At last

I've been contemplating acupuncture for about two years now. On Saturday I finally got my arse in to gear and attended my first session. It was fine. In fact, it was quite enjoyable.

We went through my medical history and then she stuck needles into the middle of my forehead, my hands, my legs and my feet. I lay there for about half an hour and then she removed them. My whole body felt so heavy afterwards but I came out of the session feeling so positive. I'm going to continue going once a week leading up to, during and after my IVF.

The husband was skeptical but I explained that I needed to do this. That if I didn't give it a go and the IVF didn't work I would always be wondering what if. I think he kind of got where I was coming from after that, plus I think he was pleased to see me looking so happy and positive. I'm now wishing that I had tried it ages ago, you never know, it may have assisted with us conceiving naturally.

Our next hospital appointment is a week Thursday. This appointment is to sign our consent forms, collect my prescription and hopefully have some training on injections. This appointment has felt like a life time away, I cannot tell you how slow time seems to be moving.

Still excited

So the doctors appointment lasted a total of ten minutes. I told her what she needed to do and which clinic we would like to be referred to. Hark at me telling the doctor what needed to be done! She said that they get so many rejections for funding that she was so pleased when she read our letter of approval. I feel special. It really is great news that we have been given this opportunity on the NHS.

So now all we have to do is wait for an appointment from the clinic. Easy. At least it should be easy but I am going crazy. I just want to start tomorrow. Give me an appointment at midnight and I would take it. It has taken us a whole year to get to this stage. A whole year of waiting, no treatments, no testing (bar the tests for STI), no monitoring. Suddenly I am having dreams about being pregnant, about having a baby. My hopes have been accelerated out of all proportion. I'm back in 2006 when we embarked on this journey, I'm excited and happy and thinking that this could actually happen for us.

Hacked off?

Last Sunday I finally managed to log on to my G.oogle Reader only to find that somebody had posted on my blog! I initially thought that my blog had been hacked but it turns out that my email account had been hacked and somebody had sent an email to all my contacts, of which my blog is one. It felt weird thinking that somebody had managed to access something that was mine. I felt a bit violated, like somebody had been sifting through my knicker drawer!

I haven't blogged much in October and that is simply because I don't really have anything to say. Still waiting to hear about the decision of the PCT. I will chase it this week. Things have been crazy at work and, as a result, I have found myself working late and sometimes carrying on late into the night which is most unlike me.

Unbelievably we only have one week left until we fly off to Cyprus. October seems to have passed me by and, with two weeks away in November, I am sure that I will feel the same way this time next month. Still, that is not a bad thing. This year has been all about the waiting so the quicker it goes the better.

Exasperated!

Honestly, I sometimes think there is someone out there really testing my patience.

When D and I were originally referred to the hospital for further tests we discovered that the referral hadn't happened and, as a result, wasted four months. Today I phoned the doctors to see whether they had heard anything about our referral to be sponsored by the PCT for further treatment. The practice manager informed me that the time frame for referrals varied depending on when the panel met to discuss said referral. She told me that I could hear anywhere from two days all the way up to six weeks. I informed her that I was aware of this but that it had actually been 12 weeks since my referral.

I'm calling her back tomorrow afternoon to find out the results of her chase. I just know that I am going to be even more pissed off than I am today. No doubt I have not been considered and I will have just missed a panel so will have to wait another six weeks. Really, do I have a black mark against my name or am I just unlucky?! I know that I should feel lucky that a PCT may consider funding us but at this moment in time I am just so fucking frustrated with the wait. This whole year has been nothing but waiting for appointments, letters, news on whether we can get help with moving forward. There has been no real progress and I am starting to get very twitchy.

Getting impatient...again

Yep, I have had enough of waiting. I want to move on to the next stage NOW. But of course, we can't, not just yet. I need to get through the next two months at work, which are going to be horrendous, then we are off on holiday and then we can begin.

I'm back at the doctors tomorrow to discuss the results of my recent round of FSH blood tests. I'm pretty sure that we will no longer be eligible for egg sharing. Not really sure why I had to make an appointment to see her and I'm sure that it will be a waste of time but it'll be good to find out whether they have heard from the neighbouring PCT. Although I am not holding out much hope for that.

I got my HIV result via text today and I am pleased to say that it was negative. It's good to have it confirmed. I went for a re-test last Wednesday. What a nightmare. Apparently they don't do tests for fertility treatment, they are 'a preventative and treatment clinic' not a freebie for those who are trying to get knocked up. After the lecture she told me that she would write something on my notes to say that I consent to them giving out my results to a fertility clinic and then I had to sign. I'm pretty sure that we will have to have the tests repeated and will have to pay for the privilege but, I'm really not bothered anymore. I just want to get on with it.

More waiting

There isn't really a great deal to report. I've started my period so bang goes another cycle. We still haven't heard from the PCT about whether they will fund us and, I've still to make the STI appointment (yep, putting it off because deep down I am worried that I have some nasty STI).

D and I have agreed that we will make the all important call to the consultant's office in mid November. This seems like the best time as September and October are just manic at work and we are planning on going on holiday the first two weeks of November. Leaving it until then also makes the husband happy because it means that we get a few more attempts in the bedroom rather than in a clinic.

I'm starting to worry about my dad who is going in for his biopsy next Tuesday. Hopefully he will get the results quickly (although there is the whole debate about whether quick results will mean a bad outcome). We are hoping that they don't keep him waiting for longer than a week. My sister is coming up the following week to soften any blow. I need her here as I really don't think I could face any bad news on my own. That sounds like I am convinced that it will be bad news. I'm not. I'm just preparing myself for the 'what if'. We could all do with the next few weeks being out the way.

Crikey!

Less than 24 hours to go until our next hospital appointment.

It has been a very LOOOOOONG wait!

And, just in case I didn't think the hospital appointment was stressful enough, my period has decided to come along for the ride.

Note to self, don't cry in front of Dr Sugar as he will think that you are an over sensitive, over emotional woman who needs counselling!!

Another year older

It was my 34th birthday last Monday.

I'm trying not to think too much about the fact that I am now 34, after all it is just a number. I'm obviously very conscious that I am crawling closer to the dreaded 35 but, as my husband keeps telling me lots of women are having babies in their 40s now. Now, I'm not very receptive to this. It has nothing to do with the women who are in their 40s having babies, it is the fact that I don't want to be having babies when I am in my 40s. I want them now. Correction, I wanted them three years ago but I know that you have to wait for really special things. So I am waiting, and waiting, and waiting.....

Just a quick mention of my hospital appointment next week. The appointment that I have had to wait six months for. I'm dreading it! This is the appointment where the consultant tells us that we will need assisted conception and then he will probably go on to say that the NHS has no funding for said assistance. I'm hoping that in thinking the worst I will be pleasantly surprised. Please, please, please let it be positive.

Hanging on

I haven't posted recently because I am sick of sounding miserable. In reality I am not that bad, or at least, I am not that bad most of the time. I suppose I shouldn't worry about sounding miserable, this is, after all an IF blog. I just needed a break, to take a step back from it all.

This month/cycle was the first time, since the laparoscopy in December, that my fertility monitor showed an egg. I was beginning to think that the lovely Al S.ugar (the name I have, belatedly, decided to give our consultant) had done something to my ovaries when he was having a rummage round. So, the mission has been on. We have given it our best shot (lots of sex) and, as a result, I was hopeful. Now, I've always got hope towards the end of a 2ww but, this month I was more than hopeful, I was convinced. Convinced that if this is going to happen for us naturally then this cycle would be our best chance.

I started spotting yesterday.

And the mad IF woman reappeared.

One side of my brain was telling me that it was game over whilst the other side whispered the words implantation bleeding. The rational side knows how unlikely that is (I'm getting all the usual PMT symptoms) but the irrational side just won't let it lie until I am hit by the inevitable flood gates.

This isn't going to be our month.

On the bright side, only 8 weeks until our next appointment.

Only! I can't believe I have written that. It feels like forever since my laparoscopy. I am so sick of waiting.

Other news, we are moving tomorrow! Finally, after living in limbo for two years we have decided enough is enough. The house is being left empty as we have had no interest in either renting or buying which isn't ideal but, I'm beyond caring. Looking forward to the move and a week off.

Hard to swallow

When I returned to work after my laparoscopy I found out that there had been another pregnancy announcement. What lousy timing.

I am finding this latest announcement too hard to swallow.

I just can't seem to get it out of my head. The woman is such a lovely person and I am really pleased for her but I just can't bring myself to congratulate her. I think it is because it was a shock, totally unexpected. I didn't think that she wanted children and there were definitely no tell-tale signs.

It is now making the six months too hard to swallow.

I am finding it almost impossible to control my weight at the moment. December is such a difficult month, with all the tasty food in the supermarkets and the many different Christmas celebrations. I am trying so hard not to over eat and drink but I feel like I am slowly slipping back into my old habits. I have been to a Christmas party, a Christmas lunch, a friend's house for drinks and nibbles and tonight I am off to WW. It is not going to be good news. I won't mind putting on one pound but any more than that and I am going to be pissed off. I didn't go to WW last week as I had had the laparoscopy on the Tuesday.

I know that I am going to find tonight's visit to WW too hard to swallow.