Auf Wiedersehen

My period arrived on Friday. I'm alright. I was pretty sure that it hadn't worked so it was no surprise really. We've got our review at the end of June.

Whilst on the 2ww I did a lot of thinking and I decided that I was going to stop posting on this blog. There are many reasons for this decision but the main one is that I feel like I need to move on. I need to focus my time and energy on something other than trying to get pregnant and, to be honest with you, I am sick of talking about not getting pregnant. It's been a long time.

I would just like to say a big thank you for all your kind words and support. This really is a fantastic community that has helped me through some of the most difficult times in my life. I won't be able to stop myself from checking in on some blogs so you may see the odd comment from me.

I wish you all the best for the future.

OMFG!

After spending the majority of this 2ww WITHOUT any hope, a big dollop of it has decided to embed itself in my head. I know that this is TOTALLY INSANE but for some reason it's there. Perhaps it is because the cramps have disappeared or, is it because I was beginning to cushion the blow of a failure. I was suddenly seeing this IVF as not having worked so my mind decided that I needed more pain. I needed to feel this failure more. It thought, I know what I'll do, I start putting doubts in her head about the sticks that she is peeing on, perhaps they aren't meant to be used so early. They are, after all only a cheap supermarket brand.

Tell me, why didn't I use the sticks that are designed to test up to 6 days early? You know, the tests that have been sat, DOING NOTHING, in my draw for over a year. Why did I go for the cheap, hard to open tests that say to test the day your period is due? I know that I am clutching at straws here but right now clutching at straws feels a whole lot better than feeling like a failure. Of course I have google.d 8dp5dt and the majority of negatives on that day are negatives full stop but, tell me, did they use a cheap supermarket brand that is only designed to be tested on the day your period is late?

Please, I need to be brought back down to reality, I need to know that I am not going completely insane. Does this denial happen to everyone? I suppose tomorrow will tell as I am going to use one of the super doper ones and take whatever that says on 10dp5dt as correct (unless my period arrives between now and then). Seriously, I'm sure that I am suffering from a delayed reaction to all those drugs.

Not another success story

Thank you for the positive comments in my last post but I am sure that this blog will not feature a success story.

I caved this morning and POAS. There wasn't even the slightest tinge of pink for me to begin to obsess about. Nothing. The positive window stayed pure white.

I just knew that this wouldn't work. With one funded shot at the big guy it was never going to work. Yes, I've drawn a line under this IVF because I'm not sure that I can torture myself over the next 5 days. I'm back to work on Monday, back to some sort of normality, whatever that is. Back to life before injections and scans. Back to nothing.

On Tuesday I turn 35. 4 years of this shit. At this moment in time I don't feel like I can go on but of course I will because that is what we do. We pick ourselves up, brush ourselves down and slowly move on.

7dp5dt

I've not blogged since the transfer because I have been trying to keep my mind off the whole 2ww thing! I know, better said than done. The first few days of the wait were OK, I was still smugly reeling in the glory of a smooth transfer with a grade A blastocyst. This week, or to be more precise, the 6th day of the 2ww (so not even into the 2nd week) has been tough. It's the period cramps that have totally thrown me. I was expecting them because I have read everywhere that they happen but when I was woken by them last night I spent a restless night convinced that we have reached the end of this IVF journey.

My official test date is still a week away but I am planning on testing at the weekend (if I get there before my period arrives). I need to know before I go back to work, I just can't face testing on the morning when I have to go into work and act like everything is OK.

Today really is the first day that I have felt like crying. Throughout this IVF there have been no emotional break downs but I have a feeling that this is all about to change. I think the hardest part of all this is the feeling that I have let D down. Everything was perfect, the sperm, the eggs, the fertilisation report and the quality of the final three embryos. The final stumbling block is down to me and my body.


Bloody hell, I just feel so deflated today.

Transfer complete

I woke up this morning feeling very nervous, more nervous than egg collection day. This was the part of IVF that had always filled me with fear but, not any more. It was OK, in fact it was quite an emotional experience.

On Monday the embryologist informed us that we had 7 embryos on track and 1 that was slightly behind. We were told that we would be going with a 5 day transfer and that they would see us on Wednesday at 11.30am.

Once I was gowned up and in theatre we were told that we had a grade A blastocyct to put back in today and that we had 2 further grade A's for the freezer which is great news. The ET itself was fine, I had a full bladder that wasn't too uncomfortable but meant that we had a really good view of what was happening. I could have cried when we saw the end of the catheter move as the embryo was released.

Now we have the agonising 2ww.

Limbo

They retrieved 10 eggs on Friday. The embryologist asked us whether we wanted to proceed with IVF or ICSI. It felt like the $10 million question. As the husband's sperm was way above the criteria for IVF we agreed to go down the more natural route.

Out of the 10 retrieved, 8 fertilised. The transfer is scheduled for Wednesday (if everything goes to plan). I'll get an update on Monday.

Wednesday seems like such a long way off. I had never thought much about this period, the transitional period. When you think of IVF you think about the first injection, the scans, the development of the follicles, the egg collection, the embryo transfer and then the two week wait. I knew that there would be a period of anxiety over the development and quality of the eggs/sperm/embryos but I never thought that it would leave me feeling so scared or vulnerable. I received a text message from a friend who has been through IVF and, in the text, she says that she found this part of the process the hardest. And it is the hardest because there is no longer anything that you can do, it all depends on the eggs/sperm/embryos as they begin their first fight for survival.

Could I finally be ready for egg collection?

Firstly, thank you for the comments on the last post. Reading them really perked me up and made me realise that I am not alone.

Since my last post I have been for two scans and thankfully things have improved slightly. I've decided to give up with worrying about the number of follicles, there is nothing I can do about it so we will just have to work with what we've got/get.

As it was a Bank Holiday on Monday the husband got to experience the early morning call at the hospital. It was good to have some company. I don't know whether it was because the husband was with me, or whether I was finally getting to the stage where they could report back but we got a good run through of everything on the scan. When we went to the nurse to have the blood drawn she took us through the scan results from the notes so we got to hear twice how things were progressing nicely which made me feel better. On the way home we decided to go for breakfast in a farm shop not far from where we live, it was lovely. It was a good day.

Today I was back at the hospital for another scan and blood test. Things have progressed a little since Monday so it is still looking like egg collection on Friday, I'm just waiting for a call to confirm.

I feel like I am failing this IVF

Today I feel emotionally exhausted. My excitement and anticipation has dwindled to non-existent. I am sick of injecting. I am sick of trying to be hopeful and I am sick of not responding better to the drugs. I just feel like I am heading for a great big disappointment.

I'm on day 8 of stims. My scan today registered a couple more follicles but they were noted as tiny, the follicles that were visible on the last scan have got bigger. I'm concerned with my lining as I have read somewhere that it needs to be between 8-10 mm but it is still measuring under 6mm. I've also read that stimming takes, on average, 12 days so I really hope that things improve over the next four days.

I go back on Monday for another stim scan.

Second scan

My scan on Monday was OK. It showed 4 follicles on my right ovary, 3 on my left and one cyst which, I have been told, is nothing to worry about.

After my appointment I was instructed to double the dose of Menopur from two to four ampules. Thankfully the husband has shown a surprisingly good ability to mix the solution and powder so he is now in charge of that.

I haven't really got anything else to report. This IVF cycle just seems to be happening. I have been fairly lucky as I haven't experienced any major side effects. My main complaint, headaches. Other than that I can, so far, report that my mood, in general, has been normal, I'm no more tired than usual (although the 5am starts on scan days are a little tough) and my emotions have been behaving, there have been no tears, not yet anyway.

I'm back at the hospital tomorrow.

So far so good

Yesterday I was back at the hospital for a down-regulaton scan and blood test. Thankfully, I received a call in the afternoon to tell me that I had the go ahead to start on the next course of drugs.

The drug for stimming requires a little more work than the drug for down-regulation:

1. You take a syringe and a very long needle,
2. You break a small bottle which contains a water-based solution,
3. You draw the water into the syringe,
4. Place the needle into the first ampule and release the water,
5. Mix the solution,
6. Draw the liquid back into the syringe and then, with the second ampule, repeat steps 4-6,
7. Once both ampules are mixed you draw the solution back into the syringe, trying not to get huge air bubbles,
8. Change the big needle for a much smaller needle,
9. Measure the dosage to 1ml,
10. And inject!

I just knew that it was going to be stressful. My main problem was that there didn't appear to be enough of the water-based solution. For some reason I thought that mixing it with the two ampules might miraculously increase the volume but, unsurprisingly it didn't. I was about to open another bottle of the solution when I realised that the lid of the original bottle contained quite a lot of liquid so I just sucked this up and, after a couple of goes, managed to get rid of the huge air bubbles and have 1ml. In the time that it took me to do this we had had two phone calls. The husband was still on the phone so I decided to inject myself. I was amazed at how easy it was, it didn't hurt at all.

I'm back at the hospital on Monday to see how I am responding. I've been told by various people that once you get to this stage time just flies by, I really hope that is the case because I am already fed up with the morning injections.


I'm starting to get a little excited although I am trying to control it. Positive thoughts occasionally enter my head but I really don't want to build myself up to being so positive that, when it comes to it, I am completely shattered when if it doesn't work.

Happy 101

I've been given the Happy Blog Award by One Who Understands, thanks!

The rules: List 10 things that make your day & then give this award to 10 bloggers.

1. Waking up to a cup of tea every morning,


2. The 15 minutes that we (the husband, cat and me) spend in bed each morning before having to get up and on with the day,


3. Living in the middle of nowhere,


4. Receiving unexpected mail/emails from friends,


5. The sun shining,


6. Feeling like I have achieved something at work,


7. Being greeted by an excited cat when I get in from work,


8. Watching my favourite programme on television,


9. Sticking to my diet,


10. My husband telling me that he loves me.

I would like to pass this award on to the following (not quite 10) but don't feel like you have to do it if you would rather not:

1. Missy at Scarlet Baby
2. Jenn at Happily Ever After
3. May at Nuts in May
4. Carolyne at No Different from any other
5. Rambler at My World My Ramblings
6. Lis at Built in birth control
7. Liz at Womb for improvement (although I know that you have taken a break but I really didn't want to miss you off as you are my faithful follower and it wouldn't be right to exclude you - I'm missing you by the way)
   

A long week

It has been just over a week since I started the injections. It feels a lot longer. It is amazing how quickly you fall into a routine, how something that you have been dreading suddenly feels like the norm. So far I haven't had any side effects, I also haven't had my period. I'd read that this can happen so it is no real surprise however, I am surprised at how quickly I have started to have thoughts of a possible pregnancy. A delayed period, surely I couldn't be pregnant, after all this time. Unlikely but not impossible. Even the doctor told us to keep trying this month, that some people do conceive naturally just before starting IVF. Could we be one of the lucky ones? I've even been thinking about POAS. I can't even remember the last time I POAS.

Of course I haven't gone as far as POAS and I am sure that my period will arrive before I get round to doing it but, in a weird way it has felt quite good to feel such hope, to remember what ttc felt like at the start. In looking back at what it was like in the beginning it has also made me revisit the sadness, despair and depression that I went through. It is only now that I realise just how low I got. Infertility has definitely changed me, I view life differently now. I worry far more about death, I find it hard to connect with my friends who have families and it still feels like we have a large hole in our lives but, I have learned to appreciate life a lot more.

I have come so far through this experience and if nothing else, this week has taught me that whatever happens over the next few weeks, there is no way I want to go back to being that sad, depressed person.

The anticipation was far worse

On Sunday night we set the alarm clock for 6am. Monday would be the start of the injections and, as we wanted to fit them into our morning routine, it meant waking at a ridiculous hour on a Bank Holiday. Not that I was complaining, I was keen to finally get started. Sunday night was restless.

When the alarm went off we both went back to sleep. I was exhausted after my restless night and the husband was sleeping off a hangover. When I woke up 20 minutes later I woke the husband and told him that we needed to get on with it. His response, get on with what?

He went downstairs to make the tea whilst I made up the injection. I was sat in bed waiting for him to return and I suddenly felt very sick and nervous. I jumped out of bed, run down the stairs, flung myself on the chair, handed him the syringe and told him to get on with it.

I couldn't look.

I felt it go in.

It stung.

Before I knew, it was over.

That was it.

We had started.

Now what?

We went back to bed with our tea and eventually fell back to sleep.

Needless to say, it was all a bit of an anticlimax.

Subconscious stress

On Monday I start injecting brueselin.

Yesterday I realised that my stress levels were quite high and increasing at a steady rate.

Everyone and everything is getting to me. It is like a double dose of PMT and I haven't even started the medication.

It would appear that the IVF is affecting me more than I thought.

The final countdown

Yes, it's here....finally!

Today is CD 4, on CD 21 I will start injecting myself.

I can't lie, it feels like a lifetime since our first consultation and I am sure that the next two weeks are going to drag.

Yesterday we signed the consent forms, collected the prescription and had training on how to administer the first drug. It felt good to be moving forward. I am so ready for this.

I'm trying not to think too far ahead, just taking each day/drug/scan at a time which doesn't make a very exciting read but is keeping the mad woman at bay!

This is really happening...

At last

I've been contemplating acupuncture for about two years now. On Saturday I finally got my arse in to gear and attended my first session. It was fine. In fact, it was quite enjoyable.

We went through my medical history and then she stuck needles into the middle of my forehead, my hands, my legs and my feet. I lay there for about half an hour and then she removed them. My whole body felt so heavy afterwards but I came out of the session feeling so positive. I'm going to continue going once a week leading up to, during and after my IVF.

The husband was skeptical but I explained that I needed to do this. That if I didn't give it a go and the IVF didn't work I would always be wondering what if. I think he kind of got where I was coming from after that, plus I think he was pleased to see me looking so happy and positive. I'm now wishing that I had tried it ages ago, you never know, it may have assisted with us conceiving naturally.

Our next hospital appointment is a week Thursday. This appointment is to sign our consent forms, collect my prescription and hopefully have some training on injections. This appointment has felt like a life time away, I cannot tell you how slow time seems to be moving.

Nosey colleagues

In all the excitment of my last scan I forgot to share the reception I received when I returned to work.

Before I can continue I need to set the scene. I sit opposite quite an annoying woman. She is very loud and has very little empathy for anything or anybody. She didn't struggle to conceive and, even though three colleagues have had IVF, she doesn't fully understand that there are people who do struggle to conceive.


She does know that I have been trying for quite some time now. When she was pregnant with her child (who is coming up to two) she asked me if I was trying. After returning from maternity leave she continued to say lots of inappropriate things like why don't you have a baby? are you trying for a baby? all you need is a holiday? all you need to do is relax? etc. Not so long ago she asked me if I was going to do IVF. All of these questions have been met with silence but she just doesn't take the hint.


I had placed the scan in my calendar as a private appointment, when I got back I was greeted by her saying very loudly where have you been? I've been worried? Have you been to the hospital? You have, haven't you? Have you got some good news to share? You've been for your 12 week scan, haven't you?


She also emailed a colleague who wasn't even at work that day to ask her if she knew where I was. The colleague didn't respond but, when she came in on Monday, this woman said to her you didn't respond to my email. Our colleague told her to leave it, that she had the wrong end of the stick.


This is her problem, she just doesn't know when to leave it. I have had over two years of her asking questions about starting a family and now she appears to have gone in to overdrive.



I can just imagine all the questions when I actually start IVF.

Protocol and prescription

On Saturday the husband dropped a large white envelope into my lap. It was from the hospital and it contained the paperwork that we need to complete, my protocol and my prescription. I was amazed because on Thursday the nurse informed me that it would take a week and a half to two weeks for the paperwork to come through.

I now need to make an appointment with the nurse so that she can check and witness our consent forms and then we can collect my prescription (which is only valid for 28 days). Before I make the appointment at the hospital I need to contact my doctors surgery to see whether I am immune to rubella (I'm sure I was checked last summer but I need to know exactly when and whether it is still valid).

Am I feeling prepared for IVF?

I feel like I am prepared for the physical part of IVF, I'm no longer scared of the needles or drugs, the egg retrieval or embryo transfer. I am however, concerned that I tend to be fairly negative about whether it will work. I know that I need to be realistic and that I am just preparing myself for the worst case scenario but, everything I read says that you need to have positive thoughts. I do have moments when I can visualise this working for us but, for the majority, I don't feel that we are a) worthy of this, or b) lucky enough for this to work first time.

My only other concern is that I have not managed to lose as much weight as I had hoped. I have lost 4.5lbs of the 10lbs that I put on over Christmas and New Year but that is not nearly as much as I would have liked. Admittedly, I've still got the whole of March to lose some more weight as I will not be starting any medication until April. In addition to this I have started exercising so hopefully that will springboard the weight loss.

In terms of vitamins/supplements, I'm of course taking folic acid and have been for many years. As of yesterday, after reading a book I started to take Sunflower Oil. I'm aware that you can get pre-natal vitamins that have everything that you could possible need to prepare your body for pregnancy (I actually took these back in the early days when I thought that I would get pregnant naturally) I'm just in two minds as to whether to start taking them again. The doctor at our initial appointment only mentioned folic acid. Has anybody got any advice on vitamins for IVF. I don't want to over-do it but, then again I don't want to under-do it (if that is possible).

It's interesting, I always said that I would not stress over things such as supplements etc. but here I am finding myself worrying just a little about whether I am doing the right thing.

I have a very 'interesting' object in my uterus

The second scan proved even more eventful than the first.

The 'is it or isn't it a fibroid' question took two sonographers and a consultant 45 minutes to solve. They all commented on how interesting this fibroid/object was in my uterus but, at the time, it didn't feel very interesting. When the Dr (who was young and very good looking - could this get any worse?) started talking about surgery I began to realise that yes, this could definitely get A LOT WORSE!

He said that in cases like this they would prefer to go in to see what it is and that, if I was OK with that he had a cancellation for next Tuesday. All I could think about was that this would postpone the treatment and, surgery? Next Tuesday? Really??!

I think their main concern was the position of the fibroid/object. I say think because, at this point, I was wishing that I was anywhere but there. If it was attached to the endometrium then we had problems. The sonographer suggested adding saline, the Consultant asked if I was OK for this to be done here and now, that it was a procedure similar to embryo transfer - a catheter would be inserted followed by saline. If the saline went around the fibroid/object it was good news, if it didn't, it was bad news and next Tuesday would be on.

The saline, thankfully, went all around the fibroid/object. They seemed happy with the fact that it wasn't attached so I am free to continue with this cycle however, he would like this fibroid/object to be monitored. So, although it was a stressful 45 minutes I have now experienced (minus the full badder) what a embryo transfer is like.

Now, I wait for the paperwork, protocol and prescription to arrive in the post which, the sonographer told me would be in the next two weeks.

We're on to the next stage...phew!

The scan

The 3d antral follicle scan wasn't as bad as I thought it would be. My main concern was the fact that I was on CD3 but thankfully my period decided to go from extremely heavy to light for one day only. The scan did last longer than I had expected because the sonographer (I think that it was they are called) was trying to use a new machine that she wasn't familiar with. She ended up having to call her colleague in which meant that the scan lasted for about half an hour, although it felt like an eternity.

The sonographer didn't say a lot. She seemed happy with the follicles and she did say that there was a small cyst on one of my ovaries but she didn't think that that was a problem. The only thing that she was concerned about was a dark area that could be a fibroid. I've got to go back next Thursday for another scan to see whether the fibroid has gone down after my period.

I did ask her what it would mean if it was a fibroid but she didn't seem to want to comment, she said that we would know more next week.

The clinic called back...

...I'm booked in for a scan tomorrow morning.

The best bits of the first appointment

I've been trying not to think too much about our initial appointment mainly because I'm wanting to just go with the flow, keep stress levels low and not over analyse everything.

Isn't it weird that the day I start to write this is the day that my stress levels begin to rise slightly. After being told by the doctor that there wouldn't be a problem with booking a 3d antral follicle count scan, surprise, surprise, it seems that there is a problem. The receptionist this morning said that there were no appointments for Friday but that she would have to try and squeeze me in. She's calling me back once she has sorted it out. That was 4 hours ago. Will she call before I end up calling her? I doubt it.

Anyway, I've digressed slightly, here are the best bits from our first appointment:

* Our infertility is likely to be a combination of my endometriosis and the husband's oligoasthenozoospermia.
* The husband's morphology has increased by 0.5 and has increased overall by 2.5 since his original SA.
* They will decide on the day whether to do ICSI or not.
* If our cycle is cancelled for any reason then that is the end of our funded treatment although we will have the option to appeal.
* It's all down to luck!

My views on the above:

* Hearing that our infertility is a combination of both of us really helped the husband so, for that diagnosis, I am thankful.
* I'll take any kind of increase on the morphology because I am sure that that is our main problem.
* I'd rather go with ICSI (because of the morphology issue) but she did say that it can cause damage so I am happy to go with the experts.
* I'm really hoping that we don't have a cancelled cycle but, if it happens, we will have to deal with it.
* I always knew that it was a case of luck but actually hearing the doctor say it makes you realise that they can only do so much and it really is down to luck. A little scary as we aren't really all that lucky!

Comparing the cost

Husband: Don't say what I think you are going to say to my question.
Me: What's that?
Husband: Don't say that you have had it a long time when I ask you how long you have had that skirt.
Me (smiling because I had clearly been rumbled): This skirt (pointing at said skirt), yes, I've had it a long time. I've had it since Wednesday...
Husband: How much did that cost?
Me: Quite a bit.
Husband: How much is quite a bit?
Me: £50
Husband: £50?!?
Me: Yes, but the cardigan was a bargain. It was £50 reduced to £25.
Husband: So that outfit cost you £75?
Me: Yes...
Husband: Blimey, you get a whole outfit for £75. All I get for £75 is a quick wank in a small room in a hospital!

IVF on the NHS

Three days after our initial appointment at the fertility clinic and we received our first, of probably many, bills.

It looks like there are lots of hidden extras that are going to cost us money. The first is the SA that the husband had done, the second will be for the 3d scan and blood tests scheduled at the end of the month. Don't get me wrong, I appreciate not having to pay for the actual cycle but it would have been nice to have been told on Monday that we would be receiving a bill for the SA and that the scan is going to cost. The lovely IVF doctor has already lost a couple of marks and we haven't even started!

Look here, I have an award!

Thank you so much to Missy for the award. Since my last (and only other award) I have figured out how to upload the picture - check me out!

The instructions are as follows:

• Thank the person who nominated you for this award.
• Copy the award and place it in your blog.
• Link the person who nominated you for this award.
• Tell us 7 interesting things about you.
• Nominate 7 bloggers.
• Post the links to the 7 bloggers you nominate.

7 interesting things about me:

1. I LOVE chips, I could eat them every single day of the week. Give me a plate of string fries, fat chips, curly chips, potato wedges and I'm a friend for life.
2. I have to get a tape measure out when moving furniture around so that I can be sure that it is central or straight.
3. I suffer with OCD (it drives the husband mad) I check, check and re-check doors are locked, the oven is off (even if I haven't used it), the straighteners are off etc.
4. I get obsessed with things - when I see something I like I tend to go overboard and buy lots of it.
5. I twiddle my hair, I've done this since I was a baby. It used to drive my mum and dad mad. When I was younger I also used to pull clumps of hair out whilst twiddling but luckily I stopped that part of the habit!
6. I ran the L.ondon Marathan to mark my 30th birthday.
7. This award has made me realise that I don't have that many interesting things to tell you about myself!

7 bloggers I would like to nominate (apologies if you have already received this award):

1. Sas - the Sassy infertile lady
2. Chirleen - Confession of a ttc-a-holic
3. Liz - Womb for Improvement (second nomination!)
4. May - Nuts in May
5. Jenn - Happily Ever After
6. Rambler - My world, my ramblings
7. Eileen - We got hitched...

First appointment

Our first appointment went really well. We both came away feeling happy to be moving forward, relaxed and sure that we had chosen the right clinic.

I can't believe how nervous I felt before the appointment. It didn't help matters that, on the Sunday, I had decided to join the clinic’s forum. It was great to read positive posts and it prepared me to expect a wait (as others who had had appointments in January were not scheduled to start treatment until the March) but, it also made me feel slightly apprehensive as there were a few posts commenting on administration errors.

One woman had phoned the clinic to ask a question and whilst on the phone she checked her appointment only to find out that she wasn't booked in. Living an hour and a half away from the clinic I thought that it would make sense to phone on Monday morning to check that there hadn't been a change to the appointment. When I phoned the receptionist was a bit funny with me, she asked why I was phoning to check (so I told her about the forum comment and that before embarking on the long journey I wanted to double check), she proceeded to tell me that the clinic’s administration is top quality and that there are never any mistakes! I suppose we will be able to judge this for ourselves over the next few months, I did wonder though whether we would have a black mark against our names.

Anyway, we got there in time (just). The clinic is within an NHS hospital which is huge, a complete maze. We finally located it and, no sooner had we walked in, a doctor was there to greet us. The doctor was lovely, really down to earth and a female which helped when talking about things. She asked us a few questions, nothing too taxing and then proceeded to tell us about the whole IVF process although she stressed that they would always only give us two steps to remember.

The plan is as follows –

1. Obtain FSH blood test results from doctor because, although she said that she would send them with the referral, they didn't. No real surprise there. (UPDATE - it's taken me so long to post this that I have already managed to obtain these).
2. Phone the clinic when I get my next period to arrange a 3d scan and STI blood tests (again) for both the husband and myself. Our results from the G.UM clinic cannot be obtained due to confidentiality.
3. Following the scan the clinic will send in the post my protocol, consent documentation and prescription for drugs.
4. Complete and return the necessary paperwork and return
5. Call the clinic when I get my next period to start our treatment (booked in for 17 March).

So, things are moving forward at last.

What if it doesn't work?

I have tried so hard not to think about next Monday. It's difficult but, for the majority, I am able to place it at the back of my mind. It helps being busy at work and focusing on weight loss. I find that the worst time for wondering thoughts is when I am driving home. Last night I found my mind wondering and, before I knew it, I thought what if this doesn't work? I'm not saying that I expect IVF to work the first time but I had convinced myself that it would eventually work.

We have one cyle on the NHS, a possibility of a FET and then we will pay for one final attempt. I had it in my head that one of these would surely have to work, that if nothing else the second round of IVF would be the kiddy, the winner, the icing on the cake.

That was, until last night. Last night our appointment on Monday became more than just an appointment to discuss IVF, it became the last leg of this journey. This is it. We are homeward bound, whether we arrive as a family or just the two of us will be decided this year.

I no longer feel ready for this. Ready for the treatment, the emotional roller coaster and the very real possibility that it could all be for nothing.

At the weekend, whilst the husband and I were talking about IVF and the appointment I was shocked to hear that he was keen to attend a counselling session (my husband is a very private person and I would never have thought that he would like to discuss his thoughts on IVF with anybody other than me). I've always been adamant that I wouldn't need to attend a counselling session but, as the appointment gets closer, I am beginning to think that I would also benefit from discussing my fears and concerns. IVF is scary and expensive and emotional and invasive and lots of other things but I am not sure that it is as scary as the question what if it doesn't work?

High hopes

OK, for some bizarre reason I had high hopes for this cycle.

You hear these stories, women who have been battling to conceive for years who, when on the verge of treatment, have a surprise pregnancy. It has to happen to somebody, right?

Add to this the fact that this is our golden cycle which, surely means something. Right?

Wrong!

The usual signs are here. We are heading in to our 51st cycle, does this mean that it is downhill from here?

We are just over a week away from the appointment. I am 2lbs down on the weight loss and I finally had the chat with my mum. There were tears from both parties but I think she understands. She did seem OK about it. She said that she was still feeling under the weather which was making her teary. I cried because I felt like I had upset her and so, there we sat in T.esco's car park, crying.

I'm glad it's over with.

Now all I need to do is try and lose as much weight as possible between now and Feb. Oh, and get through the first appointment, a round of IVF, need I go on?

Deep breath...and relax

The damage - 10lbs which, although expected, was still a bit hard to swallow.

The good news, I'm feeling positive and I'm determined to lose as much of it as possible before our first appointment. That gives me two weeks and 5 days. Crikey, where did that time go? I have been so stressed about the weight situation as I had got it into my head that I needed to be ready by 1 February. I'm concerned that the doctors and nurses will be judging me because I am slightly overweight and, on top of that, I am so annoyed with myself for doing so well and then, when it comes to the crunch, losing sight of the importance of it and putting a good percentage of it back on. Anyway, I've stopped stressing about it and realised that I am not running out of time because, not only do I have two and a half weeks, I also have the time between the appointment and the start of treatment. A weight loss of 10lbs is not impossible.

Today seemed to mark the start of something completely different to what I have been experiencing for the past few weeks. I actually felt excited. It dawned on me just how excited I was when I read this post by One who understands. It made 1 February so much more real.

The mum situation hasn't been resolved yet as she has been ill so, definitely not the right time to hit her with a heart to heart. Thank you for the comments about sharing or not sharing information with family and friends, it really helped. Whatever happens, I am not going to stress about it.

Weigh-laid by snow

Firstly, thank you for the polite comments on the last post. I'm obviously way too mean because, if I had been reading my blog, I'm sure that I would have suggested a weight. A weight which would have been way more than the person was expecting and I would have offended so, I think your approach is exemplary (although believe me, you needn't have worried about offending because it is bad). Between you and me, I was hoping that my invitation would entice some readers to de-lurk (owing to it being de-lurk week) however, I think I may be over-estimating just how many people read my ramblings blog.

Anyway, I am waffling so I will get back to the matter in hand. It was a complete let down on Wednesday night because my WW class was cancelled owing to the Big Freeze that has gripped the UK. So, after shitting preparing myself, all week day for the worst, I was none the wiser as to how bad I have actually been. Although, in saying that I do have a bit of an idea because I weighed myself at home but, this is not a true reflection because my scales never weigh me the same as the WW scales, in fact, my scales tend to weigh me about 5lbs lighter (why am I going to WW I hear you ask). I go because I have no discipline unless I have structure and a very scary woman telling me off for putting on weight.

The reason I have been so scared and preoccupied with how much weight I have put on in December is because my scales are weighing me 7lbs heavier than I was on 2 December and, if you add the 5lbs that they are always out by, it amounts to a whopping 12lbs! I bet none of you would have posted such a large amount. How awful is that? I am totally disgusted that I can put that much weight on in one month - see, I definitely need a structure and a very scary woman!

On another note, I am feeling really guilty because my mum asked me last night if I had heard from the hospital and I said no. I just wasn't ready to give her an answer because I haven't decided on what I am going to do yet - in terms of letting her know. I have spoken to my sister and she thinks that I will need my mum's support during IVF but we both agreed that I needed to have a word with her to make sure that she doesn't share it with anyone else. She tends to tell her best friend and sisters lots of things that she probably shouldn't. So, my options are:

1. Tell her when the appointment is but explain that, although I would like her support, I don't want anybody else to know. Do I want/need her support?


2. Tell her that the appointment is later than it actually is so that I am always one step ahead of her. I think this will be too stressful and she will be phoning me on days that I have said I have got an appointment when I haven't. Will get very messy. This isn't really an option but is something that has crossed my mind so I thought that I'd list it.


3. Tell her that we have received the appointment but that I would rather not say when it is because I don't want the stress of people knowing and wondering. This would totally upset her and would defeat the object because she would be always wondering.

Are there any other options? At the moment I can't think of any so it is looking like number 1. In all honesty, I don't think I am bothered about my parents knowing when we are going through the treatment, it is having to deal with the result of the treatment that bothers me. If it fails I will be upset enough without having to deal with their sadness and, if it works, I'll be stressing that they are celebrating too soon, there is such a long period between finding out that it has been successful and being able to breath a sigh of relief (which is why no.2 crossed my mind).

Two things

1. The husband did his business in a little room at the hospital today ready for our initial consultation.
2. I'm back at WW tonight (which I am dreading) but to try and distract myself from how horrible it is going to be (and the disgust that I am feeling) I thought it would be good to play a game called...

GUESS THE WEIGHT!

So, if you fancy having a guess at just how much weight I have put on since the last time I was weighed (which was on 2 December), please feel free to leave a comment.

*UPDATED* This is not a look back at 2009 although I do mention Christmas and New Year but that's as far as it goes

*UPDATED to include the all important no.7, how could I forget about that?!*

So that was Christmas. Now it's back to reality.

It's weird because I never realised just how much I was looking forward to Christmas. When I received the letter from the clinic I was so eager for it to be 2010. I thought Christmas was just a distraction but, it was more than that, it became an escape from it all.

I discovered this after everybody had left last Monday. We were so looking forward to having some time together, just the two of us, but the time between Christmas and New Year wasn't at all what I we thought it would be. We were both suffering from post-Christmas blues as we began to think about our situation, what we would be experiencing in 2010, fearful to hope but needing it to help us out of the depression that was slowly beginning to engulf us.

One thing that depressed me throughout December was the amount of weight that I was putting on. I am disgusted with myself, nearly all of my clothes no longer fit me! So, as of today, I am back on the wagon. I'm back at WW on Wednesday to find out the true damage of Christmas 2009. Wednesday is going to be a bad day. I am going to be in a foul mood no matter what. Still, at least I have the incentive of the appointment to get me back on track, I have not come this far just to pile the weight back on even before I have started treatment.


OK, enough of the moaning, below is a list of things that I need to do or organise this month in preparation for next:

1. Lose as much weight as possible! I'm on with this as of today.

2. Get my hair coloured. Just in case...

3. Look into acupuncture. Hopefully this will help.

4. Stop drinking. I'm on with this as of today, or as of 9pm last night when I finished my last glass of wine. This is going to be one of the hardest things to give up.

5. Start exercising. We've been going on lots of walks but I need to start doing some other form of activity not only to make me feel better but to accelerate the weight loss.

6. Folic Acid. I have been taking this (on and off) for over three years now but will make sure that I take it every day without fail from now on!

7. Ensure that downstairs is presentable (don't want to give the doctor unnecessary work!) Need to get the scissors out and book the waxing session.


So that is my list of things (so far) that I need to do in preparation for IVF. If any body has any tips or advice please feel free to leave them in the comments.

The husband is off to the clinic on Wednesday to provide a sample. To say he is not looking forward to it is an understatement but, then again, I'm not sure that I would look forward to a session with my right hand in a room in a hospital!


Oh, and before I forget, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

IVF #1

5 April 2010: Start down-regulation (injecting 0.5ml of Suprecur (buserelin)).
Waiting for next period.

22 April: Down-regulation scan day. Lining borderline (6mm) waiting for blood results to confirm that I can start gonadotrophins (Menopur).

22 April: Start Menopur (2 ampules).

26 April: 1st stim scan shows four follicles on right ovary and three on left. Instructed to increase Menopur (from 2 to 4 ampules).

29 April: 2nd stim scan. Need to continue with the 4 ampules of Menopur. Give up worrying about the number of follicles.

3 May: 3rd stim scan. Things are starting to look better. Talk of egg collection on Friday 7 May.

5 May: 4th stim scan. Egg collection on Friday as planned.

7 May: 10 eggs are collected. The husband's sperm is looking good so we decide to do IVF rather than ICSI.

8 May: Embryologist phones to tell us that 8 out of the 10 have fertilised.

10 May: We have 7 on track and one slightly behind. Embryo transfer is scheduled for 12 May.

12 May: We have 1 grade A blastocyct put back and two further grade A's to freeze.

Official test date: 26/05/10