Lazy blogger

I'm a lazy blogger.

I read lots of blogs, frequently in awe of posts that are written, posts that detail events/experiences with such clarity and elegance. I'm too lazy for that. I'm not one for coming up with interesting, thought provoking posts. I post about how pissed off I am, my weight loss (or gain) and of course IF. I don't talk about my job because I am concerned that somebody from work is going to find it.

I initially set this blog to invited readers because I was paranoid with a capital "P" that people in my office would find it and read it. The main problem with this is that I feel left out of the IF blogging community. I want to be a part of it but I don't want to be "out there" for all to see. I want to be recognised as a fellow IF but I also want anonymity.

I had a blog before this one but I never had a huge audience. Don't get me wrong, I don't want a huge audience, I don't want to be a popular blogger, I just want to feel part of the community that I anonymously dip into on a daily basis. I feel like I know these people. They are IF Neighbours and I am addicted to reading the next instalments. Reading other blogs allows me to escape from my own fears/hopes/despair, there are success stories that give you hope, tragic events that just knock the stuffing out of you and make you wish you could just meet that person to give them a hug, experiences that you are yet to encounter, hopes that you share and people that you have never met but would love to meet for a glass of wine.

So tonight, tonight I changed the permissions on my blog and I have made a decision to stop sitting on the fence and to start getting more involved with this community.

What does this blog tell you about me? It tells you that I am needy and lazy so please be gentle.

Frustration

I'm not sure how D and I are going to get through the next months/years of tests, waiting lists and appointments.

We view IF very differently, in fact, straight away I have hit on the problem. I consider us IF, D doesn't. He is convinced that it will happen because we have conceived in the past. As I said to D last night and I say today:

Me: That was over two years ago now and the pregnancy only lasted for two weeks.

Last night we got talking about the appointment:

Me: I think I am going to be disappointed after the appointment (always the optimist).
Him: Yes, I think you are.
Me: Why do you say that? (immediately on the defensive).
Him: Because you are wanting a quick fix and there isn't going to be one.
Me: I know there isn't going to be a quick fix. I know that he is going to suggest further tests and then I am going to have to wait for months on end to get the appointments.
Him: The tests aren't compulsory, you can chose not to have them.
Me: (voice getting v high pitched) I know they aren't compulsory but I am going to go through everything that is offered to ensure that we give this a chance. Are you telling me that you wouldn't do everything possible?
Him: No, I'm just saying that you don't have to do anything that you don't want to do.

A new kind of two week wait

I'm in the two week wait. Not the usual two week wait, this is the two week wait until my appointment at the hospital. I am so excited (although I am sure that it is going to be a total anti-climax) and I am also nervous (what if they discover lots of nasty things going on in there).

It does feel good to know that I am now on the first step to hopefully something happening. It has been 10 months since I first went to the doctor about this. 10 months. 10 more attempts at going it alone and still nothing. It makes me glad that I went to the doctors when I did.

Some good news at last

Last night I got home to see that there was a letter from the hospital. D and I have an appointment on Tuesday 9 September - just over TWO weeks, Wow! I can't believe it. After waiting so long it is finally here. I am a little nervous, don't know what to expect and was surprised to read that D had to come with me. Could this be the start of our luck changing? I hope so. Could really do with some.

PMT is rife, my period is on its way. Somehow I think I am going to be able to cope with it this month though ;-)

Here marks the start of the wait, proper,

because the waiting that I did from April to August was just pretend wait. It was a test to see whether I am actually cut out for this waiting game. And although I may have had a grumble occassionally I think I did pretty damn good. Now, surely this wait won't be so bad because at least I know that something should happen at the end of it (whenever that may be).

Delayed reaction

So last night was a bit of a nightmare. I was obviously reeling from the news that one of my old friends is 8 months pregnant as I spent the car journey on the way home in tears.

When D came home we started talking about his appointment at the doctors. Hearing the words "we need to relax" come out of his mouth turned me from slightly emotional to completely fucked off and showing said fucked offness by hurling obscene words at D. Of course this went down like a lead balloon and so D joined in with the obscene words and soon we were having quite an argument with lots of tears (on my behalf).

So here's what started it. D went to the doctors to get his second SA results (which showed an improvement on the morphology) but ended up talking to her about how he is feeling. He wanted to know whether he was suffering from depression so he asked for the symptoms, turns out he is stressed but he thinks that I am depressed!! The doctor told him that we should not worry about ttc as there is no obvious reason why we can't conceive and the fact that we did manage it in the past is a good thing. D agrees with the Doc, he is optimistic that it will happen one day, that isn't to say that he isn't stressed about it, but he is pretty confident that this will happen for us.

The problem? I am not at all convinced that this will happen for us. As I said to D last night, if we were going to be able to conceive naturally, wouldn't we have done so by now? We use a fertility monitor to find out when I am ovulating and we have sex around that time and still nothing. Basically, we have given it our best shot and that just isn't enough. Another thing that pissed me off is that the doctor says that we have nothing to worry about, we are now being referred (halleluah) and we match the criteria for funding on the NHS. Apparently lots of people are now having their families later (can you detect the sarcasm in my writing here) and it is quite common for people to have babies in their early 40's! My response (which was spat at my husband, not v attractive) was "I don't want to be having a fucking baby when I am 37, 38, or 39! That is too old for me." Of course, if push comes to shove I would probably be happy to have a baby in my late 30's but at the moment I am pissed off because I wanted to have a baby in my early 30's.

The outcome? We both calmed down and discussed it like the civil adults we are, made a couple of jokes about when we do become parents and then went and had sex (not make-up sex but the "we must have sex because I am ovulating" sex!)

Knew it was coming

This week I am mostly feeling FAT! Put on 2lbs at WW, wasn't really surprised as I had drunk way too much wine and eaten too many meals that were definitely not WW friendly.

D has gone to the doctors today to get the results of his second SA. I could tell that he was really worried last night, he is concerned that the morphology will be worse than it was last time. I really hope that everything is OK. I have been busy this morning so I haven't had a chance to phone him, I'll maybe catch him this afternoon.

Have been on Facebook this morning and discovered that a friend (my oldest friend) is 8 months pregnant. What do I want to do? I could really do with just crying and feeling sorry for myself but there are two things stopping me from doing either, the first is that I am at work so I can't just sit here and cry and the second is that I knew it was coming.

My friend got married in May 2007 and at the time I talked about starting a family (because I had been trying for a year). She was keen to start a family but said that she wasn't going to think about it just in case it didn't happen. Not thinking about it is OK when it eventually does happen but when you have been trying for a year you can't help but think about it. Anyway, she is 8 months pregnant, expecting a boy in September. So I have done the maths and if they started ttc when they got married it means that it only took them roughly 8 months to conceive. Oh to have got pregnant after 8 months of trying, I'd be happy to get pregnant after 24 months of trying, or how about 28.....

Back to reality

After 4 days worth of shopping, eating more than I should have and definitely drinking more than I should have, I am back at work. Same old routine, nothing has changed apart from my bank balance which has dropped dramatically!

One of my main purchases last week was a Pandora bracelet and I love it. My sister and I, whilst shopping with my niece and mum, decided that we both just had to have one. I bought the silver bracelet, a glass bead, a giraffe bead and a bead with a flip flop on and I can't wait to buy another! (This is just the sort of thing that my addictive personality loves!)

Last weeks visit to WW was fantastic, I lost an amazing 3.5lbs. Don't know how I did it but I think having my period the week before played a big part. I am definitely dreading this week (yes, I know that I dread it every week) but this week I have had lots of wine, Pimms, a Chinese and a roast dinner on Sunday with all the trimmings. Trying really hard to be good between now and Wednesday.

Tomorrow, it will be ten days since D submitted his second SA test. I'm going to get him to phone the doctors to see whether the results are in and then I am going to place lots of pressure on the doctors to ensure that my referral actually takes place this time.

Time out

Lets hope that this weeks visit to WW is better than last!

I'm not entirely sure that I will lose any weight this week as I had two bottles of wine at the weekend. The first was consumed on a visit to my in-laws (believe me it was needed) and the second was on Sunday night when D and I decided to get completely pissed. Needless to say, I was struggling with a hangover yesterday, didn't actually make it into work until lunch time!

After today I am off work for the rest of the week as my sister, niece and nephew are visiting. Really looking forward to seeing them, having time off, just chilling.