Bad mood and bollocks

This weekend, including today, I have been in a bad mood.

I'm on CD 21 of cycle 37. This month, the first full cycle after my laparoscopy, there was no sign of ovulation on my super doper fertility monitor but, as a crazy infertile woman I am still hoping that a miracle may have occurred.

I seem to have come full circle at the moment. I am finding myself reverting back to the early days, when I searched the Internet for advice and success stories, thinking that I would soon be one of those success stories. I wonder if this relapse in behaviour has something to do with the fact that there is nothing going on (in terms of tests). The next thing in my IF calendar is the appointment in June. Is this my way of passing the time? Returning to the crazy IF woman desperately searching the Internet for answers.

Today I have been searching for answers on sperm morphology. What did I find? All sorts of advice / success stories / rubbish that I have read before. Did it make me feel more positive / better? Not really. I'm still on CD21, experiencing cramping, trying to ignore the cramping and the thoughts of what if.....

I'm sure that I have asked this question before, I've said it plenty of times in my head. Will the hope ever go away? Will I wake up one day and find that I have my period and I hadn't even thought about the possibility of being pregnant. On CD 21 I feel like I couldn't take another year of this shit, let alone five but we all know that these thoughts / feelings change on a daily basis.

Emptyhug, if you are reading this post I just wanted to say that I hope you are OK. I noticed that your blog has gone private but I would love to know how you are doing.