High hopes

OK, for some bizarre reason I had high hopes for this cycle.

You hear these stories, women who have been battling to conceive for years who, when on the verge of treatment, have a surprise pregnancy. It has to happen to somebody, right?

Add to this the fact that this is our golden cycle which, surely means something. Right?

Wrong!

The usual signs are here. We are heading in to our 51st cycle, does this mean that it is downhill from here?

We are just over a week away from the appointment. I am 2lbs down on the weight loss and I finally had the chat with my mum. There were tears from both parties but I think she understands. She did seem OK about it. She said that she was still feeling under the weather which was making her teary. I cried because I felt like I had upset her and so, there we sat in T.esco's car park, crying.

I'm glad it's over with.

Now all I need to do is try and lose as much weight as possible between now and Feb. Oh, and get through the first appointment, a round of IVF, need I go on?

An old friend

My C.learblue Fertility Monitor has been in my top draw for nearly two years now.

I’m not going to be one of the success stories associated with the monitor but, for some reason, I just can’t shake the habit. It’s strange really because I’ve managed to shake the working out when I would be due if my period didn’t come this month habit, and the it’s three days before my period so let’s just get those pregnancy tests out and test early habit but, the monitor, the monitor has remained a companion throughout this journey.

I think it is the need to feel like I am doing something each cycle (other than the obvious) to try and get a positive. I remember the day I got my monitor. I had spent a long time researching them, trying to find one on e.bay that was cheaper than those in the shops. I eventually found one at a price that I was willing to pay and so the order was placed and the monitor was required ASAP. I wanted to start it on my next cycle, I couldn’t possibly wait another month (time was short, I wanted a baby and I wanted it as soon as). We were off to the Lake District and I wanted to start peeing on sticks whilst we were away. There was a belief that the help of the monitor, combined with a relaxing holiday, was all that was needed.

The monitor came in time. Sticks were bought and our hopes were high. That was November 2007. September 2009 and I am still friends with my monitor. It may not have delivered the goods but I can’t really blame it, after all, there are other factors involved. I no longer use it every month. I’ve got to know when I am ovulating without the need of a machine to confirm it but occasionally I will turn it on, reset it and place a certain amount of hope in it.

It's good to talk

OK, so it would seem that I finally lost the plot last week. After writing my last post things did go from bad to worse, resulting in a total meltdown on Sunday morning. Mr D and I talked for four hours about everything. I learned a number of things from our talk:

1. I take everything the husband says literally.
2. The husband doesn't mean for everything that he says to be taken literally.
3. I need to talk more. I hold on to my thoughts and fears until I am about ready to explode.
4. TTC is just as hard for the husband.
5. The husband hasn't totally closed the door to assisted conception.

We are going to wait and see what the consultant says at our appointment in June before considering the next stage of our ttc journey. I really did feel like shit yesterday, four hours of on/off crying and releasing emotional baggage is exhausting. Today, I feel so much happier. In fact I think I could go as far to say that I feel the happiest I have felt in a long time. It really is amazing what talking to the husband can do.

Tired

I'm really struggling at the moment and I don't know why. Well, when I say I don't know why, I obviously know what the core of the problem is but, I don't know why it is bothering me as much as it is. I know the deal, every month I get my hopes up, every month my period comes, heavier and more painful than the last, every month I turn into the bitch from hell, want to do nothing but lay in bed for days on end and then what? Usually I'm back up and at it. Ready to start afresh, give it another go, convince myself that miracles do happen - I'm told often enough by fertiles who have nothing more to offer you. But, for some reason, this month is different. I've felt this way before. The despair. The anger. The bitterness. The pain. The suffocation. And I am sure that I will get beyond this but, at this moment in time, I can't. I need a break. A break from work, people, ttc, friends, family. I'm tired of pretending that everything is alright, that we are coping with IF.

Bits and bobs

Two things that I am trying to focus:

Weight - over Christmas I put on 5lbs. So far I have lost 4 of that 5lbs but I am finding it so difficult. Once I have lost that 5lbs I only have have another 8lbs to go to get to goal. The last 8lbs are going to be tough.

House - as mentioned here, we have made the difficult decision to rent our house out and move into tied accommodation. It has taken us a while to get our heads around it but we both think that we have made the right decision. It has given us something else to focus on and look forward to. We have been spending some time at the new house, painting and tidying and I have ordered a fantastic range cooker for the new kitchen. We will not move in to the new house until we have found tenants for our house so fingers crossed we get some interest.

Three things that I am trying not to focus on:

1. As far as I am aware, I didn't ovulate last month.
2. I am currently on CD11 and I am still spotting! Never had that before.
3. One month down.......only four more months until our next hospital appointment which I am dreading but, I am also keen/impatient for it to be here as I am desperate to find out where we go from here - IUI? IVF? Who knows.

Some things change

Today, whilst looking through the websites in my 'favourites' folder I came across a couple of sites that I use to be obsessed with when we first started ttc. These ttc/pregnancy websites contain lots of useful advice about what you should do when ttc, they also have ovulating calculators and due date calendars. I can remember using the ovulating calculator religiously and I would even use the due date calendar to work out when our baby would be due if we were success that particular month.

Oh, to return to those days, when hope was there and I was confident that we would conceive within the year. I would even get excited when my period was due because of the prospect of a possible pregnancy. I have come a long way from those days.

Now, I don't go anywhere near ttc/pregnancy websites, I know what to do and when to do it. I have sorted out my diet, I don't drink like I use to and I have been popping prenatal vitamins for nearly three years. Until I came across the ttc/pregnancy website today I had completely forgotten about the due date calendar. When I saw it I had such a pang of longing.

I want to feel the excitement of POAS and getting a positive. I want to enjoy working out when our baby is due and working towards each new milestone. I want to feel excited that we have a baby growing. I want to experience morning sickness. I want to have a scan and see a heart beat and our baby bumping around in the womb. I want to feel a baby move inside me. I want to experience labour and I want to hold our baby in my arms. I know it is a lot to ask but others seem to manage it quite easily.

Christmas

Christmas is all about family, food and drink. Usually I love Christmas but, over the last two years I have struggled. Christmas makes my desire for a family even more intense, it reminds me of what we can't have and I am beginning to hate that it is just the two of us.

It will be our third Christmas since we started to try for a baby. Last Christmas I was depressed, I had piled on nearly two stone and Christmas was just a heavy reminder that another year had passed and still no baby. As December approached this year I found myself slipping into the same mood as last, it was starting to get to me and, to be honest with you, I was starting to dread Christmas again.

That is, until, our holiday, our break from everything. Suddenly I am loving Christmas. I have an advent calendar and an advent candle and decorations have slowly been making their way into our lounge.

Last night my Christmas mood was threatened slightly as I started to write our Christmas cards. I suddenly thought about the fact that many of our friends have additional names on their Christmas cards whilst I am still signing off from just the two of us. Why is it the small things when you are most unaware? I made a conscious decision that I was not going to let such a small insignificant thing totally strip me of my joyous Christmas mood.

I am happy and I am looking forward to Christmas.

Not so secret

I'm quite a private person. In fact, D and I are quite a private couple. We don't have a set of close friends, we just have friends that we see from time to time. These friends don't know about our problems with ttc.

The majority of people who do know about our problems with ttc are my friends and my family. I suppose it is a woman thing, we like to talk and we like to share problems and get advice. There are a small number of friends who know because they have been through it themselves. Then there are the friends who have families and know because there was the question of whether we were trying for a family, replying two and a half years ago that we were ttc means that they know but may not know all the details.


Then there's the family. I told my sister because we are very close and we share everything. I didn't mention anything to my parents until I went to the doctors and started having the blood tests (about a year ago). My parents live in the same village as us, go to the same doctors and knew that I was going on a regular basis so my mum asked what was wrong. I told her. The moment I told her I wished I could take it back. The main reason was her response, she said that all we probably needed to do was relax. My own mother said that! I couldn't believe it. I know that she meant well and that she just didn't know what to say for the best, but really.

Another year on and I'm really starting to wish that I hadn't told so many people. I know that it is good to have the support of those around you but I think that most of the time they don't know how to deal with it or what to say. They just don't seem to get it.