I am absolutely knackered at the moment. No matter how much sleep I get I just can't seem to shift this tiredness. D thinks that I need to start exercising and I know that he is right but I just can't summons up the energy.
It's weigh in tomorrow and I am feeling slightly nervous. I'm not feeling nervous because I have cheated (because I haven't) but I am worried that if I don't lose a good amount I am going to be so PISSED off.
We had a second viewing on our house on Saturday but I am under no illusion that she will put an offer in. D and I are so fed up with the whole house sale thing. It has been 14 months now and we are still living in the same house. Come on, how much patience do I need to have?! How long can D and I put our life on hold?! We've already had it on hold for the two years we have been ttc. This waiting makes life tough. I just want SOMETHING to happen, I don't mind if it is one or the other but PLEASE let one good thing happen to us.....PPPLLLLEEEEEAAAASSSEEE!!
Tuesday, 29 April 2008
Thursday, 24 April 2008
DD1, CD7
I've done it, I have finally gone back to W.eight W.atchers (WW). It has taken me more than two years to get my big fat arse in to gear and now I am paying the price of that delay because I am the HEAVIEST I have EVER been. How could I let myself get like this? When did it happen? I must have closed my eyes for a bloody long time because it is going to take me FOREVER to lose it. SO here marks Diet Day 1.
But I have to stay focused. I NEED to lose this weight because my BMI has to be under 30 if I want to try and get funding, on the NHS, for treatment. I am feeling quite positive, although I am also feeling quite panicky because I have told my doctor I weigh a certain amount (which gives me a BMI of just under 30) and I actually weigh 7.5lbs more than that - how disgusting is that?! So, my first goal is to get to the weight the doctor THINKS I am, then everything I lose after that is a big bonus.
IF wise, I am currently on CD7. I have been feeling pretty low. It does seem to be part of the cycle, once the period comes and goes I convince myself that this isn't going to happen for us and it makes me panic. I thought I was going to have a panic attack at work earlier in the week, in fact, I felt like I was going to completely break down and lose it. Still, I have something else to focus on now so things should improve.
But I have to stay focused. I NEED to lose this weight because my BMI has to be under 30 if I want to try and get funding, on the NHS, for treatment. I am feeling quite positive, although I am also feeling quite panicky because I have told my doctor I weigh a certain amount (which gives me a BMI of just under 30) and I actually weigh 7.5lbs more than that - how disgusting is that?! So, my first goal is to get to the weight the doctor THINKS I am, then everything I lose after that is a big bonus.
IF wise, I am currently on CD7. I have been feeling pretty low. It does seem to be part of the cycle, once the period comes and goes I convince myself that this isn't going to happen for us and it makes me panic. I thought I was going to have a panic attack at work earlier in the week, in fact, I felt like I was going to completely break down and lose it. Still, I have something else to focus on now so things should improve.
Saturday, 19 April 2008
Blood
Blood is a horrible thing.
For the last few months I have been experiencing the worst menstrual bleeding ever. My periods now feature large amounts of clots which I watch in amazement as they land on the shower tray, swirl round with the water and then eventually disappear down the drain. Today is a particularly bad day, I had the joy of the shower scene and I have just had a not so good toilet experience where the large clot was sat on the side of the toilet looking at me (sorry, TMI I know but a girl has got to share it with somebody).
For the last few months I have been experiencing the worst menstrual bleeding ever. My periods now feature large amounts of clots which I watch in amazement as they land on the shower tray, swirl round with the water and then eventually disappear down the drain. Today is a particularly bad day, I had the joy of the shower scene and I have just had a not so good toilet experience where the large clot was sat on the side of the toilet looking at me (sorry, TMI I know but a girl has got to share it with somebody).
Thursday, 17 April 2008
Hope, hopeful, no hope
Well hope kept me hopeful for longer than usual. My usually short cycle was a long cycle this month with a small amount of bleeding on day 28, 29, and 30. I am still waiting for the flood gates to open and to be honest I am getting pissed off with waiting. Thing is, I asked for it really because I didn't want to be suffering with a heavy period and emotions when I met my friends at the weekend. So I kept saying to myself, please just hold off until after the weekend, and what does it do? It bloody holds off until nearly a week later. Problem is, I've convinced myself that I feel like I did when I last had a positive pregnancy test and that the bleeding that I have had has been minimal (honestly though, has it really?) and that the minimal bleeding is implantation bleeding. Who AM I KIDDING?!
I know that it is not implantation bleeding, there is too much of it. I know that I am not pregnant, because it isn't going to happen. I know that the flood gates are going to open, because why wouldn't they?!
Now, on to my weekend. I had a really good time, I didn't get jealous of my friends, in fact I felt slightly removed from them. They were chatting away about their little ones and I was just taking it all in. I was interested in what they had to say but I also took on board what they were like and making a mental note to do things this way or that way when my turn came. Perhaps I am in quite a good position, I can see how having a family has affected others and learn from that.
One thing I did find quite insensitive, but typical, is the way they constantly went on about when to start trying for their second baby. Come on guys, I know that it is a BIG thing in your lives but spare a little thought for the childless person sat in the same room as you.
I know that it is not implantation bleeding, there is too much of it. I know that I am not pregnant, because it isn't going to happen. I know that the flood gates are going to open, because why wouldn't they?!
Now, on to my weekend. I had a really good time, I didn't get jealous of my friends, in fact I felt slightly removed from them. They were chatting away about their little ones and I was just taking it all in. I was interested in what they had to say but I also took on board what they were like and making a mental note to do things this way or that way when my turn came. Perhaps I am in quite a good position, I can see how having a family has affected others and learn from that.
One thing I did find quite insensitive, but typical, is the way they constantly went on about when to start trying for their second baby. Come on guys, I know that it is a BIG thing in your lives but spare a little thought for the childless person sat in the same room as you.
Thursday, 10 April 2008
*Hope*
Yes, it's that all important tww, the one where hope starts to invade your life. I am currently on CD23 which means that I am likely to start spotting any day now. In the good old days, when periods/cycles didn't mean jack shit, my periods would be as good as gold. NOW....NOW I have horrendous pre-menstrual symptoms, symptoms that are shockingly close to early pregnancy symptoms (and yes, they still get me every month, even though I KNOW there is no chance of them actually being eary pregnancy symptoms).
I hate who I am at the moment. Hate it, but then I suppose that is because I am due on so PMT is currently having its monthly duel with hope.
I have a good weekend lined up so I could really do without it being CD23. I'm seeing three people that I haven't seen in a long time and I am really looking forward to it. BUT, and that is a big BUT, I am worried that I am going to sink in to my usual depression at this time, especially as they all have the one thing that I crave so much for. What if that grotesque thing called jealousy comes along and attacks either the PMT or hope. I can't cope with all three, it's bad enough with two.
I hate who I am at the moment. Hate it, but then I suppose that is because I am due on so PMT is currently having its monthly duel with hope.
I have a good weekend lined up so I could really do without it being CD23. I'm seeing three people that I haven't seen in a long time and I am really looking forward to it. BUT, and that is a big BUT, I am worried that I am going to sink in to my usual depression at this time, especially as they all have the one thing that I crave so much for. What if that grotesque thing called jealousy comes along and attacks either the PMT or hope. I can't cope with all three, it's bad enough with two.
Monday, 7 April 2008
Limbo
I am getting excited for the two bloggers who are due to give birth to their babies any day now. I think it is fantastic that they are this close to fulfilling their dream after experiencing loss. They give you hope that it can happen.
I also feel great sadness for those that have been through so many assisted cycles and are still unable to hold their baby in their arms. Life is so unfair, who gets to decide that these people cannot have a baby? Why should some people struggle when others shell them like peas?
I currently feel like I am in limbo, I don't fit into either of the above as, although I have been trying for two years, I have not had any treatment to try and get pregnant. The doctor is in the process of referring me on to the more invasive tests at the hospital and then the possibility of treatment BUT I still hope deep down that it won't come to that, that we will achieve a pregnancy the good old fashion way.
We have been using the Clear.blue fertility monitor for 6 consecutive cycles now and there has been no pregnancy. This fills me with fear as we are giving it the best possible chance and it is still not happening. I am eager to move on to the next step now, although I am also scared, what if they find something terrible wrong with me? What if we have some assistance with this conceiving crap and it doesn't work? I admire all the women who have been through IVF again and again. They are so strong, because they are able to pick themselves up and push themselves back into it full throttle. I really hope I don't have to go through that but if I do I only hope that I have as much courage and strength as the women whose blogs I read.
I also feel great sadness for those that have been through so many assisted cycles and are still unable to hold their baby in their arms. Life is so unfair, who gets to decide that these people cannot have a baby? Why should some people struggle when others shell them like peas?
I currently feel like I am in limbo, I don't fit into either of the above as, although I have been trying for two years, I have not had any treatment to try and get pregnant. The doctor is in the process of referring me on to the more invasive tests at the hospital and then the possibility of treatment BUT I still hope deep down that it won't come to that, that we will achieve a pregnancy the good old fashion way.
We have been using the Clear.blue fertility monitor for 6 consecutive cycles now and there has been no pregnancy. This fills me with fear as we are giving it the best possible chance and it is still not happening. I am eager to move on to the next step now, although I am also scared, what if they find something terrible wrong with me? What if we have some assistance with this conceiving crap and it doesn't work? I admire all the women who have been through IVF again and again. They are so strong, because they are able to pick themselves up and push themselves back into it full throttle. I really hope I don't have to go through that but if I do I only hope that I have as much courage and strength as the women whose blogs I read.
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