What if it doesn't work?

I have tried so hard not to think about next Monday. It's difficult but, for the majority, I am able to place it at the back of my mind. It helps being busy at work and focusing on weight loss. I find that the worst time for wondering thoughts is when I am driving home. Last night I found my mind wondering and, before I knew it, I thought what if this doesn't work? I'm not saying that I expect IVF to work the first time but I had convinced myself that it would eventually work.

We have one cyle on the NHS, a possibility of a FET and then we will pay for one final attempt. I had it in my head that one of these would surely have to work, that if nothing else the second round of IVF would be the kiddy, the winner, the icing on the cake.

That was, until last night. Last night our appointment on Monday became more than just an appointment to discuss IVF, it became the last leg of this journey. This is it. We are homeward bound, whether we arrive as a family or just the two of us will be decided this year.

I no longer feel ready for this. Ready for the treatment, the emotional roller coaster and the very real possibility that it could all be for nothing.

At the weekend, whilst the husband and I were talking about IVF and the appointment I was shocked to hear that he was keen to attend a counselling session (my husband is a very private person and I would never have thought that he would like to discuss his thoughts on IVF with anybody other than me). I've always been adamant that I wouldn't need to attend a counselling session but, as the appointment gets closer, I am beginning to think that I would also benefit from discussing my fears and concerns. IVF is scary and expensive and emotional and invasive and lots of other things but I am not sure that it is as scary as the question what if it doesn't work?