It's getting boring now

This morning I decided to have a quick look at shove it in your F.acebook to see what wonderful things are happening in people I have encountered friends lives. I was innocently munching on my porridge, minding my own business when I came across the following update:

Super fertile (obviously I have changed her name to protect her identity) is relieved that the 12 week scan went well this morning... baby no.2 is well on the way!!!

BABY NO.2! She has only just popped out BABY NO.1! Well, 8 months ago. Why the rush? Does she think she is getting old so needs to get on with it? I was so tempted to respond with something along those lines but decided against it. After all, I don't want to come across as a bitter and twisted infertile, that would never do. But it was VERY tempting.

The last correspondence we had went along the following lines:

HER: Any news on a family yet? (I told her that we had been trying to conceive for a year when I met up with her just before her wedding).
ME: No, it's looking like assisted conception.
HER: Have you thought of adopting? There are loads of children out there who would love to have you as their mum.
ME: I didn't respond to the adoption comment because I really didn't trust myself but I did think along the following - Oh really, pray tell me where I can find all these children? Are they just roaming the streets? Can I pick? Will they still be warm from the womb?! I know, I'm getting a bit creepy now. I won't go on, you get the gist.

My only comforting thought is that if friends are popping them out left, right and centre, there may come a time (hopefully soon) when these pregnancy announcements stop.

My name is Fucking Idiot

In March I went to visit three university friends. Two of the friends were 8 months pregnant with their second child and one of them, my very best friend, the one that I lived with for over five years, was trying for her second baby. Over the weekend she talked to me a lot about her frustration and how difficult the whole ttc process is when it doesn't happen straight away (they conceived their first child before they were ever really trying). She said that she finally understood how I must be feeling and that she really felt for me and wished that I would be the next to conceive. When I asked her how long they had been trying she said that it would be a year in May.

Yep, she really was comparing her 11 months, although it was actually 10 months because she said that they took a month off, to me and the length of time I have been trying to conceive. I let it go because, after all, I know that it is difficult no matter how long you have been trying.

Yesterday, I received an email from her informing me that she is 14 weeks pregnant. She was pregnant the weekend I saw her, yes, it was very early and probably very unlikely that she knew but this news has made me feel very angry and, quite frankly, like a bit of a fucking idiot. Me, [the fucking idiot] listened to her heartache about how not conceiving was putting a strain on their relationship, that she was struggling to cope every month and that she was so fed up that she had stopped popping folic acid. Me, [the fucking idiot] gave her sympathy and encouragement and told her to start taking folic acid again.

If you haven't guessed, the email (read at work yesterday) left me devastated. I fought back tears all day and then, in the car journey on the way home, it all came flooding out. I feel so sad and angry. I'm sad because I really am beginning to feel like this isn't meant for us. And the anger, the anger is beginning to scare me. I'm not angry with her (I know that people need to get on with their lives and really, it isn't anybodies fault that we can't conceive), I'm angry that there are so many people who manage to conceive without any problems and I'm angry that there are so many people who do struggle to conceive. I'm also angry that Mr D can't accept that this is happening and that a natural pregnancy is very unlikely after three years of ttc. I'm angry that he doesn't want to do everything possible to make it happen for us. And I'm angry that I am THE friend that everybody has to tread carefully around when they have a pregnancy announcement.

Her email was so carefully worded. She said all the right things, she is still there for me if I ever need to talk or rant. That she hopes that it will happen for us soon and that she hopes that I didn't read the email at work. At the moment I don't have the stomach to respond. I know that she will be worried if she doesn't hear from me and I feel bad for that but I just don't trust myself. My anger is just so strong at the moment. I think the announcement is probably just bad timing. My 34th birthday is pending. My husband has said that he doesn't want to do assisted conception. Two friends have only recently given birth and me, I'm in exactly the same place that I was two years ago, only more angry, bitter, sad and alone. It really is the loneliness of all this that gets me the most. I even feel like I can't talk to Mr D at the moment.

Babies, babies everywhere

I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I WILL NOT LET PMT TAKE CONTROL OF MY MIND AND BODY. I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I WILL NOT LET PMT TAKE CONTROL OF MY MIND AND BODY.

The weekend wasn’t so hard and, at the moment, the mood swings and stomach craps are bearable. Life is so cruel though, if it isn’t bad enough that you have to fight against a depression every day it decides to chuck yet another pregnancy announcement at you. Another unexpected pregnancy announcement. Surely this will get better. I just need friends and colleagues to get beyond the procreation stage. I WILL REMAIN POSITIVE. I have to remain positive for my own sanity.

Anyway, I digress. The weekend spent with two 8 month pregnant friends (whose due dates are literally days apart which was, believe it or not, the same with their first pregnancy) and a friend who has been trying to conceive baby number two since May last year was OK. I went away with the mindset that these poor friends would not be able to do anything right and, although there was a couple of sticky moments when I felt a tad uncomfortable, it felt good to catch up with them. The two uncomfortable moments came when we were talking about finding out the sex of the babies and one of them asked me whether I would find out the sex of my baby. I nearly choked when she asked me and I really didn’t want to answer because I’m trying to get into the mindset that this isn’t going to happen for us. Of course I answered and I also answered the second question about baby names. To be honest with you, it was good to be included in the conversation, I’m sure I would have been more unhappy if they hadn’t asked me. They also asked me a lot about where we are, in terms of doctor’s appointments / treatment etc as well as how the HSG and laparoscopy went. So, all in all, it was OK.

If you hadn’t already gathered, I am approaching another cycle and although it is very much in the forefront of my mind, I am trying to take a step back from the whole cycle thing. I have been so weighed down by my cycle. I spend the week before I am due dreading the arrival of a period that will make me feel so ill and unhappy so this month I am fighting back.

What a week

This week at work has been particularly tough.

Let's rewind to Monday morning, it's 8.30am and I have just walked in the door and I get greeted with "Tilly's pregnant". It turns out Tilly (not her real name) was on the pill so the pregnancy was a complete shock. Lucky Tilly. Does she even know that people spend years trying to get what she managed to get by accident?

This news was just what I needed as I was already having to deal with the return to work of a woman that I really, really don't get on with. This woman, let's call her Tiny (because there is nothing tiny about her, including her mouth), has been off on maternity leave. As you can imagine, Tiny has spent the entire week talking about baby and, just in case that wasn't enough, has also been talking about trying for the next one.

To top my week of baby and pregnancy overload, yesterday we had more snow. Yep, that's right, there's nothing in that which is remotely related to pregnancy or babies but, my dear friend, that is where you are wrong.

Another pregnant woman in my office, let's call her Rosie, was meant to be working until 7pm. She was concerned about getting home and so had asked management if she could leave earlier. Well, there was a great debate in the office about this and Tiny decided that, as a mother and somebody who was recently pregnant herself, she had a right to get involved. She ordered somebody to walk Rosie to the car by saying that "if that was your wife and she was pregnant, you wouldn't want her to walk to the car on her own". She then went in and had a go at management for not understanding why Rosie should leave early. Of course Rosie should leave early, SHE'S PREGNANT! Yesterday, I discovered that you are an extra special person if you are with child. Tell me this, why do women suddenly become so special when they are pregnant?! Me, I would be offended if people treated me better/differently just because I happened to be carrying a baby.

And, it didn't end there. Nope, I came into work this morning to Tiny telling somebody else about how Rosie wasn't thought of as special by management because management haven't had a child of their own! SO FUCKING WHAT if management haven't had children. That has fuck all to do with it. You are not fucking special if you are pregnant or have children, you are just fucking lucky.

Hard to swallow

When I returned to work after my laparoscopy I found out that there had been another pregnancy announcement. What lousy timing.

I am finding this latest announcement too hard to swallow.

I just can't seem to get it out of my head. The woman is such a lovely person and I am really pleased for her but I just can't bring myself to congratulate her. I think it is because it was a shock, totally unexpected. I didn't think that she wanted children and there were definitely no tell-tale signs.

It is now making the six months too hard to swallow.

I am finding it almost impossible to control my weight at the moment. December is such a difficult month, with all the tasty food in the supermarkets and the many different Christmas celebrations. I am trying so hard not to over eat and drink but I feel like I am slowly slipping back into my old habits. I have been to a Christmas party, a Christmas lunch, a friend's house for drinks and nibbles and tonight I am off to WW. It is not going to be good news. I won't mind putting on one pound but any more than that and I am going to be pissed off. I didn't go to WW last week as I had had the laparoscopy on the Tuesday.

I know that I am going to find tonight's visit to WW too hard to swallow.