the doctor says that we have nothing to worry about, we are now being referred (halleluah) and we match the criteria for funding on the NHS. Apparently lots of people are now having their families later (can you detect the sarcasm in my writing here) and it is quite common for people to have babies in their early 40's! My response (which was spat at my husband, not v attractive) was "I don't want to be having a fucking baby when I am 37, 38, or 39! That is too old for me." Of course, if push comes to shove I would probably be happy to have a baby in my late 30's but at the moment I am pissed off because I wanted to have a baby in my early 30's.

The outcome? We both calmed down and discussed it like the civil adults we are, made a couple of jokes about when we do become parents and then went and had sex (not make-up sex but the "we must have sex because I am ovulating" sex!)

Knew it was coming

This week I am mostly feeling FAT! Put on 2lbs at WW, wasn't really surprised as I had drunk way too much wine and eaten too many meals that were definitely not WW friendly.

D has gone to the doctors today to get the results of his second SA. I could tell that he was really worried last night, he is concerned that the morphology will be worse than it was last time. I really hope that everything is OK. I have been busy this morning so I haven't had a chance to phone him, I'll maybe catch him this afternoon.

Have been on Facebook this morning and discovered that a friend (my oldest friend) is 8 months pregnant. What do I want to do? I could really do with just crying and feeling sorry for myself but there are two things stopping me from doing either, the first is that I am at work so I can't just sit here and cry and the second is that I knew it was coming.

My friend got married in May 2007 and at the time I talked about starting a family (because I had been trying for a year). She was keen to start a family but said that she wasn't going to think about it just in case it didn't happen. Not thinking about it is OK when it eventually does happen but when you have been trying for a year you can't help but think about it. Anyway, she is 8 months pregnant, expecting a boy in September. So I have done the maths and if they started ttc when they got married it means that it only took them roughly 8 months to conceive. Oh to have got pregnant after 8 months of trying, I'd be happy to get pregnant after 24 months of trying, or how about 28.....

Back to reality

After 4 days worth of shopping, eating more than I should have and definitely drinking more than I should have, I am back at work. Same old routine, nothing has changed apart from my bank balance which has dropped dramatically!

One of my main purchases last week was a Pandora bracelet and I love it. My sister and I, whilst shopping with my niece and mum, decided that we both just had to have one. I bought the silver bracelet, a glass bead, a giraffe bead and a bead with a flip flop on and I can't wait to buy another! (This is just the sort of thing that my addictive personality loves!)

Last weeks visit to WW was fantastic, I lost an amazing 3.5lbs. Don't know how I did it but I think having my period the week before played a big part. I am definitely dreading this week (yes, I know that I dread it every week) but this week I have had lots of wine, Pimms, a Chinese and a roast dinner on Sunday with all the trimmings. Trying really hard to be good between now and Wednesday.

Tomorrow, it will be ten days since D submitted his second SA test. I'm going to get him to phone the doctors to see whether the results are in and then I am going to place lots of pressure on the doctors to ensure that my referral actually takes place this time.

Time out

Lets hope that this weeks visit to WW is better than last!

I'm not entirely sure that I will lose any weight this week as I had two bottles of wine at the weekend. The first was consumed on a visit to my in-laws (believe me it was needed) and the second was on Sunday night when D and I decided to get completely pissed. Needless to say, I was struggling with a hangover yesterday, didn't actually make it into work until lunch time!

After today I am off work for the rest of the week as my sister, niece and nephew are visiting. Really looking forward to seeing them, having time off, just chilling.

Reaction

What a shit night! My mood went downhill rapidly and, although I have recovered a bit today, I am not feeling great.

It started with my weekly visit to WW. I didn't lose any weight, which I know is better than putting on weight but is still very disappointing. I wanted to be in the next stone bracket before the end of July and I only had one pound to lose to achieve that but obviously it wasn't meant to be.

So, I'm in the car heading back to my mums. This is where it gets worse for me but won't mean a great deal to anybody else. It is also quite complicated!

My M & D live in a lovely part of our village and D and I have been desperate to move into this part of the village for 2 years now. Whenever we visit my M & D we get depressed because it just reminds us of how shit our area is, plus we have to go past a house that we were days away from buying before our buyers' buyer pulled out (constant reminder).

As a result of our desire to move to a better area D and I have viewed lots of houses in that area. There was one particular house that had everything that we wanted: hallway, utility, conservatory, south facing garden and within our price range. We viewed it and instantly fell in love with it. The couple who live in this house were lovely, they were buying the house next door (because it was 4 bedrooms and they wanted the extra room). This couple had one son who was about 1 and a half at the time of the viewing.

We were so keen on this house that we dropped the price of ours in an attempt to get a buyer. They were desperate to sell theirs because they had already put an offer in on the house next door and were going to have two mortgages going at once. In the end they pulled out of their sale with the four bedroom house and took their house off the market. When we got a buyer for ours I was so tempted to put a note through their door to see whether they would consider selling but in the end we went for one around the corner (the one we were days away from buying).

So that's the history, back to last night. We were travelling back to my mums and I see the couple walking. She is pushing a bike that the little boy is riding and he, well he is pushing a buggy, and it wasn't just any buggy, it was a double! Without thinking I blurting out, "I don't fucking believe it, they have twins now. Not only are they living in our ideal house they have two new babies, why the fuck can't D and I have anything that we want and every other fucker manages to have everything and more". My mum was speechless to say the least! And to add insult to injury, not only was it twins but it was one of each, a boy and a girl.

Now I know that it isn't natural to react in this way but I have my period and sometimes things just make me flip. I went to my mums, had a glass of wine, hijacked the bottle and drunk the rest of it at home. When D came home I just burst in to tears telling him. I was a state, I was feeling really sorry for myself and felt so low. Went to bed slightly happier because D and I had a good chat. Woke up at 3am with period pains from hell (yet another reminder) and a hangover!

I am so sick of this, I can think about other things, focus on positives and refuse to let this whole thing get to me but, at the end of the day, it is always going to be there, lurking, waiting for a situation like the one yesterday.

Wednesday weigh in

I have been back at WW for 14 weeks now and in those 14 weeks I have lost 17lbs. Not a fantastic weight loss but a good steady weight loss that I am really pleased with.

I am starting to feel like myself again. I definitely have more energy and it has kept my mind focused on something other than ttc.

Panic

Feeling a bit panicky today as I have let thoughts of 'this may never happen for us' in to my head. Most of the time I am OK but occasionally I'll just let myself think about this never happening for us. I really don't think that I could adopt so the only option we would have is to live childless. My age also makes me panic, I'm 33 and I just get plain scared when I think about how long this could take on the NHS. Why did this have to be so difficult when so many others manage it so easily?

D did his second SA test today, I am so glad that he has got it out of the way. It has been hanging over our heads for three months and now we can move on. D stalled doing both of the SA tests and I think the main reason for this was because he was hoping I would get pregnant which in turn would mean that he wouldn't have to do it! Men!

Good weekend

I had quite a good weekend, spent Saturday pottering (waiting for a delivery) and then Sunday was spent in the garden, putting a new fence up and painting fence panels. The weather was HOT, HOT, HOT, in fact it was too hot. I managed to burn my back even though I tried to stay out of the sun. No doubt, due to good old British weather it will be freezing this week.

I have had PMT all weekend and last night also had a small amount of spotting so AF is definitely on its way. Yet another cycle goes by. Surprised? Not really. Trying hard to stay positive. D is doing his second SA tomorrow so at least things will start to move forward again. In two weeks I am going to be back on to the doctors, chasing my referral.

After reading Womb for Improvement's encounter of a HSG I am feeling slightly apprehensive about the invasive tests. My biggest worry at the moment (because I like to worry about the stuff that doesn't really warrant worry) is having to place a suppository up my back passage. I was sharing my fear with D at the weekend and when I asked him if he would place said thing up my back passage he was quite clear that he wouldn't be going there and laughed his head off when I said that I'd get my mum to do it!

Who wants the hassle of ttc?

The only surprise about this is how long it took to get out!

Take two

This is my second blog.

My first blog was started after I attended a conference where blogs were very high on the agenda. I didn't want to start a blog to do with my job so I thought that I would focus on something else that was important in my life. I had performed numerous searches on the Internet for ttc/if blogs and, at the time, wasn't very successful so I thought that I was entering a relatively small area. Later, I realised that there was a whole world of ttc/if bloggers out there, I just hadn't found them.

My first blog was created in June 2007 and lasted for about 8 months. During that time I vented a lot of anger (more than I vent on here), I was really struggling with ttc. The blog was open for all to read. I won't lie, at first I was quite nervous about writing about stuff that anybody could stumble across and read. I even remember blushing when my second or third post was commented on by a young lad who was amazed at what people write about in their blogs!

As my confidence grew I started to comment on the other ttc/if blogs (mostly American) and in return I received comments back. It was quite exciting to receive comments and I definitely miss not getting any on this blog. In fact, I have toiled with the idea of making it open again for all to see however, I am paranoid with a capital P and I am worried that somebody from work will stumble across it - crazy I know.


I can't remember why I deleted my first blog. I think I was having a particularly bad time of it and was just so fed up with the whole ttc/if thing that, one day, I hit the delete button. I wish I hadn't deleted it because it would be good to be able to look back and see how far I have come.

Nobody close to me knows about this blog, not even the husband. The husband knew about the first one and didn't think that it was a good idea so I have decided to keep this one as it is called. It would be good to get some readers and today I sent an invite out to a fellow ttc/if blogger (from the UK!) and I hope that she comes and visits.

17lbs lighter

I lost 1.5lbs this week. Really pleased. That means in total that I have lost 17lbs, only another 18.5lbs to go!

I am slightly worried that I have it in my head that I am going to get pregnant if I manage to get my weight back down. Why would I think along these lines? Well, the only positive pregnancy test I have had was when we had been ttc for three months and I was 7.5lbs lighter than I am now. I'm not stupid, I know that it is very unlikely that just losing weight will suddenly make me fertile but, I know that deep down that thought is always going to be at the back of my mind. I am worried that I will start to get really depressed when I get down to this weight and beyond and realise that this hasn't been the answer to our problems.

Tiredness, weight loss and being left behind

I am so tired at the moment. I was just starting to feel better, have a bit more energy and now I just feel like I could sleep, sleep, sleep. I hate that after lunch period at work because it really is an effort to keep my eyes open and my attention on work.

It's weigh in tonight. I have been so good this week (even though I have been extra hungry) and I was feeling quite positive about a good weight loss however, the usual doubt is now starting to kick in. Just popped to the shops at lunch and I felt so FAT. I am now convinced that I will not have lost anything tonight. I have three pounds to go to get in the next stone bracket, I can't wait. Only another 9lbs and I will be back to my pre-ttc weight. That just about sums up the last two years of my life, most people talk about getting back to the pre-pregnancy weight but I am working towards getting back to my pre-ttc weight! So, that means it has taken me two years to put on just over a stone and a half, not bad going hey! That's what you get from being miserable. I wish I was one of these people who lose weight when they are miserable!

So, will the weight ticker change for the better tomorrow? I hope so.

On another ttc note and something I touched on yesterday, I currently check in on 16 IF blogs, out of that 16, 4 have had a baby after a battle with ttc and/or pregnancy, 8 are pregnant and 4 are still on the IF roller coaster. I'm really struggling with these statistics and was actually looking at some others to replace those that have been successful. I have removed some of the successful bloggers and will probably narrow them down further once the 8 have produced a healthy baby (apart from the ones that I really enjoy reading).

Wish me luck for tonight.....

Me next

I have a list of IF bloggers that I check in on a regular basis. Over recent weeks quite a lot of these IF blogs have turned into pregnancy blogs. I am really happy for these people but I can't help but think "when will it be me?" Every time I hear these success stories I lose a little bit of hope that it could happen to me, it makes me think that I am going to be the one that doesn't succeed.

I'm just about coping with IF at the moment. I have moments when it is particularly hard and there isn't a day that goes by when I don't wish or dream that this is going to happen for us, but I am trying not to let it totally rule my life. I'm 33 and I really don't want to look back in five years time and think that I have wasted, what should be the best years of my life, on waiting for something which may never happen.

I was talking to my hairdresser the other day. My hairdresser is about to start IVF so we sit and chat about all things IF. We are in a similar situation in that we are both struggling to be able to conceive, rather than carry a pregnancy to full term. I actually admitted to her that part of me is jealous of the women that can conceive quite easily but who struggle to carry a pregnancy beyond the first trimester. I know that this is a horrible thing to say but it is so frustrating when you don't even get a chance at this thing. On two of the blogs that I read both the women have experienced two miscarriages and then have gone on to have a perfectly healthy pregnancy (fingers crossed for one of them as she is 15 weeks gone at the moment). To not even achieve a positive pregnancy is so frustrating. I haven't have a positive pregnancy test for near on two years now and I am so frustrated. To get past the first hurdle would certainly give me more hope than what I have at the moment.

Another week goes by...

D tried to get an appointment at the clinic for next Tuesday but he was told that it would have to be the week after because they are fully booked. Looks like there is rush on Semen deposits! It doesn't suprise me because quite frankly when have we NOT had to wait?! I think "wait" should be my new middle name, seriously, I hate the word and all that it stands for.

That means he will submit his little swimmers on 29 July, give two weeks for the results (12 August) and then I am going to get back onto the doctors about our referral. So all in all we would have waited 4 months just to be referred - GREAT! Because, didn't you know, I have all the time in the world.

Still not monitoring O but I obviously have an idea of when it is. Really don't want to do the big "could I be" this month, getting sick of it to be honest with you. I have had so many let downs that I really can't face anymore. I wish there was a pill to stop you having period/pregnancy thoughts for a few cycles.

The good news is that my BMI is down and I am starting to feel good about myself again. In fact, I'm viewing the weight loss as a release from the ttc time when I put it all on. Looking forward to getting down to my pre-ttc weight (only 9lbs to go). I can't believe that I only have 9lbs to go until my pre-ttc weight, that is so good.

This weekend D and I are going to concentrate on the garden (weather permitting). I'm really looking forward to it because it allows you to forget about the everyday shit and seeing an improvement at the end of the day boosts you even more.

Feeling better

My cold is finally on its way out.

At WW last night I lost another 1.5lbs which I was really pleased with as I haven't been sticking to it as rigidly as I have in the past.

Nothing much is happening in the world of ttc. I am still waiting for a letter from the doctor about my referral and I am pestering D to book his second SA for next Tuesday. Trying not to think about it really as it just winds me up. My yearning for a baby is so strong some times that I think it is going to take over.

Busy, busy, busy at work so trying hard not to look at IF blogs all the time or do shopping on the Internet. Spent way too much money recently so I am going to have to curb that. D is thinking about applying for another job, locally, so there wouldn't be too much of an upheaval if he got it. Me, I'm thinking about retaking my GCSE maths with a view to eventually doing teaching training. If I'm not going to have a family I really will need to reassess my career as I am not particularly happy where I am. Don't get me wrong, I love my job but I just get so frustrated by the managers and the whole ethos of the institution in which I work. I know that sometimes it is better the devil you know but I'm not sure that I can stay here for the next ten years or so and there really are few jobs, in this area, in the field that I am qualified in.

So that's it. Nothing exciting to report, just plodding along trying not to think about trying to conceive!

Summer cold

I have a summer cold and I blame it completely on Boy.zone. A friend and I went to see Boy.zone a week last Saturday and it absolutely chucked it down and was very cold. Since then I have felt rough and the roughness has now progressed to a full on snotty cold with a very irritating cough.

I am now waiting for my friends to start the ball rolling on the next round of babies. I know for a fact that they are trying and I am expecting an email containing exciting news any day now. My Boy.zone friend has been trying for a couple of months and she had the front to sit there and say that she took it really hard when they didn't succeed on her last cycle. Honestly, what are these people like? I said, multiple that by 26 and welcome to my world! She was talking about how they feel like they are putting their life on hold, not sure whether they will be expecting their second child and I said, trying putting your life on hold for nearly 2.5 years!

I would be so happy with just the one child. I always wanted to have two but now knowing how hard it is to get one I really would be happy if we were only to have one. I so want to feel the joy of finding out that I am pregnant, maintaining that pregnancy, experiencing child birth and the love of having produced a baby. Will I ever experience any of that? I'm now not so sure. I'm pretty sure that we are not going to achieve a successful pregnancy and birth without assistance so I guess I will just have to wait.

Wait/weight - such an annoying fucking word. I hate it. I hate waiting, I have spent all of my 30's waiting for something to happen - waiting for D to say that he wanted to start a family, waiting for a positive pregnancy test, waiting to hear that friends are expecting, waiting to hear news of new arrivals, waiting for somebody to come and buy our house, waiting for doctors appointments, waiting for blood tests, waiting for hospital appointments, waiting for the announcement of expectant mums (round 2). In addition to this I have spent my life putting on and then having to lose weight. It seems that this word, no matter what context it is in, is set to plague me. It definitely is a word that could sum up my life.

What a waste of time

I phoned the doctors on Wednesday to chase my referral - it's been three months and I haven't had a letter from them so I was beginning to wonder whether the referral had actually taken place. Didn't really want to phone and had been thinking about doing it for a couple of weeks. Wednesday was spent toying with the idea and then I started to do some research on the Internet about the referral procedure in the area I live in.

It seems that if you haven't had a letter from the hospital in 4-12 weeks of referral you should go back to your GP and ask them to chase it. After reading this I was straight on the phone. Turns out I have wasted three months because the referral never took place. Deep down I knew this would happen, that is why I had been contemplating phoning for so long.

What did they blame it on? The fact that D has yet to produce a second SA. I know for a fact that the doctor said that she would not wait for this to happen before referring us. That it was just something the hospital would expect but that it would not stop the referral going ahead in April. So now I am on at D to get the bloody sample done so that we can move on. Thing is you can only take it in on a Tuesday morning and you have to have ejaculated 7 days prior to the test but no more than 3 days before the test. We haven't had sex for a couple of weeks because I have had my period, been away and now I am ill. Tonight is the night that we have to have sex if he is going to get that test in on Tuesday. Do I fancy sex? Not really, I have the snottiest nose ever and my throat feels like it has a cheese grater attacking it.

So, it doesn't look like the test is going to take place next week. In fact, I will be amazed if it takes place next week.

Here marks the start of another 3 months of waiting.

Cycle 28

and still no joy.

That's 28 attempts at conceiving a baby.

Out of those 28 attempts one was successful for about a week and a half.

28

Surely it must be my turn soon.....

Ramblings of a crazy woman - part 2

So I POAS last night and it was definitely negative. I suppose it did stop my mind from racing away with dreams of pregnancy and a baby. I did manage to stop myself thinking "what if" (although I cleaned the house like a crazy woman as I thought we were having people round to view it today) and I am not totally depressed - not yet anyway.

Still feel very odd.

Not sure why. Perhaps I am a bit depressed.

I am dreading WW tonight, if I don't either stay the same or lose some weight I am going to be so pissed off. This really is the wrong time for me at the moment.

I am so busy at work but I just can't concentrate on anything. My mind feels like it has been taken over by the ttc aliens who are brainwashing me so that in the end I will have nothing in my life bar ttc. Where has my life gone and how can I get it back?

Ramblings of a crazy woman

OK, this is getting ridiculous now. I am convincing myself that I am pregnant and I know, deep down, that it is complete and utter tosh but I just can't stop myself.

I'm not officially "late" yet and I have definitely been having PMT symptoms BUT (and that is a v big but) I just feel different. I can't put my finger on it but I definitely feel different.

I know that I am going to have an almighty come down when the red spotting does start but I really cannot think any other way.

Do I go to the shop and get a pregnancy test? I have run out at home (what timing) and I'm thinking that by POAS at least I will know either way. I am in the stage when I NEED TO KNOW and if I don't find out soon I will go CRAZY.

I think I will go and get a test. You watch, I'll go and buy a test and by the time I have driven home I will have started spotting because that is the fucking shit world that I seem to be stuck in.

That is the only thing stopping me from getting a test, because I know if I do the blood will start pouring and then I will be as depressed as hell. Still, I suppose it is better to get my period now rather than at the weekend when I am away.

TWW = feeling like shit

I'm in the shit part of the TWW. You know, the part where you start to get PMT symptoms, when you prepare yourself for the worst every time you go to the toilet, where you start to hear all the success stories and, where hope starts to fade fast but there is still that little voice at the back of your head telling you that this could be the month.

I hate this part so much.

My PMT symptoms are the same as they are every other month.

I feel like I am going see the fucking annoying arrival of AF any minute now so why would slight pink spotting surprise me.

A friend emailed to tell me that one of her friends (a fellow IF) is pregnant. My friend was very good about the whole thing and said in the email that she was aware that the news would probably raise a lot of feelings for me. And she is right. I really am pleased for her friend as she has been through a lot and, if I am totally honest with you, I didn't think that she would ever achieve pregnancy. BUT there is now the thought that I am the only IF friend that my friend has. I am the 1 out of 6 and although it should offer me hope, it hasn't.

I am 33 and my dream of having a family is fading fast. I never thought that I would be here, at this stage of my life. I am sick of people not understanding, of fear crossing their face when I say that I am infertile. Apparently I don't know that for sure and there are lots of things that can be done nowadays but, at the end of the day, there really is not much hope that this is going to work for us. I have a husband who does not want to go down the path of IVF and we don't have the money to pay for it anyway so it would involve a very long wait on the NHS waiting list. Adopt? No, I really don't think that it is for me. Why? I can't stand the thought of being interviewed by a panel of people who will ask very personal questions about my marriage and relationships with my family. I am always amazed that anybody can conceive and give birth to a baby but if a couple is unable to do this they have to go through a scanning process which is in personal and stressful.

I know this feeling will pass when my period comes. I will have a couple of days of feeling totally sorry for myself then I will pick myself up and get on with my life (for about three weeks), then it is back to the wonderful world of hope (for about a week), before I sink back into this shit part.

Update

I have had a really good couple of days. Went to Wimbledon for the day which was absolutely fantastic, followed by shopping at Windsor.

The weight ticker hasn't changed as I didn't get weighed this week because I was at Wimbledon on weigh day. I am dreading weigh in next Wednesday as, although I didn't eat loads while I was away, everything that I did eat was bad. Also, it is that shit time of the month again when my body feels the need to retain weight.

We are at a BBQ tonight and I am dreading it. I know there is going to be lots of good food there and I just won't be able to touch it. I'm not really in the mood to socialise but I am sure that I will be alright once I get there. It is just my usual bad weekend as today I started to get the usual PMT symptoms, the PMT symptoms that could also be pregnancy symptoms so I have been thinking non stop about "what if" today. Which I know is pointless but I really can't help myself. I'm away next weekend so I could really do with my period coming at the beginning of this week, that way the heavy part of it will be over for my stay over at my sisters and then friends.

I still haven't received a letter from the hospital about an appointment with a consultant. It will soon be 3 months! I am getting so sick of waiting.

D and I are going to book a holiday abroad for early November so that will give us something to look forward to. I really am starting to feel better about my weight loss and I am looking forward to getting into the next stone bracket. So, I suppose those are a couple of things to look forward to.

In-laws

Sometimes I ask myself what I did in another life to get ILs like mine. I don't ask for much, but a MIL that watches East.enders and occasionally has a glass of wine would be good. My MIL needs to lighten up. She is such hard work. The ILs are small village people who have never stepped out of their comfort zone. They know everybody in the area. My FIL is rude and a complete racist and sexist. My MIL is a supposed christian who doesn't believe in sex or living together before marriage, drinking, women being independent and strong individuals, doesn't really watch TV because she disapproves of most TV programmes, doesn't have any hobbies and is a bit of a manic depressive. My ILs two sons are fucked up. Fucked up beyond belief. The reason they are fucked up....their parents. They both have this amazing guilt thing going on and if they don't see or speak to their parents in a while the guilt takes over. They won't say anything against their parents because of the guilt. I'm not suggesting that they should constantly slag their parents off but they should be able to voice opinions which may differ from that of their parents.

Visiting the ILs is a whole new ball game. When you go to visit them it becomes a marathon. You can't just pop in for a cup of tea, it has to be 8 hours and from the moment you walk in the door you have the FIL commenting on leaving, making you feel guilty. See, there it is, that guilt thing again. Because of the way they are when we go and visit it makes me dread visiting, D is aware of this and tries to put off visiting because he knows how they wind me up. D understands but doesn't understand because if he admits that he understands he will feel guilty. The guilt thing yet again.

It is the MIL birthday next week and she has told son number 1 (that is the first born not the favourite) that she doesn't want anything but, if we feel like we have to give her something then she would prefer money so that she can give it to charity. Now this comment has really got my back up, why doesn't she just let us buy her presents for her to enjoy on her birthday? Why can't her family just be free to buy her something? And who is she to say that she wants money so that she can give it to charity? To me she is suggesting that we should be giving more to charity and I take offence to it. (I know, I know that I am probably reading too much into it but this is exactly how they wind me up).

So, today I have gone out and bought her a present. I have bought her a really cute door stop (fabric cat door stop from L.aura A.shley) it is very cute and I would love to keep it for myself but I won't. I haven't spent a lot of money on her but I have got her something.

Now, the whole birthday thing is quite an issue for me because every birthday I get crap (I know, there I go again with the whole ungrateful thing) and if it isn't crap it is books about Christianity and if it isn't books about that it is crap for the kitchen (plastic cups and trays!!) I am so tempted to tell her not to bother with my birthday next year because really, the only place that benefits from it, is the charity shop! See, I do give to charity and so does she in a roundabout way.

OK, so now I feel guilty for typing this and slagging them off because deep down they aren't bad people, they are just very different people and very set in their ways. Why can't I get over the whole IL thing? Why do I avoid the phone when they call? Why do I argue with D about them? Why do I feel like I am being punished? Why do they make me feel like a 5 year old? One of the things that I was hoping would shift the whole D and me and IL thing was having a family of our own. It would take the pressure off of us and allow them to focus on something else (have I mentioned that MIL seems to be obsessed with me and how much I am like her?!)

There is so much more I could say about them but this post will be the longest post in the world so I am going to have to save it for future rants, I mean posts.

WOW!

Lost an amazing 3.5lbs this week.

I really didn't think that I had lost anything so it was definitely a surprise. Hoping to reach my goal by September/October time, which is still achievable. I am so pleased with myself for sticking to the diet this time, I really needed to do something to help me have a more positive outlook and I think the weight loss is helping. Come November when D and I go on holiday I hopefully won't mind wearing a bikini!! Just need to get started on the exercise side now. Still don't feel like doing anything but I did say that once I had lost half a stone I would give it a go.

This is going to be a long post as I have too much shit going on in my head

Things are not right at the moment and I don't know what I can do change them. I knew that going to the doctors, having tests and pursuing possible assistance with conception would cause problems with my marriage. Those fears have proved spot on. D and I are going through a rough patch, a very rough patch. We can pretend that we are surviving, that we are strong and that we will not be beaten by IF but, that's what it is, a pretence, and it is only a matter of time before we are exhausted by it. What then? Where will we, as a couple, go from there?

I wish that we were stronger but we aren't. We are too alike.

Our views on IF differ a lot and our views on assisted conception are complete opposites. D doesn't really want to go down that path (and don't get me wrong, nor do I) but I am willing to try anything if the end result is a family. D isn't willing to try anything and still has faith that this will work for us if it is meant to be. How can I make him see otherwise? I can't, I have been trying for two years now and I really don't think that he is going to change how he feels. Can I live a childless life with him? Will I hold it against him? At this moment in time I really don't know the answers to these questions.

In the world of IF blogs there has been so many BFP. I am happy for these bloggers because they get to move on to the next stage of IF, the cautious 9 months wait where a number of hurdles have to be jumped before you can believe that this is actually going to come good. I hate that I know about this shit, I hate that it is an issue in our marriage, and I hate the person it has turned me into it. That is the hardest thing out of all of this. There was a time when I was happy, when little things would make me smile and I didn't constantly have a "what if..." crossing my mind over every little thing.

Part of me would really love to go back to my life before I became an infertile. Why did we think about trying for a baby? Now that we have made that decision we have made ourselves the infertile couple, the one that everyone will look at with pity.

I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and a couple of lines from a Kate Nash song hit me hard:

"My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations, and I know that I should let go, but I can't."

Life is so unfair

I didn't lose any weight this week. Wasn't expecting a huge weight loss (and when I say huge I mean anything over 1.5lbs) but I did hope that I would lose at least 0.5lbs. The only thing that I can put it down to is my period.

Just come across this blog which has made me very sad. I can't believe the pain that people have to go through and deep down I am grateful for what I have now. Part of me wishes that I had never come across it. Life is just so unfair....

Today a work colleague said that I am obsessed with babies! (Doh!) She proceeded to ask me if I was feeling broody! What could I say to that? I didn't say anything, because there is no point in getting into it. People who haven't been through the whole ttc thing are so naive. At this particular moment I don't feel anger towards these people and the stupid things that come out of their mouths, I just feel sad, sad that I know about this shit. Really I wish that I was one of them, if only hey......

The difference between an infertile and a fertile

I recently emailed a friend who conceived her first child without really trying, she emailed me back saying that it took her awhile to work out what "ttc" stood for.

Just one of the many things that make you realise how different an infertile's life is to a fertile's....if only, hey!

Bored!

There is nothing to report. I don't know what cycle day I am on (I know that I could work it out quite easily but I am trying not to think about it), nothing is happening on the home front and D and I are just plodding along. We did have a huge argument on Monday which resulted in lots of tears. Why did we have an argument? The usual, it always boils down to the baby thing. I am so sick of not being happy that I refuse to let my unhappiness rule. So, as of yesterday I turned a new leaf, I'm not going to think of everything that is shit in my life, I'm not going to beat myself up about the fact that I can't get pregnant, the fact that we can't sell our house or the fact that I am 26.5lbs overweight. Instead, I am going to think of other things, good things.

I know this mood (I'm not going to call it positivity because it isn't) isn't going to last, but for now it is the only thing that I can hold on to. The next couple of months are going to be a holiday from the usual shit, I am going to enjoy the summer and go back to worrying, stressing and trying again in the autumn. A break is just what we need right now - and please, nobody say, "you never know, it may happen when you are on a break because you are both relaxed" because it WON'T so DON'T even go THERE.

The C.learblue f.ertility monitor (CFM) has temporarily been suspended

I have taken the batteries out of the CFM as I think D and I should have a couple of months off. Things have become strained lately and so I am going to concentrate on us as a couple rather than us as ttc. I know that I am still going to think about when I am likely to be ovulating and the two week wait will be full of the usual thoughts of success or failure but the CFM has become such a tie. Also, I am away for a few days towards the end of the month and at the beginning of July so our timing will probably be completely out.

D is back from his holiday tonight. I am so looking forward to seeing him. I have booked tomorrow off work so that we can spend some quality time together.

Went to see Sex and the City today and I thought it was really good. Had been warned by another blog about the whole Charlotte adopting and then falling pregnant "because that is what happens you know" thing so it wasn't too bad to actually sit through it. Funniest parts of the film were Charlotte pooping herself and Miranda's bikini line! I'm not really a SATC fan (in fact I am not sure that I have ever seen an episode all the way through) but after today I am tempted to start watching the re-runs. To have friendships as strong as that would be amazing.

Small celebration

Three posts in one day is definitely a first for me but I forgot to mention this earlier so I thought I'd do it now.

I am now under the weight that I gave the doctor. When I started WW I was actually 6.5lbs heavier than what I had told the doctor so, to now be 2.5lbs under is a real incentive.

See, I can achieve some things......

How much can a mood change in an afternoon?

In the space of an afternoon my mood has plummeted. I am sick of this crap, I am feeling so trapped by what my body can't do.

I'm also fucking pissed off with how long it is taking for a hospital appointment to come through, at least if I had that it would be something for me to focus on. Instead, I am living from one bad mood to the next, feeling bright for about a week and a half and then going back to feeling like shit. I wish that I could think about something else, I wish I had more in my life than the desire for a family, I wish I could give this crap up.

When I was feeling quite positive I did start to think that I could cope with this if it wasn't meant to be for us however, deep down I really don't know whether I could. Every sodding month would just be a reminder of how much of a failure I am. I am so angry at everybody that manages this. I'm obsessed with everybody that manages this. I'm just so ANGRY. Angry that my life and marriage has become this one big issue.

I'm really trying to focus on other things and the weight loss is definitely helping. I'm glad that I am finally getting a grip on that but really, what else is there to focus on when your whole future life and plans are balancing on something which is so unachievable?

The reason for this mood - my period of course. On CD 22 I start to bleed, CD bloody 22. Why not just be done with it and give me one permanent period.

When will I stop kidding myself?

I can't believe that I am still thinking that this could happen. When will it get to the point that I no longer think that this could be the month? When will a cycle just be a cycle and I won't even think about what if...?

My cycle is getting shorter and shorter and the PMS is getting worse. I only hope that I can hold it together better this month than I did last because I totally lost the plot last month.

Some good news, I lost 2.5lbs last night which was absolutely amazing as I really didn't feel like I had lost anything. I certainly didn't do anything different this week and, what with being due on, I was sure that it wasn't going to be a very good week. Anyway, I have managed to get my BMI down to 28.8, if I can keep going I will hopefully be under 28 by the time I get my hospital appointment through. At least there is some positivity in my life at the mo.

Home alone

As of tonight I will be home alone for a whole week. I'm quite looking forward to the me time but I'm not so keen on the night time. Hopefully I will be able to sleep without D next to me.

I'm currently in the 2ww and I am amazing myself at how positive I am feeling this month. Positivity is a good thing, right?! I know that because I have actually thought about the possibility that THIS may be THE month it means that it is NOT going to be THE month but I just can't seem to help it. It has been one of our best months for attempting this thing in a long time and it is that thought that is keeping me so positive.

Saying that, I am thinking of taking time off from the fertility monitor after this cycle. I think it is putting too much pressure on us and a couple of months without it will hopefully do us the world of good. Anyway, it's not as if there aren't other signs to look for so I'll still have an idea of when I am ovulating.

I've given up waiting for the referral letter from the hospital after I read a few message boards. In some areas women had waited three years to get to the top of the waiting list for NHS funded IVF so there really isn't any rush.

After having a bad couple of weeks last month I am back to feeling positive again. I really do hate the roller coaster of emotions and each time I get to this more positive state of mind I hope that it is a sign of me COPING better with the whole IF thing and one day I am sure that it will be. For now I am happy to NOT focus on all the stuff that doesn't seem to want to happen to us, like sell our house and get the hell out of a road that winds up us beyond belief or, get pregnant. That stuff is not going to wind me up for the next few months, at least, as I am determined to enjoy the summer.

I'm going to focus on the more positive things, like the fact that I have so far lost 6.5lbs and another 0.5lb means that I will have lost half a stone. I still have a long way to go but slowly is the best way to lose it so I am not complaining.

The start of a better week - hopefully

My weekend went from bad to worse to pretty good. I cannot believe the state I was in towards the end of last week. For some bizarre reason I had it in my head that D wasn't in love with me anymore. I know, it sounds so silly to actually come out and admit it on a post but it was how I was feeling. The main reasons for this are that we have been having very little intimate time together, you know how it is, trying for a baby just kills your sex life. Sex was a burden and something we just did when we had to. Thankfully this weekend we have sorted that out.

We celebrated my birthday along with D's brother and his partner. The problem with this is that D's brother and his partner (let's call them YIN and YANG) always end up arguing when they go out. They apparently love each other but you wouldn't believe it. Anyway, to cut a VERY long story short. YIN wants to get married and have kids but YANG doesn't. YIN gave birth to a stillborn many years ago and (understandably) has lots of issues and to top it off she lost her mother 4 weeks ago. So, YIN is in a very vulnerable state at the moment and YANG isn't helping when he spends a lot of time refusing to discuss future plans etc. Now I am not saying that YANG should marry YIN just because she is in a vulnerable state and needs the stability at the moment, I am saying that YANG should not be AFRAID to marry her just in case she runs off with his money and he definitely shouldn't let the issues that he has with his own upbringing stop him from doing something that would really and truly be the making of him.

WW last night was interesting, I was so scared about going because I was convinced that I would have put on weight after the weekend that I had and I was amazed to discover that I had lost a pound. I'm very happy with that and next week I am hoping for an even better weight loss as I have decided that this is the week that I will increase my activity levels. My incentive is obviously the baby thing but also D and I are thinking of going abroad in November and I am hoping by then that I'll be at goal.

D is off on a boys holiday on Monday and although I am going to miss him like mad, I am looking forward to the ME time. Everybody seems to think that I am not going to survive for a week without him, seeing as I have a VIVID imagination and will probably spend all night, every night thinking that somebody is trying to break into the house. But, I think it will be good for me, good for us.

So here marks the start of a more positive week and hopefully a more positive me.

Nuff said....

What would I like for my birthday this year?

The same thing as the last two years......

Bad week

This week has just gone from bad to worse. Usually at this point in my cycle I am feeling positive and hopeful however, I am currently depressed, despairing of my situation and life, and a total emotional wreak.

I do wonder if it has something to do with the fact that I will be 33 on Sunday. It is dawning on me that I am a miserable bitch and that I have been for nearly two whole years. I am so sick of being miserable but I really can't seem to lift myself out of this depressing bubble and move forward.

Last night I asked D whether he thought giving acupuncture would be a good idea and I couldn't believe what his response was. He asked me why I was considering acupuncture and when I said to try and help the infertile situation he turned around and said that we weren't infertile, that it would happen if and when it is meant to be. I could have swung for him because I was really starting to think that he understood the situation and was able to be supportive but the truth is that he doesn't and isn't. At least he wasn't last night. I know that he IS feeling this shit and that it does hurt him but he just doesn't know how to deal with it. He is a bloke after all. We really are no good for each other when we are like this because we are just too alike, sometimes I am amazed that our marriage has lasted as long as it has.

There are some things which really get to me about D and one of the biggest is the relationship that he has with GOD. After a childhood of GOD smothering by his mother he has grown into an adult with a LOT of issues. He is convinced that he is being punished for something that he has done in his life (probably from appearing to lose his religion), that this is typical of how he's life is and that I would be better off going and finding somebody else who can give me what I want. Oh and to top it off he doesn't believe in medical intervention which is why I spent a lot of time wondering whether to even bother going to the doctor because if we do discover that we need medical assistance he probably won't go for it.

I am happy to try alternative medicine and if that doesn't work then I would not think twice about medical intervention as what I want is a BABY and it doesn't matter how we get it as long as we do.

I am so tired of this battle with IF, the battle that I have with my husband, and the internal battle that I have with my own guilt. You see, I'm the real reason we are being punished, I was the one who had a termination at 15 and probably destroyed my only chance of carrying a pregnancy to full term. I chose not to be a mother at that time and I'm beginning to think that may have been the worst mistake I have ever made.

Pissed off

I am so fucking pissed off.

A colleague announced that she is 3 months pregnant today. I have been expecting this announcement for a while now but I will be totally honest and tell you that it has knocked me for six. This colleague got married last September and being 37 I thought that if they are planning on having a family they will be starting sooner rather than later, and sooner it is. In fact, I don't know why it has hit me so hard because the last time I saw her I was convinced that she was pregnant, there was just something about her. Thing is, if they only got married last September, and lets say they started trying a month or two before, it means that she was trying for 7 months and voila, there you have it, she is up the duff.

Why is this happening to me? Why can't we be expecting a baby, I wouldn't mind having to wait for a year or even two but it isn't even happening now. I am getting so sick of waiting. I'm WAITING for the good old NHS to send me an appointment for the consultant and when I receive that I will have to WAIT for THAT appointment. And then after the appointment with the consultant I will have to WAIT for the appointments for the tests. And then after the tests I will have to WAIT for an appointment with the consultant again and then when I have had a second appointment with the consultant I may be on a WAITING list for IVF and so there begins the longest fucking WAIT of it all. I think by the time all the above happens it is pretty guaranteed that I will be at my goal weight and just about at the end of my tether!