From very merry to mardy arse

I have been in a complete mardy since Sunday.

I should be happy, things are finally moving forward but I just can't seem to shift the dark cloud that has descended. This dark cloud is an accumulation of things that are bothering me at the moment. I know that I am stressing unnecessarily, that I should take each day as it comes and, I am sure that in a couple of days things will look different again but, at this particular moment in time I am stressing over the following (in no particular order):

1. My weight - I am putting on weight which means that I am losing control. I hate not being in control, I hate it when I start to put on weight because I enter that vicious circle of getting depressed, eating because I am depressed and putting on weight because I am eating thus getting more depressed. I need to take control but I have so many meals / evening out lined up that it just isn't going to happen this side of Christmas. I have such an unhealthy relationship with food and Christmas really is the worst time of the year for someone like me.

2. Our first appointment - the 1 Feb which really isn't that far away however, I appear to have lost any ability to wait so it feels like an eternity. I know that it means that I can relax at Christmas, yes I can even have a drink and I will still (thankfully) have a whole month to detox. But, I had got it in my head that there was every possibility that we could have a child in 2010, now it is not going to be 2010 and 2011 is definitely an eternity!

3. Our IVF is on the NHS - which is great but, the fact that we are limited to one single embryo transfer, has convinced me that it is not going to work. The number of people I have heard of who had a positive pregnancy and live birth on their first attempt at IVF all had two embryos transferred. I really am trying to be positive but really, the likelihood of one embryo taking on a first attempt of IVF, quite slim.

4. Scared - I'm scared of what starting this IVF cycle means. If this doesn't work then we are one step closer to closing this chapter of our life. Although I am thinking about the what if in a positive sense I am also thinking about the what if in a negative sense. I'm also scared of the whole IVF process but I think that the frustration of waiting and the feeling that February is a life time away is currently shading this fear.

I am also pissed off that this year saw the addition of 6, yes 6 new names (babies) to my Christmas card list. Last night I was writing out Christmas cards and, like every other year, it was depressing that the people I am writing to have increased in size and I'm still signing off with just the two of us. Tits, arse, bum, poo, bollocks, wank...