TWW = feeling like shit

I'm in the shit part of the TWW. You know, the part where you start to get PMT symptoms, when you prepare yourself for the worst every time you go to the toilet, where you start to hear all the success stories and, where hope starts to fade fast but there is still that little voice at the back of your head telling you that this could be the month.

I hate this part so much.

My PMT symptoms are the same as they are every other month.

I feel like I am going see the fucking annoying arrival of AF any minute now so why would slight pink spotting surprise me.

A friend emailed to tell me that one of her friends (a fellow IF) is pregnant. My friend was very good about the whole thing and said in the email that she was aware that the news would probably raise a lot of feelings for me. And she is right. I really am pleased for her friend as she has been through a lot and, if I am totally honest with you, I didn't think that she would ever achieve pregnancy. BUT there is now the thought that I am the only IF friend that my friend has. I am the 1 out of 6 and although it should offer me hope, it hasn't.

I am 33 and my dream of having a family is fading fast. I never thought that I would be here, at this stage of my life. I am sick of people not understanding, of fear crossing their face when I say that I am infertile. Apparently I don't know that for sure and there are lots of things that can be done nowadays but, at the end of the day, there really is not much hope that this is going to work for us. I have a husband who does not want to go down the path of IVF and we don't have the money to pay for it anyway so it would involve a very long wait on the NHS waiting list. Adopt? No, I really don't think that it is for me. Why? I can't stand the thought of being interviewed by a panel of people who will ask very personal questions about my marriage and relationships with my family. I am always amazed that anybody can conceive and give birth to a baby but if a couple is unable to do this they have to go through a scanning process which is in personal and stressful.

I know this feeling will pass when my period comes. I will have a couple of days of feeling totally sorry for myself then I will pick myself up and get on with my life (for about three weeks), then it is back to the wonderful world of hope (for about a week), before I sink back into this shit part.

Update

I have had a really good couple of days. Went to Wimbledon for the day which was absolutely fantastic, followed by shopping at Windsor.

The weight ticker hasn't changed as I didn't get weighed this week because I was at Wimbledon on weigh day. I am dreading weigh in next Wednesday as, although I didn't eat loads while I was away, everything that I did eat was bad. Also, it is that shit time of the month again when my body feels the need to retain weight.

We are at a BBQ tonight and I am dreading it. I know there is going to be lots of good food there and I just won't be able to touch it. I'm not really in the mood to socialise but I am sure that I will be alright once I get there. It is just my usual bad weekend as today I started to get the usual PMT symptoms, the PMT symptoms that could also be pregnancy symptoms so I have been thinking non stop about "what if" today. Which I know is pointless but I really can't help myself. I'm away next weekend so I could really do with my period coming at the beginning of this week, that way the heavy part of it will be over for my stay over at my sisters and then friends.

I still haven't received a letter from the hospital about an appointment with a consultant. It will soon be 3 months! I am getting so sick of waiting.

D and I are going to book a holiday abroad for early November so that will give us something to look forward to. I really am starting to feel better about my weight loss and I am looking forward to getting into the next stone bracket. So, I suppose those are a couple of things to look forward to.

In-laws

Sometimes I ask myself what I did in another life to get ILs like mine. I don't ask for much, but a MIL that watches East.enders and occasionally has a glass of wine would be good. My MIL needs to lighten up. She is such hard work. The ILs are small village people who have never stepped out of their comfort zone. They know everybody in the area. My FIL is rude and a complete racist and sexist. My MIL is a supposed christian who doesn't believe in sex or living together before marriage, drinking, women being independent and strong individuals, doesn't really watch TV because she disapproves of most TV programmes, doesn't have any hobbies and is a bit of a manic depressive. My ILs two sons are fucked up. Fucked up beyond belief. The reason they are fucked up....their parents. They both have this amazing guilt thing going on and if they don't see or speak to their parents in a while the guilt takes over. They won't say anything against their parents because of the guilt. I'm not suggesting that they should constantly slag their parents off but they should be able to voice opinions which may differ from that of their parents.

Visiting the ILs is a whole new ball game. When you go to visit them it becomes a marathon. You can't just pop in for a cup of tea, it has to be 8 hours and from the moment you walk in the door you have the FIL commenting on leaving, making you feel guilty. See, there it is, that guilt thing again. Because of the way they are when we go and visit it makes me dread visiting, D is aware of this and tries to put off visiting because he knows how they wind me up. D understands but doesn't understand because if he admits that he understands he will feel guilty. The guilt thing yet again.

It is the MIL birthday next week and she has told son number 1 (that is the first born not the favourite) that she doesn't want anything but, if we feel like we have to give her something then she would prefer money so that she can give it to charity. Now this comment has really got my back up, why doesn't she just let us buy her presents for her to enjoy on her birthday? Why can't her family just be free to buy her something? And who is she to say that she wants money so that she can give it to charity? To me she is suggesting that we should be giving more to charity and I take offence to it. (I know, I know that I am probably reading too much into it but this is exactly how they wind me up).

So, today I have gone out and bought her a present. I have bought her a really cute door stop (fabric cat door stop from L.aura A.shley) it is very cute and I would love to keep it for myself but I won't. I haven't spent a lot of money on her but I have got her something.

Now, the whole birthday thing is quite an issue for me because every birthday I get crap (I know, there I go again with the whole ungrateful thing) and if it isn't crap it is books about Christianity and if it isn't books about that it is crap for the kitchen (plastic cups and trays!!) I am so tempted to tell her not to bother with my birthday next year because really, the only place that benefits from it, is the charity shop! See, I do give to charity and so does she in a roundabout way.

OK, so now I feel guilty for typing this and slagging them off because deep down they aren't bad people, they are just very different people and very set in their ways. Why can't I get over the whole IL thing? Why do I avoid the phone when they call? Why do I argue with D about them? Why do I feel like I am being punished? Why do they make me feel like a 5 year old? One of the things that I was hoping would shift the whole D and me and IL thing was having a family of our own. It would take the pressure off of us and allow them to focus on something else (have I mentioned that MIL seems to be obsessed with me and how much I am like her?!)

There is so much more I could say about them but this post will be the longest post in the world so I am going to have to save it for future rants, I mean posts.

WOW!

Lost an amazing 3.5lbs this week.

I really didn't think that I had lost anything so it was definitely a surprise. Hoping to reach my goal by September/October time, which is still achievable. I am so pleased with myself for sticking to the diet this time, I really needed to do something to help me have a more positive outlook and I think the weight loss is helping. Come November when D and I go on holiday I hopefully won't mind wearing a bikini!! Just need to get started on the exercise side now. Still don't feel like doing anything but I did say that once I had lost half a stone I would give it a go.

This is going to be a long post as I have too much shit going on in my head

Things are not right at the moment and I don't know what I can do change them. I knew that going to the doctors, having tests and pursuing possible assistance with conception would cause problems with my marriage. Those fears have proved spot on. D and I are going through a rough patch, a very rough patch. We can pretend that we are surviving, that we are strong and that we will not be beaten by IF but, that's what it is, a pretence, and it is only a matter of time before we are exhausted by it. What then? Where will we, as a couple, go from there?

I wish that we were stronger but we aren't. We are too alike.

Our views on IF differ a lot and our views on assisted conception are complete opposites. D doesn't really want to go down that path (and don't get me wrong, nor do I) but I am willing to try anything if the end result is a family. D isn't willing to try anything and still has faith that this will work for us if it is meant to be. How can I make him see otherwise? I can't, I have been trying for two years now and I really don't think that he is going to change how he feels. Can I live a childless life with him? Will I hold it against him? At this moment in time I really don't know the answers to these questions.

In the world of IF blogs there has been so many BFP. I am happy for these bloggers because they get to move on to the next stage of IF, the cautious 9 months wait where a number of hurdles have to be jumped before you can believe that this is actually going to come good. I hate that I know about this shit, I hate that it is an issue in our marriage, and I hate the person it has turned me into it. That is the hardest thing out of all of this. There was a time when I was happy, when little things would make me smile and I didn't constantly have a "what if..." crossing my mind over every little thing.

Part of me would really love to go back to my life before I became an infertile. Why did we think about trying for a baby? Now that we have made that decision we have made ourselves the infertile couple, the one that everyone will look at with pity.

I was listening to the radio on the way to work this morning and a couple of lines from a Kate Nash song hit me hard:

"My fingertips are holding onto the cracks in our foundations, and I know that I should let go, but I can't."

Life is so unfair

I didn't lose any weight this week. Wasn't expecting a huge weight loss (and when I say huge I mean anything over 1.5lbs) but I did hope that I would lose at least 0.5lbs. The only thing that I can put it down to is my period.

Just come across this blog which has made me very sad. I can't believe the pain that people have to go through and deep down I am grateful for what I have now. Part of me wishes that I had never come across it. Life is just so unfair....

Today a work colleague said that I am obsessed with babies! (Doh!) She proceeded to ask me if I was feeling broody! What could I say to that? I didn't say anything, because there is no point in getting into it. People who haven't been through the whole ttc thing are so naive. At this particular moment I don't feel anger towards these people and the stupid things that come out of their mouths, I just feel sad, sad that I know about this shit. Really I wish that I was one of them, if only hey......

The difference between an infertile and a fertile

I recently emailed a friend who conceived her first child without really trying, she emailed me back saying that it took her awhile to work out what "ttc" stood for.

Just one of the many things that make you realise how different an infertile's life is to a fertile's....if only, hey!

Bored!

There is nothing to report. I don't know what cycle day I am on (I know that I could work it out quite easily but I am trying not to think about it), nothing is happening on the home front and D and I are just plodding along. We did have a huge argument on Monday which resulted in lots of tears. Why did we have an argument? The usual, it always boils down to the baby thing. I am so sick of not being happy that I refuse to let my unhappiness rule. So, as of yesterday I turned a new leaf, I'm not going to think of everything that is shit in my life, I'm not going to beat myself up about the fact that I can't get pregnant, the fact that we can't sell our house or the fact that I am 26.5lbs overweight. Instead, I am going to think of other things, good things.

I know this mood (I'm not going to call it positivity because it isn't) isn't going to last, but for now it is the only thing that I can hold on to. The next couple of months are going to be a holiday from the usual shit, I am going to enjoy the summer and go back to worrying, stressing and trying again in the autumn. A break is just what we need right now - and please, nobody say, "you never know, it may happen when you are on a break because you are both relaxed" because it WON'T so DON'T even go THERE.

The C.learblue f.ertility monitor (CFM) has temporarily been suspended

I have taken the batteries out of the CFM as I think D and I should have a couple of months off. Things have become strained lately and so I am going to concentrate on us as a couple rather than us as ttc. I know that I am still going to think about when I am likely to be ovulating and the two week wait will be full of the usual thoughts of success or failure but the CFM has become such a tie. Also, I am away for a few days towards the end of the month and at the beginning of July so our timing will probably be completely out.

D is back from his holiday tonight. I am so looking forward to seeing him. I have booked tomorrow off work so that we can spend some quality time together.

Went to see Sex and the City today and I thought it was really good. Had been warned by another blog about the whole Charlotte adopting and then falling pregnant "because that is what happens you know" thing so it wasn't too bad to actually sit through it. Funniest parts of the film were Charlotte pooping herself and Miranda's bikini line! I'm not really a SATC fan (in fact I am not sure that I have ever seen an episode all the way through) but after today I am tempted to start watching the re-runs. To have friendships as strong as that would be amazing.

Small celebration

Three posts in one day is definitely a first for me but I forgot to mention this earlier so I thought I'd do it now.

I am now under the weight that I gave the doctor. When I started WW I was actually 6.5lbs heavier than what I had told the doctor so, to now be 2.5lbs under is a real incentive.

See, I can achieve some things......

How much can a mood change in an afternoon?

In the space of an afternoon my mood has plummeted. I am sick of this crap, I am feeling so trapped by what my body can't do.

I'm also fucking pissed off with how long it is taking for a hospital appointment to come through, at least if I had that it would be something for me to focus on. Instead, I am living from one bad mood to the next, feeling bright for about a week and a half and then going back to feeling like shit. I wish that I could think about something else, I wish I had more in my life than the desire for a family, I wish I could give this crap up.

When I was feeling quite positive I did start to think that I could cope with this if it wasn't meant to be for us however, deep down I really don't know whether I could. Every sodding month would just be a reminder of how much of a failure I am. I am so angry at everybody that manages this. I'm obsessed with everybody that manages this. I'm just so ANGRY. Angry that my life and marriage has become this one big issue.

I'm really trying to focus on other things and the weight loss is definitely helping. I'm glad that I am finally getting a grip on that but really, what else is there to focus on when your whole future life and plans are balancing on something which is so unachievable?

The reason for this mood - my period of course. On CD 22 I start to bleed, CD bloody 22. Why not just be done with it and give me one permanent period.

When will I stop kidding myself?

I can't believe that I am still thinking that this could happen. When will it get to the point that I no longer think that this could be the month? When will a cycle just be a cycle and I won't even think about what if...?

My cycle is getting shorter and shorter and the PMS is getting worse. I only hope that I can hold it together better this month than I did last because I totally lost the plot last month.

Some good news, I lost 2.5lbs last night which was absolutely amazing as I really didn't feel like I had lost anything. I certainly didn't do anything different this week and, what with being due on, I was sure that it wasn't going to be a very good week. Anyway, I have managed to get my BMI down to 28.8, if I can keep going I will hopefully be under 28 by the time I get my hospital appointment through. At least there is some positivity in my life at the mo.

Home alone

As of tonight I will be home alone for a whole week. I'm quite looking forward to the me time but I'm not so keen on the night time. Hopefully I will be able to sleep without D next to me.

I'm currently in the 2ww and I am amazing myself at how positive I am feeling this month. Positivity is a good thing, right?! I know that because I have actually thought about the possibility that THIS may be THE month it means that it is NOT going to be THE month but I just can't seem to help it. It has been one of our best months for attempting this thing in a long time and it is that thought that is keeping me so positive.

Saying that, I am thinking of taking time off from the fertility monitor after this cycle. I think it is putting too much pressure on us and a couple of months without it will hopefully do us the world of good. Anyway, it's not as if there aren't other signs to look for so I'll still have an idea of when I am ovulating.

I've given up waiting for the referral letter from the hospital after I read a few message boards. In some areas women had waited three years to get to the top of the waiting list for NHS funded IVF so there really isn't any rush.

After having a bad couple of weeks last month I am back to feeling positive again. I really do hate the roller coaster of emotions and each time I get to this more positive state of mind I hope that it is a sign of me COPING better with the whole IF thing and one day I am sure that it will be. For now I am happy to NOT focus on all the stuff that doesn't seem to want to happen to us, like sell our house and get the hell out of a road that winds up us beyond belief or, get pregnant. That stuff is not going to wind me up for the next few months, at least, as I am determined to enjoy the summer.

I'm going to focus on the more positive things, like the fact that I have so far lost 6.5lbs and another 0.5lb means that I will have lost half a stone. I still have a long way to go but slowly is the best way to lose it so I am not complaining.