After spending the majority of this 2ww WITHOUT any hope, a big dollop of it has decided to embed itself in my head. I know that this is TOTALLY INSANE but for some reason it's there. Perhaps it is because the cramps have disappeared or, is it because I was beginning to cushion the blow of a failure. I was suddenly seeing this IVF as not having worked so my mind decided that I needed more pain. I needed to feel this failure more. It thought, I know what I'll do, I start putting doubts in her head about the sticks that she is peeing on, perhaps they aren't meant to be used so early. They are, after all only a cheap supermarket brand.
Tell me, why didn't I use the sticks that are designed to test up to 6 days early? You know, the tests that have been sat, DOING NOTHING, in my draw for over a year. Why did I go for the cheap, hard to open tests that say to test the day your period is due? I know that I am clutching at straws here but right now clutching at straws feels a whole lot better than feeling like a failure. Of course I have google.d 8dp5dt and the majority of negatives on that day are negatives full stop but, tell me, did they use a cheap supermarket brand that is only designed to be tested on the day your period is late?
Please, I need to be brought back down to reality, I need to know that I am not going completely insane. Does this denial happen to everyone? I suppose tomorrow will tell as I am going to use one of the super doper ones and take whatever that says on 10dp5dt as correct (unless my period arrives between now and then). Seriously, I'm sure that I am suffering from a delayed reaction to all those drugs.
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Showing posts with label crazy. Show all posts
Friday, 21 May 2010
Thursday, 30 April 2009
It's happened!
No, I am not pregnant and the house sale has not yet completed. What's happened is that I am starting to go slightly stir crazy. I have jumped back on to the whole sperm morphology wagon and, during the course of my research, I have scared myself shitless. Why couldn't I just leave things alone, forget about it until June? Because now, now I am not only stressed, scared, fed-up, lost all hope of conceiving naturally but, I have also become the obsessive bitch that I was about this time last year.
It is probably an accumulation of the fact that it is now three years since we ditched BC, my 34th birthday is looming and this week I have seen the arrival of second babies for two friends who were only just pregnant with their first when we decided to try for a baby.
I don't think it helped that a friend mentioned p.ycnogenol to me the other day. I know that she was trying to help and I have definitely been encouraged by the two studies that have been published but, it has made me research poor morphology again and that research has resulted in me losing any hope that we will conceive naturally. I have read that IUI is a bad treatment to offer couples dealing with poor morphology so I will go flipping mental if our consultant suggests that at our next appointment.
It really does look like our only chance of conceiving is IVF with ICSI. Of course I knew this but there was always the hope that just maybe this would happen naturally. We would beat the odds and, after enough attempts, we would finally get there. Now, I know we won't get there and, if we do, it will be a bloody miracle!
I just wish that the consultant had been open and honest with us about the sperm results. I feel like they have given us false hope. I appreciate that it is important for me to have tests so that we know exactly what it is that we are dealing with but, I can't believe that they haven't discussed the two SA results with us in more detail. I feel like I am going slightly crazy over the whole sperm morphology issue and that I am making up the fact that we have severe issues with the results. With only 2% looking normal on the first test and 4% looking normal on the second surely alarm bells should be ringing. After all, everywhere I read it says that 15% normal are needed for reproduction so why has a couple with only 4% normal been told to try and conceive naturally for 6 months?!
It is probably an accumulation of the fact that it is now three years since we ditched BC, my 34th birthday is looming and this week I have seen the arrival of second babies for two friends who were only just pregnant with their first when we decided to try for a baby.
I don't think it helped that a friend mentioned p.ycnogenol to me the other day. I know that she was trying to help and I have definitely been encouraged by the two studies that have been published but, it has made me research poor morphology again and that research has resulted in me losing any hope that we will conceive naturally. I have read that IUI is a bad treatment to offer couples dealing with poor morphology so I will go flipping mental if our consultant suggests that at our next appointment.
It really does look like our only chance of conceiving is IVF with ICSI. Of course I knew this but there was always the hope that just maybe this would happen naturally. We would beat the odds and, after enough attempts, we would finally get there. Now, I know we won't get there and, if we do, it will be a bloody miracle!
I just wish that the consultant had been open and honest with us about the sperm results. I feel like they have given us false hope. I appreciate that it is important for me to have tests so that we know exactly what it is that we are dealing with but, I can't believe that they haven't discussed the two SA results with us in more detail. I feel like I am going slightly crazy over the whole sperm morphology issue and that I am making up the fact that we have severe issues with the results. With only 2% looking normal on the first test and 4% looking normal on the second surely alarm bells should be ringing. After all, everywhere I read it says that 15% normal are needed for reproduction so why has a couple with only 4% normal been told to try and conceive naturally for 6 months?!
Monday, 19 January 2009
Bad mood and bollocks
This weekend, including today, I have been in a bad mood.
I'm on CD 21 of cycle 37. This month, the first full cycle after my laparoscopy, there was no sign of ovulation on my super doper fertility monitor but, as a crazy infertile woman I am still hoping that a miracle may have occurred.
I seem to have come full circle at the moment. I am finding myself reverting back to the early days, when I searched the Internet for advice and success stories, thinking that I would soon be one of those success stories. I wonder if this relapse in behaviour has something to do with the fact that there is nothing going on (in terms of tests). The next thing in my IF calendar is the appointment in June. Is this my way of passing the time? Returning to the crazy IF woman desperately searching the Internet for answers.
Today I have been searching for answers on sperm morphology. What did I find? All sorts of advice / success stories / rubbish that I have read before. Did it make me feel more positive / better? Not really. I'm still on CD21, experiencing cramping, trying to ignore the cramping and the thoughts of what if.....
I'm sure that I have asked this question before, I've said it plenty of times in my head. Will the hope ever go away? Will I wake up one day and find that I have my period and I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being pregnant. On CD 21 I feel like I couldn't take another year of this shit, let alone five but we all know that these thoughts / feelings change on a daily basis.
Emptyhug, if you are reading this post I just wanted to say that I hope you are OK. I noticed that your blog has gone private but I would love to know how you are doing.
I'm on CD 21 of cycle 37. This month, the first full cycle after my laparoscopy, there was no sign of ovulation on my super doper fertility monitor but, as a crazy infertile woman I am still hoping that a miracle may have occurred.
I seem to have come full circle at the moment. I am finding myself reverting back to the early days, when I searched the Internet for advice and success stories, thinking that I would soon be one of those success stories. I wonder if this relapse in behaviour has something to do with the fact that there is nothing going on (in terms of tests). The next thing in my IF calendar is the appointment in June. Is this my way of passing the time? Returning to the crazy IF woman desperately searching the Internet for answers.
Today I have been searching for answers on sperm morphology. What did I find? All sorts of advice / success stories / rubbish that I have read before. Did it make me feel more positive / better? Not really. I'm still on CD21, experiencing cramping, trying to ignore the cramping and the thoughts of what if.....
I'm sure that I have asked this question before, I've said it plenty of times in my head. Will the hope ever go away? Will I wake up one day and find that I have my period and I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being pregnant. On CD 21 I feel like I couldn't take another year of this shit, let alone five but we all know that these thoughts / feelings change on a daily basis.
Emptyhug, if you are reading this post I just wanted to say that I hope you are OK. I noticed that your blog has gone private but I would love to know how you are doing.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
