It's happened!

No, I am not pregnant and the house sale has not yet completed. What's happened is that I am starting to go slightly stir crazy. I have jumped back on to the whole sperm morphology wagon and, during the course of my research, I have scared myself shitless. Why couldn't I just leave things alone, forget about it until June? Because now, now I am not only stressed, scared, fed-up, lost all hope of conceiving naturally but, I have also become the obsessive bitch that I was about this time last year.

It is probably an accumulation of the fact that it is now three years since we ditched BC, my 34th birthday is looming and this week I have seen the arrival of second babies for two friends who were only just pregnant with their first when we decided to try for a baby.

I don't think it helped that a friend mentioned p.ycnogenol to me the other day. I know that she was trying to help and I have definitely been encouraged by the two studies that have been published but, it has made me research poor morphology again and that research has resulted in me losing any hope that we will conceive naturally. I have read that IUI is a bad treatment to offer couples dealing with poor morphology so I will go flipping mental if our consultant suggests that at our next appointment.

It really does look like our only chance of conceiving is IVF with ICSI. Of course I knew this but there was always the hope that just maybe this would happen naturally. We would beat the odds and, after enough attempts, we would finally get there. Now, I know we won't get there and, if we do, it will be a bloody miracle!

I just wish that the consultant had been open and honest with us about the sperm results. I feel like they have given us false hope. I appreciate that it is important for me to have tests so that we know exactly what it is that we are dealing with but, I can't believe that they haven't discussed the two SA results with us in more detail. I feel like I am going slightly crazy over the whole sperm morphology issue and that I am making up the fact that we have severe issues with the results. With only 2% looking normal on the first test and 4% looking normal on the second surely alarm bells should be ringing. After all, everywhere I read it says that 15% normal are needed for reproduction so why has a couple with only 4% normal been told to try and conceive naturally for 6 months?!

We've moved!

I've been meaning to post about the move and the new house for some time now but I wanted to include photos so I have been holding off until I get my arse in gear to a)take the photos and b)upload them on the computer. I still haven't managed either a or b so I thought I would write the damn post anyway. Maybe I'll add them later, although I am sure no one is particularly bothered about seeing pictures of our new surroundings.

We have been so much happier since the move. More tired and still living amongst boxes but, definitely happier.

As some of you may be aware, we spent a great deal of time stressing about whether to move at all. If you are not aware, click here and here for the history. Even a couple of days after the move we were worried that we had made a wrong move because we had left the house that we pay a mortgage on empty. You see, not only did anybody not want to buy it, they also didn't want to rent it. We dropped the rental price twice and still nothing and then the week before last I bought a frog charm for my bracelet. Possibly a coincidence but that week we sold the house. Yes, you read right. After two years and a month we have sold our house. I am trying not to get too excited or think about it too much as there is every possibility that it will fall through again. But, could this be the work of the little frog that I wear on my wrist?!

I like to think so!

Let's hope that the little frog brings us some other luck.....

Just too much

I'm currently sitting at my desk at work and I'm having to listen to the following...

Opposite me. I have a woman talking on the phone about her baby daughter who turned one last week.

To my right. I have a woman and a man talking about their children and the impending birth of the man's second child.

Just behind them. There are two pregnant colleagues talking about pregnancy, birth and babies. One is leaving on maternity on Friday and the other will be leaving in the next couple of months. As if on cue, I have just heard that she is due at the beginning of August.

Now, add to this a man in my office whose wife is due in August. A woman whose sister has just given birth. And another woman who became a grandmother for the first time in January and you have an awful lot of pregnancy/baby talk. Almost too much pregnancy/baby talk for any normal person but definitely too much baby/pregnancy talk for an IF.

Hanging on

I haven't posted recently because I am sick of sounding miserable. In reality I am not that bad, or at least, I am not that bad most of the time. I suppose I shouldn't worry about sounding miserable, this is, after all an IF blog. I just needed a break, to take a step back from it all.

This month/cycle was the first time, since the laparoscopy in December, that my fertility monitor showed an egg. I was beginning to think that the lovely Al S.ugar (the name I have, belatedly, decided to give our consultant) had done something to my ovaries when he was having a rummage round. So, the mission has been on. We have given it our best shot (lots of sex) and, as a result, I was hopeful. Now, I've always got hope towards the end of a 2ww but, this month I was more than hopeful, I was convinced. Convinced that if this is going to happen for us naturally then this cycle would be our best chance.

I started spotting yesterday.

And the mad IF woman reappeared.

One side of my brain was telling me that it was game over whilst the other side whispered the words implantation bleeding. The rational side knows how unlikely that is (I'm getting all the usual PMT symptoms) but the irrational side just won't let it lie until I am hit by the inevitable flood gates.

This isn't going to be our month.

On the bright side, only 8 weeks until our next appointment.

Only! I can't believe I have written that. It feels like forever since my laparoscopy. I am so sick of waiting.

Other news, we are moving tomorrow! Finally, after living in limbo for two years we have decided enough is enough. The house is being left empty as we have had no interest in either renting or buying which isn't ideal but, I'm beyond caring. Looking forward to the move and a week off.