After our wedding in November 2000 we came to an agreement that we would alternate Christmas Day between the two families. We kicked off with the in-laws which, although bearable, became a little stressful by the end of the week. I was living in a new county, out of work and a little depressed. Christmas Day rolled into Boxing Day and the next day until eventually we declined the offer to return for any more festive meals.
That first Christmas was an eye opener as it was completely different to the ones that I had experienced for the past 26 years. Christmas at the in-laws means no telly (not even for the Queen's speech), presents not being opened until the evening (when we are all sat in the living room trying to think of things to talk about), drinking alcohol under disapproving looks from the tee-total MIL and, each chocolate eaten being noted (and commented on). Needless to say, it was a long day.
Christmas with my family is completely different. From the atmosphere to the routine, everything just feels so much more relaxed. We get up, we open presents (shock, horror, still in our pyjamas), we eat chocolate biscuits for breakfast, we have our first alcoholic drink at twelve, we eat lunch, we all gather round the telly for the Queen's speech, we drink, we eat, we entertain ourselves, some in the kitchen, others in the lounge and some in the garden smoking.
Two families, two very different Christmas day routines.
This year Christmas Day is to be spent with my family who are all arriving on Christmas Eve and not leaving until the Monday which means that we will not see the in-laws over the Christmas weekend. To soften the blow with the in-laws we arranged a pre-Christmas dinner for the weekend before which, for a Strictly Come Dancing fan, was very bad timing.
Round one of Christmas has been completed, we now only have to contend with the chaos of 4 couples, two teenagers, a cat and a jack russell!
Monday, 21 December 2009
Tuesday, 15 December 2009
A whole load of emotion
I would never have predicted the variety of emotions I would be experiencing following approval for treatment on the NHS. Even though the decision is well overdue and I am ecstatic to finally be moving on to the next stage, I have found the whole thing very scary and emotional. I have, however, been reassured by other IF bloggers about to embark on IVF for the first time posting similar fears, concerns and excitement, it makes me realise that everything that I am going through is normal or as normal as it can be.
Surprisingly, this last week I have been experiencing waves of anger similarly to when we first started going through this. I think it is the anticipation of what we have to come, mixed with the thought of yet another Christmas without a family. It's weird because I am aware of it and I know that it is irrational but I can't stop feeling angry that friends were able to have a family without having to go through what we will be going through in February/March/April. I know that this anger will pass, that as the date of our first consultation approaches it will change to excitement, fear, anticipation, optimism, pessimism, hope, and either relief, happiness and joy or sadness and despair.
Our initial consultation is on 1 February which, when I received the letter, felt like a lifetime away. Now, it doesn't feel too bad. Yes, I am keen to get started and I would do it tomorrow if I could but, realistically, February is a good date. It gives us time to detox after Christmas and time really will fly by I am sure.
Surprisingly, this last week I have been experiencing waves of anger similarly to when we first started going through this. I think it is the anticipation of what we have to come, mixed with the thought of yet another Christmas without a family. It's weird because I am aware of it and I know that it is irrational but I can't stop feeling angry that friends were able to have a family without having to go through what we will be going through in February/March/April. I know that this anger will pass, that as the date of our first consultation approaches it will change to excitement, fear, anticipation, optimism, pessimism, hope, and either relief, happiness and joy or sadness and despair.
Our initial consultation is on 1 February which, when I received the letter, felt like a lifetime away. Now, it doesn't feel too bad. Yes, I am keen to get started and I would do it tomorrow if I could but, realistically, February is a good date. It gives us time to detox after Christmas and time really will fly by I am sure.
Wednesday, 9 December 2009
From very merry to mardy arse
I have been in a complete mardy since Sunday.
I should be happy, things are finally moving forward but I just can't seem to shift the dark cloud that has descended. This dark cloud is an accumulation of things that are bothering me at the moment. I know that I am stressing unnecessarily, that I should take each day as it comes and, I am sure that in a couple of days things will look different again but, at this particular moment in time I am stressing over the following (in no particular order):
1. My weight - I am putting on weight which means that I am losing control. I hate not being in control, I hate it when I start to put on weight because I enter that vicious circle of getting depressed, eating because I am depressed and putting on weight because I am eating thus getting more depressed. I need to take control but I have so many meals / evening out lined up that it just isn't going to happen this side of Christmas. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and Christmas really is the worst time of the year for someone like me.
2. Our first appointment - the 1 Feb which really isn't that far away however, I appear to have lost any ability to wait so it feels like an eternity. I know that it means that I can relax at Christmas, yes I can even have a drink and I will still (thankfully) have a whole month to detox. But, I had got it in my head that there was every possibility that we could have a child in 2010, now it is not going to be 2010 and 2011 is definitely an eternity!
3. Our IVF is on the NHS - which is great but, the fact that we are limited to one single embryo transfer, has convinced me that it is not going to work. The number of people I have heard of who had a positive pregnancy and live birth on their first attempt at IVF all had two embryos transferred. I really am trying to be positive but really, the likelihood of one embryo taking on a first attempt of IVF, quite slim.
4. Scared - I'm scared of what starting this IVF cycle means. If this doesn't work then we are one step closer to closing this chapter of our life. Although I am thinking about the what if in a positive sense I am also thinking about the what if in a negative sense. I'm also scared of the whole IVF process but I think that the frustration of waiting and the feeling that February is a life time away is currently shading this fear.
I am also pissed off that this year saw the addition of 6, yes 6 new names (babies) to my Christmas card list. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards and, like every other year, it was depressing that the people I am writing to have increased in size and I'm still signing off with just the two of us. Tits, arse, bum, poo, bollocks, wank...
I should be happy, things are finally moving forward but I just can't seem to shift the dark cloud that has descended. This dark cloud is an accumulation of things that are bothering me at the moment. I know that I am stressing unnecessarily, that I should take each day as it comes and, I am sure that in a couple of days things will look different again but, at this particular moment in time I am stressing over the following (in no particular order):
1. My weight - I am putting on weight which means that I am losing control. I hate not being in control, I hate it when I start to put on weight because I enter that vicious circle of getting depressed, eating because I am depressed and putting on weight because I am eating thus getting more depressed. I need to take control but I have so many meals / evening out lined up that it just isn't going to happen this side of Christmas. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and Christmas really is the worst time of the year for someone like me.
2. Our first appointment - the 1 Feb which really isn't that far away however, I appear to have lost any ability to wait so it feels like an eternity. I know that it means that I can relax at Christmas, yes I can even have a drink and I will still (thankfully) have a whole month to detox. But, I had got it in my head that there was every possibility that we could have a child in 2010, now it is not going to be 2010 and 2011 is definitely an eternity!
3. Our IVF is on the NHS - which is great but, the fact that we are limited to one single embryo transfer, has convinced me that it is not going to work. The number of people I have heard of who had a positive pregnancy and live birth on their first attempt at IVF all had two embryos transferred. I really am trying to be positive but really, the likelihood of one embryo taking on a first attempt of IVF, quite slim.
4. Scared - I'm scared of what starting this IVF cycle means. If this doesn't work then we are one step closer to closing this chapter of our life. Although I am thinking about the what if in a positive sense I am also thinking about the what if in a negative sense. I'm also scared of the whole IVF process but I think that the frustration of waiting and the feeling that February is a life time away is currently shading this fear.
I am also pissed off that this year saw the addition of 6, yes 6 new names (babies) to my Christmas card list. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards and, like every other year, it was depressing that the people I am writing to have increased in size and I'm still signing off with just the two of us. Tits, arse, bum, poo, bollocks, wank...
Tuesday, 1 December 2009
Still excited
So the doctors appointment lasted a total of ten minutes. I told her what she needed to do and which clinic we would like to be referred to. Hark at me telling the doctor what needed to be done! She said that they get so many rejections for funding that she was so pleased when she read our letter of approval. I feel special. It really is great news that we have been given this opportunity on the NHS.
So now all we have to do is wait for an appointment from the clinic. Easy. At least it should be easy but I am going crazy. I just want to start tomorrow. Give me an appointment at midnight and I would take it. It has taken us a whole year to get to this stage. A whole year of waiting, no treatments, no testing (bar the tests for STI), no monitoring. Suddenly I am having dreams about being pregnant, about having a baby. My hopes have been accelerated out of all proportion. I'm back in 2006 when we embarked on this journey, I'm excited and happy and thinking that this could actually happen for us.
So now all we have to do is wait for an appointment from the clinic. Easy. At least it should be easy but I am going crazy. I just want to start tomorrow. Give me an appointment at midnight and I would take it. It has taken us a whole year to get to this stage. A whole year of waiting, no treatments, no testing (bar the tests for STI), no monitoring. Suddenly I am having dreams about being pregnant, about having a baby. My hopes have been accelerated out of all proportion. I'm back in 2006 when we embarked on this journey, I'm excited and happy and thinking that this could actually happen for us.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
Posts
