A long week

It has been just over a week since I started the injections. It feels a lot longer. It is amazing how quickly you fall into a routine, how something that you have been dreading suddenly feels like the norm. So far I haven't had any side effects, I also haven't had my period. I'd read that this can happen so it is no real surprise however, I am surprised at how quickly I have started to have thoughts of a possible pregnancy. A delayed period, surely I couldn't be pregnant, after all this time. Unlikely but not impossible. Even the doctor told us to keep trying this month, that some people do conceive naturally just before starting IVF. Could we be one of the lucky ones? I've even been thinking about POAS. I can't even remember the last time I POAS.

Of course I haven't gone as far as POAS and I am sure that my period will arrive before I get round to doing it but, in a weird way it has felt quite good to feel such hope, to remember what ttc felt like at the start. In looking back at what it was like in the beginning it has also made me revisit the sadness, despair and depression that I went through. It is only now that I realise just how low I got. Infertility has definitely changed me, I view life differently now. I worry far more about death, I find it hard to connect with my friends who have families and it still feels like we have a large hole in our lives but, I have learned to appreciate life a lot more.

I have come so far through this experience and if nothing else, this week has taught me that whatever happens over the next few weeks, there is no way I want to go back to being that sad, depressed person.

Some things change

Today, whilst looking through the websites in my 'favourites' folder I came across a couple of sites that I use to be obsessed with when we first started ttc. These ttc/pregnancy websites contain lots of useful advice about what you should do when ttc, they also have ovulating calculators and due date calendars. I can remember using the ovulating calculator religiously and I would even use the due date calendar to work out when our baby would be due if we were success that particular month.

Oh, to return to those days, when hope was there and I was confident that we would conceive within the year. I would even get excited when my period was due because of the prospect of a possible pregnancy. I have come a long way from those days.

Now, I don't go anywhere near ttc/pregnancy websites, I know what to do and when to do it. I have sorted out my diet, I don't drink like I use to and I have been popping prenatal vitamins for nearly three years. Until I came across the ttc/pregnancy website today I had completely forgotten about the due date calendar. When I saw it I had such a pang of longing.

I want to feel the excitement of POAS and getting a positive. I want to enjoy working out when our baby is due and working towards each new milestone. I want to feel excited that we have a baby growing. I want to experience morning sickness. I want to have a scan and see a heart beat and our baby bumping around in the womb. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to experience labour and I want to hold our baby in my arms. I know it is a lot to ask but others seem to manage it quite easily.