High hopes

OK, for some bizarre reason I had high hopes for this cycle.

You hear these stories, women who have been battling to conceive for years who, when on the verge of treatment, have a surprise pregnancy. It has to happen to somebody, right?

Add to this the fact that this is our golden cycle which, surely means something. Right?

Wrong!

The usual signs are here. We are heading in to our 51st cycle, does this mean that it is downhill from here?

We are just over a week away from the appointment. I am 2lbs down on the weight loss and I finally had the chat with my mum. There were tears from both parties but I think she understands. She did seem OK about it. She said that she was still feeling under the weather which was making her teary. I cried because I felt like I had upset her and so, there we sat in T.esco's car park, crying.

I'm glad it's over with.

Now all I need to do is try and lose as much weight as possible between now and Feb. Oh, and get through the first appointment, a round of IVF, need I go on?

Deep breath...and relax

The damage - 10lbs which, although expected, was still a bit hard to swallow.

The good news, I'm feeling positive and I'm determined to lose as much of it as possible before our first appointment. That gives me two weeks and 5 days. Crikey, where did that time go? I have been so stressed about the weight situation as I had got it into my head that I needed to be ready by 1 February. I'm concerned that the doctors and nurses will be judging me because I am slightly overweight and, on top of that, I am so annoyed with myself for doing so well and then, when it comes to the crunch, losing sight of the importance of it and putting a good percentage of it back on. Anyway, I've stopped stressing about it and realised that I am not running out of time because, not only do I have two and a half weeks, I also have the time between the appointment and the start of treatment. A weight loss of 10lbs is not impossible.

Today seemed to mark the start of something completely different to what I have been experiencing for the past few weeks. I actually felt excited. It dawned on me just how excited I was when I read this post by One who understands. It made 1 February so much more real.

The mum situation hasn't been resolved yet as she has been ill so, definitely not the right time to hit her with a heart to heart. Thank you for the comments about sharing or not sharing information with family and friends, it really helped. Whatever happens, I am not going to stress about it.

Two things

1. The husband did his business in a little room at the hospital today ready for our initial consultation.
2. I'm back at WW tonight (which I am dreading) but to try and distract myself from how horrible it is going to be (and the disgust that I am feeling) I thought it would be good to play a game called...

GUESS THE WEIGHT!

So, if you fancy having a guess at just how much weight I have put on since the last time I was weighed (which was on 2 December), please feel free to leave a comment.

*UPDATED* This is not a look back at 2009 although I do mention Christmas and New Year but that's as far as it goes

*UPDATED to include the all important no.7, how could I forget about that?!*

So that was Christmas. Now it's back to reality.

It's weird because I never realised just how much I was looking forward to Christmas. When I received the letter from the clinic I was so eager for it to be 2010. I thought Christmas was just a distraction but, it was more than that, it became an escape from it all.

I discovered this after everybody had left last Monday. We were so looking forward to having some time together, just the two of us, but the time between Christmas and New Year wasn't at all what I we thought it would be. We were both suffering from post-Christmas blues as we began to think about our situation, what we would be experiencing in 2010, fearful to hope but needing it to help us out of the depression that was slowly beginning to engulf us.

One thing that depressed me throughout December was the amount of weight that I was putting on. I am disgusted with myself, nearly all of my clothes no longer fit me! So, as of today, I am back on the wagon. I'm back at WW on Wednesday to find out the true damage of Christmas 2009. Wednesday is going to be a bad day. I am going to be in a foul mood no matter what. Still, at least I have the incentive of the appointment to get me back on track, I have not come this far just to pile the weight back on even before I have started treatment.


OK, enough of the moaning, below is a list of things that I need to do or organise this month in preparation for next:

1. Lose as much weight as possible! I'm on with this as of today.

2. Get my hair coloured. Just in case...

3. Look into acupuncture. Hopefully this will help.

4. Stop drinking. I'm on with this as of today, or as of 9pm last night when I finished my last glass of wine. This is going to be one of the hardest things to give up.

5. Start exercising. We've been going on lots of walks but I need to start doing some other form of activity not only to make me feel better but to accelerate the weight loss.

6. Folic Acid. I have been taking this (on and off) for over three years now but will make sure that I take it every day without fail from now on!

7. Ensure that downstairs is presentable (don't want to give the doctor unnecessary work!) Need to get the scissors out and book the waxing session.


So that is my list of things (so far) that I need to do in preparation for IVF. If any body has any tips or advice please feel free to leave them in the comments.

The husband is off to the clinic on Wednesday to provide a sample. To say he is not looking forward to it is an understatement but, then again, I'm not sure that I would look forward to a session with my right hand in a room in a hospital!


Oh, and before I forget, HAPPY NEW YEAR!

From very merry to mardy arse

I have been in a complete mardy since Sunday.

I should be happy, things are finally moving forward but I just can't seem to shift the dark cloud that has descended. This dark cloud is an accumulation of things that are bothering me at the moment. I know that I am stressing unnecessarily, that I should take each day as it comes and, I am sure that in a couple of days things will look different again but, at this particular moment in time I am stressing over the following (in no particular order):

1. My weight - I am putting on weight which means that I am losing control. I hate not being in control, I hate it when I start to put on weight because I enter that vicious circle of getting depressed, eating because I am depressed and putting on weight because I am eating thus getting more depressed. I need to take control but I have so many meals / evening out lined up that it just isn't going to happen this side of Christmas. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and Christmas really is the worst time of the year for someone like me.

2. Our first appointment - the 1 Feb which really isn't that far away however, I appear to have lost any ability to wait so it feels like an eternity. I know that it means that I can relax at Christmas, yes I can even have a drink and I will still (thankfully) have a whole month to detox. But, I had got it in my head that there was every possibility that we could have a child in 2010, now it is not going to be 2010 and 2011 is definitely an eternity!

3. Our IVF is on the NHS - which is great but, the fact that we are limited to one single embryo transfer, has convinced me that it is not going to work. The number of people I have heard of who had a positive pregnancy and live birth on their first attempt at IVF all had two embryos transferred. I really am trying to be positive but really, the likelihood of one embryo taking on a first attempt of IVF, quite slim.

4. Scared - I'm scared of what starting this IVF cycle means. If this doesn't work then we are one step closer to closing this chapter of our life. Although I am thinking about the what if in a positive sense I am also thinking about the what if in a negative sense. I'm also scared of the whole IVF process but I think that the frustration of waiting and the feeling that February is a life time away is currently shading this fear.

I am also pissed off that this year saw the addition of 6, yes 6 new names (babies) to my Christmas card list. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards and, like every other year, it was depressing that the people I am writing to have increased in size and I'm still signing off with just the two of us. Tits, arse, bum, poo, bollocks, wank...

Weighing heavy

My weight is weighing heavy on my mind at the moment. Over the past year I have struggled to gain control over my eating and drinking habit. I have managed to lose over two stone and, as a result I felt fantastic. Note the past tense. I no longer feel fantastic because, over the last few months, my weight has slowly but surely been going up. I’m aware of it. I’m fed up with it. But can I do anything about it? Apparently not.

Tonight it is the moment of truth, after two weeks of non WW attendance (owing to W.imbledon and a date with T.ake That) I am returning to the scales. I’m hoping that the shock of just how much I have put on will knock some sense into me and get me back on track. I know that it is going to be bad because the clothes that I used to feel comfortable in are no longer comfortable. I have no energy, I’m constantly thinking about food and I am fed up that I am letting this control me. I have lost control of the one thing that I can control.

As I hate the NHS and our PCT at the moment I am going to blame this lack of control on them. Talking of my PCT, I finally got round to making that call to them. The call was to set a date by which they have to reply, in writing, to my complaint. I found it a bit bizarre but we agreed a date. So I should have a letter from my PCT by the 14 July telling me what their policy on IVF funding is. How weird is that. I write them a letter and because I don’t give them my phone number they write me a letter asking me to phone them. I phone them and they tell me that they will respond within a certain timeline. Talk about making a mountain out of a mole hill.

Bits and bobs

Two things that I am trying to focus:

Weight - over Christmas I put on 5lbs. So far I have lost 4 of that 5lbs but I am finding it so difficult. Once I have lost that 5lbs I only have have another 8lbs to go to get to goal. The last 8lbs are going to be tough.

House - as mentioned here, we have made the difficult decision to rent our house out and move into tied accommodation. It has taken us a while to get our heads around it but we both think that we have made the right decision. It has given us something else to focus on and look forward to. We have been spending some time at the new house, painting and tidying and I have ordered a fantastic range cooker for the new kitchen. We will not move in to the new house until we have found tenants for our house so fingers crossed we get some interest.

Three things that I am trying not to focus on:

1. As far as I am aware, I didn't ovulate last month.
2. I am currently on CD11 and I am still spotting! Never had that before.
3. One month down.......only four more months until our next hospital appointment which I am dreading but, I am also keen/impatient for it to be here as I am desperate to find out where we go from here - IUI? IVF? Who knows.

Half a pound

The WW visit wasn't as bad as anticipated - half a pound on is acceptable considering everything that I ate and drank last week. I now need to try not to eat too much over the next two weeks but, as Womb for Improvement says, I think I can afford to put on a couple of pounds over the festive period.

Hard to swallow

When I returned to work after my laparoscopy I found out that there had been another pregnancy announcement. What lousy timing.

I am finding this latest announcement too hard to swallow.

I just can't seem to get it out of my head. The woman is such a lovely person and I am really pleased for her but I just can't bring myself to congratulate her. I think it is because it was a shock, totally unexpected. I didn't think that she wanted children and there were definitely no tell-tale signs.

It is now making the six months too hard to swallow.

I am finding it almost impossible to control my weight at the moment. December is such a difficult month, with all the tasty food in the supermarkets and the many different Christmas celebrations. I am trying so hard not to over eat and drink but I feel like I am slowly slipping back into my old habits. I have been to a Christmas party, a Christmas lunch, a friend's house for drinks and nibbles and tonight I am off to WW. It is not going to be good news. I won't mind putting on one pound but any more than that and I am going to be pissed off. I didn't go to WW last week as I had had the laparoscopy on the Tuesday.

I know that I am going to find tonight's visit to WW too hard to swallow.

Christmas

Christmas is all about family, food and drink. Usually I love Christmas but, over the last two years I have struggled. Christmas makes my desire for a family even more intense, it reminds me of what we can't have and I am beginning to hate that it is just the two of us.

It will be our third Christmas since we started to try for a baby. Last Christmas I was depressed, I had piled on nearly two stone and Christmas was just a heavy reminder that another year had passed and still no baby. As December approached this year I found myself slipping into the same mood as last, it was starting to get to me and, to be honest with you, I was starting to dread Christmas again.

That is, until, our holiday, our break from everything. Suddenly I am loving Christmas. I have an advent calendar and an advent candle and decorations have slowly been making their way into our lounge.

Last night my Christmas mood was threatened slightly as I started to write our Christmas cards. I suddenly thought about the fact that many of our friends have additional names on their Christmas cards whilst I am still signing off from just the two of us. Why is it the small things when you are most unaware? I made a conscious decision that I was not going to let such a small insignificant thing totally strip me of my joyous Christmas mood.

I am happy and I am looking forward to Christmas.